Why I nearly quit before starting (Male submissive POV)

[Su****]

Disclaimer: This is mostly directed to the male submissives that aren’t quite sure what submission is about or what they need to do to get noticed. It's also just my experience.


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It's safe to say my online kink journey started off very rough.
Partially, due to my twisted idea on 'male submission' due to growing up mostly within pornography. Latex clad women in stilettos, wielding whips and serving sadistic punishment to men. Men in the media side of submission usually being portrayed as a pathetic worm who needs to be punished. Not used for satisfaction, but punished for worthlessness.
Now, that side didn't appeal to me much but I didn't really know much else. The stereotypical type that I'd grown up to see had subconsciously stuck.
I signed up to to various sites with a terrible itch that a few unsatisfying sub/sub relationships had left me with.


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Before signing up I guess I felt ashamed admitting being a submissive male... in the buildup to prior relationships I'd never mention that I'm not the type to take charge. Instead, I'd just perform very awkwardly in the bedroom when the other half is asking for me to show dominance, huh? grabbing your tit whilst licking your clit shows dominance? Squeezes tit awkwardly like a honky horn.

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Like myself, most girls I've been with in the past would usually say things that would make me think they have a somewhat dominant side. I think the harsher reality was the fact they just wanted to push my buttons to test how I'd react.

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Girl: You’ll do as you’re told.
My penis: Oh really now? Now we’re talking!
My brain: No, no, no! She’s just doing that thing all the others did, don’t believe it.
My penis ignoring brain: What will you do if I don’t do as I’m told?
Girl: Erm... nothing really. Was kinda hoping you’d put me in my place...

Almost like putting the key into a car, except this car isn't like most other cars. It can't let you ride it for hours on end and throw you around if you get rough with it. It'll just break down in embarrassment after getting into second gear.

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All of my mates would talk about showing dominance with partners. If you was into anything different to this then you’re practically a freak. Then again, maybe they too were covering up a reality!

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Creates account.
Wow... all these extremely beautiful dominant ladies that I'd be more compatible with.
It was like a dream come true.

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I could finally see most peoples true intentions. People had labels. I felt like I was at a human kink store. I'll admit I was definitely "one of those guys".

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(Writes very formal message to first lady that catches my attention.)

Nothing - No response.

Moves on. Beefs up profile a little more before continuing.

Messages next person with a well thought out message

"Nice copy and paste message"
But wait, that wasn't... never mind.

Now, I understand why many women said this.
I've since learnt that MANY people on these things copy & paste the same shit to everyone in hopes of getting some response. This rejection knocked me back however because every message I sent was different. I read every single profile & even mentioned things about it in my messages. It almost felt like everyone was against me.

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(Spends remainder of the day checking local profiles, messaging maybe a dozen or so more accounts before signing out for the day.)

(Logs back in the next day.)

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Inbox is full of very very blunt responses from Findommes, Pro Dommes and a small minority that seemed to have put little effort into messaging back.
I don't have a problem with findommes or pro dommes. I'd taken the time to read the profiles however and they never mentioned anything about financial domination.
I responded backwards and forward with these few. The 23 year old itch was
becoming almost unbearable. Hearing all of my fetishes being mentioned by the dommes in conversation? It felt like a dream come true.

Suddenly every response I was getting...

Dommes: “Before we go any further I'm going to request a tribute, some would ask for £75, £125 or even £250 to show you're truly interested and not a time waster.”

Fuck. What do I do? These seem genuinely interested and my desperation after all these years of unfulfilled relationships could come to an end if I spend some ***?

My brain wakes up just in time

Are you stupid? Why should you trust paying £150 to prove you're genuine when you have zero reasons to believe that these won't just run away with the ***?

My thought process: But I'm a pathetic male sub? of course I need to pay. Everything seems to be about ***...

Brain: Don't. Do. It.

Now I'm no idiot. However, these people REALLY know how to prey on the desperate. They know that you've not really had any chances of talking to any real Dommes yet because you're a newbie.

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What I really needed was some direction, a push in the right direction. A reality check?

(Cuts off all conversations including *** and goes back to hunting for potential partners)

Hello, sorry Ryan you're too young.
Hello, nice copy & paste.
You don't seem like a sub, you care too much about yourself.
Go to a munch. Build a reputation and then we can talk.
£100 and you'll prove you're not here to waste my time.
Buy my clips
Pay me for my attention
Ignored. Ignored. Ignored.
Do you have any experience yet? No? go to a munch first.
-Insert patronising comments about age.-
Ghosted mid conversation.
Go to a munch.
Ghosted mid conversation!
I'd consider going to an event.
GHOSTED MID CONVERSATION!
...... Do you have £75?
FUCK OFF JACKIE YOU SHIT FLICKING SCAMMER...

