Soft Dom vs. Hard Dom

[do****]

Got called a soft dom today by and I don't know how you receive the feedback. For example I'm monogamous and kink only with people i trust and respect. I'm pretty adventurous but typically like to keep bdsm and that lifestyle for the bedroom or dungeon. Personally I respect my sub and value trust, respect and their pleasure over my own. I actually would never want to harm or hurt my sub in any way that they wouldn't enjoy or go past their boundaries (tho I'm down to push someone out of their comfort zone). How does that make me a soft Dom? What would a "hard Dom" do different? Thoughts?

[ey****]

I feel there's context missing on why someone called you a soft Dom and, specifically, what they meant by it

people's Domination styles can differ - and - yeah, maybe some do the kinda cold front which might be seen as being stern, distant, strict, cold - and some might be more warm and encouraging

but it's just different styles. 

[Deleted Member]

To be called a soft Dom or a hard Dom are just 2 different styles. One is not better than the other. Just as Dominant is not better than submissive, yet sometimes one is perceived as stronger and better than the other. Your style is your style. Dependant on what you desire as a Dom, what your sub desires, and your own dynamic as it exists between you.
For example I would identify as a soft Domme in that I would not use a cane on a sub or leave any marks that did not fade within a few hours. However I alter the style of my domming based on my sub that I am with what works for us.
Remember terms are subjective too. One persons soft Dom might be another persons hard one.
Sounds like you have a great mindset for your subs and their needs. Keep being you. We are all different but all awesome.

[Deleted Member]

Opinions are subjective. There’s a difference between being a soft or hard dom, and also crossing the line and simply being evil/wicked. Some people don’t understand what they are truly saying, or asking for. Sometimes an idea seems to be appealing in a moment but when it comes down to it, they find out it is not what they thought it would be.
Patience and understanding.
Some things go deeper than sex.
Don’t worry about it.

[Do****]

I think the best thing to do is talk to your sub.

[Deleted Member]

There is no right or wrong, no protocols for what one should be. There is only the truth of who we are and what we desire, and it's a shame more arent more honest about who the really are, rather than playing up to be what they perceive they should be. Soft or hard, gentle of harsh matters not, as none is more or less valid than the other. Some submissives however seek a harsher experience, and with that comes a harder form of Domination, and that sounds from what you say, they actually meant.

[Deleted Member]

For me, the hard/soft dom debate is largely just down to your character. Not just your play persona but day-to-day vanilla you too. Like in any relationship, who you are around other people will change massively with how you interact and play with different people and how they respond to you too. It'll always be largely down to that particular dynamic just at that moment in time with them.
For me, the biggest factor on the hard/soft sliding scale of nonsence just depends on how I want to enact my dominant side in that particular moment. I personally find I bounce between the two depending on the scene, the setting, the mood and feeling I get from and for the other person when I play but also what's going on in my day to day life. For me I'd say 'hard dom me' is more time consuming and requires more focus and energy but is a more rewarding part of my play style but a softer dom usually wins centre stage. Soft daddy dom me just works better day to day with a family life to maintain and all the other bolox we have to do to maintain our lives. The good news is you're not stuck with 'you' as a finished product and just with a little awareness of how you're playing you can try out what works for you and tweak it to just the way you like it. Don't get bogged down with labels. There will always be people who will play harder so how soft or hard a Dom you are will mostly come down to the opinion of the person filling in in your annual dom assessment. Do what feels right and works for you. Someone who's faking a style they're just not into is quickly found out and seldom really enjoy the role they're playing for themselves anyway.

[BigPolly]

I’m wondering if whoever you were talking to, were trying to push you a little to expand on your Dominance.
Some people play harder than others with vaster limits & always wanting to reach those limits rather than just simpler scenes.
Some people want marks to wear as badges once play is over & some will step into what others class as hard limits.
As @KinkySirXxX has said, to be a hard Dom/me is more time consuming, it really is hard work sometimes.
Personally, I also think a lot of Dom/mes like the idea that they play hard but then when it comes to it that isn’t what they deliver (or you get ghosted as they’ve been talking themselves up….recent bitter experience 🙄)
There is nothing wrong with being a Soft Dom, it’s not derogatory its just a different term, a different category, different forms of play both physically & verbally, different ways of treating subs & a different approach to things. We’re all wonderfully different & it’s about finding who fits with who.
I find it’s all down to confidence, be confident with who you are, stick to your own unique style & learn along the way, we are all always learning. Don’t go in all billy-big-bollocks then end up not being able to deliver (or running away) 😊

Edited September 21, 2021 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

You are what you are, there is no soft Dom or hard Dom in my opinion. Only what works for you and your partner! I’m the same as you and like to keep things bedroom side only.

