Getting to know too much

[Deleted Member]

Hello, I’m new to the bdsm community still and I wonder how folks set boundaries for themselves. I find it quite overwhelming when people want to talk about things outside of bdsm and don’t feel as comfortable sharing personal details about myself. How would you navigate this? Respond slower? Tell them upfront?
-Ames

[Deleted Member]

It is just about communicating and trial error

[Ni****]

You say that you're not comfortable sharing that information yet. Only when you feel ready to. But, you're not just kinky you, you're vanilla you too, so is good to get to know both aspects of each other when ready to. Good luck

[ca****]

Don't feel pressured to do or share anything you're not comfortable. Maybe explain why you're not comfortable (if you want to).

[ch****]

Just be upfront and open up at your own pace

[Madambrwnsugar]

Stand firm in your beliefs and what you will or will not do i am a domme and wen subs ask me personal information i just let them kno i do not share my vanilla information

[Ra****]

I think for many people asking questions about you (both vanilla and bdsm related) shows a willingness to learn more about your interests and see if there is compatibility. If you're not comfortable sharing that, I think it's best for everyone if you say that explicitly so the attention is purely focused on the bdsm topics

[Ju****]

If you are strictly wanting a play partner for scenes, then no you shouldn’t if you are uncomfortable. Put in your profile what you want and if they ask, say please refer to my profile, or have a pre done response. Some people like to live BDSM 24/7, which means they would ask for information outside of BDSM to get to know like in a vanilla relationship.

[Ju****]

Just now, Just_Jen said:

If you are strictly wanting a play partner for scenes, then no you shouldn’t if you are uncomfortable. Put in your profile what you want and if they ask, say please refer to my profile, or have a pre done response. Some people like to live BDSM 24/7, which means they would ask for information outside of BDSM to get to know like in a vanilla relationship.

These are just my thoughts, others may have others.

[Co****]

Tell people up front if you want to keep your interactions strictly BDSM and keep your personal information separate. Don’t expect people to read your mind. If you don’t tell people this, most will try to get to know more about you than just your kinks. You have to decide what you really want and then tell people so they know it too.

[Semreh]

a "no" is always a "no" ... "sorry, I need to keep my private life for whatever reason out of the conversation" ... done! ... it is either accepted or not ... if it is not, I have no further interest and move on ... "good-bye, and all the best" ... I grew up my kink life in the London munch scene ... I consider this "best practise" in this community. Or ... a "no" is always a "no" ... no further questions asked. period.

[Ma****]

I can understand being worried about sharing vanilla life things to someone you meet online. Specially a kink website. It’s already a somewhat scary step to take (especially for women) due to the many creeps and very aggressive and straightforward malicious people.
However, I do think that a connection can be found first within the kink life. But then it’s important to also have that vanilla connection with each other as time progresses. Because you’d know who you’d want to share this with and that happens slowly.
So I’d say, share it as soon as possible that you’d want to have a clear separation of personal life and this kink life. Then it’s very doable for the person that’s understanding.
Especially since kink is a release for many from their personal vanilla personality. It’s a near alter ego that you’re allowed to escape in to.

[om****]

I agree with Raad, and Jen. Being that you’re newer just be honest, but also VET the people you are talking to before you tell them anything personal. I know for me as a pleasure dom once I know you’re real I want to know a little about you for a lot of reasons.

1. So I know you’re legal, and I’m not being catfished or set up.
2. So I can get to know what you are truly looking for so we can have the experience you want.
3. I don’t do clubs or ONS, because im in the medical field and I know there is too much shit that doesn’t wash off 😂 so I want to make sure that we are on the same page.
4. Personally if you are unwilling to share anything about yourself it can bring up red flags for people and depending on your kinks there has to be mutual trust or I would be out.

Just my thoughts, and I hope what I said helps or gives you things to consider.

[ho****]

If you don't want to talk about your personal life that's a non negotiable boundary you have set
If a possible play partner will not respect that boundary I would think hard before you play with them
It's your life
Your body
Your limits
And your boundaries
You have the power to choose

[Th****]

If it's simply information I either don't want to share or am not ready to share vs an actual inappropriate question I'll simply say so. Generic example...

Them: "Do you have siblings, of so how many?" 

