Best Ways to Verify/Communicate

[Deleted Member]

Hi all,

Sorry in advance, as I know this will have been covered - but I can’t find the thread!

What’s the best way to confirm someone’s identity - and what are the safest messaging options off site?

I’ve been chatting to people and some have asked for my number to talk on WhatsApp instead, which I’m hesitant to do as that has my name and other photos etc.

If I was on one of the traditional direct dating apps, it’s fairly standard to share numbers after a bit of chatting… but just looking for some advice!

[ol****]

I think you are right to be cautious.

There is no reason to move off of this site quickly. It would be a red flag for me.

My own process once I am confirtable is to give an e-mail address. (One that ha excellent anti-spam and security features.) If all is going well then you can move on to phone numbers.

[Ch****]

Personally after some chat on site first, i use kik messenger, then depending on their profile will depend on me needing verification straight away.
If they have a full and active profile with pictures then im normally in no rush for a verification but that will still come.
If the profile is new or not alot in it ect then verification will be needed asap.
I never give my number until im absolutely happy im talking to a real person and we have clicked

[ReniMasks]

if they say here is my number, snapchat, or whatisup add me pretty much right away, that is a flag.

also they tend to be pretty ***ful about it saying stuff like: if you dont have it get it, you have to get it so we can talk more and no other options especially talking on here.

if it is a number they are sliding you and on their profile it says they are from one city and the number they gave you has area code of a number across the country also pretty suspicious.

they will also hammer you with personal questions. your name, how old, marital status, kids, work and it isa just like this sequence of these questions and some you already have answer to in your profile!! imagine reading profiles right?!

Some shit they will say is straight up copy pasta and their english at times doesnt make sense. Poor sentence structures and totally random copy pastes of some made up romantic stories of their past.

Just things i have seen on here so far. Super stupid, it boggles my mind why people waste time doing this. But i guess there are victims who fall for this do to lack of knowledge, lack of perception, willingly due to curiousity, willingly due to desperation :c

[Go****]

There are lots that use kik, but I find that frustrating and there are a ridiculous amount of spam messages.

***am seems to be a popular, safe (that I know of) app for chatting, as you can set what is shared and what isn't, including telephone number, who can forward your messages, who can see you online and more.

I hope you find one you're comfortable with, good luck.

[ge****]

For me verifying someone's identity comes through spending time to get to know the person concerned, and in turn building a level of trust and instinct about how genuine they are - so it's not so much verifying as consolidating my own opinions - most of the people I talk to on sites like this are regular forum users too, which helps build a level of knowledge of that person without having to directly verify them as such.
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There are of course other more direct routes such as asking them for a pic doing something very specific or holding a piece of paper with their username on etc, but I personally think that can come across as accusatory or showing you have doubts, which may not go down that well.
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Then there are more traditional methods such as a phone call or video call - but they of course may rely on giving out numbers or personal information that you may not want to share.
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As I said for me personally it comes down to gut instinct and taking time getting to know people before looking to meet or take things further - it's not failed me yet.
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As for other platforms, again it comes down to levels of trust, and personally I find the messaging facility provided by the site works perfectly fine anyway, but when it makes sense for convenience to move to another platform I either use WhatsApp or ***am - with WhatsApp obviously you have to give your number so only people I truly trust get that, ***am also uses your number but you can hide it from other users and connect to them via usernames not your number.

[mu****]

The app here has a video chat option, I often ask for a very brief video chat to confirm identity. If the other person refuses, that's a red flag for me.
I'm not a fan of giving my phone number out until I know someone is genuine so have used Kik in the past. Avoid hangouts or any messaging connected to email addresses or profiles

[Goldie70]

I am also struggling with this. The ones who want to move straight to WhatsApp eventually want me to sign up, with a card, to some online safety check which just stinks of scam.

[Lo****]

If you’re sure they’re not fake and they’re not going to start asking you for *** or try other scams as soon as they’ve got you off here, then Kik is a popular one as you don’t have to share your phone number.

I prefer to keep conversations on here because, if things do go south, you can report it to the mods and they can see the conversation.

[ey****]

arguably - the risks associated with giving out a phone number and going to whatsapp on another dating site is exactly the same as on here

you can kinda establish if someone is potentially real via the nature of chats - I'd be hesitant if someone tries to get you off site too quickly - but again, arguably, any off-site chatter comes with similar risks regardless of the platform - so it almost is a question of what is the benefit to you both in giving out phone numbers? or going off site at all?

[Go****]

49 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

There are lots that use kik, but I find that frustrating and there are a ridiculous amount of spam messages.

***am seems to be a popular, safe (that I know of) app for chatting, as you can set what is shared and what isn't, including telephone number, who can forward your messages, who can see you online and more.

