New here. Trying to learn/understand what my wife wants and weather I can give it to her or deal with her getting it somewhere else.

[StarbursTrick863]

Hi All,

I am 36M married with kids to a 35F. We have been together for 13 years. We have been through a LOT together.

To provide a little background when we first started hooking up I basically stole her from a mutual friend of ours. I know now that the two of them were engaging in some very rough and borderline abusive sexual activities. She didn't consider them to be a couple, but he is a sociopath and is possessive. We started going steady and I am not ashamed to say we fell in love very fast, at least I did. The former friend/FB happened to be crashing at my apartment and I basically stopped living there and started sleeping at her place. 2 months in to our relationship, when I was studying for a test so couldn't join, she went out to a bar and ended up having a threesome with HIM and another on/off GF of his. Looking back I think she was scared because things were going so well with us it was clear I was in love with her. She didn't think she deserved it so when the opportunity presented itself she decided to torpedo our relationship by cheating on me, knowing I had grown to hate this guy. My roommate (not the guy, my actual roommate) was at the bar and he told me the next day how asshole was bragging about it. I confronted him and he basically told me I would never be enough for her and there were things about her I would never understand. I beat him up a bit (I'm much bigger and have training) and told him we were no longer friends and I never wanted to see him again. I went to her apartment and confronted her. She fell apart, assuming I was going to leave her. I didn't. I asked her if she still wanted to be with me, because I still wanted to be with her. I told her that we would start over, from right here. We found our own place a few months later and have never been apart more than 5 days since then.

Coming closer to my request for advice: about 5 years ago she was doing the laundry and found a condom in my shorts. We don't use them. She found it about 6 months after the fact but I was honest with her and explained at the time things had been rough. I was working 3 min wage jobs to support us and our first kid including driving deliveries overnight while still working through the day. Our sex-life had slowed way down and I was feeling neglected and unappreciated. One night a buddy and I decided I was going to ditch deliveries, we were going to a strip club he knew did "extras" and the plan was to double team a stripper. This did not happen. We went to the club for an hour, I felt like a POS and we left. She was extremely angry. I was so scared I was going to lose her, I confessed something to her that only the aforementioned best friend knew: She is the only woman I have really had sex with. RIGHT before we started hanging out I had hooked up with a mutual friend of ours (which she knew about). I performed oral admirably (impressed myself, got her off 8 times) but all 3 times we hooked up I couldn't keep it up inside a condom to lose my damn virginity.  I was drunk the first time and then just more and more anxious the next times. MY WORST NIGHTMARE at 23 years old. She stopped responding to my requests to hook up and the night I decided to confront her about it was the first time I hooked up with my now wife. SHE was gentle, encouraging, didn't make me wear a condom and even though we were both pretty drunk IT WORKED! I never told her she was my first until all those years later. This shocked her, but also explained some things. We worked through it and over the past few years our sex-life has been pretty good considering we have had 2 more kids and that can really put a hamper on it.

 

DONE WITH THE BACKGROUND, CUT TO PRESENT DAY

3 days ago I came home from a night out with 2 friends. I expected her to be pretty miffed, I had stayed out way later than we agreed. She was a little bit but I could tell something was up. After I dropped out two older kids off with my parents, she gave me a serious look and said "I want to talk to you about something, sit down". I was expecting her to tell me I wasn't allowed to go over to this friends house for a while because I had stayed out too late with him twice in 2 months. NOPE. "I don't want to be the only girl you have been with anymore, I think we should try CNM". This was something we had played around with in the bedroom with fleshlights and dirty talk. Me talking about fucking someone else really excited her but she always maintained it was just fantasy and pointed me back to how she felt when I made my dumb stripper plans. "Woah, OK". I noticed she seemed scared though and then she blurted out: "and I want to go do something too". "Ok" , I said, "I have always fantasized about hot-wifing and I think I would enjoy watching someone else pleasure you". I derive a large part of my pleasure during sex from watching her. Although the experience of the power giving her the pleasure myself is great, I also enjoy watching her with solo or with toys. "No" she said: "I'm sorry but a few weeks ago you were out and I was mad at you and a little drunk". "I responded to a post on reddit from a Dom looking for Subs". "It turns out he's actually right here in the small town we live in, I think this is what I want, I want him to hurt me, scare me and fuck me".

