How can I make my head space safe again?

[Deleted Member]

Kinda of a rant but it helps to get words out of my brain and I’d like to hear others genuine opinions.
I’ve never had the best relationship with my head space, honestly it was used against me before I really knew what it meant and got traumatized by some awful dudes. I had thought during my relationship after those dudes that I had a better grip on it tho and that I could be a proper sub and not spiral every time I dropped. My relationship ended due to other reasons and I’ve been with doms and dated since but for some reason my head space just still doesn’t feel safe.
I love submitting to my partners and I’m definitely not a dom, have tried and failed, but every time I drop I only feel happy for a short time before I immediately start worrying if I’m not being a good enough sub, if I’m not pleasing my dom, or if they think I should be punished like my old doms did. I tend to be on the more nonverbal side when in head space and some times it’s when I’m floaty and feeling happy but most of the times it’s because all I can process is my spiraling thoughts and if I try to say anything the only thing I can verbalize is I’m sorry.
I know it seems stupid but I just don’t feel safe in headspace even when the dom I’m with is the sweetest most caring person. And I know it’s my fault for not trying hard enough to not let myself spiral. But I don’t even feel safe going into my head space alone anymore bc I almost immediately spiral and cry and I can’t stop myself until I pass out.
I just wanna be a good sub like everyone else that can be small and be happy, but I don’t know the process to get myself to that. And don’t get me wrong, I know everyone’s headspace isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but I just want a little ray of light through all the storm clouds every once in a while.

[Ja****]

I have the same problem thinking I’m not a good sub, if I deserve him or her, how can i be a better sub, and if I’m pleasing him or her..

Plz don’t feel alone. I’m sure there are many others that feel the same way..

You say you’re not in a good head space.. Plz dont hurt yourself.. it will be ok..

As for people taking advantage of our messed up headspace, there will always be someone who ***s the power they have over us.. we just have to learn when to stop the *** and to walk away from the mental ***..
I feel ya. (((HUGZZZ)))

[La****]

Oh no this makes me feel sad. Im sorry for what happened. Here’s the thing dear, being a dom or a sub—both hold such weight. But with being a sub, you give everything that you are and your full trust to a person. Your position is very fragile. Please know that with accepting yourself as a sub is already a brave thing. And doing the lifestyle is even braver. You are still a human being that make mistakes. What we can do is putting effort to always keep improving. If today your effort give no result, try again next time. You can always try again later. If you do what it takes to be a good sub, then you are. But you will be a better sub if your dom is also a good dom, and you both sharing a healthy connection together. You DONT need to settle for a shitty dom that make you feel unsafe. A good dom wont shit on you when youre spiraling. Its their job to guide you to stand on your feet again. What I meant to say is.. build boundaries and be vocal about it. Find a better dom bcs when they could make you sure that theyre a safe person, your sub space would react accordingly and hopefully be safe again. Good luck to you.

[Deleted Member]

Hi,.I concur with Lady_King,
A good Dom will nurture you, so that all being well you'll not need to go into your head space, other than to be focused on his words, challenging yourself for your own pleasure, as he addresses you.
Boundaries to be set, yes. I would sit down and listen the key things you would like from your sub lifestyle - the ones that will make YOU feel like YOU.
In hand with this goes expectations also. So discuss boundaries and expectations before you start a D/s relationship.
Lastly, maybe there are demons from your past, maybe childhood, maybe horrible Doms, that have left buried traumas within you. I had counselling for a year when I left my Narcissistic wife and it was the best *** I ever spent, as I got me back again and now think differently. So if you are willing to engage with a counselor, and I mean completely open up, you will benefit.
A good counsellor is actually like a good Dom. They'll stimulate you, for you to come up with the answers to your own problems, challenge incorrect thoughts seated in your psych and lead you to a much freer headspace.
Life will still be tough and you may still have some negativity in your headspace after counselling, that's just life, but for the main you'll change the way you think for the better and enjoy being the sub youd like to be!
Hope this helps and remember if you change something in your life, your life will change!