MasterDarcy1979 Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 It's ***, manipulation and he sounds to me like he suffers from narcissist personality disorder. Firstly, kudos for calling him out on his toxic behaviour. Yes, it's been 18 years, but it's better late than never. Because it sounds like he suffers from NPD he'll pour on honey. Be super nice and try to convince you that this is the turning point and this is the way it'll be going forward. It won't be. He'll revert back to Mr Hyde when things are patched. The man doesn't respect you. Telling you that he'll get it elsewhere. *rolls eyes* Yeah. And the "elsewhere" usually takes cash. Is there kids involved? That could make things a wee bit more sticky.
Th**** Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 (edited) @FatefulDestiny I'm in a very similar place with the general emotional *** and manipulation. Mine is too spineless to try a threat such as the one yours did, especially at this point as I think that if he made any sort of threat of going elsewhere or leaving entirely* he knows, subconsciously at least, that I would 100% immediately tell him to go then. *This is something he did used to do, but not in regards to sex it was with nearly any conflict. May I send you a DM? I'd like to offer support and solidarity. Edited October 19, 2023 by ThaliaVirago
ar**** Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 Just to be devil's advocate, could it also be the guy's inability to eloquently put his wants and needs forward in a respectable manner? That it isn't his intention to "threaten" you, but instead he raises the possibility that he can't control himself going elsewhere when his wants are not met. It may not be his intention to blame you, saying "it's your fault if that happens", but instead warn you that he "doesn't know what might happen if the situation isn't resolved, and he doesn't know how it can be resolved, outside of him finding someone else". . Regardless, the fact remains that he comes across as rather self-serving and disrespectful, even unempathetic. It makes total sense for you to be put off by his unkind manner, and without open communication from both sides (i.e. his, you've made your case clear) working towards a resolution, you should totally stick with your notion that you deserve better.
Th**** Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 37 minutes ago, arnhem961 said: Just to be devil's advocate, could it also be the guy's inability to eloquently put his wants and needs forward in a respectable manner? That it isn't his intention to "threaten" you, but instead he raises the possibility that he can't control himself going elsewhere when his wants are not met. It may not be his intention to blame you, saying "it's your fault if that happens", but instead warn you that he "doesn't know what might happen if the situation isn't resolved, and he doesn't know how it can be resolved, outside of him finding someone else". . Regardless, the fact remains that he comes across as rather self-serving and disrespectful, even unempathetic. It makes total sense for you to be put off by his unkind manner, and without open communication from both sides (i.e. his, you've made your case clear) working towards a resolution, you should totally stick with your notion that you deserve better. Nope. This devil doesn't need an advocate. He's a grown ass man and this shit is ***. Making threats to get what you want instead of caring about your partner's feelings and needs and wanting to work *together* for solutions is not ok. At all.
CopperKnob Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 4 hours ago, arnhem961 said: Just to be devil's advocate, could it also be the guy's inability to eloquently put his wants and needs forward in a respectable manner? That it isn't his intention to "threaten" you, but instead he raises the possibility that he can't control himself going elsewhere when his wants are not met. It may not be his intention to blame you, saying "it's your fault if that happens", but instead warn you that he "doesn't know what might happen if the situation isn't resolved, and he doesn't know how it can be resolved, outside of him finding someone else". . Regardless, the fact remains that he comes across as rather self-serving and disrespectful, even unempathetic. It makes total sense for you to be put off by his unkind manner, and without open communication from both sides (i.e. his, you've made your case clear) working towards a resolution, you should totally stick with your notion that you deserve better. I'm all for a bit of devil's advocate but, if you're right in saying that he can't communicate his feelings/wants/needs then he needs to work on that. I come across people who struggle to communicate and so do by usually through behaviours daily but they generally have an impairment/disturbance of the brain/mind and/or low intelligence. When these aren't factors, then as mature adults, we tend to know when we don't have the words to convey what we want. Again, as adults, when we're in that situation, we voice it, reflect on the situation and return to the conversation. I did it the other day at work. My manager asked me what was bothering me about a situation and I was so entrenched in it that I couldn't see the woods for the trees and that's as much as I could say. A couple of hours later I was able to say, "this is how I'm feeling and this is why" and we worked through it together. That's what should be happening in this scenario. Perhaps you're right, we could all make assumptions, either way though, it's not healthy.
ar**** Posted October 19, 2023 Posted October 19, 2023 40 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: I'm all for a bit of devil's advocate but, if you're right in saying that he can't communicate his feelings/wants/needs then he needs to work on that. I come across people who struggle to communicate and so do by usually through behaviours daily but they generally have an impairment/disturbance of the brain/mind and/or low intelligence. When these aren't factors, then as mature adults, we tend to know when we don't have the words to convey what we want. Again, as adults, when we're in that situation, we voice it, reflect on the situation and return to the conversation. I did it the other day at work. My manager asked me what was bothering me about a situation and I was so entrenched in it that I couldn't see the woods for the trees and that's as much as I could say. A couple of hours later I was able to say, "this is how I'm feeling and this is why" and we worked through it together. That's what should be happening in this scenario. Perhaps you're right, we could all make assumptions, either way though, it's not healthy. You word the point I wanted to make more clearly, thank you. Without knowing the guy and his typical behavior, we can only guess what happened. So I tried to offer a different point of view. . Personally for me, if the OP can rule out that the guy is struggling to communicate, then his behavior is characteristic, a truer red flag. I'm not sure how an apology can take that flag away or diminish it sufficiently for her to not stand her ground.
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