Attachment styles

[Na****]

Heyy,

I am a woman who feels deeply. I have an anxious attachment style....

I was wondering.. have you ever been with someone who has an anxious attachment style? How was it for you? What advice do you have?

Do you have an anxious attachment style? How does it work for you? Any adivce?

And... do you perhaps have suggestions on what to try?

Girlypop🩷

[Trobbinghood]

Read : attached by Amir Levine.
I'd be relatively secure, with anxious tendencies. All I can say is try to avoid avoidant type, they will ruin you.

[Deleted Member]

I have anxious attachment type and abandonment issues. Even knowing this and using tools I have learned thru therapy it still gets the best of me some days. Just ended a relationship with an avoidance type that destroyed me. Except I didnt know he was until it was too late. My best advice is to love yourself and remember that you are worth everything you desire and deserve someone that can talk you thru the rough days and be gentle and understanding.

[na****]

Used to be anxious but now to come avoidant. It's been a weird transition.

[Ma****]

I used to be anxious. I put the work in, made healthy boundaries, ***d myself to be OK with me & OK with being alone. Worked hard on not being clingy too. I’m much more healthy now, but put the work in and recognize your worth.

[st****]

My wife has an anxious attachment style. We've been together 21 years, so you can definitely build a relationship!
The thing is, this is how you are. The other person can't change it, they have to accept it.
But that isn't a negative. Yes, they have to understand that a neutral comment might land as criticism, and that comfort offered isn't rejected because you don't want it, but because it's not the right context. That can be a learning curve.
Tell them that the overriding thing you need is to feel safe. If they make a safe environment for you, a place where you can close the door on the world, they have won.
It's not about fighting your battles for you, but about healing you afterwards.

[Vi****]

Communication I find is the key to everything. And saying the parts you want so badly to keep to you even if they don't make sense to say. The parts we want to keep to ourself is the part that is causing the anxious and once its labels it becomes something that can be worked on.

[Lu****]

I’m 50% anxious and 50% secure. The anxious always feels bigger because it’s more problematic.

I found polysecure a helpful read. Even if you are not poly it’s still a good read. The book also talks about attachment to the self, and secure self attachment and self love is reccomend as a good place to start. 💕🩷

[st****]

But also you need space. You don't overcome anxiety by smothering. You need to be met on equal terms. Yes, be there for the hug when you need it, but also be prepared to be pushed away when you don't. The amount of physical contact isn't a measure of love. It's a measure of anxiety. Be present, not pushy.
The best compliment my wife gave me was when she said she hated everyone in the world, and just wanted to be alone at home. Which meant with me.

[Mr****]

Find the root of the current anxiety and request reassurance.

Notice I didn't say "your" anxiety or "all the anxieties you feel", because both are lies: anxiety is transient, it is something that washes over you (not something you posses—if you possessed it, you could directly control it), and it is something wired to a particular thought pattern (thus, thousands of triggers).

Trust the responses, and trust the normal reaction to those responses. If you feel seen, then accept that as truth. If you instincts fire that the response was "less-than-sufficient", then say that you still need something else, even if you can't put it into words.

Two things. First: accept the response. If they are unable of unwilling to reassure you as you need, "it is the path of fools to walk a road where you must lay every brick." What they are, they are—this must be accepted. Second, accept your anxiety. It isn't a problem, it's your most ancient signal to avoid harm because you have not made peace with the acceptance of harm. Perhaps there is benefit to doing so; but honestly, it's a cursed strength that dims the light of the world in gaining. Be cool with "never quite being cool" and you'll do just fine.

[De****]

YouTube: Jimmy in Relationships, The Holistic Psychologist, The Yoga Couple Mat and Ash, Dr. Teri Olds, and Dr. Maika Steinborn... Should get the algorithm geared for other good sources

Books: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson (pivotal to understanding the dynamics) and The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Reel

Start there

[po****]

I used to have this attachment style and it worked until I had to change it and it’s been three years and I believe I have an healthy attachment now it took time but I understand your situation. The scary thing is the cycle of people we get into and it’s a real situation when over and over we fall for the detached person and how it’s a situation that we are both drawn to on both sides . All I know is that I have empathy for you and I love your understanding of yourself and I can share my experiences with you and help if you so desire but you need to choose this path instead of the one that literally is a trap that for unknown reason you are drawn to if this makes sense let’s talk

[fa****]

I have an anxious attachment style with *** of abandoment.
The best advice I have is to find a good therapist (Emphasis on GOOD. Don't settle and assume they know whats best if you don't agree with them) and engage in CBT and dialectical therapy to find the root of how and perhaps why your anxiety forms.
From there, armed with that knowledge, you are geared to catch yourself when you begin to fall into anxious thought patterns and challenege those anxieties as they form, allowing you to reassure *yourself* and accept that your anxieties are often not based in the other person or how they're treating you.