I hope you find one you're comfortable with, good luck.

I should add, I only do this after some time chatting on here, along with other things like how they conduct themselves both publicly and in messages. Wanting to move off here quickly makes me extremely hesitant.

[PJ****]

Yea I'm not a fan of kik, you get far too many spam messages plus for me, the only times people ever seem to want to go on there they've turned out to be fakes so now I dont bother... I wont give out my number unless I'm comfortable that someone is at least who they say they are - a short video call literally just to say hi and show your faces is not an unreasonable ask... and of they refuse I kinda get the red flag vibe.

If they really dont want to video call (I guess some people really hate it!) Ask for a picture of them doing something odd..(no not in that way!!) 😅 like the back of their head, or their elbow or something 😂.. try and avoid obvious ones like holding up 2 or 3 fingers or going cross eyed.. scammers are getting wise to this and sometimes have pics like this ready.

The messaging bit on this app is fairly good compared to many so I just keep things here until I'm happy to share my number and use WhatsApp - that doesn't usually happen until we're talking about meeting.

Just as a side note.. I try not to share to many personal specifics until that point either.. never give out your address, birthday or too many specific life details straight away.. most people will get vague approximations until I'm happy they're not trying to scam me 😁

[ba****]

I agree with the above. The profile verification on this site is a good first step to knowing it is a real person but I know that can be faked. I request early verification if someone sounds too good to be true (they typically refuse) if they love bomb almost instantly, sentence structure and poor grammar also lead me to suggest it. I agree with Gemini man that it can sound pushy or that you don’t believe, but what true kinkster or fetishist will mind if they really are genuine? It doesn’t take long and if done respectfully should not be an issue.
The video call option on here is a very good idea and again should not be an issue for anyone genuine. Frankly, I am not what I would describe as particularly photogenic, but would still be happy if it sets the other person’s mind at rest. On more vanilla sites it’s not as much of an issue as people here (for whatever reason - not mine to judge) do not want to be outed or exposed. And it does weed out the scammers and wannabes fairly quickly.

[sl****]

1 hour ago, Goldie70 said:

I am also struggling with this. The ones who want to move straight to WhatsApp eventually want me to sign up, with a card, to some online safety check which just stinks of scam.

That is 100% a scam.

[sl****]

Any person who asks you to sign up for a 'safety check' using your card is sending you a fake link ised by scammers to fish your card info. Sometimes they call it 'dating verification' on dating sites. Don't do it!

[ge****]

28 minutes ago, badbob1968 said:

 I agree with Gemini man that it can sound pushy or that you don’t believe, but what true kinkster or fetishist will mind if they really are genuine? It doesn’t take long and if done respectfully should not be an issue.
 

To be honest, if someone purely asked me to prove I was genuine by a video call I'd mind and it would suggest to me that the person doing the asking didn't know me that well - there's enough of me on this site to show I'm not likely to be either a fake or a scammer, from my profile to my forum interactions and more besides.

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That said as you suggest it comes down to how/when you are asked too - being blatantly asked to prove you are "real" is very different to a suggestion of a video chat as the next step in getting to know someone for example.

[Ju****]

3 hours ago, Sparks93 said:

Hi all,

Sorry in advance, as I know this will have been covered - but I can’t find the thread!

What’s the best way to confirm someone’s identity - and what are the safest messaging options off site?

I’ve been chatting to people and some have asked for my number to talk on WhatsApp instead, which I’m hesitant to do as that has my name and other photos etc.

If I was on one of the traditional direct dating apps, it’s fairly standard to share numbers after a bit of chatting… but just looking for some advice!

You're doing the right thing asking for help and advice and not just rushing into off site stuff.

 

One thing i will say is... 

 

If you are feeling weary and cautious that someones not real or who they say they are, why go off site.

Number of things you can check someones authenticity on site..

 

How many photos do they have. Are all photos of the same person but with different backgrounds? Are they verified? How long have they been on site? Whats their message rating? Do they have many friends on here who have ticked them as known (though i dont always swear by this one because some people add and mark people known on day one). 

 

For example me. I have 400+ photos.

No one dare tell me i am not real 🤣 ive all different photos in different poses and backgrounds. I have 70 something friends with like 40+ marked me as known in real life. Because i have met people in real life.

I am verified and been on here 2 years and very active. 

If i talked to someone who only had two photos that looked similair or "too professional" to be real.. id probably be hestitant. 

 

What i would do is.. ask them to upload a pic to their own profile. Nothing sexual. But maybe with a cheeky smile and a thumb on their nose.