I was stunned. I immediately went from nervously excited about the prospect of getting to experience being with another woman to TERRIFIED I was going to lose my soul mate. We have done a LOT of talking and fucking since then. It has been really healthy overall. I tried to give her conditions and caveats but everything I wanted to try to blunt the impact I was feeling seemed to be something that would ruin the experience she was imagining: Could I watch? NO! Could she film it so I could watch later? NO! She said both of these would leave her thinking about me as she is very easily distracted and the experience needs to be all about her (I find this hard to understand because it seems to be all about HIM, not her, but I have been doing a lot of reading and I am learning. After a lot of soul searching (and I have told her this) I think I have always realized she wants/needs something she doesn't feel I can give her. This is the reason I am always buying new toys, asking her to try new things etc. A few years ago I happened to do some Dom stuff and saw her reaction. Ever since then I've tried hard to be more dominant in the bedroom. I think I have made good progress, but she says I cant give her what she thinks she is looking for.

She wants, above all else, to be scared. I remember the first time I put on a ghost face mask, called her on the phone to tell her I was in her house and coming for her, chased her with a huge knife and then fucked her. She was SOAKING wet and came really fast. I didn't mind it at all. It was pretty fun, I was a little worried it accidentally stab or cut her but seeing and hearing how much she enjoyed it really got me off. I reminded her of this and she said NOPE, not close to what she is looking for, she wasn't really that scared: "that's just role play and anything we do will only be that". She has said both that I am her protector and and that we are equals in a marriage and partnership and that she doesn't want ME to scare/hurt and then fuck her.

If you have made it this far BLESS YOU.

Knowing what you know from the first two paragraphs about my history, I hope its understandable that allowing her to go off and have some guy dominate, scare, hurt and then make her cum like I cant and I CANT be involved other than reclaiming her after is a really hard pill to swallow. It opens the wound of the betrayal in the beginning our relationship and things my former friend said to me about her. Something that has always been in the back of my mind as our sex life has evolved. At the same time giving her what she wants and making her happy is extremely important to me. I feel almost as anxious about her missing this opportunity as I do her doing it. I have spent the past few days learning about the D/s relationship. I have learned that my style of domination is different from what she wants, but it is something I think we could work on just the two of us to find some common ground. I am a nurturing Daddy Dom. I do like to punish her, but I have a hard time when she gets bratty not taking it as rejection.

So I'm hoping this community can offer me some advice. Do you think I can learn to Dominate her the way she wants it? Do you think she can learn see me that way, without ruining our "equal" relationship outside the bedroom? I have thought about seeing if she would be interested in exploring the ways our relationship is not equal ( I make all the ***, my family supports us and she doesn't talk to hers) in the bedroom. On the flipside, should I try to push myself and let her go see this guy? We have made a lot of progress and really opened up to each other like never before. The honesty has been extremely refreshing. She has dialed way back from "I want to do this with him in the next few weeks" to "Lets go out to a bar and see how we handle watching each other flirt with someone else". We got a babysitter for this Friday to do just that. I am considering putting what I'm learning in to action and making her wear a remote panty vibrator when we go out.

Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read all this and thank you for any advice in advance.

