Threesome and jealousy

[Gunnsa]

So this is not exactly BDSM related but I didn't find a fitting place for it, sorry 'bout that.

My question is if anyone here has who is a majorly jealous person has also had a threesome and would be willing to share how it went (either here or through PMs). I'm in a very loving and committed relationship with major BDSM elements, and we both really want to have threesomes (MMF and MFF). My issue is that I know I get very possessive and jealous, which is why I've never tried to bring other people into my sexlife.

But for the first time of my adult life I'm in a mature and communicative relationship and I'm thinking it might actually work out to have another girl or guy join us.

Any thoughts? :)

[Deleted Member]

Don't do it.

[Deleted Member]

Don't do it! If you get jealous it just doesn't work out AT ALL!

[Deleted Member]

it never works if there is a green eyed monster lurking under the skin

[Mec74]

Maybe for your first time have anther guy join you as that way you are the centre of attention and that is a real turn on.

[Ra****]

I'm a bit like you... I'm possessive when my love for someone grows.. I don't really tolerate it when someone is considering other people and isn't open and honest about it even in the beginning. Communication is everything to me. But at the same time I have loads of fantasies of threesomes and even an orgy of four - it being 2 heterosexual couples. I think that way my possessiveness would not come out as much. Especially if the girl was someone I found seriously attractive and with whom I could have a bit of chemistry too. However I am aware that this fantasies might not be very realistic in the sense that the guys are both very possessive of their own partners and just having fun with the other girl which is probably not the point of an orgy or threesome for a guy. If you want to try that I would say follow your instructions. If you guys ever come across someone that you think might be suitable then you can discuss that. Just be aware that this could have serious consequences to your relationship and that it doesn't make sense for your partner if he doesn't fancy the other girl - you cannot be jealous of something that you are consensually apart of - so you will need to really be sure if you can do that or if you are willing to face the consequences of your experimentation... it all depends on your relationship, your communication and your ability to adapt to a different dynamic...

[Deleted Member]

From someone who moved from monogamy to polygamy, let me tell you a little something about jealousy and then you can go ahead and decide if it’s really that much of a scary emotion. Your boss massively favours your ***rs at work and never recognises your efforts - you’ll feel jealousy. Do you quit the job? Do you have an emotional outburst at your boss? Of course not, that would be unprofessional and destructive. So you process it and move on with some different ideas perhaps. Your parents shower your siblings in compliments on their career, their choice of partner - their bratty ***! But they don’t seem to appreciate you and all your wonders and creativity. You’re probably going to feel jealousy. Do you scold your mum at a family get together? Do you go up to your nieces and nephews and tell them they are bratty little shits? Of course not, that would be unfair and irrational. So you get your head out of your arse and manage your feelings like a grown up. It’s just a feeling. Not an end result. However, we have been told and actively encouraged to act on jealousy when in relationships. Like it’s justifiable to act like an emotional and guttural moron without a brain because the word ‘jealousy’ gives you some kind of pass? The only reason is feels so alien is because it’s a scary habit to break. But if you really want something like a polygamous relationship or a tbreesome in this case - of course it can be achieved but you’ll need to first work on your mindset and decide for yourself what is wrong or right - don’t decide based on Hollywood, common opinion or societal values - that’s easy. Decide for yourself whether you want ownership or a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with the advice below of ‘if you’re going to be jealous, don’t do it, not worth it’ but I just wanted to shed some light on the other options you have. But like everything in life, if you want something - it requires a little hard work first. So whatever you decide to do - don’t rush.

[Deleted Member]

I disagree with Sophie. If my boss did that, I'd quit, and go for compensation. And constructive dismissal. I have blocked my mother for doing those things. 

Follow the advice from the post before SophieSub.

[Deleted Member]

I’m sure she can decide for herself. You’re allowed to disagree with me and you’re allowed to quit your job. Some of us aren’t quitters.

[Deleted Member]

You seems emotionally ready for it and that’s a good step. Best option would be to start with your favourite fantasy, so is it with a girl or a man? 

The approach need to be like a contract type with little emotion as possible. If it’s your choice to have a threesome the scene need to start with you and the 3 person while your partner direct the session, then gradually get into action himself. He need to watch you and read your reaction. 

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, SophieSub190 said:

I’m sure she can decide for herself. You’re allowed to disagree with me and you’re allowed to quit your job. Some of us aren’t quitters.

I was just offering advice as she asked. People aren't quitters for not accepting bullying. I'm not a submissive in my day to day life, so don't put up with that shit. Nothing wrong with having self respect.

[ey****]

Jealousy can be destructive and it's not something that can be simplified as some comments above confirm.

