Explaining how/why you enjoy punishments or otherwise unpleasant things.

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

I've been into the kinkier side of things since I was quite young. But it's only recently I've found someone totally open to anything and willing to push boundaries. But occasionally my dom will worry or feel really bad about something he's instigated me to do. I'm perfectly happy and comfortable enough to say no or use my safe word and I do try to reassure him about this. He's quite inventive and we often end up doing something new or pushing boundaries.  He's incredibly caring and still often worries he pushes me too far or I'm genuinely distressed or unhappy. I've tried to explain to him a few times how and why I enjoy the things he inflicts on me or forces me to do. But with me discovering so much more about this lifestyle, myself and how I've been willing to go much further then I would have ever previously thought I struggle to explain it properly. 

The stuff he does or forces me to do to myself are often incredibly humiliating or involving pain. I don't enjoy them, they're uncomfortable, humiliating, painful etc.. But at the same time I like that I don't enjoy them?  Especially afterwards when it's over.  I would say I'm a masochist, I love being degraded and psychologically tormented. But I'm not like some subs who will lap it all up at the time. It fight it, argue it, complain about it, show my discomfort. Yet I still love it?? I'm not sure I'm making much sense, I can't even explain it properly to myself haha

I was just hoping someone who's been in the community longer then me could possibly help me explain this better to him. He genuinely really cares about me and doesn't want to hurt or upset me.  And I don't want to keep worrying especially as I'm enjoying what we do so much!

[Deleted Member]

A few things that might help. "Even if you cannot understand WHY something is, try to appreciate that IT IS." Some people like scat, others don't. Some like rapeplay, others don't. Some like vanilla, others don't. At the end of the day, I hate strawberries, but other people love them. I cannot truly explain why, but like all tastes; it's just a fact. I don't like strawberries, and you love degradation etc. So long as you have your safeties, it should all be okay. Perhaps, as a suggestion, you might wish to use your safeties, even if you don't need to, just to show your Dominant that you will use them if necessary. Then explain that you didn't actually want to use it, you were just reassuring him by proving that you are capable of saying when you've had enough?

[ey****]

there was another thread recently from a Male perspective entitled 'Dom guilt' and that's pretty much the kinda thing.   A lot in kink can be quite difficult in the sense that literally - most people don't want to see their partners "hurt" especially not as their hands - and so it can take a little while to get over this bump.

My wife will sometimes joke with me about how awkward I was the first time I spanked her - but - y'know, now I'll happily wield weapons sadistically.  

It just takes a lot of two way communication that you do enjoy it, it is what you want, you would tell him to stop if it really was too much.

 

Do you ever get out to munches or events, it's very easy to connect with people there in a similar boat or who've been there also?

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

4 hours ago, DanteReign said:

A few things that might help. "Even if you cannot understand WHY something is, try to appreciate that IT IS." Some people like scat, others don't. Some like rapeplay, others don't. Some like vanilla, others don't. At the end of the day, I hate strawberries, but other people love them. I cannot truly explain why, but like all tastes; it's just a fact. I don't like strawberries, and you love degradation etc. So long as you have your safeties, it should all be okay. Perhaps, as a suggestion, you might wish to use your safeties, even if you don't need to, just to show your Dominant that you will use them if necessary. Then explain that you didn't actually want to use it, you were just reassuring him by proving that you are capable of saying when you've had enough?

That all makes sense. I just wish I could explain how I hate it yet love it haha

I'll try that suggestion, then likely get punished for that too! Perfect! 😂

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

there was another thread recently from a Male perspective entitled 'Dom guilt' and that's pretty much the kinda thing.   A lot in kink can be quite difficult in the sense that literally - most people don't want to see their partners "hurt" especially not as their hands - and so it can take a little while to get over this bump.

My wife will sometimes joke with me about how awkward I was the first time I spanked her - but - y'know, now I'll happily wield weapons sadistically.  

It just takes a lot of two way communication that you do enjoy it, it is what you want, you would tell him to stop if it really was too much.

 

Do you ever get out to munches or events, it's very easy to connect with people there in a similar boat or who've been there also?

I read that thread. It very much resonated with how he feels sometimes and I discussed it with him. It's a strange thing cause he happily comes into his dom role, dishes out whatever he dishes out all of his own back and then sometimes feels really bad about it or like he's pushed me too far. I have ME, fibromyalgia and some spinal issues also so I think he worries about those things too. He's such a sweet guy bless him! But he's also a total bastard, it's great 😂

I've never been to a munch.. I'm pretty much house bound unless i have someone to take me out. I find this site pretty helpful for stuff like that 🙂

[Carnelian2]

Why do we end up appreciating that we have done things even if we were nervous about them before hand. Sometimes, this is just the satisfaction to actually have done it. This is psychological more than anything else.

I think that boundaries and limits are good as they are there to demonstrate the consensuality of the relationship and to avoid harm or abuse. 

Having said that; to mutually explore boundaries is both scary and exciting at the same time, so both parties and communication is absolutely essential as has been said already.

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

41 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

Why do we end up appreciating that we have done things even if we were nervous about them before hand. Sometimes, this is just the satisfaction to actually have done it. This is psychological more than anything else.

I think that boundaries and limits are good as they are there to demonstrate the consensuality of the relationship and to avoid harm or abuse. 

Having said that; to mutually explore boundaries is both scary and exciting at the same time, so both parties and communication is absolutely essential as has been said already.