[ty****]

man o man, this is a doozy. i completely understand your *** and excitement. everything i say with a grain of salt as it purely my opinion:

as long as your partner understands how you feel about the situation and does not do anything to trample over them, then you should be fine. her going from "a few weeks countdown to being dominated" to "let's just go out and mingle" is a WAY BETTER first step, considering the unfamiliarity and discomfortness. it's great you both are open about trying new things and are both being genuine about it. you're both doing the right thing by communicating with each other about it.

now as for the situation, as a gentleman, i have to agree with your partner and say she is right. if you're as much a provider as you say you are and have been in her life, she does respect you, look up and out for you, and would seek every type of protection and serenity in you. if she wants to endure *** during sex, it's going to be very difficult with you because of the aforementioned things. IF that is her kink, it's going to be extremely difficult to create that dynamic while preserving the one you currently have.

to round it off, i think the vibrating panties are a good start out at a bar! kinky, gets you both in heat and you both can see how you react to strangers! start small and open with each other and work your way up to the closed doors if that's what's the goal!

hope this helped, and good luck friend!

[Deleted Member]

I think that it’s great that you and you’re wife are communicating and trying to be on the same page. Something that I noticed that’s using from the your post is whether or not your wife has explicitly stated what does being dominant mean to her. What specific acts is she looking for the dom to carry out? What is it about you that she doesn’t see as meeting her idea of a dom? Answers to those questions would be a great starting place to understanding specifically what she wants. Then you can decide if you’re okay with her potentially having her needs met somewhere else.

[Ge****]

Wow. I’ll start there. That’s… a LOT. And I mean for YOU… not just the reading. So first off… thank you for being open and sharing. That takes GUTS, brother.

So… I now live an ENM lifestyle (Ethical Non-Monagomy), and I can tell you first hand…. Communication isn’t merely important. It’s VITAL. Right up there next to communication, is transparency… and I don’t mean just with each other… you have to be fully, brutally, transparent to yourself first and foremost. …and it sounds like you both have been. So that’s a great place to start.

Second… for context, I am a Daddy Dom… and I’m also a Sadist. It’s very VERY possible for both to exist inside the same person. As I have told several people in my local community, “Gentleman always…. Sadist by request”

When my first partner and I explored kink, she wanted me to hit her, be rough with her, and manhandle her. I was willing… but I couldn’t differentiate “harm” with “hurt” in my own mind. And the thought of harming the love of my life was anathema to me. I couldn’t do it. As it turns out… she was actually a very light bottom. I’ve since grown a TON as a Top.


Something that helped me immensely, and I’ve shown another couple that we were friends with (and I am still very good friends with) is a simple system of using fingers as signals while in a scene.

1 finger: "um were you gonna do something?"
2 fingers: "well, that's cute. surely you have more though?"
3 fingers: "ahh... the sweet spot. just what I need"
4 fingers: "FUUCK!!"
5 fingers: "okay, that's too much for me. we need a check-in"

So far so good. It’s just another way of checking in, just non-verbally…. But the beauty is that it also gives instant feedback. I shared that with this couple, and in the middle of their first scene in a public place, she looked bored. So I asked her how many fingers… she put up 1. He looked at me perplexed…. And amped up what he was doing significantly. 2 fingers. He dialed it up again and beat the SHIT out of her with a flogger, and she finally hit that sweet spot. The grin on his face is a look I’ll never forget…


My point here is not to advise you on how to do impact though…. He loves his wife dearly. He was so afraid to harm her, he wasn’t giving her what she craved…. But when he figured out just how much she could take, he lit up like a Christmas tree and was finally able to let go and just enjoy himself… and she got EXACTLY what she wanted.

I’m guessing that could translate into *** play, too. The big thing is safe words… they exist for a reason. You have to be able to trust her “green” as much as you do her “red”. It may take some time to ease into it a bit, and that won’t be as fulfilling for her. It’s possible you don’t have that inner Sadist. Not everyone does… but it’s also possible you’ve always repressed that inner darkness for *** of how you’d be seen, what others would think, harming your love, whatever. And those are all GOOD THINGS. But within the context of play…. They are getting in your way with your wife. The trick is figuring out how to unlock them in a way that you can both enjoy.

