Was this consensual? Advice please, also trigger warning just in case

[Justhere4info]

Possible trigger warning for abuse? I'm not sure. But if you're triggered by that, you may not want to read on.

I'm basically just on this site to find out if something I went through as a teen was consensual, and thought I'd bring the issue to some sex pros here at fetish.com.

When I was younger, but of age of consent and in high school, I started dating a 21 year old who was in college in a nearby town. 

He was the first person I ever had sex with, I think we might have smoked some weed or drank some, and then had sex. 

I wasnt really planning to, it just happened.

But the part I'm wondering about is that for twoish years after we were in a relationship with a lot of BDSM type stuff, and there were multiple issues with him giving me aftercare after having sex with me. I had clearly expressed that I hated it when he didn't cover me up or dress me after being particularly rough with me (with my consent). He said he would try harder.  ****I eventually explicitly told him multiple times NOT to have sex with me if he was going to forget aftercare, or was going to fall asleep right afterwards.***** It was too emotionally traumatic for me because then even felt more like abuse than sex when he would forget to do what I asked before we engaged in sex (or would fall asleep) even if it was just getting me a glass of water or putting my shirt back on for me after things were rough. 

He continued to have sex with me and forget aftercare, the worst time being when he left me naked and tied to a bedframe by my neck (the tying up was consensual, but I told him it was only okay if he was going to care for me afterwards) and dozed off (I got myself out just fine, but that was not the plan).  I was young and think I just got to the point that I thought maybe I was being unreasonable when these things would happen, and eventually just would dissociate from them, and focused more on more on weight loss until I was at one point 89 lbs at age 19. 

He told me "men fall asleep after sex, it's biological", but I told him if he was going to do that then to not have BDSM type sex with me because being alone right afterwards was scary for me, but he continued to do it.

My question (I feel like it's silly and don't want to overreact) is: for more experienced BDSM folks (or anyone knowledgeable really). Am I overreacting? It is now going on seven(?) years since the relationship ended, and I still feel pretty screwed up over this, still feel it in my psyche, haven't really talked about it, and I think those times being my first experiences with sexual boundaries led me to what might be even worse stuff in the future. I'm still processing. Would love and appreciate any feedback at all. Even if you think I'm being unreasonable. I haven't outed the dude because he lives in a small town and I don't want to ruin his life or anything but I found out he now works at their rape crisis/sex ed center and all this came flooding back. 

Thanks xx

Seriously thank you very much if you read this all the way through; I just realized how lengthy it is!

( I am a woman and he is a man, not that that matters, but I'm not sure my profile specifies) 

Edited March 30, 2020 by Justhere4info
Wanted to add a longer thank you at the end

[ey****]

In short.

No - you're not overreacting.

-

You basically put out something conditional based on sex/play ("I will do this IF you do aftercare afterwards") which he repeatedly neglected to respect.  

That he also fell asleep with you still tied up is deeply irresponsible (with or without consent) and he, frankly, should not be engaging in this with anyone if he's going to leave them in a situation which is dangerous (which, being tied for lengthily times, is) 

-

In context; you don't need to feel like you're ruining his life to be assured he was in the wrong here - and you are in the right - and, I'd hope he has learnt from mistakes with future, or prospective future, partners.

[DaddysHome]

In the moment when you were having sex you were agreeing to do it so no it's not rape. However the fact that he did not hold up his end of the deal does make him lazy and selfish but not a rapist.

[ca****]

My take on it - having just read it  - so hope i have understood 

 

But sexually - i see it as consensual - as I believe you consented to the sex......   

If you had some kind of agreement prior then he obviously did not play his part post sex - as you have stated and by the sounds of it this has been a repeated behaviour - so regards that I would say he wasn't that responsible or caring towards your needs (at the time in question).  The leaving you tied by the neck - would cause be great concern and i imagine many would see that as some form of abuse.

On reflection it kinda suggest that he may well do the same in future relationships / 'agreements' - so maybe a warning there.