Sorry, where was I...

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It's safe to say I was left with an awful first impression. No one really wanted to get to know me because I was so fresh to the scene and wasn't willing to pay for attention.
It seemed that my respect would only be earned If I went to munches.
MAIN PROBLEM WITH THIS - Small rant.
I have major social anxiety and crowds scare the shit out of me. My profile has ALWAYS stated this. If I can't fit in and learn the basic ropes online I would royally embarrass myself at a munch amongst groups of very close friends that had been in the scene for so long.
I was very naive, very unwise to the scene & just all around nervous about any interaction. Growing up as a male I'd never spoke about submission amongst ANY of my ***rs. This was all very new.
Meeting one on one in a public area? No problem.
Did anyone want to give that a try? Absolutely not. In this day and age I really can’t blame them either.

I'm sure munches are great opportunities for learning, meeting people & growing a reputation. But for those that refuse to communicate with people unless they go to a few? Please try and be a little more open minded to potential reasons for not wanting to.

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Moving on...
After a while of being ghosted, ignored or asked for *** I started giving up all hope. Growing up as a male submissive (in my experience at least.) was a very isolated, shameful place. If most women know you're submissive they'd lose most interest. The popular kids at school/work/nights out were always alpha males.
My desperation had come from a lifetime of feeling misunderstood?
Never once would I intentionally disrespect women. I genuinely wanted to get into the scene. My anxiety & warped idea of male submission had my approach all twisted.

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It’s not that I wanted to be taken by anyway, I just wanted to feel accepted for once.
Living my entire life in a shell worried about not being like most other guys was though.
I never grew up watching submissive guys on normal TV, it was more the stereotypical hunk.
What I’m saying is I’d felt alienated all my life and just wanted someone to tell me I’m not a freak, this is okay.

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I actually gave in and started talking to a findomme. The itch to serve
had beaten all rational thinking. My bank account wasn't cut out for it but I wanted so badly to know what it felt like. I'd grown tired.

I lasted a few days, spent maybe £100. Felt a small amount of pleasure in giving *** over but it just didn't feel right.

I officially left the online community for 2 or 3 months. Never really had any intention of coming back.

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I got myself into another relationship in this time. Another lack lustre sex life.

It made me think about coming back again, but this time with a different mind frame.
The financial domination situation had made me realise that I longed for more than serving. I wasn't just a pathetic male submissive that needed to serve no matter what. I was a submissive male looking for his other half to potentially live a dream FLR relationship with. A normal relationship that isn't all JUST about kink, but one that could satisfy BOTH parties, sexually and mentally.

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I invested more time into my profile. Not just portraying myself as a pathetic worm willing to do anything. Instead, making it clear that I know what I want and it's not spending ***. I no longer looked like a stupid inexperienced target.

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Every now and then I'd have a scammer try it's luck "Hello slave."
Not today, Satan!

I started getting more into discussions in forums and although I'd *** a lot of people off with my lack of knowledge of the scene, I got involved with conversations.
I started writing and growing more attention.
Suddenly I started meeting great people that would tell me not everyone is after ***.

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Instead of showing my desperation in messages, I started focusing my mind to writing erotica.

Suddenly I started seeing the positive side to the online community.

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People were finally starting to see that I'm not just on here for a quick wank.
I spoke to a few women that were disgusted with the overall introduction I'd endured. Especially regarding the "Pay £75 or we're not talking" types.

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To all guys that aren't as fortunate as myself yet.
Know I once had an extremely dry inbox, not sure what submission truly was & was practically talking to myself for hours every day too.
Just ask yourself yourself a few things.

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Am I portraying myself in the right way?
Set yourselves apart from other guys in the ways that have always worked - by being courteous and friendly, well known among social circles as a nice trustworthy guy. This will get you the opportunity to meet skilled single seeking Dommes through shared friendships/networking.

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Be real, be yourself, be noticed.

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Ever since I started acting like more of a human and less of a sex obsessed creep I’ve had much more positive attention and feel so much better about myself overall.

Don't just act with your cocks. Try and get to know people. Be patient. Write, get involved in discussions, update your profile, educate yourself. Don't fall for the *** grabbing type UNLESS you're into financial domination. It'll just leave you feeling empty and even more worthless otherwise.

