Tether

April 22, 2023

Push, pull. Here and then

gone again. Captivate, pull me

closer into you and then … poof.

Vanish. Let me feel the loss, wait,

wait, until my patience wears to

a thin veneer. Until I start to wonder,

start to pull away. Start to feel

myself again. Me. Whole. In tact.

Not yours. Not beholden, spoken for.

A piece of me that's also a piece

of you. Let that slide. Let me grip

on it erode to grains of sand that slip

through my fingers. Wisps of air

that dissipate like smoke rings

from red ***ted lips. Quiet settles.

I look anew. Scroll apps. Revisit

messages. Begin to wonder whether

I should sever the ties. Be free. Be

me, once more. And then, ping.

Hello, how are you? How are you

doing? I've been thinking about you.

I breathe, feel the air reinstate my lungs.

Feel the calm that was missing, the

taste I've been craving. My attention

caught, instantly. Hopelessly. Relief,

and resentment. Where did you go?

Why did you go? You can't like me,

you can't give a fuck. I felt it, felt the

tether disintegrate, liquefy. Dissolve.

Now that it's back, how can I trust it?

I can't. Don't. Instead I bask in the echoes

of what I felt, like the ripples of an

orgasm. I can't call it back, but there

will be another. Always another. Never

anything that lasts. Just fleeting glimpses

of pleasure. But it's all right. I am ok.

Because, truly, deep down, within

the fort, behind the walls, at the core

of me, I never expected anything else.