Cuckolding | What's The Appeal?

While some people get turned on by the thought of their partner having sex with another person, cuckolding is a little more involved than threesomes or group sex. We asked writer Stella Harris to explore more about cuckolding and she talks to those who've experienced it first-hand.

In a society where monogamy is the norm, and jealousy is treated as a sign of how much you care, open relationships, polyamory, and swinging are outliers. But those aren’t the only fantasies or lifestyles that fall outside of the dominant paradigm. Cuckolding is also a common fantasy and doesn’t stay just in the realm of porn and erotica; many people are acting out this desire in their own lives.

What is cuckolding?

If you haven’t heard of it before, cuckolding, generally, refers to a man - the cuckold - being cheated on by his wife. But that fails to capture the nuance. Like all BDSM, what moves cuckolding into the world of kink is that it is done consensually, with the full knowledge of all parties involved. In fact, it often happens at the request of the cuck — the man being “cheated on” or left out.

So what’s the appeal of cuckolding?

Like everything to do with human sexuality and psychology, the appeal is complicated. I turned to an online group focused on cuckolding and put out a call for people willing to answer a few questions. The response was immediate. Dozens of people across genders and sexualities reached out to talk about their experiences. These included people who had kept it in the realm of fantasy to those who had decades of experience in real life.

One strong theme among the people who responded to my inquiry was that of submission and ***. Joe says, “I really like the submissive aspects of [cuckolding] and the ***. It's a rush knowing you can't satisfy your wife, so she's turning to another man.” But he goes on to say, “Like so many things, the fantasy doesn't always line up with the reality. What matters is that we've found a way to engage in this lifestyle that is enjoyable for all parties involved.”

A female fantasy too

Although cuckolding is often considered a male fantasy primarily, there are exceptions. Miss Zelly says, “As a polyamorous Dominant female, cuckolding made a great deal of sense to me. It is subversive to vanilla status quo expectations of what 'a good woman' does and is, therefore, liberating and empowering.”

Another woman, Wicked Maggie, says, “After my divorce, I had no desire to enter into any kind of monogamous arrangement or to follow traditional relationship models. So when [my partner] described cuckolding to me, I was intrigued that the idea seemed to fit what I desired.”

two men and one woman exploring cuckolding
Wanna explore cuckolding?

Cuckolding in the swinger and kink scenes

It will come as no surprise that people into cuckolding have the same struggles as anyone else looking for a third party for a threesome or other arrangement. When both sides of the couple have particular desires or requirements, it becomes twice as hard to find a partner.

JC told me about an 18-month relationship he was in where he and his partner explored cuckolding fantasies at length. However, they never found a suitable bull (the term used for the man who guests stars.) Not to be deterred, JC and his partner did the best they could with what they had. They used dildos as a stand-in, along with dirty talk and *** to bring their fantasy to life.

Similarities with polyamory

As more themes emerged, I was surprised to see so many similarities with polyamory. People spoke of cuckolding strengthening their relationship and improving communication within the primary couple. According to Spank, “To be a committed cuckold one has to adopt the view that love transcends sex.”

NookieNotes explained further, saying, “It's made it more intimate, more trusting, more loving. The experiences we have shared have brought us so much closer together. Moreover, they have given our relationship a depth that neither of us has had before, and shown us that there is no threat to our relationship from without.” And Joe said, “I know it's cliche, but it's helped improve our communication with each other.”

Cuckolding is getting more media attention these days, as a variety of lifestyles are coming further out of the closet. And as with so many things once considered outside what is normal or acceptable, people who practice cuckolding aren’t so different from people with any other fetish, or any other open relationship style.

Stella Harris is an author, educator, and coach who focuses on sex, kink, and intimacy. Through her writing and teaching, she explores the complex world of love and lust and strives to help people explore their sexuality safely and free of shame.