Emotions. Attachment. How it affects sadism and hedonistic qualities

[Je****]

Ok bare with me.

 

My wording and phrasing may be poor. 

 

 

*** i want to stress that any events i describe have been safely practised. Responsibly and consensually.  No one was harmed or at risk and i had full control of myself and my actions ***

 

 

Okay so i switch in the bedroom. I am still new and learning. I am not quite dominant not quite submissive. I find this alters quite erratically for me. 

 

For example. 

With my partner i want to be dominantand assertive. Take control more and be *cruel and mean* 

(Within our agreed boundaries and limits).

 

But i find that because i love this person.. i hinder my full potential. 

I am afraid to hurt or upset them. Whether thats through anything physical or verbal.. like humiliation for example.

Because  i have strong feelings for this person i am more sensual. Hedonistic attentive and take everything with caution with them in mind. 

Even if they want me to say be aggresisve or sadistic in bed or play.. i clam up.

I cant physically or verbally do it. 

 

 

On the flip side.

 

I had sexual experience with a guy who hurt my feels in the past.

I have no emotional attachment to him. 

And i found that while in bed doing the deed my sadistic and primal side came out.

I was very much capable to verbally humiliating him. CBT. Choking, slapping, throwing him about.  Biting and all sorts. My aggression was a huge turn on for him as he didnt expect it. (Obv we chatted as things happened and he was fine with what was occuring) and once we had that chat i found myself all forms of growling, choking, force and just letting what i can describe as angry rage sex. 

 

Now reflecting on this it made me feel bad. Obv my partner is a very diff person to this other guy especially sexually and wouldnt like some of these things... but would enjoy others. 

The *only* hold up i can identify is that my feelings towards both were very different. 

I would be terrified to do or soemthing that may hurt or upset someone i love.. and its not that i felt anything was ok to hurt the other guy (which i wouldnt do) that fear didnt cross my mind. 

 

I feel the attachment makes me more aware of hurting someone because i have more to lose within a relationship than a guy who could just say nah stop and leave. 

That i over think and clam up when it should actually be the other way around. That i should know and trust, not fear, being this way with someone i hold close.

 

But my instincts hit into protect and nurture instead of subject and torture 😅😅

 

Can anyone help me or advise me on how to let down that 'loving' wall. So i can give my full potential to someone i hold close?

We communciate to the teeth and both happy with what we do try, but i want ti push MY own boundaries and comfort zone.

I just dont know how to seperate that line.

 

[Chloebear]

I find it much easier to hard Domme and humiliate people I’m not as close to. I think there was some anger in you about what had happened and it found its way out through the way you interacted. Not that you enacted anger, but that the energy that was behind the sexual interaction was charged with some of the resentment about his behaviour, maybe it’s what made you more assertive too, taking control… but basically the energy behind the interaction was totally different to your main relationship.

I have been told that the way to handle harsher Domination is in embracing that it’s what your sub desires, and in doing this you are acting in affection even when it doesn’t seem that way, because you are giving them what they want and need. I think the other part is in the aftercare, reassuring your sub but also, really important, that as the Domme you also get reassurance that what you did was enjoyed/wanted/confirmation of the relationship etc. The fear of hurting them (psychologically) and losing them makes us hold back I think, whereas people we aren’t attached to don’t have this same ‘value’ in our lives, so we are free to be bolder and take more risks.

Personal opinion anyway 😊

[Je****]

Yes. I agree on the anger and frustration anf the outlet.

But il make it very clear i wasnt angry with the guy i was with. He wasnt the one i was raged at but more so allowed me to be creative with my emotional outlet. I needed that comfort and thrill and he knew that. I wasnt in anyway angry with him. He hurt my feels in the past and yes i still care about him to a degree but not emotionally in the same way as my relationship. 

 

But while i know partner wants certain things and aftercare will be given and sought.. i still hit that blank wall when it comes to the thing. An immediate mental shut down. 

Once i get past that il fly but i cant break it at the moment which is annoying

[Chloebear]

23 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Yes. I agree on the anger and frustration anf the outlet.

But il make it very clear i wasnt angry with the guy i was with. He wasnt the one i was raged at but more so allowed me to be creative with my emotional outlet. I needed that comfort and thrill and he knew that. I wasnt in anyway angry with him. He hurt my feels in the past and yes i still care about him to a degree but not emotionally in the same way as my relationship. 

