How did you learn your role?

[ph****]

I’d like to pose, what I consider, a more important question than how did you learn about kink. I’m interested in knowing how all you fine people learned the ins and outs of being the Dom, sub, Top, and bottom that you are.

Are you self taught, ie; literature, media, research? Did you have formal training as in traditional grooming under an experienced person or, maybe, it was more informal such as trial and error with a partner? What about the way you gained your knowledge would you change?

Have your experiences changed your perspective on your role over time? How have “a-ha” moments added clarity and, maybe, forced you to rethink or reconsider positions that you may have taken for granted?

I appreciate and look forward to hearing about what I know can be a personal response. I hope that having a place where there will be so much overlap—as well as conflicting opinions—will create more “a-ha” moments and move me (and others) to rethink a thing or three.

Continuous improvement is the best improvement!

[ch****]

For me it's what turns me on being in tune with your self your partner and if it feels good it feels good 🤷

[Lo****]

It helps if you have a Stable partner to practice your craft on. Start out what you like to so( so if your a rigger do a day where you do rope work) you can get some good books of Amazon step by steps. Learn them with your partner and you slowly get better, faster and more understand of your partner. Then do your partner main kinks.

The more you play the more you gain. A good solid partner is the first key.

[Norell]

Personally, I'm not too keen on putting labels on myself and stepping into a role. I'm a mix of many things, and even if I list the labels that could be used to describe me, it wouldn't sufficiently convey who I am. The closest thing I have to a label is Primal.

But my journey of discovering my kinky side - or perhaps rather my true sexual self - started within the first year of me watching porn. I quickly managed to stumble upon some slightly kinky videos, liked it and looked for more. Then I started reading about kinky topics, but there wasn't any practical experience for many years. So I knew already before getting into my first relationship, that I might like some "unusual" things.
Then I got into my first relationship, which lasted almost 8 years and was (unfortunately) very vanilla. After ending that relationship, I had a one night stand with a quite experienced woman who asked me to put my hand on her throat. Having no experience, I was extremely careful (and coming from a vanilla sex life, I had not at all explored my dominant side), so she had to keep encouraging me to grab her harder, and I remember being so worried that I might hurt her though she kept asking for more. But at some point, I managed to grab her hard enough or the right way, and seeing the look in her eyes unlocked my kink for breath play - that mix of enjoyment with a hint of fear. I guess that's far from the best way of learning breath play... But that is how I got into it. This experience was what unlocked both my kinky and my dominant side, and afterwards, I got into a few casual relationships where I got the chance to let go of more of my inhibitions.

Then I found a new girlfriend, and we explored various implements, but we had nobody to teach us. We read, discussed and experimented.

So there hasn't been any actual mentoring for me. Studying and a lot of trial and error. And for me personally, this worked great, so the only thing I would change about my way into kink is that I would have like to get started much sooner.

[DeviantInside]

I can only answer for me. And everyone will be different and I strongly believe there isn’t a right way to do this (I would say there are wrong ways though). For me it isn’t a role, or something g that switches on or off. It is just an inherent part of my nature. I’m not loud or aggressive. I never get angry (ok a lie bit maybe once in… a very long time… it’s pointless and doesn’t help anything). I couldn’t be anything other than what I am… but I also know people that are switches (both with each other and others), submissive, and vanilla who at Iglesias to understand another role as much as I could never fulfil theirs. But that doesn’t matter. They are being their true self. And as long as they are happy and fulfilled I would always advocate that even if I personally couldn’t do or understand it.

So soapbox over: it was image for me, I have always found myself in positions of responsibility or authority. I don’t know how to be different. I’m also intrinsically curious and have a voracious appetite to learn and explore. So I did. That combined with some semblance of self security and willingness to learn and understand meant that I got accepted into some inner circles of local fetish crowds. Never felt I had anything to prove and got very lucky in the people I got to meet. There was never a question of roles but also never any agenda either way. Everyone was just allowed to be themselves without having to fit into any pre prescribed pigeon hole. As long as you were genuine and didn’t act in a detrimental way to anyone else you were accepted and encouraged to be who you are… whatever that is.