Also from your point of view - it maybe a good learning that you can take responsibility for your self / your actions - ie after it had happened  once / maybe twice - then it is time to say NO and not allow it to happen. 

Regards how it is playing on your mind - i feel firstly you should feel no blame or beat yourself up for it.  It seems it was a relationship and experience that had its good elements and its no so good elements.  (most do!)   You were not in the wrong but experienced something that was not great for you and at that time maybe didnt know how to deal with it.   But use the experience for good - learn from it and will help you in future relationships i am sure.

I think you are doing the right thing to ask questions and seek what others think about it -  always helpful.

 

 

[DaddysHome]

If your still unsure it's probably best to talk to a legal expert or even the police rather than everyone on here

[cautiousswitch]

Unless his attitude has changed he shouldn't be working for a rape crisis centre. So far as outing him though, you are going to have to share this story if you do and you will probably be asked if you are going to charge him with rape if you share the story.

The first few times he did it after you asked him not to was clearly non-consensual, he lied in order to sleep with you.  The whole point of age of consent is that the person is old enough to know and understand what they are getting into, creating false expectations is considered creating a non-consensual situation.  That you kept sleeping with him when this expectation was never fulfilled starts to make it look consensual unless you were to argue mental defect.  You were young, weed was involved the first time, you lost weight somewhat dangerously as a result of the ongoing process.  Still, it would take a therapist to determine if you kept doing this by compulsion or through consent.

 

[ca****]

Didn't notice the rape centre reference.....  that is very alarming (in my eyes and ears!)

[Wo****]

Talk to a rape crisis centre, or a medical professional. Please.

As others have pointed out, the issue of consent might be cloudy, but regardless you need help with this.

Talk to someone, and in my personal opinion this guy shouldn't be working where he is. 

 

[Deleted Member]

In my opinion this would be something someone should talk about with a psychologist! Someone experienced with this kind of situations. I would not recommend anyone to do or say something irrational, because that could make the whole situation worse.
So take a telephone book or visit a mental health facility in your area and try to get an appointment or first interview.
It also can help your very own mental situation. I mean if you have your problems for seven years, then it is important to get some help. For you!
And don't mind about people thinking you would be a sick person. The right approach of thinking would be more likely - each and everyone has it's own struggling in life, somehow hard problems with the dealings of feelings, thoughts or a combination of both. It's just a matter of why and when.

The first interview will also show how you could react or even if it would be better to involve the police! Please, don't think i would point my finger on you. It's more likely the other way around, to protect! Because whatever comes next, if irrational OR rational way, it can also become a hard time for you too.

Edited March 30, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Phoenyx]

You are NOT overreacting!  The guy was an abusive POS.  So many people will tell you, to try to put it all behind you.  Obviously, that is not going to happen.  What you need to do, is turn this into a positive experience.  You have survived this.  You are stronger now, because of it.  You have seen all of the signs.  You can spot people like him from a block away.  You have witnessed what not to do in a relationship.  You will never make the same mistakes.  You have learned something, that many take a lifetime to discover.  You are now above this.  Guys like him, you now scrape from the bottom of your shoes.  Time to assume the dominant role.  Don't be afraid of it.  Feel it.  The world is anxious for you to share what you have learned.

[Wo****]

26 minutes ago, phoenyx said:

What you need to do, is turn this into a positive experience.  You have survived this.  You are stronger now, because of it. 

Agreed....

I have more to add but need to think about it first.

[ca****]

I would also consider discussing this with some kind of therapist (as mentioned above) - certainly proved to be a positive experience for me 

Hopefully you would get good advice in a safe / controlled place to discuss and try to unravel the experience.

Edited March 30, 2020 by callipygian

[Ar****]

You're not over-reacting. He didn't just disrespect you and make you feel awful, he literally endangered your life.

 

The issue of consent may be a little cloudy (you consented to the act of sex - you did not consent to the abusive treatment which followed), but his behaviour was clearly wrong and is of great concern now that he works where he does. You gave him conditions; he ignored them, took advantage, and made excuses. Pathetic excuses at that.