 

But while i know partner wants certain things and aftercare will be given and sought.. i still hit that blank wall when it comes to the thing. An immediate mental shut down. 

Once i get past that il fly but i cant break it at the moment which is annoying

Yea, it’s the energy of it, but the anger isn’t the intention. It just comes from a more adrenaline fuelled place. Do you think in any way you were taking control of a situation because he had taken control from you before? In terms of communication, if that makes sense….

I’m not sure with taking the step but I suspect that the answer is that when you do you’ll see how much it’s appreciated, and that will create that feedback loop that will allow you to keep going and feel that confidence. I think I’ve done very specific discussions about exactly what they like, as it made me feel more comfortable with how far to go. So… asking for specific examples of things said or done as humiliation in an ideal situation, then come up with my own - asking if that would work, why, why not. Use some of the exact scenarios at first to see how it feels and plays out with the safety net of knowing they’ve pre-confirmed it’s something they like the idea of. Then build up from there with ideas etc.when I first Dommed I did a lot of very prescriptive stuff. It wasn’t as fun for me and it was a bit clunky, I didn’t feel I owned it but I did feel secure doing it…

[Je****]

12 hours ago, Chloebear said:

Yea, it’s the energy of it, but the anger isn’t the intention. It just comes from a more adrenaline fuelled place. Do you think in any way you were taking control of a situation because he had taken control from you before? In terms of communication, if that makes sense….

I’m not sure with taking the step but I suspect that the answer is that when you do you’ll see how much it’s appreciated, and that will create that feedback loop that will allow you to keep going and feel that confidence. I think I’ve done very specific discussions about exactly what they like, as it made me feel more comfortable with how far to go. So… asking for specific examples of things said or done as humiliation in an ideal situation, then come up with my own - asking if that would work, why, why not. Use some of the exact scenarios at first to see how it feels and plays out with the safety net of knowing they’ve pre-confirmed it’s something they like the idea of. Then build up from there with ideas etc.when I first Dommed I did a lot of very prescriptive stuff. It wasn’t as fun for me and it was a bit clunky, I didn’t feel I owned it but I did feel secure doing it…

Thank you. 

 

We actually had a chat about it all last night and i definitely know its an emotional line for me.

Its definately the trip switch that im afraid to use here.

I did however joke that we needed an argument (as we never do) and the idea of angry sex was giggled about.

Maybe i need one emotion over powering the other to block my mind; but it did lead to over conversations about some things we can do and try to lessen my walls. 

Heres hoping 🤞

Thanks chloe xx

[Valpine]

I think you can be different things with different people, especially if you are switch oriented. I had a similar circumstance years ago and found I wasn’t owning it and began to over think whether I was giving my partner what they really wanted. We employed an exercise where we each wrote down a framework of what we’d like to happen, entering as much detail as possible so we had the What we wanted, why we wanted. We left the how we’d do it to a discourse after we’d completed the written part. Writing our desires freed up or thinking to real blue sky wants and needs. The discourse brought us back together to find our common ground. Didn’t fully realise our potential in the first session from that, but things became more natural, organic and comfortable very quickly

[Da****]

I have run into this with my sub in the past. We talked about triggers for her from her past and definitely made sure that after a scene we talked about what was ok and what pushed those triggers, especially on the verbal side. I made sure she knew that I respected her and didn't think she was any of the things that were said. And that I loved her. As you two have good communication, I think you could probably try pushing some of your boundaries,as long as your partner is willing to try, and go from there...

I find it interesting that we,in the community talk a lot about a sub's boundaries but not much about a Dom's boundaries....just an observation

[Chloebear]

17 minutes ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I have run into this with my sub in the past. We talked about triggers for her from her past and definitely made sure that after a scene we talked about what was ok and what pushed those triggers, especially on the verbal side. I made sure she knew that I respected her and didn't think she was any of the things that were said. And that I loved her. As you two have good communication, I think you could probably try pushing some of your boundaries,as long as your partner is willing to try, and go from there...