[do****]

I'm only saying this just so you can totally understand my answer. I always been intelligent, the neighborhood Doogie Hoosier at 9. So the first thing, as with anything, is know yourself. Men, women, boys and girls always followed me, wanted to do what I was doing, be where I am. I was always the leader, the consultant, etc. Once I identified this in my teens and became more sexually active and experienced, I was a natural dominant all day before I knew what a dominant or D/s lifestyle was. Then I started added things to my repertoire that I liked or wanted to try, spanking, slapping, choking, handcuffs, etc and wasn't receiving no complaints but requests for more, it was wide open then. I did not know about the LS or that there were people like me until my mid-late 20's. I honestly thought I was starting something new 😂🤣. None of my friends were doing it. They thought I was crazy on my block in the 90's choking women and it wasn't a DV situation. The stereotype was that's some crazy Caucasian shit in my hood. I didn't think that way just trying to give you a picture of the times. Then came the research and connections of like minds and the rest is history.

[Ae****]

Had prior knowledge of psychology. Read a lot of stuff on the Internet regarding kink and d/s. Further changes in perspective or deepened understanding came with further psychology study and via talking with subs.

[Je****]

If you mean how did I learn my place the answer is I’m still learning my place. And the path which took me here is one which has been thought a series of unimaginable physical and emotional pain and suffering I wouldn’t wish on any living creature. From struggling with how different I have always felt to faking who I am in order to be accepted by a vanilla world which i despise in order to exist. Than subjecting myself to unimaginable degradation and humiliation by strangers in order to find which specific parts of that I get off on only to hate myself even more for as I come to terms with this is who I am.

[ge****]

Always knew I was "different" somehow in my sexuality but never quite knew how - this was back in pre-internet days, but there are so many things going back to very early days that I can now identify were my submissive side.
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The lightbulb moment didn't come until my early 30s when chatting to a lady in an Internet chat room, who, it turned out, was a submissive - the more we talked the more the lights went on and the more I could finally identify and relate to some of those early feelings.
.
From there the journey of discovery began, I found myself reading more and more about the subject and the lifestyle and learning more about myself through it.
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There have been experiences along the way but the journey continues and I continue to learn more about both the lifestyle and myself - not always good, but then learning from mistakes is just as important as any positive reinforcement I think.

[He****]

This is now and always has been part of me, it is who I am. I knew a long a time ago I liked different things, and unfortunately that was in the days when there was no internet, so who knew there were others. So I didn't learn as such, I just am. I am sub.

[Sa****]

I was born this way. I had traits as far back as when I was young, (obviously they weren't sexual, because that doesn't grow in until later.) I've always liked having control over others; rope & 🪢 & tights are things that just feel right in my brain. Each of my kinks are just manifestations of a desire for skin on skin contact with people that I find attractive, and a need to control. No one made me this way.

[My****]

Self-taught on the beginning, trained by a dominatrix friend, studied sexology, always changing roles, developing new skills and learning from sub/dom relationships in our community.

[Setrion]

I never really knew but there were signs. When I was young I had some... usually sexual responses to a particular Schoolhouse Rock clip, which became the lifelong basis of my masturbation fantasies. Which is less weird than it sounds, but also more weird than it sounds. Never connected that to the idea of kink though, helped along by not knowing that kink existed for many years thereafter.

In highschool when I was journalling I noted that I was interested in what I phrased at the time as a girlfriend older than me (but we're talking highschool older where I mean 1-2 years), which I hadn't been able puzzle out that I meant I was looking for someone who would wield authority over me. Again, I didn't connect any dots here.

