Let’s talk rejection!

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

To be discarded you have to have been accepted first though - so it's not like that at all. It's even debatable in the circumstances the OP is referring to (messaging someone new for the first time) if rejection is the right word - after all they've not specifically asked for you to approach them.
.
The best thing anyone can do on sites like this is accept that if they hear nothing back from people they approach then that person is not interested, plain and simple.
.
I've never understood why people (and let's face it it is mostly men) get so wound up over not receiving a response from someone they have never interacted with previously and who are obviously not interested in interacting back.

Because man is usually the gender who face rejection way more then woman do, simply cause man is generally the one that initiate..
So as a matter of statistic number there will be more “rejected” mad then women given the nature of this circumstance..

In conclusion that’s why most frustrated man’s taking bout rejection..
Then we could argument about what rejection is, off course..

That is a point..

[AKA_Copper]

6 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

I meant more on the apps..

Real life is different off course..
Even though there is a chance to also flirt with a lot to get a few, and also, specially if you are lucky enough, get someone that you really interested in..

I talk by a side of someone that is happily engaged, in an open relationship..

So I have a plenty fulfilling sex/ bdsm life , plus I flirt around with others using apps and real life such as bars clubs etc..
And I’m happily satisfied with it.. After a very decent amount of fails and rejection I’m building again my way to it..

But I think that, since we are talking about rejection this kinda informations has to be delivered, despite I don’t have the truth in my hands..

Unless you are a top tier man, and then those rules above don’t count at all..

Quite an interesting thing to be contradicted by males and supported by woman as I see in this thread..

Love it…

You know, there's this thing where men think that they're competing with 'top tier' men. They aren't. They're competing with the peace and solitude that not dealing with this ^^ brings us.

[ey****]

6 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

Unless you are a top tier man, and then those rules above don’t count at all..

this is where I'm obviously lucky to be a top tier man  

[ge****]

8 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

Because man is usually the gender who face rejection way more then woman do, simply cause man is generally the one that initiate..
So as a matter of statistic number there will be more “rejected” mad then women given the nature of this circumstance..

In conclusion that’s why most frustrated man’s taking bout rejection..
Then we could argument about what rejection is, off course..

That is a point..

Yeah but the point is, what's the point in getting frustrated by it, especially on apps like this where most men take totally the wrong approach and blanket bomb every woman in a certain radius in the hope of getting a "bite"
.
And that's without even considering my point about messaging profiles they've never interacted with before and who owe them not a thing, and yet expecting a response.
.
It's like that old saying about insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
.
I very rarely send initial messages to profiles I've never interacted with before - and on the occasions I do I do so without any expectation of a response

[ge****]

9 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this is where I'm obviously lucky to be a top tier man  

Is a top tier man otherwise known as a rigger? 😂🤣

[Ar****]

19 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

Because man is usually the gender who face rejection way more then woman do, simply cause man is generally the one that initiate..
So as a matter of statistic number there will be more “rejected” mad then women given the nature of this circumstance..

It's a circular "debate" (cough) which comes up time and time again.

As has been said before and will doubtless be said again - if men were less indiscriminate and somewhat choosier about who they initiated with, they wouldn't get rejected "way more" would they?

[Lu****]

I would argue that the rejection or even not the out right rejection but the neglect to answer, on initial contact requires that men be less choosy but that is what makes this circular isn’t it?

So far I’ve only been in this app a few days and I’ve reached out to most of the people in my area that match with me based on interests within the app. The only ones I haven’t reached out to i either haven’t seen yet or are looking for a woman or sub. So if those 15, 2 have responded at all and only 1 attempted to maintain a conversation beyond “hey”.

All this to say, if only reached out to 3, I still wouldn’t have people to talk to. Only difference is I would wonder about the other 12.

[ey****]

43 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

Because man is usually the gender who face rejection way more then woman do, simply cause man is generally the one that initiate..
So as a matter of statistic number there will be more “rejected” mad then women given the nature of this circumstance..

this ties in to what I said - if you message 100 people then - yes, most of these are going to be rejections. Looking at a 90%+ rejection rate.  But if you reach out to fewer, targeted, over a period of time - then depending on where you draw the line on what is a rejection - this will be much lower (obviously no reply or a "not interested" is a rejection - but what about a conversation that fizzles out? Or maybe you meet for coffee but that's it? or date for 3 months?)

But I also know that a lot of women do initiate, but often again it's lower and targeted

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, LumberZach said:

So far I’ve only been in this app a few days and I’ve reached out to most of the people in my area that match with me based on interests within the app.

but kinda, you're not even given person 1 time to reply before messaging person 2 or 3.   Patience is a big issue.

