Attachment styles

[Deleted Member]

Heyy,

I am a woman who feels deeply. I have an anxious attachment style....

I was wondering.. have you ever been with someone who has an anxious attachment style? How was it for you? What advice do you have?

Do you have an anxious attachment style? How does it work for you? Any adivce?

And... do you perhaps have suggestions on what to try?

Girlypop🩷

[Deleted Member]

Read : attached by Amir Levine.
I'd be relatively secure, with anxious tendencies. All I can say is try to avoid avoidant type, they will ruin you.

[Deleted Member]

I have anxious attachment type and abandonment issues. Even knowing this and using tools I have learned thru therapy it still gets the best of me some days. Just ended a relationship with an avoidance type that destroyed me. Except I didnt know he was until it was too late. My best advice is to love yourself and remember that you are worth everything you desire and deserve someone that can talk you thru the rough days and be gentle and understanding.

[na****]

Used to be anxious but now to come avoidant. It's been a weird transition.

[Ma****]

I used to be anxious. I put the work in, made healthy boundaries, ***d myself to be OK with me & OK with being alone. Worked hard on not being clingy too. I’m much more healthy now, but put the work in and recognize your worth.

[Deleted Member]

My wife has an anxious attachment style. We've been together 21 years, so you can definitely build a relationship!
The thing is, this is how you are. The other person can't change it, they have to accept it.
But that isn't a negative. Yes, they have to understand that a neutral comment might land as criticism, and that comfort offered isn't rejected because you don't want it, but because it's not the right context. That can be a learning curve.
Tell them that the overriding thing you need is to feel safe. If they make a safe environment for you, a place where you can close the door on the world, they have won.
It's not about fighting your battles for you, but about healing you afterwards.

[Deleted Member]

Communication I find is the key to everything. And saying the parts you want so badly to keep to you even if they don't make sense to say. The parts we want to keep to ourself is the part that is causing the anxious and once its labels it becomes something that can be worked on.

[Lu****]

I’m 50% anxious and 50% secure. The anxious always feels bigger because it’s more problematic.

I found polysecure a helpful read. Even if you are not poly it’s still a good read. The book also talks about attachment to the self, and secure self attachment and self love is reccomend as a good place to start. 💕🩷

[Deleted Member]

But also you need space. You don't overcome anxiety by smothering. You need to be met on equal terms. Yes, be there for the hug when you need it, but also be prepared to be pushed away when you don't. The amount of physical contact isn't a measure of love. It's a measure of anxiety. Be present, not pushy.
The best compliment my wife gave me was when she said she hated everyone in the world, and just wanted to be alone at home. Which meant with me.

[Mr****]

Find the root of the current anxiety and request reassurance.

Notice I didn't say "your" anxiety or "all the anxieties you feel", because both are lies: anxiety is transient, it is something that washes over you (not something you posses—if you possessed it, you could directly control it), and it is something wired to a particular thought pattern (thus, thousands of triggers).

Trust the responses, and trust the normal reaction to those responses. If you feel seen, then accept that as truth. If you instincts fire that the response was "less-than-sufficient", then say that you still need something else, even if you can't put it into words.

Two things. First: accept the response. If they are unable of unwilling to reassure you as you need, "it is the path of fools to walk a road where you must lay every brick." What they are, they are—this must be accepted. Second, accept your anxiety. It isn't a problem, it's your most ancient signal to avoid harm because you have not made peace with the acceptance of harm. Perhaps there is benefit to doing so; but honestly, it's a cursed strength that dims the light of the world in gaining. Be cool with "never quite being cool" and you'll do just fine.

[Deleted Member]

YouTube: Jimmy in Relationships, The Holistic Psychologist, The Yoga Couple Mat and Ash, Dr. Teri Olds, and Dr. Maika Steinborn... Should get the algorithm geared for other good sources

Books: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson (pivotal to understanding the dynamics) and The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Reel

Start there

[po****]

I used to have this attachment style and it worked until I had to change it and it’s been three years and I believe I have an healthy attachment now it took time but I understand your situation. The scary thing is the cycle of people we get into and it’s a real situation when over and over we fall for the detached person and how it’s a situation that we are both drawn to on both sides . All I know is that I have empathy for you and I love your understanding of yourself and I can share my experiences with you and help if you so desire but you need to choose this path instead of the one that literally is a trap that for unknown reason you are drawn to if this makes sense let’s talk

[fa****]

I have an anxious attachment style with *** of abandoment.
The best advice I have is to find a good therapist (Emphasis on GOOD. Don't settle and assume they know whats best if you don't agree with them) and engage in CBT and dialectical therapy to find the root of how and perhaps why your anxiety forms.
From there, armed with that knowledge, you are geared to catch yourself when you begin to fall into anxious thought patterns and challenege those anxieties as they form, allowing you to reassure *yourself* and accept that your anxieties are often not based in the other person or how they're treating you.

