Advice for new m/f couple 🙏

[DarksideOH]

So we are a couple m/f that has no experience with being dominated nor do we even know if that's even something that is possible or sustainable because of the couple aspect. Also should we try an online Dom (preferably female but will consider male) or do physical meet up? We both are struggling with some anxieties which is why we are considering an online Dom. I want to eventually transition to a Dom but feel I need to go through the slave process to have a better understanding of the whole scene. We also don't mind paying at all but want someone genuinely into the BDSM scene. Thanks in advance for any advice it's all very much appreciated.

[The_Rev_]

This a hard one to answer.

I do dom a submissive couple using my Headmaster persona.

We play as a threesome, but we now often have an alpha and a beta sub ie one is headboy or headgirl and helps to spank the other, once they themselves have been spanked.

Online is possible through stories or interactive play conversations and descriptions, but can never ba e as good as being physically present with each other.

Can I recommend a couple of really good books:

The new bottoming book

and The new topping book

The authors are both switches, so give a holistic view of both roles. If you have Audible , get them there. The books are actually read by the authors.

[Su****]

Hello! As a sub I feel like you don’t need to be submissive to be dominant. You do have to have empathy and understanding. Also it will be awkward at first so laughing and whatnot is normal. Might I suggest maybe going to a munch? You can learn to be dominant without someone teaching you. It’s All about you and your partner. Experimenting. Look up some simple things like being rough, or demanding. And they look up like role play or what not and yall bring it together and try it. Also it’s very important to talk to your partner about limits what is okay and what is not okay

[The_Rev_]

Excellent advice

[Th****]

I'd reccomend just starting with learning a ton if things in general. *Before* looking into finding someone for any sort of dynamic. I and many of my friends will tell you that it's a good idea to find mentors who are ****rs* and not someone you'd necessarily enter a dynamic with or who would be interested in you sexually. This can be especially tricky/potential trouble with an M/f situation where the f is the new person. Not saying that women can't be problematic but statistically it's overwhelmingly men who *** power imbalances. 

I'd reccomend joining Fetlife, it's a totally different and unrelated site to this one, it's much more akin to kinky Facebook and the resources available there are vast (once you figure out how to navigate and find them) there is an events section. Where you can filter by educational and virtual, a good friend of mine is also a kink and bdsm educator and presenter and has compiled a huge stack of resources for newbies all in one spot that I'd be happy to share with you. Unfortunately, this site doesn't allow sharing of outside links in the forums but you can dm me if you like. I'm a big giant nerd at heard and love information sharing. 

When learning anything or gathering any kind of information it's important to vet your sources to check for credibility as well as get your information from multiple sources and cross check to see if they're essentially saying the same thing. There is no "one true way" to do kink and bdsm beyond basics like consent, ethics, "safer"/best practices, and there are some cultural etiquette type things navigating the community at large that are fairly standard and therefore good to know in order to avoid any faux pas. 

Being a slave isn't a requirement for anyone, that's a very specific category of submissive and my personal opinion is that it's a thing to work towards over a long period of time, *not* a starting point. It might be worthwhile and a good idea to explore a bit as simply a bottom before you choose to top for certain things, but again, not strictly necessary. Things like learning about risk profiles, communication and negotiations are where I'd send sometime to start. 

Ok... that's a lot, I'm going to stop the info dumping there for now. 

[sh****]

ThaliaV was on point

[ey****]

there's some good advice already

but a couple of bits I'll add

- the notion you need to be a slave to have a better understanding of being a Dominant is false

I know where the idea comes from.  But for example it tells you how YOU feel in certain circumstances, it tells you what YOU like - to assume a sub would like and feel the same way is folly.

That also when bottoming in this type of way it's easy to fail to understand how and why some things are done.   Being tied up, for example, doesn't teach you rope safety.

- Partake in community

Honestly. It's not unusual for couple to turn up into kink spaces with a view of making friends and also wanting to try kink in their relationship.  There's a lot you can learn from watching and interacting with others

Importantly; some learning may take a long while.  Nothing is going to unlock overnight 

[Shilo66]

Subbylove1 has given you some excellent advice...

4 hours ago, SubbyLove1 said:

Hello! As a sub I feel like you don’t need to be submissive to be dominant. You do have to have empathy and understanding. Also it will be awkward at first so laughing and whatnot is normal. Might I suggest maybe going to a munch? You can learn to be dominant without someone teaching you. It’s All about you and your partner. Experimenting. Look up some simple things like being rough, or demanding. And they look up like role play or what not and yall bring it together and try it. Also it’s very important to talk to your partner about limits what is okay and what is not okay

...So in addition to the above, I think it would also be beneficial to look into aftercare and possibly pre-care practices too if you're thinking about indulging in any type of 'Impact play' as well.

 

Edited July 20, 2024 by Shilo66

[Th****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

That also when bottoming in this type of way it's easy to fail to understand how and why some things are done.   Being tied up, for example, doesn't teach you rope safety.

If what I said about bottoming seemed to imply one could learn how to top from doing so I didn't mean for it to. I mean it more in a way of actually being a sub before you can be a Dom isn't necessary but it's not a bad idea to lab and learn on both sides and *from* both tops and bottoms. I didn't really relay my complete thought on that "out loud". 

Yes... 100% partake in community, seek out diversity, avoid mentors and "educators" who don't also reccomend learning from an array of people other than themselves. Good ones will be open about their knowledge base and experience and will encourage you to vet them just like anyone else. 

Edited July 20, 2024 by ThaliaV

[ey****]

1 hour ago, ThaliaV said:

f what I said about bottoming seemed to imply one could learn how to top from doing so I didn't mean for it to. I mean it more in a way of actually being a sub before you can be a Dom isn't necessary but it's not a bad idea to lab and learn on both sides and *from* both tops and bottoms. I didn't really relay my complete thought on that "out loud". 

Sorry; I didn't take your comment that way at all. It's on me I felt like I implied I did; apologies, I wasn't being pointed. 

I think there is benefit in being open to how someone learns, but defo understanding the limitations

[MasterDarcy1979]

It's not a black and white case of transitioning from a sub to a Dom.

If this is all role-play to you, then sure, you can be a sub, you can be a Dom, you can even be Galdalf if the mood strikes.

However, if it's a more serious dynamic you're seeking, it won't be a simple case of transitioning.

You're either a Dominant, a submissive/slave or you're a switch.

It's about knowing yourself and knowing which role fits you.

It sounds like you're at the start of your journey, so you just have to toss out the expectation and plans, because the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

My advise would be read threads here. Read articles. Read personal ads. You and your partner should Immerse yourself as much as you can.

Absorb information and take in informationand advice from people in the lifestyle.

Sooner or later the dots will join up and you'll both have a better understanding of the path going forward.