Being poly to that of a swinger in the kink community

[DJWolfDen]

For those of us who are Poly and in open relationships, what do you feel is the difference between being poly to that of being a swinger?
Now before this becomes a royal debate I would like people to give open honest and positive input and respect each other's views.
For me being poly it's all about being able to express love to more than just one person and being capable of having more than one relationship.
Yes I tried the swinger lifestyle in my younger days, it was fun for a period of time but then it just became a free-for-all fuck fest and that is just not what I wanted because I became emotionally connected to one woman and she was the main one I wanted to be with. Unfortunately the swing lifestyle is what broke us apart which left me devastated and regretted even being a part of that lifestyle.
Yes I am very much Daddy Dom because that is truly who I am and being Poly adds to that.

[S1****]

Personally being poly is more like having multiple relationships whereas swingers typically involve a couple who does things with other people together, making all interactions group activities rather than having relations with someone new while your partner isn't around. Just how I differentiate🤷
Unfortunately a lot of people think they are ready for an open relationship or sharing in general before they really are and insecurities come to light quickly, ruining relationships that were otherwise healthy. The key is communication and self control, as with most things. Understanding what your partner wants from an experience beforehand can make all the difference when adding new people to the bedroom

[Gr****]

My wife and I started out swinging but after some time it became difficult to find a couple to play with because one of our rules we set is one will not take one for the team for the other. Meaning there have been couples where she was attracted to the male but I was not attracted to the female of that couple and visa versa. so if the vibe was not there for the both of us for a couple then we would not pursue them any further. After a several couples where the both of us weren't attracted to the other in a couple we started to discuss playing separately which quickly evolved to polyamory which we haven't looked back since. So for my comparison! Swinging can be incredible until it isn't because the both of us have to vibe with the other in a couple which rarely happened and along with the vibe comes emotional attraction which is why polyamory was the right fit for us. It gives us the freedom to date someone and not have any obligations to the spouse of either in a couple other than a platonic relationship.

[DJWolfDen]

Well I can definitely understand both of your points and it's good to have this kind of discussion

[DJWolfDen]

Personally for me also being poly is that I'm also very open to being with both trans women or trans men cuz I am accepting of who a person is who a couple is and yes right now I am on my own until 23 45 our dynamic can be fulfilled that's the reason why I'm also seeking other poly relationships

[De****]

Swingers are couples playing together and sharing partners. Poly is having relationships with others that may or may not involve both partners. Both options can include all genders and sexualities.

[xx****]

You answered it yourself. I am neither swinger or poly. It is my understanding the polyamorous relationships are a more stable communion, a quasi-marriage if not a recognized one. Your lovers all understand each other's soul desires and will do their best to fulfill those as you do theirs. Swinging, not very much more (zero offence intended here) than a one night stand but amongst a group. "Hey, Pete, can I take your Mrs camping next weekend? "
---"Just you & her?"---
"Yup, and any trout we catch."
---" For certain, Julia loves fishing. Copy me all pics n vids. And a couple of the catch for the freezer"---

[As****]

fascinating stuff !

[co****]

Swinger play with singles or other couples and then go home only with each other. With poly, you have more than one relationship. Many people think they are interchangeable or go hand in hand, but they are two different lifestyles. I know of couples who are swingers and also poly. For me, I have found I can not share my hubby with anyone else emotionally. I will allow someone to play with what is mine, but at the end of the day, HE is mine.

The last couple (wife) didn't seem to understand that, and she and my husband formed a connection or as she liked to call it ( their click) which about ended our relationship, me leaving the lifestyle completely, and honestly put me in a bad mental place. I have the worst feelings towards her, and I am now working through a lot of anger and emotional stuff.

[co****]

23 hours ago, mighthurtabit said:

You answered it yourself. I am neither swinger or poly. It is my understanding the polyamorous relationships are a more stable communion, a quasi-marriage if not a recognized one. Your lovers all understand each other's soul desires and will do their best to fulfill those as you do theirs. Swinging, not very much more (zero offence intended here) than a one night stand but amongst a group. "Hey, Pete, can I take your Mrs camping next weekend? "
---"Just you & her?"---
"Yup, and any trout we catch."
---" For certain, Julia loves fishing. Copy me all pics n vids. And a couple of the catch for the freezer"---

The end part made me giggle. I guess some swing couples allow sleepovers, but not me. I am 100%, and we do this together in the same room or not at all.

[DJWolfDen]

I have to agree with Couplewv88 I'm one who does not like sharing my girl with other doms because the majority of them do not respect other people's relationships and that's where I draw the line.
Like I said I tried the swing lifestyle in the past when I was single, yes I did enjoy it and as a DJ I was able to be a part of several parties by providing music and entertainment.
However over the course of time I really felt like I was only being used and not really looked at personally so I decided to walk away from it and focus more on an actual relationship in the kink community.
I fully admit that I do have poly tendencies and that I am fully capable of showing love for more than one woman and the main thing for me is having that same love returned to me by one or two women who want to be in my life and a big part of my life. There's more to it than just a sex because even over on FetLife I see that site turning into nothing more than a free-for-all fuck fest and women only seeing guys for what's between their legs and if they are not well hung you get ignored.
I'm just expressing my past experiences and what I prefer that's the reason why I started this discussion so I thank everyone who has commented so far.

