Normalize Sex drive in Casual Dating

[Strider6000]

Exchanging sexual needs with eachother before or on a first date shouldn't be seen as
- moving too fast
- being a slut/ creep
- only looking for sex

Sex compatability is a REAL human need and important for compatability!!! Marriages and relationships fail because of inequal sex drives and waiting to compare is comparable to hiding sexuality. I personally have been burned many times, being someone with high sex needs, going on dates and catching feelings for a girl who later revealed she was asexual. There's nothing wrong with being asexual of course, but that's just an example. It made both of us uncomfortable, made me look like a creep, and created a lot of hard feelings. Saying "I have a high sex drive" should be as commonplace on the regular dating apps as sun signs and smoking/drinking preferences!!!!

That's why I'm ***d to use this app to date. We shouldn't feel like outcasts!!

[Wy****]

Ok what I’m seeing from this post is that if someone doesn’t have sex with you on the first date… you think they are asexual? I think it’s pretty normal to not play or have sex for a few dates to make sure the other person is safe and compatible. Honestly, if someone can’t wait a few dates, I’d put them in a category of people who can’t delay gratification, which is definitely a minus in my book. Just my personal opinion though.

[Strider6000]

11 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

Ok what I’m seeing from this post is that if someone doesn’t have sex with you on the first date… you think they are asexual? I think it’s pretty normal to not play or have sex for a few dates to make sure the other person is safe and compatible. Honestly, if someone can’t wait a few dates, I’d put them in a category of people who can’t delay gratification, which is definitely a minus in my book. Just my personal opinion though.

Thank you for your reply. That's completely incorrect and not at all what I said though.
I specifically said exchanging information about eachother's sex drives. I have no idea where you got the impression I meant sex or playing on the first date.
I literally gave asexuallity as an example. My own personal experience was revealing we were not sexually compatible after the 3rd date.
I don't have sex with someone unless I am genuinely in love with them so I also have no idea where your "delay gratification" comment came from??
I think you're trying to hijack my post for your own personal agenda because you didn't read what I said at all 😅

[Wy****]

Ah the issue was the term “exchanging sexual needs”. I interpreted that as an act rather than a discussion. I apologize if that was not what you were trying to get across although I still wouldn’t take it kindly if someone was prying at my kink preferences on a first encounter.

[Da****]

I agree with this stuff, I’ve had similar issues when it was to late on the matter. I’m glad someone said something lol

[Strider6000]

13 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

Ah the issue was the term “exchanging sexual needs”. I interpreted that as an act rather than a discussion. I apologize if that was not what you were trying to get across although I still wouldn’t take it kindly if someone was prying at my kink preferences on a first encounter.

Thank you for being reasonable. Right, I meant "exchanging" as in exchanging phone numbers or exchanging moon signs. Grammatically that's all it can mean, but I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Your hastiness is a perfect illustration of the issue.
Where... in the world... did you pull the idea that I'd want to know about kink preferences on the first date?? Did I say that? You really need to stop assuming. But this is the issue. I don't care about kinks on a first... or even 5th date.
What I am saying is that knowing someone's physical sexual needs (scale of 0 to 10) is SO important for long term compatability. I have to keep getting my heart broken and living in *** of being called a creep because of assumptions like yours 🙃

[Strider6000]

I feel like... if we raised awareness for how detrimental mismatched sexuality is to healthy relationships, that we could change society as a whole. Make it a place free from unhappy marriages and sexual frustration. Right??

[Wy****]

I think the crux of it is that if you want to set that sort of boundary for yourself, you should let the other party know that that is something you want to know upfront. Then the other person can choose to divulge that information or not based on their own boundaries. If they choose to not do that then you part your ways, each having maintained their own boundaries.

[Deleted Member]

@strider6000 what you fail to understand with this post is the lived experience of a woman - if I were to list on a dating app that I have a high sex drive, the incredibly vast majority of men would assume that I am looking for sex only, willing to have sex immediately and that me saying no is just a form of flirting. Even just being on this app, despite having a carefully worded profile which says I’m looking for otherwise, the vast majority of comms are objectifying/looking for pic exchange and casual sex. Keeping my personal information under guard is a way of keeping myself safe.

[Strider6000]

7 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

I think the crux of it is that if you want to set that sort of boundary for yourself, you should let the other party know that that is something you want to know upfront. Then the other person can choose to divulge that information or not based on their own boundaries. If they choose to not do that then you part your ways, each having maintained their own boundaries.