[Ge****]

As to the ENM thing… communicate a LOT. There are some great books on Polyamory… and that’s a possible thing, too. Take it slow, communicate and check in a lot, and be mindful of both her heart and yours, and she needs to do the same. It sounds like you are both already doing that. Don’t lose sight of it!! There isn’t a “one true way” to do poly, any more than there is “one true way” to do any other kink. The right way is the one that works for the both of you… and eventually all of the partners that may become involved. There are healthier ways to do things, and that’s where books and plugging into communities can help. But what is actually “right” is what works for you.

[Deleted Member]

Get out mate

[De****]

Okay, that was a lot to unpack. First and foremost, please be careful about creating rough sex ***. *** and bdsm are not the same thing.
.
Next, long and short is you all feel that you *might* want to try ENM. Whether or not you can deal with it is an answer only you can give. You have to have have to communicate. Set limits and boundaries and those MUST be respected. Constant communication is key. Also, my advice is don’t *** it. If one or both of you want it to stop, it should stop.

[StarbursTrick863]

2 hours ago, Cmaster992 said:

Get out mate

Get out of what? My marriage? 

[StarbursTrick863]

2 hours ago, Gentleman-Sadist said:

As to the ENM thing… communicate a LOT. There are some great books on Polyamory… and that’s a possible thing, too. Take it slow, communicate and check in a lot, and be mindful of both her heart and yours, and she needs to do the same. It sounds like you are both already doing that. Don’t lose sight of it!! There isn’t a “one true way” to do poly, any more than there is “one true way” to do any other kink. The right way is the one that works for the both of you… and eventually all of the partners that may become involved. There are healthier ways to do things, and that’s where books and plugging into communities can help. But what is actually “right” is what works for you.

Thanks so much for the reply. Yours was really helpful. I DO think have a sadist inside. We already do some impact play, have for a few years when our sex life normalized after our second kid. But I'm usually hesitant to go to hard and have issues with constantly asking her if she likes it. I like your finger system. Honestly it scares to contemplate opening that door because its been closed so long. I grew up in Germany and was an angry kid, always getting in to fights because I was different (being the American kid at German school). When I moved to the states at 15, I was told to put that part of myself away or I would end up getting sued or in juvie. I still have a lot of anger in me. It will absolutely take work for me to unleash that on the mother of my kids, the only woman I have every really been with.

[Ge****]

You may have found a far better mate in your wife than you ever knew. Take it a step at a time. Check in after the scene. But let her show you how much she wants, rather than assuming you know. My guess is that she will shock you at first. But that’s where things can begin to be fun if you let them.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, StarbursTrick863 said:

Get out of what? My marriage? 

Unless you want to be cucked lol

[StarbursTrick863]

11 minutes ago, Cmaster992 said:

Unless you want to be cucked lol

Here I was so impressed that pretty much everyone in this community so far had good constructive responses, even if some of it was stuff I didn't want to hear. But OFCOURSE its the Internet, there's always gonna be some dipshit who tells you to blow up your 13 year marriage and leave 3 kids fucked for life because he is too insecure to have his partner share her desires and be honest about his shortcomings in bed.... Did you miss the part where I said I've always fantasized about hot-wifing and watching someone else fuck her?

Just a phenomenal response there buddy... too bad I cant delete it.

[Ajsdiscreet]

The thing about marriage is always evolving, together. It's extremely healthy to see both sides, getting into each other's kinks, sharing secrets.

Your wife just wants you to love her even with her desires. If she didn't love you she wouldn't have opened up her fantasies she wants to come to life. Don't throw it away.