It's also a case that just because you feel a certain way, doesn't mean you're not right to.

So.  

You have a threesome and it's a great time, nothing to worry about.  But, perhaps.... you are concerned your partner likes the other person more.  Perhaps they DO prefer the other person.  Maybe YOU prefer the other person.  Maybe you become not enough, maybe they become not enough.   Or, maybe you just all have fun.

There's also the feelings of the third person to consider - what they get out of it and how they feel later.

It's important not to overthink the process because that's also destructive.  But, if you have any concerns, discuss them with your partner before and after.  If there are any insecurities or jealousy then this is something you can work through.  Via behaviours or reassurances.

But, also to work through yourself.  I found jealousy to be a destructive part in a relationship I was in - and it's important to try to address what of your needs you can work through yourself and what you need help from your partner on.

-

Just to sum up some of the analogies.  Now, I did quit my job because I was being overlooked and not feeling valued - I got another job where I've received 2 good payrises in 2 years and feel very valued; while some people who stayed at the old company have the same problems I had.   But, for perspective, some are happy to stay because of the general security and safety net.   It's very much an individual thing.

If a (nearly) 4 grand payrise and increased job satisfaction makes me a quitter than so be it  it wasn't going to get better by staying.

 

[Deleted Member]

DaddysKitte-2968. I was offering advice too to which you suggested I should be ignored? Just shining light on another option dude, I don’t know why it’s hit such a nerve. Not a matter of self respect, I am far from submissive in my day to day life too. Like I said, we don’t have to agree but you can stop trolling me now, you’ve made your point.

[Deleted Member]

Also my analogy of quitting a job where you experience jealousy one time has massively been confused and ran with. I’m not suggesting anyone stay in a shitty job or in a shitty relationship, in saying experiencing jealousy one time is any situation doesn’t mean you need to call that entire situation off - jealousy is just another feeling you can manage, should you choose to. That’s it. Just my advice. I’m not here to be corrected by anyone FYI. And suggesting that because one isn’t submissive by nature has some correlation with having self respect is hugely offensive. 

Edited June 10, 2019 by Deleted Member
Got overly heated at the end. No need :)

[Deleted Member]

I think you two should stop right now, the subject is threesome and potential jealousy not quitting jobs and self respect. 

don't hijacked someone post thats part of respect too

[Deleted Member]

Omg I'd stopped! Tell it to the thing accusing me of trolling for not agreeing with her on a post. I need an eye roll option ffs.

[Deleted Member]

Apologies for accidental ***. Just everything I said was becoming twisted. As ever - hope the post was at least a little helpful to the original poster. And yet, I’m a ‘thing’ 🙄

[RhinoandGinger]

Can you separate sex from love/relationships? If not, don't do it.

[Deleted Member]

Good morning. Great topic for discussion! So let's ask the question about what is jealousy? Jealousy can be deemed as a emotion but in my eyes jealousy is not and emotion but actually a energy that is vented in a negative way. The negative energy is created when someone experiances ***. This *** is generated by the *** of 'loss' or being 'replaced' that when your partner is becoming intimate with another person a is deemed as a natural response, to think that your lover or mate will decide that you are no longer needed and will be replaced by that new person. This is where communication and consent is crucial. Before engaging in sharing, set some boundaries and rules to what is and what is not OK. Have some secret words that you can keep saying during the session so that you are both aware that each other feels safe and OK with what is occurring. Call a saftey word to slow the session down if needed and just take the first time slow. If you don't feel ok with kissing then don't. If you don't like the idea of your partner performing oral then don't. Also remember that things will go wrong and that is OK too. Have some compassion and reflect on it after the session (If it's not too much). Also discuss how you want it to end. Do you still want to hang out after the session or leave after. And always carry out the important debrief after the session to discuss every detail. What worked, what didn't, how you felt, etc. When you feel secure and are communicating correctly the energy that is felt when sharing someone you love is incredible and estatic. Taking that energy that was once used to create a jealousy mind is now used to create a new sexual energy of love and togetherness that will end up bringing you closer. There is such a thing called 'Sperm competition' which is the competitive process between spermatozoa of two or more different males to fertilize the same egg during sexual reproduction. Competition can occur when females have multiple potential mating partners. And this probably the energy that is felt. I would take some time to look this up if you get the chance. I am also happy to talk more about how you can turn the negative jealously energy into a beautiful sexual energy that can be shared and adored. xX Master Lib Xx 

Edited June 16, 2019 by Deleted Member

[Gunnsa]

Thanks everyone for amazing replies! Especially Master Lib for a very thought out and educational input, I'll probably be contacting you later for more advice.

You've all given me a lot to think about and reflect on