This way you are choosing a simple pose that a genuine person who wanted to connect wouldnt have an issue with. Youll know its recent and you could even do the same to verify yourself for them with a pose of thier choice. Its all safe that way. 

 

Please dont forget this sites messaginf service has a cam/video call option.. in private mailbox. So you could easily ask for a video chat to wave and say their name and hello. If not satisfied all you do is hang up and block or progress with offsite chatting if you feel comfortable. 

If for any reason someone is pushy.. asked for hangouts and kik especially.. in my experience on here its usually a red flag. Whatsapp isnt so bad but probably more commonly used now to connect or scam i dont know. 

I wouldnt give my details to someone i wasnt comfy with. 

But look for other flags. Like if they seem to want a D/s or relationship from you and its been 3 days.. its probably not real. If they want to meet and play somewhere secluded on first date.. its probably not real. Always stay public and learn someone before play time or sex. 

I know its maybe different for a ONS but people dont usually go through too much effort bonding online and via whatsapp for a one off f**k. 

Just follow your gut. But try the safe techniques i mentioned above. They're safe and simple and not much to ask.

If someone is reluctant to prove themselves and have excuse after excuse.. maybe procreed with caution. X

[ba****]

50 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

To be honest, if someone purely asked me to prove I was genuine by a video call I'd mind and it would suggest to me that the person doing the asking didn't know me that well - there's enough of me on this site to show I'm not likely to be either a fake or a scammer, from my profile to my forum interactions and more besides.

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That said as you suggest it comes down to how/when you are asked too - being blatantly asked to prove you are "real" is very different to a suggestion of a video chat as the next step in getting to know someone for example.

Yes, someone asking known long term users to verify would be silly. New users or those with little to no info on their profile or when they get into immediate love bombing and ask to go off site are all red flags to me and it is they who I seek verification from. If a verified user that is clearly part of the community with history on the app expressed an interest that level wouldn’t be necessary. When I was in my swinging period verifying was a quick chat on the phone and then arranging a date but this is clearly a very different dynamic!

[Deleted Member]

Thanks to all who have responded so far - some very useful tips and guidance from your experiences! Really appreciated!

[Ju****]

16 minutes ago, badbob1968 said:

Yes, someone asking known long term users to verify would be silly. New users or those with little to no info on their profile or when they get into immediate love bombing and ask to go off site are all red flags to me and it is they who I seek verification from. If a verified user that is clearly part of the community with history on the app expressed an interest that level wouldn’t be necessary. When I was in my swinging period verifying was a quick chat on the phone and then arranging a date but this is clearly a very different dynamic!

Im sorry id have to disagree with you here.

Especially that first line.

 

Just because someone is a long term known user.. doesnt mean that person getting to know them.. who maybe isnt a long term user.. and therefore more anxious and not used to this sort of thing.. need and want their own peace of mind.

Just because someone is a long term user doesnt mean they are entitled to automatic authenticity. We are just as equal to someone else.  

 

Another reason its not silly... 

Someone may be a long term user.. 

Me asking for their identity to be proved or for a video call for example.. isnt just about knowing if someone is real. 

Its about MY gut instinct when i see them. When i speak to them. How i feel. 

I swear by my gut 

A simple interaction for me with someone will determine how i feel towards a deeper connection with someone or not. 

I dont want to walk up to them in person and a switch flip off.. thos isnt soemone for me.. and sit there through a coffee feeling awkward. When i could cut that bit out with a call. 

 

So yeah.. just because we are long standing members doesnt mean we shouldnt prove ourselves to them how we expect them to do for us. Thats double standards or whatever. 

Id never be offended personally if a new person wanted peace of mind and me to prove myself 

And being here as long as i have, i understand those first time nerves. Plus ive nothing to hide and im genuine so they can't offend me. 

 

Just my 2 cents lol

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

Im sorry id have to disagree with you here.

Especially that first line.

 

Just because someone is a long term known user.. doesnt mean that person getting to know them.. who maybe isnt a long term user.. and therefore more anxious and not used to this sort of thing.. need and want their own peace of mind.

Just because someone is a long term user doesnt mean they are entitled to automatic authenticity. We are just as equal to someone else.  

 

Another reason its not silly... 

Someone may be a long term user.. 

Me asking for their identity to be proved or for a video call for example.. isnt just about knowing if someone is real. 

Its about MY gut instinct when i see them. When i speak to them. How i feel. 

I swear by my gut 

A simple interaction for me with someone will determine how i feel towards a deeper connection with someone or not. 

I dont want to walk up to them in person and a switch flip off.. thos isnt soemone for me.. and sit there through a coffee feeling awkward. When i could cut that bit out with a call. 

