Is there such a thing as a " soft Dom

[Cruxdom]

I hear the term " Soft Dom" often yet I have no idea what a soft Dom is or why a Dom would be classified as soft.What are the traits that define a Dom as " soft"?I'm asking because I have been referred to as a " soft Dom" and I'd like to know the reasons.

[Eb****]

It is someone who is dominant only in the bedroom but others is nurturing and soft.

[Deleted Member]

To me a soft Dom is closer to a Daddy Dom - nurturing but guiding. In play, imo, that would mean more sensory and edging/ orgasm control than impact etc.

[Bo****]

I'm with @Lady_Char Soft doms are doms that may appear to be easy going, less concerned with strict protocols, more likely than not to be on the Caregiver/Daddy end of the scale than Sadist/Hard Dom/Master side. They are also known for seemingly letting a sub get away with stuff and then they find out he was keeping a tally all week of infractions and is ready for them to pay up.  

I love soft doms because I require a Dom who can be a bit flexible, whose first reaction is to hear me out as to why I didn't do xyz before deciding whether it was actually me misbehaving or if I had a valid excuse and probably just need cuddles and to be told it's okay to make mistakes instead of immediately going all growly and ready to punish/funish.

[Bo****]

I also had a soft Dom who would typically choose edging or overstimulation or both as funishments over spanking and that is definitely more in line with soft Dom thinking. Not that they don't spank or can't be strict when they need to be, but just that their default is not to go for *** or harsh responses imo.

[Si****]

'Soft Dom' is a rather insulting term directed at Dominants who choose to take a more gentle approach to managing their dynamic rather than taking a stricter, more *** approach. There could be a number of reasons for this and yes it might be that they are soft in nature, it could be that they don't opt for physical punishment for every transgression, it could be they are not into the more extreme types of play but even in those cases I'm not sure that 'soft' is the correct term.

The most common situation in where I see the term "soft" used is when a Dominant, quite rightly, shows caution at getting too hard, too quickly and playing above their 'submissive's' capability because they are only too aware of the number of people claiming to be submissive that are in reality a kinkster wrapped up in the fantasy of D/s as kinky/rough sex rather than being interested in being involved in the lifestyle. These are the type of people that will go running to the authorities or post on public forums with cries of *** when the Dominant is in reality simply being a dominant. (the last one I saw was a Dominant was being abusive for choosing to punish a little with a time-out).

An experienced Dominant knows only too well what could happen if He or She is the recipricant of such an allegation and will take a cautious approach when starting out with a new submissive. They know that if they play too hard too quickly and they could find themselves subject to a character assassination on the internet or, at the other end of the scale, they could find themselves arrested on a charge of ***, coercive control or even ***! - all because someone claimed to be something they're not!

There is a world of difference between being "A Dominant" and being the dominant person in a hot, primal, kinky sex session, and people need to understand the difference so that they know what it is they are looking for. And whatsmore, before calling someone a "soft Dom", people should consider that perhaps the issue is actually that they haven't done enough to allow their chosen Dominant to build up enough trust to feel safe to really unleash.

Because believe me, In 30 years, I've never met anyone who is truly a 'soft' Dominant!

Edited April 18, 2022 by SirArchA

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for all the info. I guess I'm a softdom, don't see anything derogatory in the title myself. I am much more attracted to the sensual side of things and yes everyone loves giving a good spanking or a rough session but my default is def in caressing and edging, etc.
Oh yea, TGIM

[ey****]

It depends on the usage and the context.  Some people use 'soft' as means of putting someone else down, some use it as a way to describe their own style.

Remember, of course - you don't have to beat the Hell out of someone to be able to Dominate them.

[Bo****]

Aww I hate that anyone thinks it's an insult because I see it as a very valid style of domination. I do agree the term could use a rebrand though to be more accurate. Sensual Dom almost covers it but not all of them are specifically into sensation play enough to consider it their identity.