If you are looking to meet individuals then don’t expect miracles overnight. It could take weeks. Most likely months though. Be patient. Be involved. Be respectful. Be interesting.

Don’t take things too personally. These sites offer no prizes, if everyone disagrees with your points of views or not.

Just remember that this isn’t a dating site and is actually an online COMMUNITY.
Sure some people have met through these sites and lived happily ever after but doesn’t mean you should put all of your eggs in one basket right now.

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Trust me, if an idiot like myself can settle down on here then you definitely can too!

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Things will eventually click in place.

This is where my journey has currently progressed to. I'm loving my experience and can't wait to see what the future holds.

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Oh, one last thing.

I don’t want any findomme to think this is a person attack.
The guys that do findomme appropriately are absolutely fine. It takes a lot of hard work and thinking to do properly.
Although it’s not something I wish to partake in. I fully appreciate what you guys bring to the table. Plenty of subs love the whole financial domination side and that’s exactly what you offer for these.

This is purely a dig at those pretending to be like you just to earn a quick buck and then fuck off. The scamming types that’ll usually be found preying on desperate newcomers.

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Thanks for reading guys,
Good luck.

[kimutu72]

Very well written, I speak to guys who are subs wether they are experienced or not, a male sub is a human being and should never feel the way you did as I think it takes a very brave person male or female to admit they like that side of this life, we all have to learn somewhere. Ive been in this life style for about 10year now and im still learning. Hope you have found your play partner x

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for writing this, I can see myself in some of what you say about how you were 🙈

[Do****]

Oh wow! Thank you so much for writing that. I had. I had no idea it was that challenging for you guys. I would wholeheartedly agree that you block anyone asking for ***. A Domme gets a huge amount from a Domme:sub relationship. They do not need paying for it. Well done for sticking with it. I’m astounded you get told to go find experience or go to munches or get your name out there. You’re a person wanting to connect with another person. There’s no reason they can’t nurture you and help you develop as a sub. A relationship is worth that investment.

So sorry you make subs find it this difficult. I really wish there were more Dommes out there for you all. I get lots of switches, and Doms asking to try being a sub. They’re not the same as a real sub who just wants to go into his subspace and enjoy himself. Be true to who you are as you’re a gem for any Domme. Nothing at all to be ashamed of.

[Deleted Member]

Oh man, Submissivedreamr, you have got the nail on the head for me. This rings true on so many points.
It's hard, I've considered myself a submissive male for a few years now but didn't really understand why I felt this way until I neared 40. It's a shame that we seem to be pigeonholed as weak, not worthy or just desperate for attention (by some, not all of course). Honestly, all I want is a loving and meaningful relationship with a respectful partner who is open to this dynamic, whether that be for part time play or long term FLR remains to be seen. I guess I'll know when that connection is made. I refuse to give up hope and believe that person is out there to be found, for all of us.
Onwards and upwards!

[Su****]

1 hour ago, DommeDelight said:

Oh wow! Thank you so much for writing that. I had. I had no idea it was that challenging for you guys. I would wholeheartedly agree that you block anyone asking for ***. A Domme gets a huge amount from a Domme:sub relationship. They do not need paying for it. Well done for sticking with it. I’m astounded you get told to go find experience or go to munches or get your name out there. You’re a person wanting to connect with another person. There’s no reason they can’t nurture you and help you develop as a sub. A relationship is worth that investment.

So sorry you make subs find it this difficult. I really wish there were more Dommes out there for you all. I get lots of switches, and Doms asking to try being a sub. They’re not the same as a real sub who just wants to go into his subspace and enjoy himself. Be true to who you are as you’re a gem for any Domme. Nothing at all to be ashamed of.

Thank you so much for this amazing comment. I’m definitely only speaking from my experience.

It feels that a lot of subs that I’ve seen write in the past are the ones that put zero effort and just expect everything so it’s really hard to say how accurate this is for others.

