Advice for a new couple trying BDSM (both subs, trying to be switches)

[ZzackTayl]

Hey there!


So the partner and I have recently shared a similar interest in subspace and we're trying work out a dynamic but failing. Would love any advice or just for you to call out what we might be doing wrong. 

For context: My partner is into bondage and impact play, whereas I'm into humiliation, sadism, service and chastity. 

I'm more easily able to switch into a dominate mindset as I get a little rush but it definitely feels like acting. My wife constantly says "i'm not a dom" but insists on saying she wants to keep trying because she knows how much it turns me on, so I try not to push her.

All of that said, here is our dynamic: 

We're both trying to sub and dom essentially... We both have rules to follow, and it's always my job to initiate all her scenes/sex (something she hates doing and that I hate doing all the time.. but as long as she feels like a dom, i'm okay with it). Once her session is over (length depends on how bad she's been), she has the 'option' to initiate a scene with me or not (she's in charge of how that happens and if it happens).

My rules consist of doing all the chores around the house, all the cooking, and doing anything else she might ask of me.

Her rules consist of trying to get her used to doming 1) not allowed to asking for my opinion or negotiate basic things (she needs to tell me what she wants or instruct me to decide), 2) she needs to randomly make me do something that's selfish on her part or fucked up, 3) She can't say thanks or sorry. 4) she has to maintain control of my orgasms (chastity)

Here's the problem: She's not a dom and her idea of making me do something 'fucked up' is going to get her a starbucks. She really can't talk dirty and unless I feed her information, she doesn't know what to do, and I don't like knowing everything that's in her toolbox. It's boring. As her 'slave' I feel I should still get a 'good job' or some indication that my work is being recognized when i'm putting in hours of work each day and her behavior is essentially the same as always. When she does initiate a scene, she will try some new things, which I give her credit for, but they're always small and she's very hesitant. They're still the most fun i've had, as it's closer to what I want than anything else we do, so things are improving, but I can't help but feel I'm leaning in 100% and she's leaning in 10%.

Is it just that we're both trying to dom and sub at the same time?

[Deleted Member]

Been there. Divorced now. You can’t force a sub to Dom. Just making her resent you.

[ge****]

I think there's a number of things you might want to look at here - firstly and most obviously is you're both "trying" to be dominant when you are both inherently submissive - and that essentially is the crux of the problem, because domination is not something everyone can "do" and does become like acting out a role rather than being a natural and instinctive thing.
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Add to that that in acting out that role you're having to think of things to *be* dominant and may not be comfortable in that role, and it's no surprise that it doesn't appear to be working.
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Perhaps you need to accept that the D/s angle isn't going to form part of your lives - but that doesn't mean the things you enjoy can't be part of it - they can still be enjoyed on a mutual and equal playing field without the D/s - as an example you could offer to tie her up and engage in impact play without doing it from a position of dominance, but one of mutual pleasure.
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The other alternative is to find a dominant (or perhaps a couple who are dominant) to bring into the equation for you both - and perhaps who can instruct each of you to carry out dominant acts on the other, as well as being in control themselves of course - but that may depend how comfortable you both are with adding a third or fourth person to the equation.

[Hermetic]

You may be on the right track. You just have to get your headspace right. As the only semi-natural Dom it is going to be on you to make it work.

Here is the important question; Does she like acting or roleplaying outside the bedroom?

If so then you are in business. Explain to her that in the bedroom this is a role you, as her master/Dom, require her to play. Outside the bedroom she has a weekly task to read books or watch porn and come up with, say, 3 new ideas. You can help her by sending her the first material she can work with.

Protip; Unless she is bi or into reverse cuckolding, never send her videos or pictures featuring a woman younger or prettier or thinner than she is.

Remind her that doing this for you is special, and that it makes you proud of her.

You will probably need to reinforce your pimp hand with her for awhile first. Make her feel that the Dom/sub dynamic between you is real, and that you mean what you say when you are giving her outside the bedroom commands.

As for being a Dom yourself, that one is much easier and more natural. Being a Dom is not about you. It never is. Being a Dom is really being the servicer/performer in the relationship. By topping for her you are servicing her Subbu needs. That is what you want to do as a submissive right? Honestly no dom is a good Dom unless they believe that deep down.

[MisstressStorm]

Just a word of warning…. Becareful what you wish for, you might not like the results. I had a D/s relationship in my first year of being a Dominant. My partner wanted to experience FemDom , mainly based on his porn addiction. I started to live in my Domina skin and found my verve and Storm flourished. He became less and less submissive and I uncollared him. He wanted to return to the Kink state we started with ( essentially he just wanted Kinky Willow) and resented Storm…. A Frankenstein of his own making so to speak. I refused to cage Storm because he built the dynamic on shifting sands not evolution of our joint experiences. Best of luck ⛈

[BrattySweetheart]

I think that exploring new kink is essentially about two things: 1) patience, and 2) finding something in that kink that excites you.

If you're constantly evaluating how much she's trying, it creates a massive amount of pressure on a person who's already doing something that feels against her nature to do because she wants you to be happy. It's completely understandable and valid that you feel dissatisfied, but also try to remember that this is a person going outside of her comfort zone as much as she knows how to because she loves you. Be gentle, it's a difficult process.

Instead, what is really going to make a difference is finding the right mindset with her. Maybe she understands domming only as someone who cracks a whip and says mean things, but there are many ways of viewing dominance. I really liked Hermetic's point that being dominant is really about giving pleasure. Perhaps that appeals to her. It could also be that she doesn't like degrading you but enjoys being a motherly dominant. In that case, you might have to compromise temporarily, while she figures out which way works for her.

And definitely work together. No one should be alone in that journey. If you're burning yourself out on frustration and trying to help her, there are also alternatives to figuring this out or meeting your needs. Seeing a sexologist, going to a kink/swinger club for inspiration/swinging etc.

Good luck, I hope it all works out!

[Deleted Member]

I feel like their are multiple things to dig into here.

1. You all are going from 0 to 60. You are hoping straight into 24/7 dynamics with daily rules and such. That kind of dynamic is usually eased into.

2. Your both being Dom and sub all day because your set up has constant rules. I think that could be confusing. Sub space and Dom space are headspace. How can you hold both in your head at the same time.

3. Some of us are inherently submissive, some dominate, and some can be switches. No matter which part some one is, it should be enjoyable. That kind mean that you are all in or that feel like you are “acting” in a role that doesn’t feel quite like you, but is still fun. No one should ever force themselves into a role like this they hate doing. That will just lead to a bad experience for both parties.

As such, maybe a backtrack is on order. Maybe keep the D/s dynamics to one scene a week. One week your dominate the next she is. You both commit to telling the other what you are into as a sub and the Dom of a scene commits planning out the scene (looking up ideas if helpful). If you all get into a grove with that you can make it more frequent.

If after time, however, you find that one or both of you hates being dominant you have to regroup. Maybe that means bringing someone else into play? Heck, I’m sure someone would be happy to Dom you both. Maybe that means the D/s dynamic just doesn’t work in your relationship.

The biggest piece of advice is communicate, take your time, and never force this dynamic.