A quad poly conundrum

[Bo****]

I’ve been in a quad poly relationship for 10 years. Since that time, we opened things up and each of the other partners have a bf/gf, with the exception of myself. I’ve wanted to explore that as well, however one of my wives has had issues in the past (rock gut, anxiety, etc) when I have played with others in the past. So much so that it’s almost put a mental block on me that I feel guilty, cause if I were to find someone, even if just a FWB, it would cause her those feelings again, which would make me feel bad. How do I over come this feeling or do I just chalk things up to, if they can do it, I should be able to as well?

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated!

[2m****]

Gotta put your big boy dom pants on and do wat makes you happy pretty simple bro good luck tho

[As****]

It’s normal for people to have feelings of unrest when it comes to a change in dynamics as she doesn’t know what to expect yet. I think with time and reassurance you could work through this though. It may be triggering past hurts and insecurities within her. Find the root of the issue and address it. Then moving forward will be much easier and your trust with one another will grow.

[sp****]

That sounds like a right quandary. I’d suggest communicating more to ascertain where the partner is and expressing why you have a mental block. Nothing is ever achieved with communicating when it comes to relationships.
Could it be a thing where your partner helps you pick a play partner? Allows some control and consent at the same time to ease those feelings?

[Deleted Member]

Their feelings aren’t your responsibility. If you let them control your actions it quickly becomes a form of manipulation. You can be kind while still following your own bliss. Let them know that you’re going to start dating again and that you’ll give them a month to get accustomed to the idea and you’ll make time with them to work through their issues, but that you’re ultimately not responsible for their feelings.

[E2****]

Run. Sounds like she wants to have her fun and you to not🤷

[DaddyRoot]

Try dating men.

[Deleted Member]

So I get this right you have 2 wives.
A. Got a boyfriend and is cool with you having gf/FWB
B. Got a boyfriend and isn't cool with you having a gf/FWB

Do I got this correct? Need to know before I can give my honest answer

[Deleted Member]

Does this wife play with others herself?

[se****]

I would have the conversation that her plus the other 2 have another person and you would like to explore that too. It only seems fair that is she is ok with her other partner having another person why you cant.

[Ne****]

All honestly if she has other play partners and she could go play but doesn't want you to play because of her feelings that sounds manipulative

[De****]

I think the best thing you can do is talk to her. Let her know that you would like explore with others but you have hesitation because of how it effected her in the past. Ask her what boundaries and forms of communication would make it less difficult for her. Like any relationship (poly, mono, vanilla, BDSM) it’s all about finding what works for those involved. If she can’t cope with you being involved with others in any capacity you have to decide if you’re willing to stay in that relationship or you want to move on. Both of your feelings are valid. You both get to be in the relationships and situations you desire, you just have to figure out if you can compromise to make that happen as a couple or you need to go separate ways.

[Dr****]

I don't think polyamory is for you. Humans are monogamous by nature, and these sorts of feelings are to be expected often, at least not on the surface than privately

[Ch****]

Self reflection and communication has always been suggested in my research, or reading. What behaviours are the triggers? Can you understand why they are bad for them? If you are feeling her anxieties, it does multiply your own. Compassion?

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Draporeon said:

I don't think polyamory is for you. Humans are monogamous by nature, and these sorts of feelings are to be expected often, at least not on the surface than privately

The OP states that they’ve been in a poly relationship for a decade… They’re allowed to have feelings of doubt about exploring further dynamics within that relationship but I don’t think there’s any reason to say “polyamory is not for you” in this instance.
Secondly, humans are actually non-monogamous by nature! That’s why so many people cheat! Monogamy is a cultural; and specifically western concept born of religion and a set of ethical ideals brought by the western church… There’s still many places in the world where it’s the norm (and celebrated) to take multiple wives - and other places still where having multiple partners is considered normal.

[ri****]

I think the advice to talk with your partner and understand where their ***s and insecurities are coming from is the best for maintaining the real and solid foundation of the relationship you have.
After you get that perspective I would suggest working together to design a roleplay or scene that can acclimate both of you to the emotions of finding another partner. Get small doses of the ***, mixed sexual excitement for each other, and then re-equalize with assurances.

[Deleted Member]

What if you didn’t make your decisions based on managing someone elses reaction or anxiety about it? What do you want?