Molly's BDSM for Beginners Tips: Getting Started in Kink

New to the scene? Want to know more about BDSM for beginners? Our resident BDSM advice guru Molly is here to help. She shares her top ideas for things to try out for newbies wanting to explore kink and BDSM...

Dear Molly,
Recently, a friend lent me a book that was a BDSM-themed story. Reading it has changed my life as I suddenly realized that there's a massive part of my sexual self I'm missing out on. Pretty much everything in this book turned me on, and now I want to explore some aspects of it for real. As a beginner to BDSM, I've done a little research that led me here, but I'm wondering if you have any advice for a total newbie when it comes to learning more about BDSM and fetish stuff – both online and in-person? Thanks!
A. Newbie

Dear A. Newbie,
Welcome to the world of kink, fetish, and all things BDSM – you have so much exciting stuff to discover! One of the joys of living a kinky life is always having something new to try and explore. However, you're absolutely right; as a beginner to BDSM, educating yourself is vital to ensuring you have a happy, healthy and safe kink life and relationships. Arming yourself with that knowledge is critical as you embark on your new journey. But don't worry; I'm here to help make exploring BDSM sexy and safe!

Exploring BDSM: life-long learning

There's no complete course in BDSM or kink, so it's all about building up knowledge over time to feel more confident and start having experiences that will add to it. Indeed, as someone new to BDSM you can gain an education by learning about kink before you practise it, but also in just trying things out and exploring what feels good for you.

When communicating with others about BDSM, be wary of anyone who says they know it all! That feedback loop you create through education and doing is the bedrock to a kinky lifestyle and one that will continue throughout your life. As a beginner to BDSM it may all feel a bit overwhelming, but my ideas below will help you get started and give you some BDSM things to try out.

Exploring BDSM learning in-person

There are many in-person BDSM learning opportunities for beginners; however, it depends on where you live. If you reside somewhere fairly rural, you may need to travel further afield to access in-person BDSM learning. Finding your local kinky community or one near enough for you to get to is a significant first step. Here are three in-person ideas to try:

Munches A munch is purely a social event for kinksters to hang out together at. They usually happen in a pub or bar but can be held in cafés, restaurants, or even as picnics. Munches are a brilliant way to make friends in your local kink community, so are perfect for BDSM beginners.
Fetish Fairs You may wonder why fetish fairs are on the list as you're looking for learning, not shopping, but fairs are an excellent educational resource. Firstly, the traders tend to be knowledgeable about the products and how to use them safely.

“As a beginner to BDSM, educating yourself is vital to ensuring you have a happy, healthy and safe kink life and relationships. Arming yourself with that knowledge is critical as you embark on your new journey.”

Furthermore, most fetish fairs also run workshops on all sorts of kink and BDSM-related topics, from practical issues to more emotional/relationship-based aspects.
Mentors BDSM mentors can be found both in-person and online. But be cautious; some will offer to mentor you but their reasons will not always be above board. Never set up a mentoring relationship with someone who isn't happy to disclose who they are and meet in person. But if distance makes it impossible, online video calls can work. Remember: anyone who tells you there's only one right way to be kinky or claims to know everything is one to avoid.

BDSM for beginners: online resources

In some ways, things get tricky when exploring BDSM online because the internet is awash with information – not all of it good! Sorting out what is reliable and responsible information – especially as a BDSM beginner – can be tricky, as most people like to present themselves as authorities on the subject.

BDSM beginner? Let us show you the ropes... and how to tie them!

For example, many people online will inform you that you're not a 'real submissive' if you have a safe word or don't enjoy being humiliated or whatever they have decided. They're wrong, and anyone who gives you absolutes on how to do kink, fetish, and BDSM is probably not the best person to listen to. So, here are a few better suggestions:

1. Find quality online information

A little in-person asking around can be an excellent way to find quality resources. Using online forums, such as the fetish & BDSM forums here on Fetish.com and FET are a perfect way to chat with like-minded folks and see what resources they have found helpful. BDSM beginners will find our 'New to BDSM, Kink & Fetish?' thread particularly useful – it's full of top tips and advice from more experienced kinksters.

What's more, if you're curious about kink but not sure exactly what you would like to try out, completing out BDSM test is an excellent way to reveal your full kinky personality and darkest desires! The quiz results will help you gain more clarity on whether you're more dom or sub, as well as where you lie on the spectrum with other kinks or fetishes such as bondage, *** and pet play, for example.

2. Enrol in the Fetish.com BDSM Training School

As well as exploring BDSM through other members, our BDSM Training School is an excellent resource, full of an ever-growing number of BDSM courses to suit all interests and budgets. Most importantly, the tutors that run our courses are qualified and experienced BDSM professionals that are highly respected within the kinky kingdom – something essential if you want to guarantee trust and quality.

If you're new to BDSM and kink, then our eight-part BDSM for Beginners course led by Vicky Caves of Bondatrix is an affordable and fun way to get started. Vicky's online tutorials cover all the basics to ensure your play goes smoothly and features practical demonstrations on things to try at home with your own kit, such as floggers, crops, canes and spanking paddles, etc.

Furthermore, our BDSM for Beginners course will also guide you through the emotional and less hands-on aspects around kink, such as how to introduce BDSM to your partner, building communication and trust, as well as learning about negotiation and safe words. Basically, it covers everything a BDSM newbie like you needs to know to get started and feel confident and safe when exploring BDSM!

“As well as exploring BDSM through other members, our BDSM Training School is an excellent resource, full of an ever-growing number of BDSM courses to suit all interests and budgets.”

Of course, other online resources are available outside of Fetish.com, but if you decide to choose them, please ensure the tutors at least have an online presence as a kink educator.

3. Get a BDSM education through books

It can be easy to forget about books and assume that online is the way to go, but some fab BDSM and kink non-fiction books are out there. Again, asking other kinksters for recommendations is an excellent way to find some. Still, there are plenty of guides to kinky non-fiction books online that should help you gather a list of potentials to try depending on your interest areas. So, if you enjoy reading a physical book, this is a rich exploration route.

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Exploring BDSM through trying things out

As a BDSM beginner, arming yourself with as much knowledge as possible before launching yourself into kinky play is a good idea. Understanding what might and might not work for you and what parts of BDSM you're interested in will help you find the right people to explore with, but in the end, 'doing' is also an essential part of your learning journey.

Invest time in learning as much as possible, but don't forget that you understand a lot through participating. Indeed, the best thing you can do on your kinky journey of self-discovery is to practice kink.

Hopefully, all the knowledge you'll have gathered will mean that you can practice safely and confidently as a beginner in BDSM. Ultimately, exploring and learning more about BDSM in the way that works for you is probably the most important thing.

Good luck!
Molly x

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum.

Cover Image: released from shutterstock/Cast of Thousands