[Ae****]

I don't know, but as a guess - hard would be a style that's overall more cold, more sadistic and unfeeling, less mercy. Soft would include more free expression of care, consideration, appreciation, gratitude, concern. Some subs want to experience the former, other subs would be turned off by that and want the latter. Birth styles take/need their own type of skill/traits. But again, I don't know for sure, really, just guessing.

[Hy****]

7 hours ago, eye_for_an_eye said:

You are what you are, there is no soft Dom or hard Dom in my opinion. Only what works for you and your partner! I’m the same as you and like to keep things bedroom side only.

I relate to this, my style of dynamic changes depending on the connection I have with a sub and also their needs.

[Be****]

I’m really glad to see this thread I’m Dom. I don’t switch I’m only Dom in the bedroom and it varies there depending on my mood. I was talking to a female sub online some years ago and she said “oh you’re a pleasure Dom”. I liked it and have used it to describe myself. I’ve never used it in a profile because I wouldn’t wast some other Dom to think I’m soft. I’m just not naturally sadistic. I can act it to a point if a sub needs a little ***. There have been a couple of subs I’ve known where I wasn’t comfortable being that rough. I couldnt get into the headspace required to treat a naked female that way. I wouldn’t want my *** to date a man that could. My major attraction to this site and lifestyle is bondage. When I’m tying up mmy sub I’m not anticipating causing *** to bring them to submissive. I’m thinking about making them cum as much as the can stand then using their bound body in a way that gets me off. We’ve all talked to subs that have dons. Anytime I’m told I need to get permission from her Dom to take something further. I just say no thanks and leave them to themselves. My own dominant nature won’t let me ask another mans permission for that.

When the women first called me a pleasure Dom. I thought I should print some cards

BeemerC
Pleasure Dom NMT

555-555-5555

NMT = no marks tomorrow. LOL

This thread has been empowering. I might start using this in descriptions. Just as long as the abusive asshole Doms dont see it as a sign of weakness. I’m kind of joking about the abusive asshole part. Sites like this are for like minded people to find one another. Everyone isn’t like me. That’s a good thing.

[Ae****]

Your sub was hopefully simply describing you, cuz she likes you exactly the way she described - soft dom 😊 As for a hard dom - if I felt like I wanted to correct a girl, depending on our relationship/dynamic/ her limits/likes/dislikes, etc. - I'd ask her to repeat the bratty thing she said - then she gets a slap. I ask her to repeat again, and then see what she chooses to do. If she repeats again, she gets another, maybe harder. We soon achieve a mutual understanding 😂

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, fort-worth301 said:

I’m really glad to see this thread I’m Dom. I don’t switch I’m only Dom in the bedroom and it varies there depending on my mood. I was talking to a female sub online some years ago and she said “oh you’re a pleasure Dom”. I liked it and have used it to describe myself. I’ve never used it in a profile because I wouldn’t wast some other Dom to think I’m soft. I’m just not naturally sadistic. I can act it to a point if a sub needs a little ***. There have been a couple of subs I’ve known where I wasn’t comfortable being that rough. I couldnt get into the headspace required to treat a naked female that way. I wouldn’t want my *** to date a man that could. My major attraction to this site and lifestyle is bondage. When I’m tying up mmy sub I’m not anticipating causing *** to bring them to submissive. I’m thinking about making them cum as much as the can stand then using their bound body in a way that gets me off. We’ve all talked to subs that have dons. Anytime I’m told I need to get permission from her Dom to take something further. I just say no thanks and leave them to themselves. My own dominant nature won’t let me ask another mans permission for that.

