My boyfriend accidentally went too far choking me, how do we move forward?

[Noaatje]

Hi everyone!

I'm looking for some advice. Yesterday we had a bit of an incident. He was (blood)choking me while I pleasured myself. Love the orgasms coming from that. I asked for him to be more rough, he then moved on top of me and placed both hands around my neck. I actually found it real turn on, him doing that. But he got a bit too rough there and I passed out before I could say the safe word. It took around a minute for me to come back on earth again.  I didn't realise what happened atm. He took care of me very well after, apologised like 5377098 times and he was very shocked. Even though my head was foggy all day, we had a good talk about it. He promised to be more careful, to only limit blood flow next time and to not completely block my airway by using both hands and pushing down. Before doing this again he'll also freshen up his knowledge on how to choke as safe as possible. But even though we talked it trough I still don't feel completely at ease around him atm. Any chance someone here has a had a similar experience and can give me some advice on how to deal with this mentally?

[NJ****]

You’re not kids and Your parents aren’t gonna look after you. Grow up! Safety is the first thing at any point of time.

[Je****]

@FETMOD-BD8

[sh****]

Been there, accidents happen. If he's truly sorry, and you guys learn from it, move on. It might take time, and it's understandable.

[KinkPassion]

Don't do it roughly again I'd suggest. But honestly your bf should be more cautious...

[Deleted Member]

You should look at it as you've learned what is too much now, you know what crosses the line, he knows now the level he went to, the way he done it, was too much. You've both learned the limit that you can go to together, you do sometimes have to learn what is too much, so you understand what is enough.

I would suggest though using a more physical signal rather than a verbal one. Use hand tapping, say on his arm or you can hold something in your hand like a set of keys so if you do start losing consciousness they fall out your hand.

[Deleted Member]

This is an issue for both parties. You asked for more and got and he didn’t do it safely. Other commenters that are being ducks about it should shut up. She’s here seeking advice and help. Not to be bashed. Something went wrong and her trust for her safety was compromised. My advice: keep communicating. Maybe set the choking aside for a bit and find a more safe release. Him doing more research is good. And for you maybe a signal instead of a safe word. I’ve never experienced what happened to you but I can empathize with you and dealing with it mentally.

[FETMOD-BD]

Oh dear - looks like the POINTy stick will be coming out if certain people can't play nicely!

[Ch****]

If that happened, I wouldn't do it again. Not the safest thing to be doing because of how easy it can go wrong. If this was done without consent it's even more dangerous 

[do****]

If he is as remorseful as you say he is, imo you can get through this with more communication. Speaking from experience of going too hard during impact play, after the same as yourself, she requested more, we got through it. Because everyone more is different, your little might be someone else's lot and vice versa. Like I said, if he is that remorseful, and an empath like me, he's beating himself up mentally more than you can do imo. This is a live and learn community, with the most important part being the learning. Imo I believe you both learned that the safety aspect needs to be improved because that could of been fatal. Thankfully it wasn't

[do****]

2 minutes ago, doubletrouble129 said:

If he is as remorseful as you say he is, imo you can get through this with more communication. Speaking from experience of going too hard during impact play, after the same as yourself, she requested more, we got through it. Because everyone more is different, your little might be someone else's lot and vice versa. Like I said, if he is that remorseful, and an empath like me, he's beating himself up mentally more than you can do imo. This is a live and learn community, with the most important part being the learning. Imo I believe you both learned that the safety aspect needs to be improved because that could of been fatal. Thankfully it wasn't

For clarity, I did not know I went too far until the debriefing during aftercare

[Deleted Member]

Sounds like you’re both doing everything right as is. You mutually pushed too far, lessons were learned and the action items were correct. Ease back into it. Recognize that it will also be difficult for him to feel comfortable giving you what you do want, so you’ll both need to keep communication up.

[Tu****]

There's a reason I can't, and won't choke. Remember that your body is in flight or fight after that, and it's avoiding the perceived/known danger. With me because of past experiences no one can touch my neck without a violent response, and because of that I won't choke anyone either

[TheKinkyViking]

Sounds like you both had an unfortunate incident. However, you are both going about it in the right way in my opinion. It's completely understandable that you still feel uneasy but that's on him to make you feel safe and earn your full trust again. The silver lining is that you both now know where the boundary is and it's paramount that this boundary is never crossed to avoid this reoccurring. Wish you both all the best.