[co****]

I don't understand why so many couples have to be toxic, and one or both have to bring that toxicity to another couple. Like I am still so angry at the last couple I am in therapy.

[DJWolfDen]

I don't understand why so many couples have to be toxic,
I wish I had the answer for you on that but I truly don't because I couldn't even get that answer for myself at the time.
And I am sorry that you're having to go through therapy for it, I know for me I've gone through emotional turmoil, frustration, anger so I understand.
I really hope that your relationship and your marriage is strong and able to continue on even after the bad experience.

[sn****]

So my hubby and I have been married for 12 years and have only begun to step into anything kinky or open. We were very focused on each other and our family. We both had fantasies that we neglected for *** of hurting the other. But as we began to joke about things, we began to actually think about things and slowly approached the ideas we had put away so long ago. I could see that he was getting somewhere with some of his comments... He could see that I didn't shy away from them.
He knew he wanted an FMF and that he really liked knowing when other men find me attractive.
I knew that I liked it when other women found him attractive and almost kind of hoped he would cheat, just once. And that i find women in general more attractive than men.
I can't speak for him but for me it was not difficult to abandon those ideas because they end more relationships than they build and what we had was perfect as it was as far as I was concerned.
However.. as we slowly and carefully tiptoed on those ideas with jokes and winks we realized that not only was it absolute fuel for bedtime, but that it was that way because our relationship was more than healthy enough for it.
Now, as our insecurities come out to play, we're helping each other through those and THAT might actually be the sexiest part of it all. Our connection has grown stronger than ever. We see each other more clearly than ever before and love each other even more deeply and honestly.
He knows now that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know that he wouldn't even think of abusing that.
It's not that we *couldn't* love multiple people at once, but it's like, why? When we could just love each other even more. I already know that he's my person. The one I want to be at my side in any and every situation. In the bedroom, and in the world.

[Ho****]

Probably as many answers to this as there are poly relationships.  To me, swinging implies swapping.  It doesn't have to mean casual fucking between strangers.  You could have two or more couples involved in "swinging" among themselves as a closed group that could go on for a long time.  I do think that when most people say "swinging" they're talking about sex, and not deeper relationships.

My household is based on poly fidelity.  We don't do casual sex outside the houshold.  We were a triad until recently, and we probably will be a triad (or more) again, but I prefer longer term because the things I enjoy generally take time to develop, and can't be had in the span of a play session.   That's just me, though.  Describe any poly configuration you can imagine, and there's probably someone out there doing it successfully.

[Gr****]

I once attended a class led by a local leatherman regarding the differences between polyamory and swinging. One of the most memorable differences - at least in the local communities is:

 

• polyamorous people are far more likely to use their words and negotiate everything ... possibly to death if they feel it's necessary. 
   
• swingers are more likely to use physicality to find out of someone is interested: brushing against them, making certain to touch their arm or knee or something. If not interested, the person being touched just shakes their head.
   

There's a bit of friction between the local kink / sex-positive community (which relies on words and strongly advises against touching without permission) and the swinger community (which accommodates people for whom initial conversations are difficult), so learning this was a revelation to a few of us. There are those on both sides who think that the other side is just wrong and should do it their way, but having that glimpse into another subculture helped some of us a lot.

[ey****]

Poly and Swinging are just two facets of non mono.   They're both valid - but there are so many other forms also.

But simply.

I'd have Poly as being in a relationship with more than one person, or seeking a relationship with more than one person.   A relationship of course coming with all the things required to make a relationship work.  This doesn't mean every relationship is 'equal' (One person might be a wife you live with and spend most days/nights with, one could be a girlfriend you date fortnightly, one could be a Mistress you meet for play once a month) but they are all serious committed relationships.

Swinging - it's casual sex.  So doesn't necessarily have everything that goes with a relationship, and is likely more based on mutual interest in fucking

[Da****]

So I was in a poly relationship I was the 3rd and when it ended it tore me apart.. so I decided to try being a unicorn again which I loved now I'm in a relationship with someone I met with at a lifestyle club, he's my dominant boyfriend and hopefully my final relationship we do play with others and also have played as a couple and imo i would rather play with others than actually have a poly relationship we do have certain people we play with and I think that's just us being selective that's it I would like to play with one of his regulars...

[Scarlettlips]

We started out as Swingers, then my husband moved toward Poly while I actually do the Hotwife and Dom thing. It works great for us but we have daily check in with communication. Especially since I have a little more going on then him and his Girlfriend. 

[DJWolfDen]

Since I wrote this things have changed for me. What I thought was going to be something good having a poly relationship ended in my girl not being honest with me about her no longer being attracted to me sexually and just wanted to be with others. Then we had a second one here who claims she wanted to be with me but split off with the one she was with and then claimed that she was all mine completely but had mental issues that she needed to fix and then proceeded to go back to the Dom she was with. So now that leaves me completely alone and totally empty! I'm not sure if I ever want to try it again at this point, I'm a very loving daddy dominant and I know that I want more than anything to have one loving baby girl in my life whether I find her is a question now. Back in the day it was a swinger up until I encountered too much backstabbing and too faced people so I left that lifestyle and thought I had found the right way of life for me but right now I am uncertain.