When the women first called me a pleasure Dom. I thought I should print some cards

BeemerC
Pleasure Dom NMT

555-555-5555

NMT = no marks tomorrow. LOL

This thread has been empowering. I might start using this in descriptions. Just as long as the abusive asshole Doms dont see it as a sign of weakness. I’m kind of joking about the abusive asshole part. Sites like this are for like minded people to find one another. Everyone isn’t like me. That’s a good thing.

Why do you care what other people might think?

[Deleted Member]

As long as you’re treating your sub with respect and making your sub happy that’s all it matters not that if you’re hard or soft dom

[Ma****]

Your sub probably meant to call you a passionate Dom, daddy-Doms tend to be a little passionate than doms and masters. She probably want you to put in a little muscle into it, which is understandable difficult. Just think of it more of a fantasy being played out rather than you being disrespectful to your sub, but make sure you gauge your subs threshold, which can be tricky. So, take it with a grain of salt and remember most subs don’t get mentored into the lifestyle anymore so just guide your sub in understanding you’re simply gauging her threshold like any good Dom would, and don’t slap your sub just for sharing he opinion regardless how annoying like aenova mentioned, it’s your job to be the voice of reason. Hope this is helpful, I don’t really know the situation so I’m speaking out of assumptions.

[Sa****]

I’m sorry. I don’t think any of that makes you a hard or soft dom, I think that makes you a real dom compared to the many fakes out there that just think being a hard, misogynistic man is what being dom is all about. Unfortunately, many subs out there haven’t been exposed to what a real dom is; therefore, don’t know the difference between soft, hard, or fake dom.

[Be****]

Why do you care what other people might think? I’ve seen this stated in a. Lot of places for many reasons. Generally speaking I don’t care that much. This is unique circumstance if you’re trying to navigate in a community like this and you don’t fit the Gotean mold like most of the other doms. It’s human nature to look for acceptance somewhere. Doms seem to me to suffer under the burden of ego. I’ve worked on my ego quite a bit it’s still there. When I have met subs that were available for play but I would have to ask permission from their Dom that won’t ever happen. It’s fine that they have that arrangement. I don’t say a thing I just let it go. Some kinky guys will challenge other dominant males over things of no importance I guess it gives them a boost in their minds. I don’t feel submissive ever.

[Deleted Member]

There's nothing wrong with a soft Dom! Many people even prefer it

[ti****]

A ‘soft’dom will gently influence a sub’s thoughts and desires, while being mindful and considerate. They will actively listen to their sub and learn from them in order to create a dynamic that is fulfilling, satisfying, and mutually beneficial.

In contrast, a ‘hard’dom will mistake being dominant for domineering. They may come across as rude and hungry for control and power regardless of their sub’s needs. They will demand respect while acting disrespectfully, such as using threats, belittling their sub, or going beyond the sub’s limits.

[Ri****]

I’m a big soft domme for sure. Doesn’t mean we don’t play hard.

[Ch****]

Sub viewpoint: The qualities you say you have should be the same for ANY DOM/DOMME! Care, value, respect, and no desire to harm or truly hurt your subs. This is how it should ALWAYS be. A hard Dom/Domme might push the envelope a bit more, a push the sub’s limits, without going over the line. It’s a fine line and open communication is a must, as well as knowing your sub well by judging their reactions to things. As with all BDSM, always build up and don’t start hard from the start. Finally, there are different types of subs: those who want to be dominated by someone they can love and trust, and those that want to hook up with abusive assholes. Some women just don’t like “nice guys”! They say they do, but they always go for the jerk assholes!

[Ch****]

I would add that a “Hard Dom/Domme” would probably use more punishment, rough treatment, maybe ***, insults, even ***. This is fine if both parties are comfortable and desire that, but much honest discussion about boundaries should be discussed beforehand. I only tried to switch with one girl, but it didn’t feel natural to me. I think I could have got into it, but she was terrible at communicating and gave little feedback.

[vi****]

Most feel more comfortable is a dynamic like the one described. Daddy curls my hair so I dont run late in the mornings yet our bedroom habits? Not often spoken about outside « us » ✨

[Deleted Member]

Actually it makes you a good Dom. And many Daddies are soft Doms, nurturing, caring, cudllers, less into *** and forcing things and more into sensations and getting submission from love and respect. And I thinks its the best kind...