And if folk see or feel that you're ***tergunning with multiple people, that's a turn off.  

there's a story I've told before where I was in a room and one lady was like, "Oh, I just had a message - this guy seems ok, I'll reply" and then another lady in the same room has a message from the same guy and so neither reply.  That someone's potential interest turned to disinterest as soon as it became apparent the person was trying out a few folk for bites, rather than *actually* being interested.  

[AKA_Copper]

35 minutes ago, LumberZach said:

I would argue that the rejection or even not the out right rejection but the neglect to answer, on initial contact requires that men be less choosy but that is what makes this circular isn’t it?

So far I’ve only been in this app a few days and I’ve reached out to most of the people in my area that match with me based on interests within the app. The only ones I haven’t reached out to i either haven’t seen yet or are looking for a woman or sub. So if those 15, 2 have responded at all and only 1 attempted to maintain a conversation beyond “hey”.

All this to say, if only reached out to 3, I still wouldn’t have people to talk to. Only difference is I would wonder about the other 12.

You've been here 10 days.
Your kinky ad has a range of 18-80yrs.
It also suggests that you want to dive right in and figure things out as you go. No hint of wanting to learn about anything kink.
You're profile indicates that you aren't single and yet no mention of an open relationship/poly/ENM.
Your limits indicate that no thought has gone into them.
I would suggest that the above may be why you've had no response.

[AKA_Copper]

Just now, CopperKnob said:

You've been here 10 days.
Your kinky ad has a range of 18-80yrs.
It also suggests that you want to dive right in and figure things out as you go. No hint of wanting to learn about anything kink.
You're profile indicates that you aren't single and yet no mention of an open relationship/poly/ENM.
Your limits indicate that no thought has gone into them.
I would suggest that the above may be why you've had no response.

The thing is, we read profiles and make decisions on whether we have the emotional capacity to respond to a profile of very little.

[Lu****]

12 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

The thing is, we read profiles and make decisions on whether we have the emotional capacity to respond to a profile of very little.

So when over half of the profiles I see only contain “ask me” how am I supposed to do as you have and be more selective? Also, reading my profile doesn’t show outside of the app experience and I agree I have done a poor job describing that here, but do you expect everyone to write their life’s novel in a bio? (I’m not trying to be sassy here I’m intending this to be a genuine question and I appreciate your responses so far.)

[AKA_Copper]

3 minutes ago, LumberZach said:

So when over half of the profiles I see only contain “ask me” how am I supposed to do as you have and be more selective? Also, reading my profile doesn’t show outside of the app experience and I agree I have done a poor job describing that here, but do you expect everyone to write their life’s novel in a bio? (I’m not trying to be sassy here I’m intending this to be a genuine question and I appreciate your responses so far.)

The half that simply have 'ask me' on their profiles are low effort. Those are the ones you skip. What on earth are you seeing in their profiles that would give you anything to message about?
No one needs to write their life story, again, what would you send in a message to start a conversation if everything's already laid out?

[Deleted Member]

56 minutes ago, LumberZach said:

So when over half of the profiles I see only contain “ask me” how am I supposed to do as you have and be more selective? Also, reading my profile doesn’t show outside of the app experience and I agree I have done a poor job describing that here, but do you expect everyone to write their life’s novel in a bio? (I’m not trying to be sassy here I’m intending this to be a genuine question and I appreciate your responses so far.)

In other words what has been said is that your cv is quite scarce..
So you have very low chances to attract and to succeed..
Woman can afford writing nothing on their bio
Not even a post, or a picture and still receive proposals..

It is just how it is,
And this is it how it works..

[Ar****]

As eyem has said, I know women who initiate too. Initiating is not just a man thing. Some women talk about their experiences in the forums. Some women have approached me. I don't respond to the ones which are low-effort or who look as though they're ***tergunning either. That is not just a woman thing.

I get wanting a connection. That's natural, that's human. I've had times in my past where I've ***tergunned - not here necessarily, but other, more questionable places 😆

In an ideal world everyone would would be more selective, meaning inboxes wouldn't get flooded and men wouldn't blame all the attention women get (psst... did you know a lot of them really don't want it? Who would have thought...) for not finding what they want, but alas it isn't an ideal world. That doesn't mean we can't aim for it and try to be better though - no change ever came about from people accepting the status quo.

[ey****]

8 hours ago, LumberZach said:

So when over half of the profiles I see only contain “ask me” how am I supposed to do as you have and be more selective?

while we often talk about men having poor profiles; women can also have poor profiles.

In both cases there can be different reasons for this.  But if you see a profile and there's pretty much *nothing* or very little for you to go off - are you even interested or just messaging them *because they're there* ?   