[Mi****]

I honestly think the two of you have a lot to work on regarding your communication and trust within your marriage before you open up your marriage. It’s concerning that she responded to a post before the two of you had discussed it. CNM Is only going to be successful if the two of you are able to communicate openly and honestly and trust that whatever boundaries are agreed upon will be honored. That being said, if she does have an experience with another partner, it’s totally reasonable for her to not want you to be part of that experience. Some CNM partners want to share lots of details or let their partners watch or record the date, but it is normal to want to have an experience that does not include the other person in any way.
My biggest advice for both of you in this regard is to take it slow and not move forward until you are both ready. That can be really challenging for the partner who wants it to happen right now, but it’s so important.

[StarbursTrick863]

58 minutes ago, Ajsdiscreet said:

The thing about marriage is always evolving, together. It's extremely healthy to see both sides, getting into each other's kinks, sharing secrets.

Your wife just wants you to love her even with her desires. If she didn't love you she wouldn't have opened up her fantasies she wants to come to life. Don't throw it away.

Thanks! I absolutely will not. That is why Im here. I want to find a way to give her what she wants without risking what we have built. I am really pulling for myself shifting in to a role that can give her this thing, but 8f that's just not possible as she and various people here seem to think, I need to understand why and find some compromise or way to be OK with someone else playing such a major role in her life

[Ge****]

21 minutes ago, StarbursTrick863 said:

Thanks! I absolutely will not. That is why Im here. I want to find a way to give her what she wants without risking what we have built. I am really pulling for myself shifting in to a role that can give her this thing, but 8f that's just not possible as she and various people here seem to think, I need to understand why and find some compromise or way to be OK with someone else playing such a major role in her life

The ethical slut is a common first book on polyamory…. As is polysecure. There are now some really good references out there.

Also, as a middle ground… getting active in your local kink community and meeting people in a public play space may help you both. You as an aspiring Domimant and Sadist Top can get some solid mentorship, education, and see others do what they do. She can potentially find someone to scene with and get what her masochist heart craves, and you don’t necessarily need to make it sexual. Either ever… or right at first. As others have said… ease into things as they feel right. And always be willing to to pull back. It’s possible to open a marriage and stay happily, lovingly married. An ex girlfriend is a prime example. Her hubby is amazing. So is his girlfriend. And she and I are still friends… we stopped dating but it was very amicable. (I’ll be at her house this weekend for a social gathering) But the real point: there are more possible paths than you might have considered. The only truly WRONG path is the one that harms your marriage. Keep talking. Keep exploring. Go slow. Be brutally transparent. Push yourself as a Sadist, since that is a path you seem to want to grow in anyway. And best of luck to you!!

[Se****]

It’s merely a thought, but I wonder about the 2 of you possibly becoming more involved in your local scene and getting acquainted/becoming friends with other kinksters?

I’m wondering if having the ability to attend play events together and see what each of you do/don’t like might be a stepping stone to working more on what you could give each other.

I was also wondering whether she envisages her need to be scared/hurt etc as sexual or whether she could receive this element from someone (if not you) in a Top/bottom sense.  I’m too inexperienced myself to give any more “advice” But I’m sure others will.

I would however like to say I’m exceptionally impressed with both of your openness and willingness to try new things to support/please each other. Good luck with everything. 

[Ge****]

1 minute ago, FatefulDestiny said:

It’s merely a thought, but I wonder about the 2 of you possibly becoming more involved in your local scene and getting acquainted/becoming friends with other kinksters?

I’m wondering if having the ability to attend play events together and see what each of you do/don’t like might be a stepping stone to working more on what you could give each other.

I was also wondering whether she envisages her need to be scared/hurt etc as sexual or whether she could receive this element from someone (if not you) in a Top/bottom sense.  I’m too inexperienced myself to give any more “advice” But I’m sure others will.

I would however like to say I’m exceptionally impressed with both of your openness and willingness to try new things to support/please each other. Good luck with everything. 

Jinx!!! 😝

[Se****]

1 minute ago, Gentleman-Sadist said:

The ethical slut is a common first book on polyamory…. As is polysecure. There are now some really good references out there.