[Ba****]

I‘m probably more toward the avoidant side but i had anxious partners before so my only suggestion would be talk with your partner about it, reassurance doesn’t just randomly fall out of the sky, keeping it to yourself to „not burden“ your partner is basically just letting it eat you from the inside while giving your partner the vague feeling that „something is wrong“, while even just spewing word salad at your partner tends to at the very least help you and your partner understand the „why, what and how“ of your situation

I know, „who knew letting your partner actually be a partner to you would be good for a relationship??“ but well most people tend to be a bit too reserved and it takes a lot of trust and courage to be a *** in the ass on purpose even when necessary, and just based on personal experience it’s a lot nicer to be woken up late/early in the night to be dragged into being a silent participant in someone else’s self-help than to have the constant feeling that something is off until they blow up seemingly at random

Also be carefully selective even about positive reassurance, too much or the wrong kind can help foster dependency, good rule of thumb is to look out for „only“-s as in „i see you“(good) and „only i see you“/„i see only you“(not good)

Good luck

[gr****]

For me it's just annoying. No offense but the lack of confidence and need for constant reassurance is too much for me to deal with.

[ta****]

honestly it should not be a deal breaker however you need to be careful not to let it become controlling because it will eventually get to a point where it starts to hurt the relationship always be willing to work through this with your partner but maintaining boundaries on the subject should be equally as important

[69****]

I like it! But have to like the person. It can be sexxi to know sum1 is stuck to u like that. But a turn off if ur not attracted to them

[dr****]

I lived 37 years with one and I was an Avoidant style the worst match. Love works in misterious ways. Awareness and conflict communication is the key. But if one of the two is unaware or dismiss his own or partner style your doom

[Deleted Member]

Also a ***ful avoidant, was not a good match with anxious. Been doing a lot of work to be more secure and open. Same can be done for any attachment style. Therapy can be a fantastic way to learn the tools, but practice is key especially when not in crisis. Hope this helps.

[Lo****]

I did date a woman with an undiagnosed case of this anxious attraction disorder. We worked through her symptoms and I found her to be a loving and giving woman.

[dt****]

Just got dumped by an avoidant on my birthday last year after 2 years. Honestly the last 8 months have been hell trying to figure out what went wrong. Big part of it was that nervous anxious attachment I have, lack of truth and trust from both sides. Anxiousness for my comes from marriage for 15+ years to a party girl, not coming home etc. If you find the right partner there is nothing to be anxious about.

[To****]

14 hours ago, dtdev said:

Just got dumped by an avoidant on my birthday last year after 2 years. Honestly the last 8 months have been hell trying to figure out what went wrong. Big part of it was that nervous anxious attachment I have, lack of truth and trust from both sides. Anxiousness for my comes from marriage for 15+ years to a party girl, not coming home etc. If you find the right partner there is nothing to be anxious about.

Anxiousness and insecurities aren’t the problem of the woman or the person said person is the situation they’ve been putting my previous partners devious lies and infidelity once a person has the attachments they are never to go our scarred for life so one innocent look at your phone and your partner could be on you. You started the anxious and insecurities off is not the problem of the person who has the disorder is the problem of others that caused it for life

[ro****]

How I handle anything to do with my personal mental health or disorders is I
Don’t have anyone else have to deal with it other than myself.
It’s hard but if someone I am interested in hasn’t done anything to raise concerns I make sure to not have them feel they have or comfort my mental issues

It may be hard but I live by the modo
“It’s not my fault I am this way but it is absolutely my problem”

[To****]

1 hour ago, roseburg734059 said:

How I handle anything to do with my personal mental health or disorders is I
Don’t have anyone else have to deal with it other than myself.
It’s hard but if someone I am interested in hasn’t done anything to raise concerns I make sure to not have them feel they have or comfort my mental issues

It may be hard but I live by the modo
“It’s not my fault I am this way but it is absolutely my problem”

It has become your problem scared from previous relationships i have empathy i have mental health issues but i also am a champion and have empathy! To what brings on such situations is the problem n cause of it you are not to blame! Also the modern lifestyle doesn’t help when insecurity anxiety steps in. But as a long term suffer of bi polar and many other kinks over my life😉 I give voluntary ***r to ***r support in mental health suiside n self harm so if ur touched by madness then sit down next to me! Talk about your problems don’t harbour them up it gets worse 🙄 mike

[ro****]

I definitely used to bottle things up and that eventually led to self medication (alcohol) and that led to a attempt at not being around anymore got diagnosed with bipolar decided I was ready to stop self medicating put myself through rehab, realized my first love would be happier in life if she had a partner she was able to trust so I let her go because I really did/do love her and that means I wanted her to be the happiest version of herself and I knew that me being her partner was no longer the best for her.
Took 4 years off of trying to date and random hookups, became a manager of a adult foster home for the mentally disabled, went to school to become a behavior health specialist, found people I can trust to help me process my emotions and talk with and got comfortable enough with the support I had, the work I’ve done, and who I am to understand I can’t ever control the universe or the people who live amungst me in it. I can only control how I react to those things. I am no better than anyone else, as there is no absolute right way to live life or process emotions. There is only the way that works for each person.
So how I choose to be a little tougher on myself and what I want to bring to my relationships and friendships isn’t what is best or good for everyone just works for me.
I am a open book if anyone of my partners wants to hear my worries or ***s I am more than willing to let them in but I don’t have any expectations on others to do so I just appreciate when they do spend time on me, with me or for me