Last year I started seriously trying to date. I kept looking at dominatrix profiles, intrigued, but would turn away scared because I had only a stereotypical understanding of hardcore BDSM and I knew I didn't want that. Very recently, I was contacted by a goddess. Not knowing anything about kink, I did not recognize that she was entirely constructed of red flags (though I had my questions about if this flow was normal), and decided to play along because honestly it didn't cost me much. She immediately dropped me into a 24/7 relationship and had me delete my dating profile, and we had an exciting week-long fling where she alternated between sending me tasks and having me talk about my life. She even shared a bit about herself, rarely, including talking about her friend who died of sickle cell, which seemed real enough. Then at the end of the week she asked for a session and wanted me to buy $700 of sex toys from a vendor who, upon closer inspection, clearly did not exist. I had been scammed. In retrospect, probably my third-best relationship of all time. Yeah, it was all built on a lie, but I didn't know that at the time and I had genuinely enjoyed myself. I don't regret that.

Now I've spent the past month here and on fetlife learning about what BDSM actually is, and going back and forth between thinking that there is a side of me that belongs in this space, or maybe that my interests are more vanilla and bear only superficial similarities to the kink scene. But I can't deny that I enjoyed goddess play, and that sticks in my mind. I found a thread on here talking about the motivators for Little play and I related to it quite severely, but then whenever I talk to kinksters in person I get the impression that they're seeking something beyond merely incompatible with my desires, something wholly in another category.

Yesterday I finally found a fetlife group for "sensual D/s" which seems to more closely align to what I'm looking for. As always, the label is inexact and insufficient, but this finally feels like a starting point where I can claim belonging. People who want a relationship founded on love and connection without pain or hostility, but still with that power exchange and (in my case) femdom, or FLR, or whichever keyword is most conveniently communicative. My journey isn't over - it's really just beginning - but any process of self-discovery takes time and effort. Emotional labor is labor, and all that. I'm trying to find munches where I can stick to the softer ends and shallower waters of kink, and see how deep I decide to wade.

[Ba****]

Kinda leading with the "how did you find out about kink" question, but it makes it all make sense. I found out about it young, much younger than I should've, but I knew then I was a sub. It wasn't until later that I started to actually think more about me and who I am that I found out that I'm not just a sub, but a brat, kitten, and little. I'm self-taught. I jumped headfirst into learning all I can. I researched, watched videos, read books. I even used fanfics to find out about my own kinks, based on what excited me and what didn't. I looked into those topics/kicks specifically. I then found a Dom that wouldn't mind someone with such a awkward past of kink. He helped me learn more. Even helped me with the fact that safewords are a thing. I love learning, so whenever I see something I haven't, I have to look it up. :)

[do****]

44 minutes ago, BabyBoyNate said:

Kinda leading with the "how did you find out about kink" question, but it makes it all make sense. I found out about it young, much younger than I should've, but I knew then I was a sub. It wasn't until later that I started to actually think more about me and who I am that I found out that I'm not just a sub, but a brat, kitten, and little. I'm self-taught. I jumped headfirst into learning all I can. I researched, watched videos, read books. I even used fanfics to find out about my own kinks, based on what excited me and what didn't. I looked into those topics/kicks specifically. I then found a Dom that wouldn't mind someone with such a awkward past of kink. He helped me learn more. Even helped me with the fact that safewords are a thing. I love learning, so whenever I see something I haven't, I have to look it up. :)

The way you describe yourself I wouldn't say self-taught. I would say you identified your natural self and then learned more about your self. Self-awareness/self-assessment. But this is just my opinion and your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters

[da****]

If you find the right person you will just fall into your roll. It just kinda happens when you are comfortable 😁

[Sm****]

I found out about kink via a vorarephilia fetish when I was younger, which waned after my first few sex partners. I got into bdsm and became curious about trying roles when I heard it’s something that few men give a shot to, but that many women want, so with an open mind, I dipped my toes in more and more.

[Th****]

After being told I was a Dom by multiple subs and switches, I took the test. Then reasurched all I could. I had a switch who was like a online mentor. I loved her. Then I met My future wife/sub/little/slave who at the time had over 26 years experience. Never been collared. Said she seen a Natural Dom in Me. And allowed Me to collar her. she has taught Me so much.