Femdom without findom

[Deleted Member]

I find it’s impossible to find a mistress or dominant woman that isn’t only interested in findom or some sort of financial type of play first before anything else. Is there any that aren’t like this or is it just the unfortunate norm now

[as****]

It's more common now but it's not exclusive luckily

[pr****]

Hey. I do think like you. 90 percent of them are looking for just *** but I have found a few of them that they have not requested *** from *** and they said that they are working for that they are doing it because of their passion

[Deleted Member]

Preditory type all over the internet. Half the time it's stolen profile pictures and some dude in a third world country copy pasting templates

[HighDesertKinkster]

It's because they are fake predators. *** hungry fakes.

[Mr****]

It is a very common standard with people you don't know personally. It is depressing that they put up a pay wall like that. You can find some women who don't demand *** or try to con you out of it, but not enough to be putting trust in any match you make immediately.
Your best bet may be to find a casual female friend, build a relation, and develop her into the Mistress you really wish for.
It can seem like a hassle or a long time, but a relation built on love and trust is infinitely better than a rental service.

[Ca****]

Yea this is probably the norm now lol everybody want to get paid for their service in cash not fun 😅

[ge****]

There are plenty that aren't either ProDommes (dominants who provide domination as a service in exchange for payment) or FinDommes (dominants who take control of your finances) - but what you have to remember is the number of dominant women looking for submissive males are outnumbered by the number of submissive males and so have the benefit of choice.
.
So it's important for you to stand out and male yourself appealing to them in your profile and pictures and interactions - make an effort to get along to local kink events and munches (socials for kinksters) etc get involved in the community and get yourself known and get to know others.
.
There are also lots of "dominant women" who are out to prey on the *** and the desperate and scam you for *** - but these are distinctly different from either ProDommes or FinDommes and should be avoided at all costs as they'll take your *** and you'll never see anything in return.

[ey****]

yes; it is totally possible

however.

the common stalemates

1) while guys get frustrated it seems a lot of women are only interested in ***; the women are frustrated at guys that treat them as a kink dispenser or play any form of numbers game

2) if you mass message women; the 'genuine' ones will rarely reply.  The scammers will reply.  As will anyone who works professionally who thinks you are interested in a professional service.

3) posts like this do not flush out 'genuine' women as they know if they write "yeah, I'm a Dominant and I don't ask for payment" that their inbox will be filled up by guys - when these women do not reply to all these randos, they will then be accused of being fake.

4) if you think all of the Dominant women just want *** this shows your complete lack of understanding of kink and bdsm, so you probably aren't really ready for a partner.  

[pr****]

Gurl only ask for *** when your not there type u can either pay or go away #dontshootthemessanger

[Deleted Member]

I just instablock as soon as I see anything fin* or pay* or sugar* in a profile

[Kr****]

Hey, man. They’re out here. It’s not my pleasure but I know of plenty men that find no B.S. Dommes. Search your area for local munches to attend. Ask respectful questions and don’t be impatient. Like another person posted here already, women deal with tons of D-bags just as much as we men deal with tons of certifiably crazy women. Be genuine and patient and I think you’ll find the people in your local scene are likely very laid-back, thoughtful people that have to weed through the weirdos and creeps in this lifestyle just the same as you do.
Or, if none of that makes sense, you’re the creep 😜
Good luck

[Ak****]

1 hour ago, Krevissco said:

Hey, man. They’re out here. It’s not my pleasure but I know of plenty men that find no B.S. Dommes. Search your area for local munches to attend. Ask respectful questions and don’t be impatient. Like another person posted here already, women deal with tons of D-bags just as much as we men deal with tons of certifiably crazy women. Be genuine and patient and I think you’ll find the people in your local scene are likely very laid-back, thoughtful people that have to weed through the weirdos and creeps in this lifestyle just the same as you do.
Or, if none of that makes sense, you’re the creep 😜
Good luck

Hey, don't diss the crazy ones. 😜 😈💕

Not all of the gals look for *** but getting spoiled is nice. That being said I'd take a great personality over fat wallet any day and work for a living...

So awesome women are out there on this site. Keep weeding out the bad ones but like I said up top- don't diss the crazy ones- we're awesome in bed. (Just make sure your crazy matches ours). 🤣🤣🤣

[Sh****]

The annoying thing to me (but yes I deal with it and move on) is it's sad how muddy the waters are, and they don't need to be this way.
Findomme is a specific kink that I'm sure some subs are into, it just so happens to be so easy for the fakers to use the wrong idea and basically take consent out of the equation.

I also totally get that the middle ground is covered by pro dommes just trying to weed out the kink-dispenser-seeking subs and the flaky ones. Just makes me sad and I wish there was another way.
Like this would actually be the best use of super obnoxious popup windows for new users to a site, something explaining the kink-dispenser issue for the newbies, etc

[ey****]

3 hours ago, ShortSub said:

Like this would actually be the best use of super obnoxious popup windows for new users to a site, something explaining the kink-dispenser issue for the newbies, etc

there are threads and threads on this about how women do and don't like to comment.  If someone cannot take 5 minutes before diving in two-footed, they're not going to read a pop up either. 

