Something to make you smile in these troubled times.

[Ze****]

At the moment, life is not fun. Not withstanding all those who have lost their lives to this terrible plague, let's have something to take our minds off things. So here is the first one.
Timothy came home one day and ran up to his parents room to ask them what was for breakfast.
He opend their door and saw his leather clad dad tieing up his naked mother and spabking her with a hair rush he ran out of the room screaming.
The father and mother looked at each other, the father quickly unties the mother and gets dressed and says I better go explain to him what he just saw. The father left his bedroom and was calling out his sons name.

He heard "In here dad", as he approached his sons bedroom. When he open his sons door, he said Timothy what the fuck is going on in here?
Timothy had his grandmother tied up and soread eagled over his bed with a hairbrush in his hand.and he replied "Well dad you see, its not so funny when it is your mother is it?"

[devineme7]

Hilarious

[Mickey10]

Sure made me smile  that was a wonderful ending cheers

[Ze****]

A Night At The Farmhouse

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

[Ze****]

Please feel free to add your own. Corny, Porny, lewd, rude, crude or even funny.

[STM]

Thank you Zenus this so made me laugh

[Ze****]

A Slightly Confused ***ager

A ***ager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the ***ager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

[cautiousswitch]

A couple goes to the hospital because the wife is about to give birth.  When they get there the doctor asks if they would help him test an experimental device.

"This is designed to make the birthing process easier on mothers.  She wears this special wristband and when she feels a contraction coming on she turns the dial and can transfer part of the *** to the father."

They agree to it and he puts the wristband on the wife and shows her how to activate it.  The couple discuss it for a while and decide that setting it at 50% was fair.  The first contraction comes and goes.

"See? You men think childbirth is so easy," the wife says when it passes.

"That wasn't so bad," her husband replies.  So she cranks up another 5% to him and has the next contraction.  He still shrugs this off.

This continues until the dial is set with him taking 100% of the *** from her contractions.  The labor lasts a few hours, but they both smile and laugh through it until their child is born.  After confirming that the baby is healthy the doctor sees no reason for them to stay and allows them to leave.

As they're pulling up to their house an ambulance  drives away.  They ask one of the neighbors what happened.

"It was the strangest thing.  The mailman just grabbed his stomach and started screaming in *** until he collapsed."

[Ze****]

Disappointed
 

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me,
which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”
 

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can
you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re
going to get you fired!”

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to
ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me,
which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”
 

This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in
the human eye.”

 

“Very good, Thomas. Thank you, ” replied the teacher
who then turned her gaze on Maria.

 

“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously
have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I *** that one day you will be very, very disappointed.”

 

[Ze****]

Two Gay Guy's:

  Two gay guys are going at it. Then one gets up and says, "Stay right there I'll be right back."

  When the guy comes back into the bedroom cum is everywhere, on the wall and the furniture. 

  The guy says, "What the hell happened?", and the other gay guy says, "I farted."

[Ze****]

4 Letter Words

 

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
   "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
   "Oh, ma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
   Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, ma, as soon as we returned, he started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MA!"
   "Sweetie," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
 Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
   "Please don't make me tell you, ma," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too
 awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
   "Sweetie, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter
 words!"
   Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Ma..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
   I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[Ze****]

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

  A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.  The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

 So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without *** and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

  So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

  His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.  She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

  After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

  She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

  "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker
all evening"

  You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

  To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Ze****]

Men don't listen

  On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of *** on his face.
  "Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
  The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
  Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. 
  The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
  He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.
  "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. 
  Your testicles are under your pillow."

[Ze****]

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,  7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
 
To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused !?  Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was would you prefer me on my back or kneeling The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[Ze****]

Guts or Balls... 
 

  There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: 
 
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' 
 
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' 
 
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death...

[Ze****]

Three legionnaires

  Three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough dehydrated water tablets for days, and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour.   But no avail, the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing."Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't that a bacon tree on the horizon?" And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object afar off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimeter, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.

  Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and pour water over his face, they could hear his faint voice:

  "That was no bacon tree," he gasped, "that was a ham bush."

[cautiousswitch]

6 minutes ago, Zeus2512 said:

They were fully equipped with enough dehydrated water tablets for days, and food aplenty.

Dehydrated water tablets - just add water.

[Ze****]

Keeping Myself Pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[Vandalslut]

Two boundary riders from the Great Australian Outback had saved their *** for a holiday in the Big Smoke.  They had a wonderful time, walking about, seeing all the fancy shops, trying out posh food and seeing all the sights.  One day, in their ramblings, they came across a shop front with the sign, 'Taxidermist' over the door. One boundary rider says to the other, "What's that then, mate? What d'yer reckon a taxy-dermist is?"     