Labels are tricky in a lifestyle where there is so much creativity and self-awareness. Tbh, the labels are just a starting point for understanding what type of personality they have or what they're into. And labels mean different things to different people which is exactly the reason some people find them useless or limiting. But if the descriptions sound familiar to you and you don't find yourself automatically offended by the title, then there is no shame in embracing it.

[Deleted Member]

Quite a lot of pre-supposition that every D/s relationship revolves around S & M ....

[Deleted Member]

I would consider myself a soft dom and I tend to get along well when I have a bratty sub. Makes the dynamic interesting. So my style typically involves letting my sub think they have gotten away with acting up, especially in public, in actuality, that’s just causing them to get into more trouble, and for the punishments to keep building. Makes things more fun in my opinion. It’s that level of communication as well to know what kind of dom you are and what kind of sub they may be, or identify themselves as

[Ki****]

Soft doms are typically a more caring and gentle to their submissives dominant while regular doms are more hardened and tougher.
Soft doms typically radiate golden Retriever boyfriend energy in my opinion

[Ta****]

Yes.

Often it refers to somone into domination but not sadism. They prefer soft/tactile/teasing/sensual type activities, rather than inflicting heavy ***.

[Ob****]

Haha @KingofGoth I want to defend against the golden retriever comment but I think the boyfriend energy comment is spot on. Perhaps d*ddy energy too. To the original posting, I'd add that a 'soft dom' most likely has more 'allowances' for deviation. Agree with @TallDrake Soft doms likely find extreme or prolonged sadism difficult and uncomfortable.

[Te****]

I consider myself dominant slash soft dominant only because I like my sub to test my limits in certain areas while still being a sub

[Si****]

I'm a Sadist, but that doesn't mean I can't be loving and sensual and snuggle up on the sofa under a blanket. Nor does it mean I can't relax the rules or show compassion if that's what's needed at the time. A Dominant is a leader, by definition they are in control. They can be sensual, caring, affectionate, forgiving and all that other good stuff, but they maintain control - It's a power exchange after all.

Whereas someone who is "soft" - fluffy and no substance, easy to mould, cut, compress, or fold; not hard or firm to the touch, having a pleasing quality involving a subtle effect or contrast rather than sharp definition - sounds more like a submissive to me!

Remind me again how the term "soft" is not offensive to most Dominants??

[Deleted Member]

I saw a soft dom play last weekend, he had his sub in a pair of nipple clamps, he was pulling her close with the chain and gently kissing her.
It hurt her slightly, but was very sensual for them both.
Later on she needed her inhaler, he had it ready and had already taken the lid off for her.
Earlier that night he had bruised her entire bottom for a good hour.

He had complete control, but didn’t need to en*** his control through aggression.

[Ki****]

I think a soft Dom.. is a fat one. Just marshmallowie soft…. Ahhhh just wanna snuggle up with that soft Dom! Or maybe the pole isn’t quite as poky as she would like… hence “soft” dom.. just my two cents.

[gr****]

See I have no clue what you mean by a Soft Dom. I have been in the lifestyle for over 20 years now. Chesterfield seems to be confusing sensual BDSM with the word Soft. I so Impact, sensation, rope and many other things. But I have never heard that term. Maybe ask the person who called you that what they mean.

[Chloebear]

A lot of misunderstanding on the term Soft Dom here. @Lady_Char, @Boundnbrattybabygirl and @KingofGoth all hitting the right description - they’re softer on how they en*** control and the dynamic, but are equally as in control and can give as hard punishment. They work well with brats because they have a more rounded approach to discipline in general, they typically don’t enjoy *** either, often they’re Daddies. The counter is a Gentle FemDomme, you might hear the term Gentle Dom as well. Sensual Dom is different because it refers to in the bedroom and the approach to kink.

[dr****]

Soft dom/me us essentially a caregiver/daddy or mommy domme like attitude but not a cg/daddy or mommy. In my opinion