 

Naïvety in our youth has much to answer for, and the benefit of hindsight comes too late to us all. Still, it is a strong gesture you have taken sharing your experience in this way, and I applaud your bravery. Now is the time to build on it as you grow and process. You can decide how this will affect you going forward, and what if anything you choose to do about it.

 

Whatever you decide there is a great community here, and it will support you whenever you need advice. Please look after yourself.

Edited March 30, 2020 by Aranhis
Spelling autocorrect error

[Breduckies]

I would go to his job and tell what happened you don't have to use his name or anything but if he works there now then he need to know that what he did was basically that but only do it if you comfortable and feel lile your able to ❤✌

[Tw****]

no you are not over reacting aftercare big part of it x

[Tw****]

and that's what aftercare is safe space for you to feel loved and cared for x

[Wo****]

Thought about sending this in a PM but it could help others, so...

 

I've survived rape. I was 17 and had never had sex.

I beg you to talk to someone about this, i'm happy to listen. I know it's hard. Kinda been there so y'know, if you wanna vent or throw ideas arond...

One of the worst experiences of my life, or accepting it and all that entailed, was the most life changing moment. I'd carried around guilt, and shame, that's who i became. Guilty and ashamed. And scared, so scared.

The impact this has had on you, and will continue to have, can be positive, you have the chance to look at this, process it, acknowledge it and forgive yourself.

 

He disregarded/forgot limits and boundaries. Falling asleep while you were restrained, especially by your neck, that's not good.

 

You've been carrying this around for seven years..... you gotta offload it.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

But not with anyone here! Not even with a "nice experienced hobby psychological interested person". What is wrong with you people? Giving advice in a situation you cannot even imagine...

Yeah, surrre! @Breduckies She could just fuck his job-situation up, protect one or two girls in the process. BUT what if this guy is in fact a lunatic and she becomes a target?! Think again, before putting up a line like that into the text field...

There are many very good reasons why a professional person should hear her out, help her out and maybe even take her hand and go all the way, till it is everything save and in order. Like i tried to say: There are rational ways and very much irrational ones!

Alone what some of you just "write out here" can make a huge difference in one real persons life here. Who are you people to do that, without thinking it trough. We are in no Hollywood movie...

[Wo****]

12 minutes ago, handlungsbedarf said:

But not with anyone here! Not even with a "nice experienced hobby psychological interested person". What is wrong with you people? Giving advice in a situation you cannot even imagine...

Yeah, surrre! @Breduckies She could just fuck his job-situation up, protect one or two girls in the process. BUT what if this guy is in fact a lunatic and she becomes a target?! Think again, before putting up a line like that into the text field...

There are many very good reasons why a professional person should hear her out, help her out and maybe even take her hand and go all the way, till it is everything save and in order. Like i tried to say: There are rational ways and very much irrational ones!

Alone what some of you just "write out here" can make a huge difference in one real persons life here. Who are you people to do that, without thinking it trough. We are in no Hollywood movie...

Just to clarify something....

Some of us can imagine. Some of us have lived through it.

 

[Deleted Member]

I'm very sorry for what you have endured and had to go through. But you are wrong! Nobody can imagine something that another person lived through. Everything that we experience, even the slightest little thing, like a little physical pain feels different for anyone. One person even would experience from this physical pain some sort of mental pain too. Another one would thrive, enjoy and like it. Yet another would simply feel nearly nothing at all. 
So we can try to get a grasp of what it's like, sure! But we only comprehend in a way with our own experiences and knowledge about things that would be similar. That's a fact! 

But i don't only mean that part by "cannot imagine". There are so much aspects and factors we don't see here. It's like another whole world we are talking about. And we don't just talk about how someone could become better with a bullwhip.
Trust me, if i would be in her area, my first response would've been a mail, with a kind offer to get an appointment and accompany her. But i'm not! And i bet you would do the same, since you have a similar experience and know how helpful it can be to have someone with you along the way. Your offering is nothing else. You would do whatever you can to make the next steps easier for her.

