How can i ease my vanilla husband into being a top/dom?

[Cat0626]

We have been married for 20 years. I am a submissive and my husband is vanilla. I have tried many times over the years to guide him into giving me what i crave. I honestly feel like i am starving at times. I have bought clitoral stimulators, dildos, vibrators, anal beads, but plugs, floggers, crops, and restraints. I have read and watched videos, and shared it with him. He laughs it off as something silly, and jokes about trying. But never does. What else can i do? I just need the peace that shuts down my brain. He may never "be" a dom, but maybe a top?????? Respectful and helpful advise appreciated.

[Ki****]

Ultimately the decision rests with him. The more you bring it up with him, the less willing he may be to try it.
Have you tried communicating the mental aspect of it? It might be that describing the mental pleasure you derive from it will be much more interesting to him than the physical side.
Also, if he is vanilla, maybe don't dive into the deep end. Try hands tied to the bed post and a blindfold and go from there. He'll go when he's ready, though there's a chance he might not want to go that far.
Hope it all goes well

[ey****]

I think if you've been trying many times over 20 years.... this isn't going to happen

 

[ge****]

Is it possible he feels like you're forcing it on him somehow with the way you go about it? Am not saying you are doing so, but can see that he might perceive it that way if you "present" him with the various items you buy in the expectation he'll use them.
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The way forward is to sit him down and openly, honestly and rationally explain to him that this is something that is a part of you, and something that you would like to explore with him - but explain why, tell him why it makes you tick, why you crave it, how it is not just a physical thing. Reassure him that you're willing to go at his speed etc. Tell him it's not "something silly" or to be joked about to you.
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Be prepared to listen to him too, understand his concerns and why he feels it may not be for him.
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Ask him what his fantasies, or things he'd like to try are, and see if there's any common ground or perhaps ways you can adapt or compromise those things to meet *both* your needs.
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Ultimately though you have to be prepared to accept that this might not be for him - not everybody can be dominant, just as not everybody can be submissive - I know I don't have a Dom bone in my body and wouldn't be comfortable in that role, perhaps the same applies to your husband.
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Either way communication, as ever, is key.

[YesMam-6609]

Hello Cat... I absolutely relate to everything your feeling.. when I started reading your post I thought wait did I write this? It is incredibly frustrating when you truly love someone who doesn't fulfill your needs. I have done the same constantly hinting, buying stuff, to no avail. The hardest part is I am BiSexual and I love toy play, and oral pleasure, which he absolutely does not. I am also interested in how to proceed.. I am to the piunt where I barely enjoy the sex we do have anymore and struggle with staying faithful.

[Dancingbear225]

I don't know if there's anything you can do at this point except to be incredibly blunt. If all you have done is hinted, and bought toys occasionally, he may very well think you're just playing. If you want this, and you want it from him, you have to be explicit, clear,  and calm when you explain the whys and wherefores that you need this. When the answer comes, yes or no, at least you will know exactly where you stand.

[ol****]

Comms are the key as has been said.

...but be prepared to listen as much as you talk. If you are confronted with silence then you need to find out why.

[Cat0626]

Slow seems to be the process. Very open with communication. This weekend away we experimented with pain. He was afraid to cause any so we made it a requirement of the game we played. Slowly but surely.

[Cat0626]

Sadly i think i might be a little or middle. It feels right. I opened up to him. He is ok with my stuffie and glow in the dark blanket but says it is wrong for me to call him Daddy. It creeps him out......

[Deleted Member]

I did 18 years with a plain, unexperimental partner who was not interested in even a simple thing like hands tied behind back.

In the end I broke up with her for other separate reasons, but sexually and in terms of our levels of open minded, we were not on the same page, not even on the same book.

I'm clear everything needs to be on the table with lots of communication about preferences and needs both ways, before I start my next LTR.

[Deleted Member]

So you want to do bondage? Handcuff yourself and tell him to have sex with you. Tell him exactly what you want as a coach, once he does it for a while he will get the hang of it. 

If you want hard S&M that's another story but light domination is something you can train into him(lol).  

I gotta be honest though, I'm not super into the daddy thing either. I would bite me teeth and play along I guess if a woman I was with wanted it but I could see the issue there simply because the child incest component is incredibly revolting to me.  

Edited July 13, 2022 by Deleted Member

[RaymondWise]

Sounds like you're on a pretty good path. Some communication ( that CAN be overdone.) Some play/scenes. 

I have a partner who didn't want to do, what I was interested in, Daddy/Daughter play. She has children so that's understandable. I never asked again.

I did help her daughter with homework. Have the kids with us on shore vacations. Maybe that helped to trust me and understand the seperation of adult play and that? I don't know. 

 

But one day, a few years later, she takes a story book off the shelf, "Will you read me a story Daddy?"

 

[RosyCheeks]

Is there something specific you'd like to do? Starting small. I'm glad he's mostly supportive, just not so into it. That's good. Perhaps he can warm to things once he learns to understand them.

[Newfeelinggirl]

I hear you!  I feel like they are selfish….only into basic things they know will get them off.  I bought a bondage set and left it on his dresser…still in a drawer.  Asked for spicier sex and more of it, I got to be on top for 2 nights!🤦🏼‍♀️  Sick of trying 

[Deleted Member]

On 2/20/2022 at 1:50 AM, Cat0626 said:

We have been married for 20 years. I am a submissive and my husband is vanilla. I have tried many times over the years to guide him into giving me what i crave. I honestly feel like i am starving at times. I have bought clitoral stimulators, dildos, vibrators, anal beads, but plugs, floggers, crops, and restraints. I have read and watched videos, and shared it with him. He laughs it off as something silly, and jokes about trying. But never does. What else can i do? I just need the peace that shuts down my brain. He may never "be" a dom, but maybe a top?????? Respectful and helpful advise appreciated.

Can be a very tricky situation too deal with, you need totally level with him