Exactly! This is exactly what I'm saying!
That's how it should be right??
BUT
If a woman/man/person were to say "I'd like to discuss sexual needs upfront"
The way things are right now is that the other person will think they are a sl#t/creep for even asking.
OR they will think it means they want sex right away. Not the case.
Do you understand what I'm saying needs to change? I'd rather you PM me if you don't fully understand rather than keeping this going. I'm happy to help. 😊

[Strider6000]

9 minutes ago, shortcake83 said:

@strider6000 what you fail to understand with this post is the lived experience of a woman - if I were to list on a dating app that I have a high sex drive, the incredibly vast majority of men would assume that I am looking for sex only, willing to have sex immediately and that me saying no is just a form of flirting. Even just being on this app, despite having a carefully worded profile which says I’m looking for otherwise, the vast majority of comms are objectifying/looking for pic exchange and casual sex. Keeping my personal information under guard is a way of keeping myself safe.

I would appreciate it if you don't assume I fail to understand that. I literally have it in my original post where I said
"Not be seen as: being a slut/ looking for sex"
This is a feminism/ gender equality issue too. I apologize for how men objectify and treat women. That needs to change, and my thread is exactly about that. So thank you for completely agreeing with and supporting what I said, even if you didn't understand

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, Strider6000 said:

I would appreciate it if you don't assume I fail to understand that. I literally have it in my original post where I said
"Not be seen as: being a slut/ looking for sex"
This is a feminism/ gender equality issue too. I apologize for how men objectify and treat women. That needs to change, and my thread is exactly about that. So thank you for completely agreeing with and supporting what I said, even if you didn't understand

I understand absolutely what you said. What I’m telling you is that it’s not just about being assumed to be a slut, it’s about keeping preventing ***. You obviously do not understand the lived experience of a woman - how could you? It’s amazing that you feel the need to keep telling women what they do and don’t understand. If you did understand the lived experience of a woman, you would know that telling women that their opinions are incorrect and that they clearly agree with what you are saying, they just don’t understand that, is gaslighting bullshit.

[Strider6000]

11 minutes ago, shortcake83 said:

I understand absolutely what you said. What I’m telling you is that it’s not just about being assumed to be a slut, it’s about keeping preventing ***. You obviously do not understand the lived experience of a woman - how could you? It’s amazing that you feel the need to keep telling women what they do and don’t understand. If you did understand the lived experience of a woman, you would know that telling women that their opinions are incorrect and that they clearly agree with what you are saying, they just don’t understand that, is gaslighting bullshit.

What are you talking about?..🥲
I told you that you are correct.
I never said you were incorrect.
Don't accuse me of gaslighting please, I've had enough of it myself. 😅
The lived experience of a woman is an extremely valueable perspective for my thread. Yes, it includes ***/*** culrure. Your opinion is correct, and I said it was, so please stop trying to villanize me, I'm not your enemy 😵‍💫

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Strider6000 said:

What are you talking about?..🥲
I told you that you are correct.
I never said you were incorrect.
Don't accuse me of gaslighting please, I've had enough of it myself. 😅
The lived experience of a woman is an extremely valueable perspective for my thread. Yes, it includes ***/*** culrure. Your opinion is correct, and I said it was, so please stop trying to villanize me, I'm not your enemy 😵‍💫

Why don’t you have a read through your comments on this thread, and see how many times you’ve used some form of ‘you don’t understand’ and reflect on how you have corresponded with femme people here. I think it would do you some good. Add to that your most recent response where you’ve jumped into victim mode rather than being open to another perspective on how you are coming across. Your intent (if I’m being generous) does not equal the result.

[Strider6000]

7 minutes ago, shortcake83 said:

Why don’t you have a read through your comments on this thread, and see how many times you’ve used some form of ‘you don’t understand’ and reflect on how you have corresponded with femme people here. I think it would do you some good. Add to that your most recent response where you’ve jumped into victim mode rather than being open to another perspective on how you are coming across. Your intent (if I’m being generous) does not equal the result.

Seriously what are you talking about??
The previous individual and I literally came to a mutual understanding. unlike you. Are you suggesting i not comunicate? Are you trolling me? You're not serious right?
Focusing on how often I disagree with another person in the comments who also happens to identify as female has nothing to do with what we were just saying. You're now using logical fallacies. Please stop this, I'm not your victim, you're *** a thread that supports gender equality and communication and I don't know what's going on.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Strider6000 said:

Seriously what are you talking about??
The previous individual and I literally came to a mutual understanding. unlike you. Are you suggesting i not comunicate? Are you trolling me? You're not serious right?
Focusing on how often I disagree with another person in the comments who also happens to identify as female has nothing to do with what we were just saying. You're now using logical fallacies. Please stop this, I'm not your victim, you're *** a thread that supports gender equality and communication and I don't know what's going on.

My comments to you are about the way you are communicating. If you don’t want to reflect on this, good luck with things.