I don't know your paths and experiences, but mine tell me with very loud sirens: "Encourage this person to get real, professional help! First of all to get better and live a more enjoyable life in the future and then again to clear the situation and get everything with the right people on her side in order." 
 

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Just to clarify something....

Some of us can imagine. Some of us have lived through it.

 

Exactly. And not everybody wants to go to a professional, it isn't always right for them. Sometimes the best therapy is simply a little human compassion and empathy.

[Wo****]

21 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Exactly. And not everybody wants to go to a professional, it isn't always right for them. Sometimes the best therapy is simply a little human compassion and empathy.

Couldn't agree more. My first breakthrough was to feel heard, believed and understood.

 

[Wo****]

26 minutes ago, handlungsbedarf said:

I'm very sorry for what you have endured and had to go through. But you are wrong! Nobody can imagine something that another person lived through. Everything that we experience, even the slightest little thing, like a little physical pain feels different for anyone. One person even would experience from this physical pain some sort of mental pain too. Another one would thrive, enjoy and like it. Yet another would simply feel nearly nothing at all. 
So we can try to get a grasp of what it's like, sure! But we only comprehend in a way with our own experiences and knowledge about things that would be similar. That's a fact! 

But i don't only mean that part by "cannot imagine". There are so much aspects and factors we don't see here. It's like another whole world we are talking about. And we don't just talk about how someone could become better with a bullwhip.
Trust me, if i would be in her area, my first response would've been a mail, with a kind offer to get an appointment and accompany her. But i'm not! And i bet you would do the same, since you have a similar experience and know how helpful it can be to have someone with you along the way. Your offering is nothing else. You would do whatever you can to make the next steps easier for her.

I don't know your paths and experiences, but mine tell me with very loud sirens: "Encourage this person to get real, professional help! First of all to get better and live a more enjoyable life in the future and then again to clear the situation and get everything with the right people on her side in order." 
 

No one is suggesting she doesn't get professional help.

 

All I am saying is that i know from personal experience that sometimes, the first step is talking to someone who listens.

 

I am a masochistic submissive who adores anal. I was raped, i orgasmed during it. I accepted that it wasn't my fault, that i was turned on by the adrenaline and the physical reactions. I submit because it gives me back the control, because i choose to submit. I enjoy physical pain because it's a release of my emotional pain.

I've been in therapy, for another issue, but know what every single person (professional) advises? (And i've seen substance abuse counsellors, doctors, hypnotherapists, cognitive behaviour therapists, MIND, and a womens domestic abuse group...... TALK TO SOMEONE. Talk to a friend you trust"

 

So, my points stand.

[3S****]

There is such a thing as rape by deception, this is lying to get sex and can cover a whole host of lies, pretty sure he could be classed as doing this if he said he would give you after care yet didn't. Having him doing this consistently over a 2 year period also seems that he wasn't doing it by accident or being inconsiderate.
I know this isn't the main issue but there are laws against this because people decided a law was needed to stop people lying to get sex out of others because it's not right or fair to do that and can harm the victim. No way are you overreacting.

Just because he did this to you does not mean you are responsible. I include you do not have to report him or be responsible for anything he does while working that job. If you don't feel capable right now, or any time, of reporting him that is fine and not your issue to deal with. Right now i think you need to focus on making sure you are safe and work towards the life you want for yourself that keeps you safe and feeling ok. If you ever do want to report him i hope you get support with that but don't feel like you have to.

This is just advice, you don't have to take it and i hope you're ok. You deal with this any way you can because it's not easy however you choose to do it.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

@Justhere4info I am going to try to keep this simple (only because I tend to ramble).

Personally, I am a sensual man who enjoys the intimacy of physical touch. For me, aftercare is just as fun as foreplay and sex. I also believe, like so many others, that aftercare is essential.

You wanted a glass of water, or maybe for him to pull your skirt up. That is the gesture of a decent person, and you are not overreacting at all.

Please take heed of the excellent advice of my fellow kinksters, and I hope that you find someone who will treat you better.

Edited March 30, 2020 by Deleted Member