Also, as a middle ground… getting active in your local kink community and meeting people in a public play space may help you both. You as an aspiring Domimant and Sadist Top can get some solid mentorship, education, and see others do what they do. She can potentially find someone to scene with and get what her masochist heart craves, and you don’t necessarily need to make it sexual. Either ever… or right at first. As others have said… ease into things as they feel right. And always be willing to to pull back. It’s possible to open a marriage and stay happily, lovingly married. An ex girlfriend is a prime example. Her hubby is amazing. So is his girlfriend. And she and I are still friends… we stopped dating but it was very amicable. (I’ll be at her house this weekend for a social gathering) But the real point: there are more possible paths than you might have considered. The only truly WRONG path is the one that harms your marriage. Keep talking. Keep exploring. Go slow. Be brutally transparent. Push yourself as a Sadist, since that is a path you seem to want to grow in anyway. And best of luck to you!!

👆🏻 they said it much better than me. 

[Se****]

Just now, Gentleman-Sadist said:

Jinx!!! 😝

lol. Yeah, but you definitely said it better x

[Ge****]

2 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

lol. Yeah, but you definitely said it better x

Just differently. And I am super active in my local community so it may simply be because I have been down that road. Don’t sell yourself short!

[ey****]

any form of switch from mono to any shade of ENM comes with it's own challenges.   These are something you both have to be aware exist before going down that road.

A lot is also going to be ongoing.   I guess, a little, if other people involved are only casual/one-off (and they are AWARE it is casual/one-off) then you're not experimenting using someone else's feelings

It's not going to be an easy road - but it's stuff where... you can do something then make sure to discuss after how you both felt about it.

There are boundaries you both may need to draw, but these must be consistent and not intentionally make one or both of yours desires more difficult than they may be 

[Ae****]

I didn't read your post but regarding whether you can give it to her - if she puts in the same effort into your relationship that you put into trying to make her happy, judging by the sheer length of your post, you guys will work it out 🙂

I admire your commitment to working on things and seeking solutions 🙌🙌🙌

[MasterDarcy1979]

OK. It's potentially an explosive situation. Even marriage ending.

If things aren't handled well things could very well get messy.

You've already established that you get jealous, and when that kicks in you get violent. So, if things got out of hand... things could get out of hand.

The fact that she wants to be hurt and scared means that she's a masochist. You've said that you're nurturing so Idon't think you could hurt her. You're either a sadist or you aren't.

It's great that there's communication. I've known of subs to go behind their boyfriend's/husband's back. It's great and it's healthy that you two are talking.

Essentially, she wants to make you het cuckold.

A lot of people have a cheating kink or a cuckold kink.

If that's the case then no matter how much you progress as a Dominant. No matter how much you learn and how many strings you add to your bow, it will never quench her thirst.

Unless you can clone yourself.

It's even a futile decision to make her supress it as eventually her cravings will rear its head sooner or later.

You have to ask yourself whether or not you're cool with your wife fucking other men.

Best of luck.

Edited October 5, 2023 by MasterDarcy1979

[Bo****]

Thankyou for such a thorough post, you clearly have the clarity of mind to communicate effectively as does, by the sound of it, your partner.
It sounds like working your way up to it by watching each other flirt with other partners is a really good way to go about this. Maintain communication and openness between the two of you as you continue to go down that path. A cheeky kiss, a snog, squeeze of a bum in all within view. Make it clear how far you are each comfortable for the other to go on that occasion, maybe both before you go out and a reassessment after the first couple drinks have settled in.

A bit of social lubricant helps wonders in the moment and once the moment is saved in memory together with the feelings felt at the time you'll have an adjusted basis for future feelings to go by.
You're both in this for the long haul so there is time, and it is definitely worth the time, so don't push yourselves beyond what you're capable of handling at any moment.
Nothing is insurmountable, our insecurities can always be worked through. And if it works out you will both be stronger together as a result.