I find it interesting that we,in the community talk a lot about a sub's boundaries but not much about a Dom's boundaries....just an observation

This is true, although it’s come up in the lobby a few times as a topic - that we also respect a Dom’s boundaries and that a Dom can also safeword.

[Da****]

31 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

This is true, although it’s come up in the lobby a few times as a topic - that we also respect a Dom’s boundaries and that a Dom can also safeword.

Agreed 1000%. We even have a safeword for my subs brattyness.

[Je****]

21 minutes ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

Agreed 1000%. We even have a safeword for my subs brattyness.

This is 10000% a point i never even thought possible but ive no idea why. 

 

That's actually very well done on a fom safeword for a subs brattiness

More people should bare this in mind 

[Chloebear]

We are really talking about pushing your limits Jen, so having a safe word is important.

[Je****]

52 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

We are really talking about pushing your limits Jen, so having a safe word is important.

10000000% agree

[ol****]

I am not sure I can explain this in words while at the same time being 100% aware of the feeling.

If you have a strong emotional connection ( maybe even love) the person then your urge is to safeguard and protect. Getting past that to deliver what they crave takes time and effort and it might not do anything for you. 

Baby steps and short sessions is probably the only way forward and you might find you both need the aftercare. 

While there is nothing wrong with angry sex it does not sound like the answer in this case.

[to****]

Finally Jen: as others have noted, a saf

[to****]

Finally Jen: as others have noted, a safe word or phrase or some kind of physical signal is key here. Even more important is your attention to the safe word and immediate cessation of whatever act prompted the safe word.

There are times - many of us have experienced - when we are in a zone and keep going despite our partners discomfort or even injury.

I’ve been in the L/s for at lest 25 years and before I have sex with a new partner, I make a safe word mandatory. I simply won’t engage without one.

The safe word is for my protection as much as her protection. I’ll get funny looks at times for suggesting it, but my sessions are long and intense.

I always honor that word, phrase or whatever.

[Je****]

Thanks to all comments posted..i appreciate it. 

 

I however feel this has been misconstrued in some way. 

 

I am confused on the "safeword" comments. 

 

We have a safe word in place. Its a very useful and utilised thing for us. We wouldnt ever interact without one.

 

But my struggle is not with using a safeword.

Its simply getting the words out in the first place 

The mental barrier in my head that holds my tongue still and clams me up. 

How to break down that barrier is my issue. I physically cannot get my words out. 

Any play we do a safeword is always on standby and has been used if needed.

But for mw voicing what i want when and how.. stage  fright. I freeze and i get anxiety even getting one word out. 

 

I love and trust my partner 100% and we have an established relationship 2yr strong. I know i can say and do anything with them and itll be respected and discussed.. but due to my strong feelings for them my emotions get in the way and i clam. This is the bit i need to work on. 

Even if its asking for sex or some kind of dress up perhaps.. i just end up thinking what if im bothering soemone and my mind goes a million miles a minute.

Its an odd one. But safewords.. arent an issue here x

[Si****]

It is difficult Jen.  I knew someone who could not spit in her partners face - just could not bring herself to do that even though its what he wanted.  Perhaps seeing the enjoyment from your partner will help to chart a way forward

[Wo****]

@Finally_Jen

I relate to your hesitancy in vocalising... when I met Fen I was very quiet during any sexual acts. I find it easy, or at least easier, to vocalise while we're discussing stuff rather than during. Been working on it, Fen is amazing with me, encouraging me to vocalise more by asking me questions or by telling me/asking me about what we're doing. I know it's different in your case but you might be able to take something from it.

 

I so get what you mean about struggling to get the words out. I do too. I have almost a running commentary in my head, know what I want to say, it's just actually saying them.....

Not sure what advice I can give but i can at least empathise.

🙏😚🙏

[BruiseWayne]

On 8/4/2022 at 11:54 AM, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I find it interesting that we,in the community talk a lot about a sub's boundaries but not much about a Dom's boundaries....just an observation

People have very unrealistic expectations of what a Dom/me is supposed to be sometimes. Too many expect us all to be 1000% self assured, confident, decisive, capable, and emotionally stable all the goddamn time without leaving any room for us to be human and have human moments like Jen is experiencing rn. Then some Ds feel like they have to always maintain and project this facade lest someone secretly take points off of their desirability factor for it.