Me: "That's not something I want to share or discuss (yet)." 

I don't get weird or slow to respond, I'm direct. I generally tell people of they say something I don't like or ask something that I don't want to share I'll simply say so. 

Depending on circumstances if someone asks or says something that *is* inappropriate, I'll often inform them of that too. 

[Do****]

I always say transparency is the best element in any conversation. If you're unavailable or just after some play partners, be upfront about it. I can't make any moves if I'm not interested in someone or if I don't feel the interest is reciprocated. I think sharing and intimacy builds a stronger mental bond which transforms encounters into something extraordinary. Therapy is sine qua non. You can't establish boundaries for others if you have no idea of who you are and what you're after.

[ha****]

You will meet all kind of people. Understand self and boundaries are important. It’s up to you to let them be known. Also understand that some may need to have a more personal connection to be able to build trust. Neither are wrong. If a boundary known is crossed then they are in *** because it’s unwanted. Point blank. Let those you are connecting with know what you are ok with. If they continue or pursue let others know. Safety is more important than a fetish.

[Ga****]

I would have added but it looks like everyone has already said it. Let them know you're not willing to share personal information. If they're persistent then just block them. Most important thing is that you feel safe when you're discussing anything with another person.

[MilesATL]

Exactly right just Jen if it's just a play partner. My suggestion as far as finding your limits would be to start with things you know you wouldn't be interested in like scat, knife play, permanent markings, brandings etc. I'm not saying that those are things you should avoid I'm just saying pick out ones you know you don't want. Then find yourself a patient sensual Dom instead of a strict Dom. Someone that will patiently play with you and show you all the different areas like violet wand which is electricity, restraint which is obviously being restrained, LOL, sensory deprivation, which is blindfolds and maybe white noise in the ears, nipple clamps, Etc.. you should talk about all this before you start playing and always have a safe word and make sure that when you exercise your safe word that all play immediately stops no matter what without any negotiation and then you can talk about it when things have been Unwound. Finding someone like this is easier said than done I've got almost 30 years in the lifestyle and 25 years training as a sexual enhancement counselor. I also owned or co-owned I should say a BDSM sex club well underground sex club in the 90s. Just make sure that all the lines of communication are always open then eventually once you get comfortable with someone you can start limiting the conversation because they will know or partially know your limits and then start pushing the boundaries. But again, like just Jen, these are just my suggestions.

[Mo****]

You don't have to tell people anything you're more comfortable telling them with. Being honest about that is important. I reassure you that they only ask to understand and respect you personally. That's very important to a lot of people. But you should say upfront it's not what you want. Like someone else here said put it in your bio.

[my****]

Should be easy to ask them to" stay on topic. "
I like to keep the dialogue about the topic at hand."

[DarkArts1066]

This is one of those times where you set your own limits with others.
Many people mistakenly believe that ‘limits’ refer exclusively to sexual ones.
This is simply not true.
Your limits are whatever YOU determine them to be…. And if you want to keep your kink entirely separate from everyday life - then that is your prerogative. I would be upfront about this when seeking a play partner though. It’s natural for two people who are sexually intimate to become close in other ways. If you wish to avoid this, set out your stall early.

[Li****]

I'm the complete opposite of this and would prefer someone talk to me to get to know me first from what I haven't already written down.
I'd advise writing what you're expecting in your profile to save repeating yourself. Some still don't read it, and that's when I refer them to my profile again.
Messaging first could start the conversations how you'd like, if you're comfortable with this.
Being upfront in replies of what your expectations and interests are in discussion topics will save them from accidentally steering wrong, too.
Hope this helps, and best of luck.

[JeepGuyGTA]

Having a partner in general, and in bdsm in particular, requires some level of connection in order to build trust and intimacy, even if it just for a short term play partner. Therefore discussing different aspect of life is very natural and acceptable. However, you don't have to disclose any information you feel not comfortable to disclose. In my opinion, the best way, is to be straightforward and say that you are not willing to disclose certain information you been asked about.

[Za****]

that depends, if you want to meet a LTR partner they should never have problems with you taking your time to open up, you are always in the right to protect yourserlf and be respected about what, when and with who you share your info, if they really are into BDSM they should know to respect your limits about info sharing.