Definitly! We talk to each other quite easily so thats good. I just struggle to put into words how I really don't like yet love being degraded, punished etc. The boundaries I thought I had have pretty much disappeared. I don't even find it scary in the bad sense, I love the excitement. 

I definitly couldn't have done half the stuff I have done if it wasn't for how he is. I trust him completely and know how much he genuinely cares about my well being. He'll do his dom thing and then give the most amazing aftercare ❤

[gainvere]

You should write a book

 

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

20 minutes ago, gainvere said:

You should write a book

 

Random response 😂🤔

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Yes it makes sense to me.....just because you'd like bad stuff dosnt mean your passive Or easy about wanting that bad-ass stuff.....you might want to feel you've REALLY been made to do whatever to get real aroused properly?!? I'd personally put up a lot of resistance because I'm some kinda pervert or kinky whatever?!? But I'm damn well not weak or lazy or push over.....I fight for myself in life But sometimes other are just stronger that ourselves!! And that I then get aroused even thou its a tad corrupt or wrong maybe ect) But I learnt this as a child that guys can be stronger or just more evil maybe) I cannot undo these experiences now.....I believe you can be a "fighter" masochist my male avatars esp are aggressive the self But would still like bad/mean man to "fight them" for control(s)!!! Its sexy/sexual to them)

[DaddiesLittleGirl]

17 minutes ago, YingYangRose said:

Yes it makes sense to me.....just because you'd like bad stuff dosnt mean your passive Or easy about wanting that bad-ass stuff.....you might want to feel you've REALLY been made to do whatever to get real aroused properly?!? I'd personally put up a lot of resistance because I'm some kinda pervert or kinky whatever?!? But I'm damn well not weak or lazy or push over.....I fight for myself in life But sometimes other are just stronger that ourselves!! And that I then get aroused even thou its a tad corrupt or wrong maybe ect) But I learnt this as a child that guys can be stronger or just more evil maybe) I cannot undo these experiences now.....I believe you can be a "fighter" masochist my male avatars esp are aggressive the self But would still like bad/mean man to "fight them" for control(s)!!! Its sexy/sexual to them)

You get it! It's also the love hate thing. I like not enjoying things.. haha  And that can be hard to explain.

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Now your talking missey.....yeah its a dualism.....I'm strong so why I love punishments?!? ERM cause I'm masochist or perv?!? I deserve be punished much/very  But maybe I'm resenting this.....ect?!? plus masters I crush on (singers in bands) I worship & adore to be dominated/even to destroy levels sometimes....But then I get "backlash reactions" I hate the master/bastard.....because its "all so horrible" perverted god should "love me more" ect Eternal wheel Love/hate/love

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Also I just realised it sounds good to me that your Master let's you eXpress your suffering(s) and discomfort(s) verbally and also  openly .....Because maybe some too strict to allow expression(s) of this kind?!? Think it'd be important to me to have this myself also)

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Bbw84.....

Also I have back problems/other health issues too so its good you could still find a good master for yourself.....even with limited mobility(s) ect

[Deleted Member]

When I first experienced impact play I was almost horrified, I met a girl on Pof and she showed me photos of what someone had done to her with comments I felt disturbing ( on fet life). Fact is I had grown up with violent circumstances and experienced sexual violence etc and in my mind what I was observing was tantamount to "wife beating". 

 

I liked this young lady though and wanted to please her. It soon dawned on me and its obvious really that the key difference is consent. To whip someone who doesn't consent and enjoy it is very different to whipping someone who wants, enjoys and requests it.  It's not always about hedonism but for your partners pleasure, I found in this aspect I wasn't a "pure Dom" or whatever as I was really submitting my preconceived objections for the enjoyment of another. 

I think I need to always have the distinction of consent and non consent in my mind when playing. I also feel that the whole dynamic of care and self restraint is also important for me too, I would feel uncomfortable if I couldn't show some kind of care for a partner during and after play. 

Since then I've been growing slowly but have found it on the whole liberating and to a degreeI can't quite explain (without psycho babble); healing. 

 

Edited January 8, 2019 by Deleted Member

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Totally agree as I was also raised-up in a brutalising environment.....

But I would consent to sadomasochistic aspects if the correct situation was opened-up for me.....

I would be somewhat wary But who wldnt of a new situation?!? Id hope it would bring me release/relief pleasure/eXpression NON of which you get in "real life" abuse because that just tends to build up stress and tension and NOT to release any of it!!! Because the controller ONLY treats you as "an object" I'd add) so there isn't ANY negotiation)s).

[RosesHaveThorns75]

*My reply was aimed@Method I'd add about consent

[Ia****]

Pure and simple,i like other to be in control when they have sex with me.To kneel at someone's feet as they decide how they wish to be pleasured is pleasure in itself.Providing im not permanently scarred or injured i love the feel of submission.Obviously i react to pain and being forced to submit to sex acts but the pleasure is mainly a mental thing.My most favourite experiences are when i wear a cock cage.

[Deleted Member]

I definitely understand the original poster. Granting a responsible sadist the entitlement to enjoy my suffereng and lack of pleasure is a right I enjoy exercising. I want tthe drama. I want to enjoy giving the gift of letting someone enjoy hurting and forcing and degrading me. I want to do my best to humiliate and degrade myself before someone and still be wanted.