It’s exactly as you say, there’s something so pure about reaching that subspace. I remember my very first D/s experience. All the “what ifs” in my head. Questioning whether it was just fantasy or reality but INSTANTLY going into subspace after being told to “kneel”. God, I’ll never forget that feeling. 😍

It’s great to see beautiful women like yourself that try to learn more about submissives and not just assume they know it all already. 😊 x

[Su****]

2 hours ago, kimutu72 said:

Very well written, I speak to guys who are subs wether they are experienced or not, a male sub is a human being and should never feel the way you did as I think it takes a very brave person male or female to admit they like that side of this life, we all have to learn somewhere. Ive been in this life style for about 10year now and im still learning. Hope you have found your play partner x

Sometimes it reminds me of the whole “you can’t apply for this job if you don’t already have experience, but you’re never gonna get experience because we all want experienced people” thing. 😅

Thank you for the great comment. I found a play partner after originally writing this back in 2019. Covid put an end to it and somewhat killed my drive for a few years but I’m more than happy & eager to get back out there. 😄 x

[Su****]

28 minutes ago, Bwantsmore said:

Oh man, Submissivedreamr, you have got the nail on the head for me. This rings true on so many points.
It's hard, I've considered myself a submissive male for a few years now but didn't really understand why I felt this way until I neared 40. It's a shame that we seem to be pigeonholed as weak, not worthy or just desperate for attention (by some, not all of course). Honestly, all I want is a loving and meaningful relationship with a respectful partner who is open to this dynamic, whether that be for part time play or long term FLR remains to be seen. I guess I'll know when that connection is made. I refuse to give up hope and believe that person is out there to be found, for all of us.
Onwards and upwards!

Absolutely never give that hope up man. No destination is worth reaching if there aren’t hurdles along the way and it’ll feel oh so much more bittersweet in the end.

You never know what’s around the corner in life so keep your head up and hopefully we can manifest the dream partner for you! 🙌🏻

[kimutu72]

7 minutes ago, SubmissiveDreamr said:

Sometimes it reminds me of the whole “you can’t apply for this job if you don’t already have experience, but you’re never gonna get experience because we all want experienced people” thing. 😅

Thank you for the great comment. I found a play partner after originally writing this back in 2019. Covid put an end to it and somewhat killed my drive for a few years but I’m more than happy & eager to get back out there. 😄 x

I think covid stopped everyone from doing most things. Im sure you will find your new perfect partner who will take the time to get to know you, give you want you long for and not only that for the two of you to grow together.

Theres too much of the man should take the lead all the time,

women didn burn their bras for nothing lol.

If anyone tells another person go get some experience, really arent worth your time.

I love it when I start chatting to new people and they say they

"are curious",

" no or little experience" I find them more open and want to try more.

In this world no matter how much experience we have we can all learn more.

[Fo****]

Extremely well written 👏🏻
I have to ask, are you a ticklish sub for the ladies ☺️

[Hers_always]

Hood job, good read. It all sounds very sad and lonely. I am very lucky to be owned by an enthusiastic domme.

I wish you the same. 

[Si****]

Dude your experience sounds just like mine and probably most other dudes. I mean I get responses from female subs, because im decent looking. Tbh if you want to feel good about yourself go on Grindr. I did to sell uhh “party supplies” and meet tgirls (that were passable with tits, they’re mandatory for me to be into it) nd the amount of dudes hitting on me totally boosted my ego. I always tried to let them down gently though. Don’t care if im judged for that either.

[AD****]

Feels very familiar... Good read

[Ma****]

Great read buddy! 

Now, I don’t endorse findommes because it just isn’t authentic to me. I see where they are coming from since there are lots of guys who are just fapping to messages and have zero interest in meeting irl - these people are unnecessary but you can’t do anything about it. (Usually pretty easy to spot); When it comes to your *** of meeting people irl, my advice would be to just face your ***s. On your profile it says “hobbies (I’ll try anything once) - I guess you just found a new hobby bud  When it comes to Vanilla dating, it is true that a lot of women prefer guys who are more on the “dominant” end… as a sub guy there is not much you can do about it apart from finding a girl who is more on the “dominant” side - Yup, this is a tough task, there aren’t many out there but you seem to be a guy who has a good sense of humour, you are good looking and u r reasonable. You WILL find your match, just get yourself out there, face your ***s, nothing beats reallife experience. Ofc u can get to know the person online but there is nothing that comes close to the real life experience.. It’s going to be hard for u but u will be happy that you tried it later on.  (At least I hope you will enjoy it) Always be honest in what exactly you are looking for - be authentic. Judging by ur writings you seem to be an authentic guy, you will find somebody, trust me.  

BTW not everybody on here has to be your future mistress, FLR etc etc, you can network here and make friends, too. I’ve come across some great people I don’t have an relationship with but we’re just good friends and even found a mentor. 

 

All the best mate. 

 

[Ma****]

This helped me a TON as a newbie. So tysm