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Vetting Submissives


Bl****

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Bl****
Posted
"How and what do Dominants vet submissives for ?"

The perspective of vetting is usually approached from the submissive point of view, vetting Dominant partners for the safety, respect, and proper care of the submissive.

However that leaves a significant uncharted area when it comes to vetting a potential submissive, at the heart of all is a need for open and honest communication but that can complicated by lack of self awareness or other restrictions.
Da****
Posted
Trial and error lol
Gi****
Posted
Submission. The answers in the question.
And men test women generally for loyalty.
I personally wouldn't have a play partner who lacked self awareness as I see it as violation of their innocence 😅
Da****
Posted
That’s what consideration is for, it’s a hands on approach, if you think there’s a connection you present a consideration collar which is like a working interview
Be****
Posted

If you're going to have any bond of trust with someone, you're going to have to get to know them in much the same way as any other type of relationship.

You need to learn what compatibilities/incompatibilities you have, your likes and dislikes and one way or another, you have to like each other, though some  may argue about the latter.

I think the big thing is being able to communicate what you're looking for - it's a wide field and people have different understandings and expectations.

Ca****
Posted
I know I'm extremely knew at all this but the whole vetting process should run both ways. I'm submissive to a point, especially in the beginning of things because I fear false accusations made against me. Once it's some one I fully trust I have no problem being the Dom. But I think trust has to be built from all parties evolved.
Au****
Posted
Poor communication is the biggest red flag. If you can't have a serious conversation around safewords and boundaries then there's no much we can do in a safe and consensual manner. If I ask you for boundaries I need more than one sentence in reply.

Other than that, making sure we're both independent people outside of the D/s dynamic. Maybe some people don't care about this, but for me the most rewarding D/s relationships I've had have been ones where we can relax and provide mutual comfort without the power dynamic in play. If I get the impression someone wants us to always be dominant & submissive then that's a relationship that can't move past NSA, if that.
ge****
Posted
I'd say vetting of a relative stranger is important regardless which side of the slash you/they sit - a submissive is just as capable of causing problems as a dominant is.
.
Ultimately though, again regardless of the role, it's about finding compatibility, connection, chemistry and a level of comfort with someone - through finding those things any vetting occurs naturally.
QXX666
Posted
Unless the Dom is freshly new to the bdsm world, an experienced one, knows what to look for in a potential submissive person. I can’t say personally much about vetting as all my subs were newbies expect for 2 who had a Dom previously. It never occur to me to ask some sort of trustpilot review documents, regular communications and a coffee meeting is the best way to assess a person.
It might be different with male subs…
Posted
Vetting isn't a process to take lightly, it's not something that happens in a matter of days or weeks, it's a process that occurs over a period of time, how long it takes depends on the people involved. communicate on both sides! Learn each other's likes, dislikes, personalities, distinguish any red flags,and see if we get along outside of a dynamic before a collar or dynamic is even considered, alot of times after well over a month of simply communicating back and forth, threw text, over coffee, or other in person dates, there is inevitably vanilla sex involved. Which in a sense is also a portion of the process too see if the sexual arousel is there aswell, although if its a non sexual dynamic then we omit that part. After Vetting throughly we then purpose a dynamic, discuss each persons limits and boundries that lie within it. After already establishing a connection. that is in essence the vetting process and it goes for both sides of the slash.
un****
Posted
one of the big ones for me is communication now we’re all grown here and sometimes life happens however if it takes you days to respond multiple times yeah i highly doubt its going to work out and then the other thing ids just compatibility with kinks and what i like to call the “would i like you with clothes on” test because if i can’t then this’ll never work
Bl****
Posted
3 hours ago, Aurthex said:
Poor communication is the biggest red flag. If you can't have a serious conversation around safewords and boundaries then there's no much we can do in a safe and consensual manner. If I ask you for boundaries I need more than one sentence in reply.

Other than that, making sure we're both independent people outside of the D/s dynamic. Maybe some people don't care about this, but for me the most rewarding D/s relationships I've had have been ones where we can relax and provide mutual comfort without the power dynamic in play. If I get the impression someone wants us to always be dominant & submissive then that's a relationship that can't move past NSA, if that.

This is well thought.

Bl****
Posted
3 hours ago, QXX666 said:
Unless the Dom is freshly new to the bdsm world, an experienced one, knows what to look for in a potential submissive person. I can’t say personally much about vetting as all my subs were newbies expect for 2 who had a Dom previously. It never occur to me to ask some sort of trustpilot review documents, regular communications and a coffee meeting is the best way to assess a person.
It might be different with male subs…

How does a Dom then become experienced enough in selection and consideration ? It sound like your saying that is done by having a bunch of regular coffee dates. Do you discuss safewords over latte choices?

Hu****
Posted
I would like to know some peoples Vetting process, is it just bad vibing or are there alert ringers?

Newer Dom wanting yo not fall in a hole
Ae****
Posted
Respectful, kind and enthusiastic are the first hurdles. How much effort does she put in, is she able to have a convo, is she a positive, kind person. Fall on any of those - next.

