BDSM and Trauma

[ca****]

I think there is an absolute link between previous 'experiences' (good and bad) and how those experiences affect and mould us in life.

As someone who has spent some time discovering themselves thru counselling (albeit unknowingly for a long time) - i think the idea of taking it further and making it a helpful / career is a great idea.

A consideration is the individual aspect of all our histories and experiences and how each person processes and handles them (in life)

 

But big thumbs up from me. 

(and that's not me bragging about the size of my thumb 'doc' honestly!!)

Edited June 11 by callipygian
I am an editor.

[Bo****]

A responsible partner should always invest sometime in understanding psychology. Especially as a Dom/Domme. If someone is giving you that power or control you want to make sure its for positive reasons. The one major failure I had in one of my partnerships is not realizing they believed they were worth nothing. As someone whose huberous is pride, I failed them. I am glad you bring up this topic and I hope you bring your knowledge and expertise to the community. Not only to enhance enjoyment but also wellness.

[TX54321]

There is definitely a connection between anything that happens in someone's life and the steps they take in the future. That's what makes people, people. But, I also know that not all trauma needs to be "fixed"! A lot of trauma (or experiences) lead people in a direction that they end up finding enjoyment and pleasure from. Just because sobering lives through something bad doesn't mean they need to be "fixed". Sometimes, it's just a matter of the person figuring out who they actually are, rather than who society thinks they should be!

[Se****]

I think that potentially you’re right and wrong about this, but I can only speak from my personal experience. I feel that it’s a very big leap to say that “much of BDSM is a trauma response in most people”. Sure for some that will be true but it’s also true and applicable through many other walks of life too, like it or not we’re all shaped by our histories and interactions and it (can) affect every aspect of our lives or we can work with that history and reshape ourselves.

I personally believe it’s dangerous to say that interest in BDSM is a trauma response because it (can) lead people to believe that those who have an interest in it only do so because of trauma, that’s a slippery slope. Each and every person needs to be looked at as an individual and what is true for one isn’t necessarily true for another. Further, it might lead someone who is interested in BDSM to think they’re wrong or broken because they can only be interested due to previous trauma.

That said, can BDSM have a healing effect and allow a person to work through previous “trauma” in a controlled and safe environment - yes, of course (but do can many other things). BUT it is IMPERATIVE that a person engaging in BDSM does not do so with the view that their partner (for want of a better word) will be their therapist and fix them. Again, this isn’t safe and could lead to an unsafe power imbalance within a relationship.

I think that it is also possible that due to the level of trust and, often, vulner@bility people experience within BDSM it is highly possible that they are able to access stored memories of previous trauma that they may otherwise “hide” - does that mean the trauma caused the interest in BDSM or that the BDSM was the catalyst in unlocking it?

As I get deeper into a dynamic with someone, I learn more about myself and recollect more about previous experiences. Those experiences have, obviously, shaped me but ultimately they shouldn’t control me (even though sometimes it may feel like they do). So yes, whilst we’re always shaped by our past ultimately we do have the ability to overcome this and adapt.

I feel like I’m becoming repetitive and for that I apologise, it is a very interesting discussion. As I said at the beginning you may be right, maybe I’m simply too stubborn to believe it’s true of me - I believe I chose BDSM because I wanted to not because I was “f0rced” to by previous trauma. 
 

X

[Se****]

58 minutes ago, Barthold said:

You may have good intentions but this is basically a assumption on the level of „all antisocial people are criminal“ and „all criminal people are antisocial“ while in actuality the percentage of antisocial people compared to general population is just higher in prison, a lot of which serving longer sentences by default because of the inability to feel guilt/remorse and the increased likelihood to be repeat offenders

Similarly most people with trauma are not involved with BDSM and most people involved with BDSM are not dealing with trauma it’s just easier to find a connection between kink and trauma among kinky people with trauma
Someone with your backstory could just as well be vanilla with a anxious or even avoidant attachment style

Or even worse an “anxious avoidant” attachment style - I say this through grief teeth and with jest as I’ve recently come to realise it is my attachment style 😬🤦🏼‍♀️

[SS****]

This conversation helps me, thank you both for taking the time to share your thoughts.

[ba****]

Check out a podcast called Brain Software.

[lo****]

Yes I think you are correct and the term is hypersexuality

[wy****]

Hi, on a personal level yes I believe you are correct, having grown up in foster care.
My trauma response was attachment displacement disorder hence seeking the "daddy" in an abusive husband. But I have since found I need the approval (praise), the command and the structure of a bdsm relationship now to centre myself.
I am still exploring the sub me and directing the trauma response in a more productive way.

[Le****]

I think a lot of people get into BDSM for a variety of different reasons. Trauma is complex, multilayered and can overlap with many other things which may or may not influence one's personal preferences when it comes to kink. I know I have trauma myself, but I was already interested in bondage from a young age. It wasn't a response to anything as such. It has become an escape and feels the***utic though when I do get to act.

[jinxed]

6 hours ago, JJL321 said:

Most people spend their entire lives living ***ly, and so they believe they can't control how they respond to the external world around them. The greatest gift you can give yourself and to those around you is to integrate your shadow so it isn't running ***ly wild. 

From my own experience, I completely agree with this. It was through BDSM experiences and partners that I understood how chaotic my reactions to the outside world truly are. So for some years now I've been working on myself and I see improvements. I am able to regulate a lot better and the biggest achievement is that I don't get over-attached anymore. I don't need another person to feel safe and that is the most freeing experience ever! Treatment that isn't mutually accommodative is simply not acceptable in my life anymore. 
However, I've come to realise that for some the trauma is such that they might not achieve this within this lifetime and they might need to find other strategies to live a more peaceful life. 