 

Thankfully she doesn't seem to be having that problem with her partner, I'm JSing.

 

Little frustrating and annoying pet peeve of mine there...

 

OT.. I really wish I could help you out here but I'm the exact opposite. The stronger of a connection I have with a person the easier it is for me to be cruel and sadistic to them. When I don't feel quite as involved or feel that they're not really into me and vice versa that's when I tend to hold back. I feed off of my partners' energy. Someone I dgaf about emotionally makes it harder for me to cut loose on them actually, but even then that's not 1000% across the board.

I completely understand feeling the way you do though.

There's a possibility you might not even be able to get past this emotional stumbling block at all and that's okay too. You're poly so I don't need to tell you not everyone has to be able to fulfill all of their partner(s)' needs all the time.

[Je****]

4 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said:

People have very unrealistic expectations of what a Dom/me is supposed to be sometimes. Too many expect us all to be 1000% self assured, confident, decisive, capable, and emotionally stable all the goddamn time without leaving any room for us to be human and have human moments like Jen is experiencing rn. Then some Ds feel like they have to always maintain and project this facade lest someone secretly take points off of their desirability factor for it.

 

Thankfully she doesn't seem to be having that problem with her partner, I'm JSing.

 

Little frustrating and annoying pet peeve of mine there...

 

OT.. I really wish I could help you out here but I'm the exact opposite. The stronger of a connection I have with a person the easier it is for me to be cruel and sadistic to them. When I don't feel quite as involved or feel that they're not really into me and vice versa that's when I tend to hold back. I feed off of my partners' energy. Someone I dgaf about emotionally makes it harder for me to cut loose on them actually, but even then that's not 1000% across the board.

I completely understand feeling the way you do though.

There's a possibility you might not even be able to get past this emotional stumbling block at all and that's okay too. You're poly so I don't need to tell you not everyone has to be able to fulfill all of their partner(s)' needs all the time.

Yes i want to be able to give them soemthing.. but its more so for myself. My own growth and progress than soley for someone elses benefit 

 

I dont want to be able yo give this part of me to soemone else im not emotionally attached to and leave someone i care about wondering how or why i cant be full with them. 

Cus i love and trust them 100% and the bond is so so strong. 

My ability to vocalise sadly flops in this area though. Just a mental block i need to own and defeat i think 

[BruiseWayne]

1 minute ago, Finally_Jen said:

Yes i want to be able to give them soemthing.. but its more so for myself. My own growth and progress than soley for someone elses benefit 

 

I dont want to be able yo give this part of me to soemone else im not emotionally attached to and leave someone i care about wondering how or why i cant be full with them. 

Cus i love and trust them 100% and the bond is so so strong. 

My ability to vocalise sadly flops in this area though. Just a mental block i need to own and defeat i think 

Oh no I didn't mean solely for their benefit, I meant more in the spirit of providing for one another, which is along the lines of what you're saying here too.

 

The thing I'm trying to tell you is if you legitimately try and you ultimately are unable to get past it you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about it.

 

Maybe a little counseling might help get you over the hump since you can't seem to bring yourself to vocalize sufficiently enough with your partner? An impartial 3rd party you're not emotionally attached to might be easier to open up with. Kinda like how you were able to unleash on that guy you didn't really have strong feels like you have for your primary. Getting to be able to talk it out and express yourself without all that anxiety getting in the way could be good for you and go a long ways toward helping you defeat that mental block since that seems to be what's getting in the way.

 

Just something to consider.

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said:

Oh no I didn't mean solely for their benefit, I meant more in the spirit of providing for one another, which is along the lines of what you're saying here too.

 

The thing I'm trying to tell you is if you legitimately try and you ultimately are unable to get past it you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about it.

 

Maybe a little counseling might help get you over the hump since you can't seem to bring yourself to vocalize sufficiently enough with your partner? An impartial 3rd party you're not emotionally attached to might be easier to open up with. Kinda like how you were able to unleash on that guy you didn't really have strong feels like you have for your primary. Getting to be able to talk it out and express yourself without all that anxiety getting in the way could be good for you and go a long ways toward helping you defeat that mental block since that seems to be what's getting in the way.

 

Just something to consider.

Thank you xxx

[BruiseWayne]

2 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Thank you xxx

YW.