[Deleted Member]

It is near impossible to find a passioanate mistress. They take dumb slaves with *** instead of picking proper ones. It is a bad time to be a passionate broke slave i guess lol.

[ey****]

being broke is a bad time to date in general.

while there are cheaper options - just meeting someone for coffee, travel and a couple of coffees can easily be £20-30

I would generally suggest people work on their financial situation first.

The people who want paid will always want paid - but there are plenty of people who don't.  They're on this site. They're at munches. They're on other dating sites. They're attending fetish events.  But if you can't show how you would be of use to them without making it all about your own fetishes and interests; this is going to be hard to woo. 

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, wisesub said:

It is near impossible to find a passioanate mistress. They take dumb slaves with *** instead of picking proper ones. It is a bad time to be a passionate broke slave i guess lol.

Indeed, I have not been looking for a gold digger, I looked for a femdom, it's also super unattractive and shows the incompetency of the mistress, I probably could be a better dom than them, bet my sub would simp me, but honestly I can't give up on the thrill of being dominated and controlled

[Sh****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

being broke is a bad time to date in general.

while there are cheaper options - just meeting someone for coffee, travel and a couple of coffees can easily be £20-30

I would generally suggest people work on their financial situation first.

The people who want paid will always want paid - but there are plenty of people who don't.  They're on this site. They're at munches. They're on other dating sites. They're attending fetish events.  But if you can't show how you would be of use to them without making it all about your own fetishes and interests; this is going to be hard to woo. 

I don't think that's a correct equivalency at all.
*** required for dates is required at expected times and at expected amts, vs the chaos that is non-excruciatingly-explicit or -consented findomme.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, ShortSub said:

I don't think that's a correct equivalency at all.
*** required for dates is required at expected times and at expected amts, vs the chaos that is non-excruciatingly-explicit or -consented findomme.

OK to kinda go deeper onto both

If you are entering any form of Findomme arrangement there is a degree of negotiation in most cases.  This could be a case of "My typical budget is £x - I can offer this as a monthly/weekly amount of £y and occasional gifts/tips/sends/reimbursements providing it does not go over this. What I would like in exchange is..." 

This is one of the many ways to managing budgets and finances in Findom.    But again we in all of our lives have splurges or spends.  Gone out for drinks and found the bar is more expensive than we thought or whatever.

It might of course be that the person thinks you want more for your *** than she is willing to offer so it might be that one or both flat our refuses or she maybe spells things a bit.  

A common Findom game is 'debt contracts' which are not binding but the kinda vibe is that there'll be some form of rapport or exchange whenever a "repayment" is made - that does allow for a bit more flexibility.

In fact; in general one of the things that while I had a structured example above - there will be those who only partake as and when they have the budget.

---

Dating, especially fetish dating, can be quite expensive depending on what one or both wants.

As I say if I was to meet someone in my nearest major city - bus fare are £5 for the right day ticket - a couple of coffees and a small plate and we're pushing £20.   If we're doing dinner and a movie this is more again.  Even if we're both paying our own way.

Now; in my case I already own a lot of toys.  I am playing with someone this weekend and we found something we wanted to use which I did not own, so I've paid for it - although it'll be mine. In this case it's a play date and she will bring some items and I will bring others.

If someone is a new sub and wants to try certain things or do certain things and do not own the toys; then it is deeply unfair to expect a prospective partner to pay/provide them all.   

There was a thread before about someone who likes their partners in latex - which is great if she already owns some but with outfits costing three figures easy - if this is something you like to see a partner in then a question as of if you should put in should she want/need more (given latex does sometimes sadly break and is rarely the same after repair) 

--

I mean of course; a lot depends on what someone is into, what their idea of submission is like and that they may hit the jackpot with what a prospective partner already owns (and both are happy to use toys that were bought for play with an ex...) but in most cases... at least being financial secure is certainly something worth sorting before trying to get into dating.

 

[An****]

I think it is important to note that Prodoms need to make a living as well. And just because they get paid, does not mean they don't enjoy it all. They have have a job and may or may not enjoy their work, just like everyone else. If that is not what you are looking for, that is perfectly acceptable. But it does not quantify them all as fakes or frauds, just someone trying to make their way, likely doing what they enjoy. Vetting is definitely a good option for both parties to ensure you aren't running into something undesirable in any online encounter.

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 12:05 PM, ShortSub said:

I don't think that's a correct equivalency at all.
*** required for dates is required at expected times and at expected amts, vs the chaos that is non-excruciatingly-explicit or -consented findomme.

Dates are much more calculated in expenses, you can more or less control and be more aware of how much you spend, dates are also made with much more consideration over financial status and can be delayed, it's much different than findom, in findom you have much less control over your expenses, and usually the dom doesn't really mind to get you in debts, vanish, and leaving you with no way to get back on track.