[Deleted Member]

58 minutes ago, shortcake83 said:

I understand absolutely what you said. What I’m telling you is that it’s not just about being assumed to be a slut, it’s about keeping preventing ***. You obviously do not understand the lived experience of a woman - how could you? It’s amazing that you feel the need to keep telling women what they do and don’t understand. If you did understand the lived experience of a woman, you would know that telling women that their opinions are incorrect and that they clearly agree with what you are saying, they just don’t understand that, is gaslighting bullshit.

For whatever reason you immediately decided to go on the attack with this OP. Your first words were "what you fail to understand". Chill.

[Deleted Member]

I've thought for some years that incompatible sexual needs is a huge relationship issue. And that so many people underestimate the impact that unmet needs has on others. I do see men attempting to telegraph their needs on dating apps in more subtle ways but I'm not sure many women will pick up on it? Vanilla girlfriends have commented negatively if men bring up sex "too soon". But if sex isn't a priority, anytime is too soon. It's tricky. Sex/kink is very important to me, but so many guys only want that so I'm wary of discussing it early. It's a conundrum.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

For whatever reason you immediately decided to go on the attack with this OP. Your first words were "what you fail to understand". Chill.

I’m honestly very relaxed, and attacking no one. I’m allowed to have a different opinion and saying someone fails to understand a specific perspective is not an attack.

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, shortcake83 said:

I’m honestly very relaxed, and attacking no one. I’m allowed to have a different opinion and saying someone fails to understand a specific perspective is not an attack.

Of course everyone can have a different view. And mine is that your responses are the opposite of relaxed. Have a good day.

[Strider6000]

17 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

I've thought for some years that incompatible sexual needs is a huge relationship issue. And that so many people underestimate the impact that unmet needs has on others. I do see men attempting to telegraph their needs on dating apps in more subtle ways but I'm not sure many women will pick up on it? Vanilla girlfriends have commented negatively if men bring up sex "too soon". But if sex isn't a priority, anytime is too soon. It's tricky. Sex/kink is very important to me, but so many guys only want that so I'm wary of discussing it early. It's a conundrum.

Thank you for contributing positively to this thread 😊
It is indeed isn't it? It's definitely not talked about enough and you've definitelypointed out the root cause. Men making women feel unsafe is causing a vicious cycle it seems

[ge****]

Thing is there are various factors some of which have been pointed out already as to why some people may not be open to the kind of conversation you're suggesting OP, certainly not on a first date, or even on a site like this, but putting those that have been mentioned aside there are a few others.
.
Whilst I totally get where you're coming from I don't think a simple conversation early on actually does establish sexual compatibility - people's ideas of what constitutes a high sex drive vary for starters, people/relationships change over time (we've all been through the honeymoon period of relationships where all you seem to do is have sex, only for over time that to diminish for various reasons), then you have the thing of not actually being able to assess sexual compatibility until you do it.
.
I gave an example on another thread the other day of someone I met on a swingers site a few years back, we actually met in person at a group social first so knew we got on in person, then started talking on-line, openly and honestly and in *exactly* the way you are suggesting, before agreeing to meet for sex - so by your reckoning had established compatibility - you know what? While it wasn't awful, the sex wasn't great, not through either of our faults, we just weren't compatible in that way - so despite all the conversations we'd had beforehand it didn't work between us.
.
The other thing to consider, is that bringing the conversation up early as being something of importance, may, rightly or wrongly be seen as it being the main thing of importance to you, and the other things liked shared interests outside of sex, being of less importance.
.
As I said, not saying you're wrong, but do think you're perhaps taking something of an idealistic view without considering those other factors.

[Deleted Member]

This is a conundrum that really highlights the difficulties men & women have communicating about sex.

I read this post same as the other women..that your primary concern, before even meeting, is that your sexual desires will be fulfilled. This is why I wish sex work was legal. I feel like for people with that mindset they should have the option to just buy whatever (safe & consensual) experience they want and stop trying to use the idea of dating or relationships to get their needs met because this is where the wires get crossed and hearts broken.

Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me as well and probably is to everyone, but sex is the easiest part of a relationship. Even partners with different levels of interest or desire can find happiness together IF they know how to communicate, which is the hardest part of a relationship to master. It’s take working on skills that are not sexual to have the best sex life with a partner.

Even though a high sex drive with a fair amount of novelty is important to me, if I’m looking for a romantic partner I’m immediately turned off of the idea of forming an intimate relationship with anyone that advertises their sexual needs before we start to work on a connection. Do I want vanilla? No. But if I see ‘not vanilla’ on a profile it’s an immediate left swipe. Why? Because it’s telling me they aren’t looking for a who but rather a what. Unless I’m feeling savagely horny and only looking for the what and not the who myself, having sexual discussions early on is a turn off. On the flip side, when I’m only looking for a physical interaction and communicating that directly, I find it extremely aggravating that most men will still speak in traditional dating language when we both know clearly that’s not either of our intentions 🙄 I deeply appreciate it when men say clearly and respectfully what their intentions are up front, regardless of what they are.