 

So yeah.. just because we are long standing members doesnt mean we shouldnt prove ourselves to them how we expect them to do for us. Thats double standards or whatever. 

Id never be offended personally if a new person wanted peace of mind and me to prove myself 

And being here as long as i have, i understand those first time nerves. Plus ive nothing to hide and im genuine so they can't offend me. 

 

Just my 2 cents lol

You make a very good point Jen and apologies if my original comment that sparked this came across as at all arrogant, or suggesting that just because I've been here a while I'm somehow above any kind of suspicion - which was not my point or intent in the slightest.
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Was more that by looking at my profile and forum interactions (which can be seen on my profile) you can get a "feel" for me at least - couple that with someone off the bat asking me to "prove" I am genuine and I wouldn't necessarily be overly comfortable being asked to do so at that point.
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Down the line and asked a little less directly and I'd have no problem with it at all, especially if it was to provide a level of reassurance about safety/security etc.

[Ju****]

2 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

You make a very good point Jen and apologies if my original comment that sparked this came across as at all arrogant, or suggesting that just because I've been here a while I'm somehow above any kind of suspicion - which was not my point or intent in the slightest.
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Was more that by looking at my profile and forum interactions (which can be seen on my profile) you can get a "feel" for me at least - couple that with someone off the bat asking me to "prove" I am genuine and I wouldn't necessarily be overly comfortable being asked to do so at that point.
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Down the line and asked a little less directly and I'd have no problem with it at all, especially if it was to provide a level of reassurance about safety/security etc.

Nah no arrogance at all. 

It was more the wording on it being 'silly'.

Its not silly. Its very valid and required by some. 

Not everyone is new and it can be intimidating having to ask someone to prove their identity. But its also responsible and brave of them to challenge that.

 

I am very active on here and across forums. 

I know i dont need to prove who i am.. to myself.

But to someone else who maybe wants to know if i am their cup of tea. Or just to settle their minds.. i dont mind offerind that peace if mind.

 

I just cant say.. nah im active here i dont need to prove myself. But you do being new... its not very fair. Like any relationship.. friendship or attempt at these.. equal effort is always required

 

Now if a random i wasnt into or working on soemthing with said prove this n that. Id tell them to sling their hook. Ive very evident im real.. but to someone im bonding with  i have no hold ups on proving anything they feel theyre unsure of. 

 

But i definately do think all involved should prove their real and genuine for going forward. 

And as i said for me.. i could know your real and the nicest guy in the world.. but i need to feel that spark or gut instinct so some form of verification will definately settle that for me. 

 

 

[4R****]

Some interesting comments on this thread.

I generally talk to people on the site and get to know them that way. Once we've been chatting for a while one of us might suggest moving to another platform and I tend to prefer WhatsApp. When it gets to that stage, I'm not bothered about sharing my phone number with them and I can block them if I ever need to (that's only happened on a couple of occasions).

 

There are people from this site (and even in this thread) who have become good friends and we regularly chat via WhatsApp as it's just a bit easier than opening the Fetist App or Site when sat in the office. 

I've had people do the whole "holding up a piece of paper with my username on it" but that's usually at their suggestion rather than mine but on occasion where I've been a bit suspicious or if someone seems to be trying to rush I will ask for it directly - if they refuse, then they are gone. 

Video calls is a great way to continue the conversation and check someone's body language is consistent with their words. If they say they are single but there is a man's shirt or coat hanging up in the background it can be a tell-tale sign. Timing and availability for calls can also be rather enlightening, especially if they are only available at certain times. That said, as a single dad I am only available for a VC when my boy is out or in bed, so you do have to look for multiple clues or see if the explanation given makes sense. 

Kik does my head in - it has pop-up ads that take 30 seconds to clear and that drives me insane, especially mid conversation. 

 

I might however explore the ***am app a bit further as I've only recently downloaded it and not used it very much. It's useful to know that ***am gives the option to add via username rather than phone number. 

[Deleted Member]

Ummm.. so…
I do go to cell phone quite early on…. But only if the following conditions are met..
1. You are from around where I am
2. We’ve had a conversation that has been back and forth for at least a few hours
3. You’ve agree to meet me in a public place.

If you aren’t local, it’ll take months of me seeing that person chat in the lobby, post in the forum, or message in here before moving to a different platform, or asking for other details.

I don’t hide who I am once I’ve made a determination of making that next step to meet, etc.

[ge****]

14 minutes ago, SirArchA said:

 

I might however explore the ***am app a bit further as I've only recently downloaded it and not used it very much. It's useful to know that ***am gives the option to add via username rather than phone number. 

Would definitely recommend ***am - has all the benefits of Kik without any of the drawbacks and the user interface is much better too