[Deleted Member]

An addendum - if breath play is a favorite of yours normally, I’d really recommend a couple sessions building it back up. With an emphasis on very slowly building and a lot of check ins. You’ll both be able to slowly inch up to your limits and know them more mutually. But more than anything, it can help build trust and reinforce that A) You both want this and B) He knows how far to take it, even if you ask for more. Something deliberate to break the ice so it’s not in your heads.

[Cu****]

In my honest opinion, you’ve both just gone too far, he for choking and not realising when to stop and you for asking him to push it more. He has apologised profusely for his part in it and although it’s understandable to be uneasy, it’s clearly just unfortunate in doing something you both were willing to do. As far as moving forward goes, move away from the breath play for a while, certainly until you feel less uneasy about things. It sounds to me like you both have a good relationship and an understanding where you’re able to talk things through. Concentrate on the things that are going to bring you closer and put this episode down to experience and a lesson learned for both of you.

[ar****]

This brings to mind a previous topic about passing out. Your situation seems less of a red flag one than theirs (you trust your bf, right?). But in case you're interested in reading that for advice, you go to Search>Browse>Search for username "Babe23", view her profile and then click the "Posts" tab. Maybe there's some pointers for you to find there.

[ma****]

Breath Play is while very enjoyable it’s also something that needs to be done after a lot of research and education cause if it’s not done right it could turn worse than just passing out.

[Am****]

Choking down wrong can easily result in brain damage or death.

Choking is a very dangerous kink and one that is not really respected.
Always count when choking someone 7-10 seconds as a max, but watch their reactions, the first sign of a loss in consciousness means you stop.
It is quite literally a few seconds from the recipient losing consciousness to permanent brain damage.

[DeviantInside]

As some people have said here there is… I hesitate to say fault… but misunderstanding/nativity/getting caught up in the moment etc on both sides. Much as you currently may not feel you can trust him not to take things a step too far he may also be feeing he cannot trust your responses in the moment (not saying for certain but it may be the case). Both of these responses are understandable and reasonable. So how do you move forward? Only you can really answer that. What would make you trust him again? Is it seeing his commitment to learning and being in control? Is it doing other things that let you know he can stay in control when you play? Is it building up to things again? Is it time to talk and review? What is it that would show you what you need? It already sounds like he is committed to doing that, it also sounds like this wasn’t done intentionally but from a want to give you what you want. Again only the two of you know the truth of that. I would always generally advocate that renegotiating during play isn’t a good thing and that if you have pre agreed limits not to change them (no matter what is said in the moment) until you have discussed it out of play.

[Deleted Member]

45 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

It is quite literally a few seconds from the recipient losing consciousness to permanent brain damage.

That's simply not true.

Cell damage can occur if the brain is completely starved of oxygen for 1 - 2 minutes but it takes 3 - 5 minutes of oxygen deprivation before brain cells actually begin to die & permanent brain damage is caused, known as an anoxic brain injury. 

[DeviantInside]

Also as a general point; if you are doing something where a safe word may not be possible (choking, gags, hoods, face sitting etc) it may be good practice to have a “safe word” that isn’t verbal (as said above. While a double tap (like in some martial arts) could suffice, I tend to think holding something like keys or a bell that will make a discernible sound if dropped is a better/safer option.

[Cp****]

If a blood choke is done properly you will not have time to say a word before its to lat it only take about 4 to 5 sec for you to pass out i find that if i hold for Paul's the hold it for 2 let off for 1 and just keep that going she doesn't passout hope this helps

[Am****]

If you u trust him you trust him. It’s hard hard area I almost did this to a woman by accident. I never checked her very hard again. I was super scared and shocked that she almost past out. Same thing she never used her safe word which she had befor and we practice her saying it many times. You just need to build back that trust. Also if he your man he would be willing to talk about the what happened. Talk it through be honest with him

[QXX666]

9 hours ago, BrumDomSir said:

That's simply not true.

Cell damage can occur if the brain is completely starved of oxygen for 1 - 2 minutes but it takes 3 - 5 minutes of oxygen deprivation before brain cells actually begin to die & permanent brain damage is caused, known as an anoxic brain injury. 

While you are right about the timing, it’s important to not forgetting underlying potential issues like blood clot, cardiac arrhythmia and as she mentioned psychological trauma due to the incident. 

When doing this kind of play it’s always wise to assess fully the health condition of the bottom/sub. For some, few seconds could be fatal. 

The concern there is that she felt fuzzy next day. Would be worth checking with a doctor, better be careful than collapse one day for no reason.