Beyond that, the rest is kinda for me to handle. I guide, teach, and figure things out that I don't know with her as a team.
do****
Posted

If we not vetting, what are we doing? Is this a John and street walker situation? Biggest red flag to get me gone. No vetting or agreeing to be vetting. Like @gemini_mansaid vetting comes naturally through finding compatibility, comfort and chemistry. Love the alliteration. Anyone with experience in any type of relationship knows asking questions come with the process. The key, make it casual, a judgement free zone, and everyone must be honest. What am I vetting for? Trust, honesty, level of submissiveness, attractiveness, intelligence, how they present themselves, hygiene, diseases, do they like what I like and vice versa, what type of dynamic am I able to give them or receive from them, i.e., NSA, LTR, STR, trainer, etc., commitment, location when we play, in/out of the bedroom dynamics or both. This list has more but I'll stop there. Moral of the story. This is serious business. Even if they are just looking for a ONS, still must vet, see medical records, etc. Unless you are the Maverick, which in that case by all means get your gambling on 🤦🏾‍♂️

DarkArts1066
Posted
One can tell a lot about a person from a conversation, be that an email, text message, or a telephone conversation.

If that conversation flows well, and the questioning is two way, with the answers being the same, then that’s a good start for me.
I don’t expect to know everything about a new sub from minute one… but they should be willing to provide at least some general information about themselves, without being over cautious.
Lately I have had far too many chats start with three words - and continue like that…… I’m afraid that doesn’t work for me at all. I say that these ‘chats’ started like that - because it has been the subs who have contacted me.

I am never invasive, never over-question … but you do expect to develop a flow … a conscious exchange.

A lack of knowledge or experience is not off putting … it is quite often a good basis for a starting point - and a thirst for information, or having someone ask for my perspective or understanding on something is positive.

The phrase ‘due diligence’ - which people throw around all the time these days really grips my sh*t.
As if searching for someone online actually tells you anything about the real them at all.

No. It doesn’t.

I prefer to rely on my instincts, have a phone chat, a video chat, then meet in real life for a non play date (coffee or lunch) and form a reasoned opinion of them like that.

Finally, respect is a two way street.
I am always respectful with everyone, new or old.
I expect the same courtesy back.
If it’s not offered, that is a deal breaker right there.
co****
Posted
Simple: (1) Does the submissive take the initiative to keep communication flowing with enthusiasm? (2) Does their self-stipulated role match when pressed? (3) Written red flags (I hate that term) in their bio (e.g. "I'm new... I'd like to engage in cnc uwu") - may as well collect you, "go straight to jail card". (4) Can they effectively communicate in both a normal and x-rated way (and lubricate the transitions). (5) Does the prospective sub hold you up against past Dom/mes (both good and bad experiences) and project that onto you?
4R****
Posted

It worries me that the OP believes that vetting is mainly one-way. No it really isn’t. Whilst in the UK, the term “vetting” is more synonymous with the DBS and other checks that are done when applying for a job, it essentially means getting to know the other person and assessing whether they are someone who you can trust and whether they appear to be a good fit. 
 

I wrote a doc a few years ago based on the things I look for when vetting which you might find useful, I’ll post the link separately.

Essentially when I’m vetting I look to see if the person I s friendly and approachable, makes an effort, is honest and upfront, can communicate, takes care of themself, respects time (both their time and mine), educates themself, has a thirst for knowledge and is willing to grow, knows their limits (or more importantly doesn’t claim to have “none”), has realistic expectations and doesn’t expect me to play to extreme the first time we play (it’s scary how often I’m asked for this), shows loyalty, shows restraint (in other words is willing to go with the flow and grow together at a steady pace rather than wanting to rush and have it all right now), is in control of themself (as much as any of us can be but primarily that their life is not falling apart and they are not hitching themselves to me to “fix it/them”). Most importantly I’m looking out to ensure that playing with this person is not ultimately going to land me in jail, and so I’m constantly looking for ‘Red Flags’ throughout the first few weeks of getting to know them.

This doesn’t mean I have a checklist or that I expect someone to tick every box straight away but those are ultimately the qualities I look for.

As someone said earlier, getting out and meeting them for a coffee is the most effective way to establish a connection and build rapport and feel a person’s vibe, so I like to do that within the first few weeks where possible when talking to someone new (regardless of whether they are a potential sub). As an unapologetic coffee whore I’m happy to use any excuse 😊😊

 

4R****
Posted

www.fetish.com/topic/32123-what-makes-a-good-sub-one-dom’s-perspective/ 

im****
Posted
In my experience, “vetting” is a two way street. I have clear things I look for and red flags I watch out for. Interestingly enough, a red flag for me is if a potential Dom clearly isn’t also “vetting” me in the process.
  • 3 weeks later...
Posted
Interesting 👀 all these comments definitely opened my eyes 😊
Posted
As a sub, I would suggest for Doms to vet about the same way. Not so much for safety (although that is still important), but more so to make sure they're a sub you'd want to Dom.
Things like, if they're in a sub frenzy or if they're looking to engage in kink that is a hard limit for you.
Example; you don't want anything to do with blood, but a sub hasn't put that as one of their kinks. You'd ask if there are any kinks they haven't put in their profile that might be a limit for you.
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