[Ki****]

I was diagnosed only a couple years ago with ADHD and now a bit of autism. Given the structure both need with these diagnoses, is it any wonder there’s more of a preponderance of neurospicy people involved in bdsm and kink. Bc along with the structure there’s SERATONIN and DOPAMINE!! Yay!

[ey****]

11 hours ago, sub03038 said:

I personally believe that much of BDSM interest is a trauma response in most people.

in some people. absolutely.

in MOST people... that is an overstretched assumption without basis. 

[Up****]

There is a lot of space for folks with depth of experience in the arena.

[Bo****]

If you’re wanting to mainly provide trauma therapy, look into a masters in social work. It’s the degree and ultimately the independent licensure that most employers are looking for!

But yes, I do think it can be a trauma response. I am a high functioning woman that is in charge in all areas of my life. I think that’s why a Dom that’s able to step in, help me stop being so independent, turn my brain off and take control is very appealing to me. But finding a man that’s calm, protective and strong is very hard to find!

[JC****]

I also heard that kinks and fetishes can be inherited traits. Kinda crazy to think about lol

[su****]

6 hours ago, Botno761397 said:

If you’re wanting to mainly provide trauma therapy, look into a masters in social work. It’s the degree and ultimately the independent licensure that most employers are looking for!

But yes, I do think it can be a trauma response. I am a high functioning woman that is in charge in all areas of my life. I think that’s why a Dom that’s able to step in, help me stop being so independent, turn my brain off and take control is very appealing to me. But finding a man that’s calm, protective and strong is very hard to find!

I am the same, and you are so right about that.

Is it me or do even dominant men seem scared these days? They fly away at even a hint of hard work. 

[su****]

10 hours ago, Kinky_Auld_Bastehrd said:

I was diagnosed only a couple years ago with ADHD and now a bit of autism. Given the structure both need with these diagnoses, is it any wonder there’s more of a preponderance of neurospicy people involved in bdsm and kink. Bc along with the structure there’s SERATONIN and DOPAMINE!! Yay!

Amen to that! Probably one of the biggest reasons a Dom would be welcome in my life. Typically a true Dominant is able to provide the structure which my ADHD lacks.

And in return, I provide fire and fun! 😜

[Bo****]

3 hours ago, sub03038 said:

I am the same, and you are so right about that.

Is it me or do even dominant men seem scared these days? They fly away at even a hint of hard work. 

Yes! I’m finding that once guys learn what I do for a living, that I own my house, can manage my life independently and that I don’t react in extremes…they’re no longer interested! They say there’s no “good ones” out there anymore, but we’re out there! They just seem to be intimidated by us!

[Se****]

12 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

in some people. absolutely.

in MOST people... that is an overstretched assumption without basis. 

You said what I meant in 10,000 less words 😂

[an****]

Not to segway, for expansion of your reason, most interactions/interests are a survival reaction response to some version of trauma (however slight). BDSM communities are unique in their ability to encourage understanding and trait analysis. Where as 'why do I feel ashamed for taking PTO at work" is not high on a bosses agenda.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

You said what I meant in 10,000 less words 😂

ahaaha

tbf, usually it's me writing 10,000 words

but yes, while there are those into BDSM where there is some form of trauma history - on the whole it's a bad assumption/stereotype 

[su****]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

ahaaha

tbf, usually it's me writing 10,000 words

but yes, while there are those into BDSM where there is some form of trauma history - on the whole it's a bad assumption/stereotype 

I’ve yet to meet a single person involved in BDSM who does not have some form of trauma. Now that is to say, I obviously have not met everyone.

But if you had no introduction to bunnies and the first 10 bunnies you met had two ears wouldn’t you assume that bunnies have two ears?

I don’t think it’s bad assumption. That’s your opinion. Everyone’s got one.

[Ba****]

12 hours ago, sub03038 said:

I’ve yet to meet a single person involved in BDSM who does not have some form of trauma. Now that is to say, I obviously have not met everyone.

But if you had no introduction to bunnies and the first 10 bunnies you met had two ears wouldn’t you assume that bunnies have two ears?

I don’t think it’s bad assumption. That’s your opinion. Everyone’s got one.

Don’t worry you’ll learn about confirmation bias when you are back in school

For now just know that „BDSM=damaged/treatable“ is among the stereotypes the community has spend the most time arguing against in the last two decades at least

Also to me personally „man=dominant“ isn’t a bad assumption, i am a dominant man, i know three other dominant man by name and face and i only know one openly submissive man by name and face
But that doesn’t change the fact that statistically there are more submissive than dominant men in the community

Your personal observation sample is basically just people you relate to while clinically it’s people seeking treatment
You have only seen bunnies with ***d ears

[ey****]

14 hours ago, sub03038 said:

I’ve yet to meet a single person involved in BDSM who does not have some form of trauma. Now that is to say, I obviously have not met everyone.

What about outside of BDSM?

Because experiencing trauma is something which affects a very high percentage of people.

Many of which are not into any form of BDSM.  

Also whilst there will be an overlap between people who have experienced trauma AND are into BDSM - it's important not to fall into the bias and linking causation/correlation -- it is true that for SOME people, that involvement within BDSM is a form of trauma response - however that should not be assumed of all people even if it's both true that they have experienced trauma AND are into BDSM

 

I guess, for example, given the high amount of people who have experienced trauma - you could say that eating ice cream is a trauma response.   Go round an ice cream parlour and ask everyone if they've ever experienced trauma. 

14 hours ago, sub03038 said:

That’s your opinion. Everyone’s got one.

It does seem most on the thread disagree with your assumption

It's only their/our lived experiences.