I think you might want to think about and what’s really important to you and make sure you’re having honest interactions from the beginning. If you’re looking for something more than sex, you have to understand that leading with sex with women will not get you there. If finding a sexual partner you’re highly compatible with is your goal then you are searching for a women with the same intention who will be open to that approach.

If you find yourself someone you actually fall in love with and they with you…you can figure out the sex part together.

Each of my long term relationships have had very different sex lives with wildly different levels of frequency, intensity and kink depending on our chemistry & communication.

[Je****]

This was a read....

 

Firstly..

• OP most definitely was jumped upon,  was quite hard to read if I'm honest. I didn't quite understand that fact.

 

• I get what OP is saying.. but I had to read it 3 times to understand. 

I thought you were saying it was OK to have sex on the first date if I'm honest. 

Which I would highly disagree with, personally, as I have my reasons,  but mostly down to trust and the body being sacred and its a lot for someone to allow someone else to enter their body. 

But anyway...

 

• Sex compatibility / drive from the get go.

I appreciate what you're saying,  but to agree with some people here, it can rarely go that way. And yes,  due to assumptions.

For me, it would be determined by the vibe and instinct feelings I get about the person and the situation. 

If they seem hyper focused on checking me out or trying to be touchy and mentioning sex every couple sentences then no. Not for me.

But if they are having a chat and discuss an ex for example (if they have kids or whatever) and I've sort of said aw how come it didn't work out,  and they've maybe laughed and said it's embarrassing,.....my sex drive was too much. You can kind of gage this in their personality and how they speak. If they are genuine or being a creep about it.

Just an example.

 

Now. I am someone with a high sex drive. I have a male partner. And his drive is absolutely no where near mine. He could go without and be happy. I couldn't. 

The diff is we are poly and have the option to see others, so I used to get to know guys for dates and after 3 or 4 dates the sex stuff happened. But it felt more gradual and natural than discussed. 

Those relationships didn't work out though and I only explored this while my partner was long distance. Now they live with me and sex can be a couple times a week or a month. It suits him, I still need more sometimes,  simply cus of my drive but I won't ever leave him for that reason, or make him partake in sex stuff if he doesn't want to, unless we have our agreed kink play 🤭

 

At other times, if I've dated and wanted to get something across, sex drive for example, I'd probably make a joke of it.

Here's 3 quotes, 2 are true one is false.

 

1. I can only wear orange socks on Wednesdays.

2. I've a very high sex drive, my record is 100 min straight in one session.

3. A lemur shit on my lap once in a carpark. 

 

Then discuss the correct ones and the giggles that come with it. 

If I wanted to find out where they stood in that regard it would maybe be like a flirty.. 

"So what's you're drive like? As much as mine or do you prefer it without the orange socks", and kinda laugh it the situation. 

If they say we'll I'm actually a sexual, I'd be disappointed sure,  but I'd still enjoy my time and company with them anf have a giggle about things.

If someone mentions an average or equally high drive il sort of make a cheeky comment like, good to know or sounds fun and leave it at that. 

See it there is a natural progression. If not then life goes on. 

 

I agree with the comments about women speaking about higher sex drives and some, not all, some men think its jackpot. 

Men are usually the beings with the higher drives. So yes sex is important to them. You also need to weigh into it that some people are addicted to sex,  so that's soemthing that needs outed to someone new, sooner than later , and some just want intimacy and affection due to other areas of life etc.

Can be so many reasons. Its all in how the personal tells their side,  their behaviour and mannerisms. 

If sex is more important than the connection, great fine,  then find that but try to find that through exact means,  than attempting to date incase person is wanting the actual dates and not just sex. 

Could go on forever here 🤣

But yeh like anything in life, it's all about moderation. 

And not many people want to be a random sex plaything to strangers. Usually anyway. But if it exists, people are into it I guess.

[Je****]

Forget to add, even if you do feel vibes and stuff with someone,  even if sex drive has been discussed, it cannot always predict how the physical in person encounter would actually be. 

You could have the two hottest people on earth, getting on a million percent, and comes to down and dirty, it be awkward, embarrassing and just not enjoyable. 

You sometimes need to grow with a partner and sexy time can evolve the more time goes by. People indulging in more sexual positions, kink, porn, new things,  even other people brought in. 

As I said I've a higher drive than my partner. 

We have compromised now, I do it a bit less, he does it a bit more. We meet in the middle then 🤣

Sometimes he feels he's wanting it more than me and vice versa. Forever changing and evolving. 

But compatibility wise, you just don't know til you are there with someone and trying.