Cos let's pretend you send 10 messages to poor/incomplete profiles and they ALL reply - statistically, most of these are not going to be what you're looking for (or vice versa) whether you don't find them attractive, whether they're mono and your poly (or vice versa), they're looking for a sub and you're Dom (vice versa), they're kinky but not looking for D/s but you are (or vv) or any of the other vanilla compatibilities.   You're already wasting your own time.

 

[co****]

If all a woman wants is attention and to be fawned over, block her and move on. These woman are toxic. Find people that give as well as take. Life is connection is about mutual respect and experiences.

[Se****]

I have a specific request in my profile for people to include when they message me for the first time, so if they ignore it or immediately try to get me to chat off Fet, I will send the automated response. They either haven't cared enough to read my profile or haven't cared enough to include my photo request. Which means I don't care enough to respond. If they have taken time to send a personalized message that captures my attention, but not included the varification photo, I will usually respond and ask them to check out my profile. If they still don't, I just delete the message. I'm looking for real life here, and I don't want to waste my time on people who can't take the time to learn about me and if we are compatible before messaging, or don't make me feel safe.

[Deleted Member]

Nobody owes you their time and attention.

Not everyone will want to talk to you and that's fine.

What I can't stand are those that think that no means try harder. I'm glad that this site has the ability to block. It would be great if there was a block button in real life.

Edited November 24, 2024 by Deleted Member
Typo

[Th****]

I don't really mind the automated message; it lets me know plainly that they're not interested so I can just move on without any doubt as to how they feel. For me, a straight up rejection is better than having that lingering sense of doubt, at least then I never have to think about it again. 

[Deleted Member]

Any response is better than no response. “No thank you, not interested.” Is totally fine. I go a little further if we have chatted at all and say “I don’t think this is a fit for what I am looking for. Thank you for chatting. Wish you the best. Good luck out there.” I agree though, ghosting I the literal worst especially if a conversation took place at all.

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, Soarin311 said:

Any response is better than no response. “No thank you, not interested.” Is totally fine. I go a little further if we have chatted at all and say “I don’t think this is a fit for what I am looking for. Thank you for chatting. Wish you the best. Good luck out there.” I agree though, ghosting I the literal worst especially if a conversation took place at all.

Finally 👏👏. The problem I think beside an educational one is the tremendous amount of messages that woman receive compared to a man, I see that backstage everyday..

Not to disqualify what you just said or support a non answer but as the thread said differences between male and female subs are huge, not just in bdsm world but in the online dating world. Facts…

There is a biological huge difference between the genders, how we function, what and how we seek for things that no one, and I’ll add maybe fortunately, nobody will be able to flatten..
Such differences nowadays are taken as a threat instead they should be be known, listened, understood and valued not taken as a menace..

[ge****]

43 minutes ago, Soarin311 said:

Any response is better than no response. “No thank you, not interested.” Is totally fine. I go a little further if we have chatted at all and say “I don’t think this is a fit for what I am looking for. Thank you for chatting. Wish you the best. Good luck out there.” I agree though, ghosting I the literal worst especially if a conversation took place at all.

OK now let's extrapolate that a little - as the biggest source of "Any response is better than no response" and the like, seems to be from men, now put yourselves in the shoes of the lady who opens their mailbox to what can be hundreds of messages from men, the majority of which are trying their luck.
.
Typing "No thank you, not interested" and pressing send may take 20 seconds, which on it's own isn't long - but times 100 that's over 30 minutes of tediously typing the same thing.
.
Would you honestly spend 30 minutes typing the same message to each and every person that contacted you blindly? Or would you make better use of your time on the site?
.
Or look at it another way, do you reply to every email you get offering you the latest deals on pizza, double glazing etc? Same principle here.
.
And that's before even getting on to why anyone should have to respond to every blind unsolicited message they receive.

[Deleted Member]

I understand that. I don’t expect that at all from anyone. I don’t even respond to every like or message but I can tell when someone put a lot of effort into something and will acknowledge it with a note. My example was more applicable where an actual conversation has taken place. I guess my note was not as clear on that as it could have been.

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, Charlie218 said:

Finally 👏👏. The problem I think beside an educational one is the tremendous amount of messages that woman receive compared to a man, I see that backstage everyday..

Not to disqualify what you just said or support a non answer but as the thread said differences between male and female subs are huge, not just in bdsm world but in the online dating world. Facts…

There is a biological huge difference between the genders, how we function, what and how we seek for things that no one, and I’ll add maybe fortunately, nobody will be able to flatten..
Such differences nowadays are taken as a threat instead they should be be known, listened, understood and valued not taken as a menace..

Gender is not a matter of biology. It's a social construct.