"Dunno," says his mate.  "Never heard of it. I'll go in 'n' ask."  So in he goes and the gent behind the counter asks if he can help him. "Well. Yeah, yer can, mate. We want ter know, what's a taxy-dermist? What does a taxy-dermist do?"   

"I stuff ***s, Sir. For example, when your pet cat or dog dies, a taxidermist can stuff him for you."     

"Oh," says the bushie.  "I see. So - yer can stuff a dead dog, orright - could yer stuff a dead sheep?"  

 "Yes, I can manage a sheep, Sir."

"Good-oh.  What about a horse? Could yer stuff a dead horse?"  

"I have done the odd horse or two in my time,  Sir, and made a very good job of it, too."      

 "Orright.  What about a kangaroo? Could yer stuff a dead  'roo?"

 "Of course, Sir.  I could stuff a kangaroo easily." 

 "Well. Thanks for all that, mate. Yer given me a lot ter think about." And the bushie rejoins his mate outside.

"So, what's a taxy-dermist then? Did yer find out?"

 "Ah, the bugger's just a boundary rider, same as us, ''n' not only that, the bastard's braggin' about how good he is 'n' charging good quids for it as well!"

Edited April 7, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Ze****]

2 Dwarves
  Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes  and take them to their separate hotel  rooms.
  The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the  next room, he hears his little friend shouting out  "Here I come again . ONE, TWO, THREE...OOOF!" all night long.
  In the morning, the second dwarf asks  the first, "How did it go?"
  The first mutters, "It was so  embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
  The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"  "I couldn't even get on the f*cking  bed.."

[cautiousswitch]

Alien Encounter

Shortly after man makes contact with extraterrestrials a couple decide to take a space cruise.  One day they meet an alien couple and become friends.

While they enjoy discussing their different cultures they are all amazed about how many biological similarities they have.  They are able to order off the same menu.  They are able to schedule activities together because their sleep cycles are similar.  It doesn't take long before someone brings up the subject of sex which, upon discussing it, they find to be amazingly similar.

One day they are talking and one of the humans points out, "You know, we discussed food and shared our dinners.  We've discussed recreation and enjoyed doing activities together.  We've been talking about... you know... sex and..."

"Oh ,we have this thing on our world that we call swapping," one of the aliens says much to the humans' delight.  So after a little more talk on the subject it is agreed that each male would take a different female back to his cabin that night.

They didn't quite plan things out and the human woman found she was without any nightwear.  She didn't want to try on the alien woman's clothes without permission.  Finally she decided she'd come this far and just got naked.  The alien man smiled and followed suit and she nearly broke out laughing when she saw that he had just a little nub where his penis should be.

"I'm sorry," she said trying to be polite, "I'm not sure this is going to work."

The alien notices her looking at his crotch and remembers their earlier conversations.  "Just a second," he says and starts tapping his forehead.  The nub started to grow longer until it was an impressive length.

"That's all very nice, but it's a bit..."

"Narrow?" the alien interrupts and starts tapping his temples.  What had just seconds ago been a small nub soon became an impressive sized cock.  The earth woman had to stop him before it became too large and soon they were enjoying the most mind boggling sex she'd ever had.

The next morning she met her husband for breakfast.  There was a bit of awkwardness as they ate until finally he asked her how it was.

"It was pretty nice," she said.  She didn't want to tell him it was the greatest sex she'd ever had but knew that question was coming, so she quickly asked him, "How did you night go?"

"It was horrible," he sighed.  "I've done some rough stuff before, but this alien chick just kept slapping me about the head all night."

 

[Ze****]

No slapping Sir about the head please. 

[Ze****]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES- These really do work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be  instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high *** pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes we need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape .

Remember:Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom .

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance .

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan .

[ca****]

Troubled times .... i just died laughing!!!

[Ze****]

Mary Poppins visiting

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

'Certainly madam', he replied courteously.

'Is the restaurant open still?' inquired Mary.

'Sorry, no,' came the reply, 'but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?'

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. 'Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,' said Mary.

'Certainly madam,' he replied.

'And can I have breakfast in bed?' asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. 'In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,' Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

'Morning madam...sleep well?'

'Yes, thank you,' Mary replied.

'Food to your liking?'
'Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all,' replied Mary truthfully.

'Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,' said the receptionist.

'OK, I will...thanks!' replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.  

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!'