[ey****]

42 minutes ago, barfifi said:

Dates are much more calculated in expenses, you can more or less control and be more aware of how much you spend, dates are also made with much more consideration over financial status and can be delayed, it's much different than findom, in findom you have much less control over your expenses, and usually the dom doesn't really mind to get you in debts, vanish, and leaving you with no way to get back on track.

Both have their same problems and budgets

So - you go for a coffee date.  You know how much it's going to cost you to get there and back and you have a coffee.  You're getting on and now have an empty cup; you'd be expected by the venue to buy another coffee.  

OK, you might kinda if it's going well - decide to go for a walk or something, but there's still every change that you'll stop for another refreshment or bite to eat.     The same can be true in other date settings, whether you get extra drinks or dessert in a restaurant or simply grab a cocktail for the road.

Dates that go well can end up having spontaneous spending decisions.   Then add in if things go really well you might end up having to get a cab. Either home, or to/from your dates.  

Of course it could be that no matter how well the date is going you are simply, OK - *** is spent - time to go home, let's do this again another time.

But, what is far more likely is to keep spending because the date is going well - and a little extra won't hurt - and, so on.

Now, unless you have be ultra clear what your budget is; your date doesn't know if you're spending beyond your means or not.

 

Exactly the same is true for Findom.

You can set a budget. You can be clear on your budget.  If you use a 3rd party site which pays per minute for you then once you go over the budget it cuts you off.  Whether you add more credits is on you.

If you haven't been clear with your budget, the person you are talking to does not know if you've gone beyond your means or not.   

If you choose to top up credits or go into debt to stay on the line or try to impress someone it's on you; just the same as if you stay out for drinks after spending your budget (not just on a date but on any night out) or tip to make you look generous or rush to try to arrange another date cos you really want to see them again before you next get paid.

 

I guess perhaps the only difference is that in Findom this is purely one-way.  They're unlikely to give you anything extra because you've run out of cash.   Whereas if you're meeting someone for a date if they know you're struggling with budget (which means they have to know!) then you might have split the dinner bill but they're getting the cocktails for the road.  

But the potential to overspend either to impress the other person or get more always exists.  This like any limit, is the individual responsibility to communicate. 

[Sh****]

Yesterday at 03:16 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

OK to kinda go deeper onto both

If you are entering any form of Findomme arrangement there is a degree of negotiation in most cases.  This could be a case of "My typical budget is £x - I can offer this as a monthly/weekly amount of £y and occasional gifts/tips/sends/reimbursements providing it does not go over this. What I would like in exchange is..." 

This is one of the many ways to managing budgets and finances in Findom.    But again we in all of our lives have splurges or spends.  Gone out for drinks and found the bar is more expensive than we thought or whatever.

It might of course be that the person thinks you want more for your *** than she is willing to offer so it might be that one or both flat our refuses or she maybe spells things a bit.  

A common Findom game is 'debt contracts' which are not binding but the kinda vibe is that there'll be some form of rapport or exchange whenever a "repayment" is made - that does allow for a bit more flexibility.

In fact; in general one of the things that while I had a structured example above - there will be those who only partake as and when they have the budget.

---

Dating, especially fetish dating, can be quite expensive depending on what one or both wants.

As I say if I was to meet someone in my nearest major city - bus fare are £5 for the right day ticket - a couple of coffees and a small plate and we're pushing £20.   If we're doing dinner and a movie this is more again.  Even if we're both paying our own way.

Now; in my case I already own a lot of toys.  I am playing with someone this weekend and we found something we wanted to use which I did not own, so I've paid for it - although it'll be mine. In this case it's a play date and she will bring some items and I will bring others.

If someone is a new sub and wants to try certain things or do certain things and do not own the toys; then it is deeply unfair to expect a prospective partner to pay/provide them all.   

There was a thread before about someone who likes their partners in latex - which is great if she already owns some but with outfits costing three figures easy - if this is something you like to see a partner in then a question as of if you should put in should she want/need more (given latex does sometimes sadly break and is rarely the same after repair) 

--

I mean of course; a lot depends on what someone is into, what their idea of submission is like and that they may hit the jackpot with what a prospective partner already owns (and both are happy to use toys that were bought for play with an ex...) but in most cases... at least being financial secure is certainly something worth sorting before trying to get into dating.

 

That's my point.
These types of discussions about cost are fine, and not what I've encountered so far.

It was more like "this much as a one-time tribute" "oh actually I'll need a bit more, last time" "Oh and I'll need more again" and it wasn't for specific things at all, in addition to blowing past the whole one-time tribute thing.

I'm 100% in agreement for such payments and discussions re: toys, clothing, sessions if meeting with a pro domme who works that way, etc, and that's my point.
It becomes explicit and detailed and that's fine, and anything less should be considered either a scammer or just someone who doesn't know what they're doing.

[Sh****]

Or rather, I have also encountered people who are up front about the details of cost and that's also fine