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Was this consensual? Advice please, also trigger warning just in case


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 Hi, Justhere4info: 

When it was obvious he wasn't going to change his ways, is there any reason you were compelled to stay with him? A lease on a house, joint bank account, something like that?  I'm all for giving people chances, but I have found that if they don't respond, or make good on any promises to change, then after three goes at it, it's best to move on, because they are not taking you seriously.

Everyone has different reactions to such a situation and none of them are 'wrong'.  Talk to a counsellor, a friend, a help line when you feel ready to do so.  You've felt ready to tell us, which is a great step forward.  Well done, you.

You are NOT over reacting.  You've been incredibly brave to speak up.

My legal background is a bit rusty and you're in the US, where laws seem to vary from state to state - but I believe it will come down to the fact that the sex was consensual. Obtaining sex by deception may be a valid place in law to look, depending on the laws where you are.  A  counsellor dealing with *** crises would know.  At present, it comes down to his word against yours.  He lied to you most successfully, taking advantage of your youth and naivety - he'll lie to others just as successfully.  

This man is immature,  an idiot and a liar, and unfortunately, there's no legislation anywhere in the world for bringing charges for immature idiocy.  All men do NOT fall asleep immediately after having sex - he does. Aftercare is vital - he's dismissed your feelings and needs, which you  explained carefully and often to him, as of no value.

While it would be most tempting to go to his work place and make his actions known, you'd only succeed in making life a bit uncomfortable for him for a short space of time; a tenner says he'll lie his way out of it; and you'll land yourself in legal hot water for defamation, slander and a whole array of other interesting charges. I found it ironic that he works in a *** crisis centre, then I realised that he may well get a kick out of it.

With the introduction of BDSM into the mainstream, there's a lot of blurring as to what constitutes ***, consensual ***, ***, consensual *** and I hope it's not too long before there's a big overhaul of legislation world wide.  


4 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

I've survived ***. I was 17 and had never had sex. You've been carrying this around for seven years..... you gotta offload it.

Listen to this lady!!! :heart:


4 hours ago, handlungsbedarf said:

But not with anyone here! Not even with a "nice experienced hobby psychological interested person". What is wrong with you people? Giving advice in a situation you cannot even imagine...Alone what some of you just "write out here" can make a huge difference in one real persons life here. Who are you people to do that, without thinking it trough. We are in no Hollywood movie...

To state that some of us are only responding to this lady as 'nice experienced hobby psychological interested persons'  isn't very nice. There are those of us who choose to talk about such experiences, others choose not to.  You have also given advice in this situation, handlungsbedarf. That's OK - this lady has asked, and we've responded, because most of us will respond instinctively to a fellow human in crisis with whatever help we can offer. Most of us would try to move an accident victim away from a burning car wreck, which others would consider a stupid thing to do - he may have internal injuries that'll be made worse if he's moved. But if that petrol tank explodes, he'll burn to death. This is where we are right now. This lady has survived a car wreck - we are doing our best to shift her away before the car explodes.

And you're quite right - what is written out there without thought or due care CAN make a huge difference to one real person's life -  you've made a difference to my life today, handlungsbedarf.

When things are hard to talk about we often DO turn to someone anonymous so WE can be anonymous - the lady on the Samaritan line, or a group of kinksters  with screen names in a forum.  We'll never meet them - we'd pass them in the street and never know - what we say will never be connected to us.  It's safe to do it.

As Aranhis says, sometimes the therapy that's needed is just to tell the story to someone who will listen, believe and NOT judge. That's why this lady is here, talking to us now. It may be all that's needed, the reassurance that she was not over-reacting and that not all Doms are immature idiots.  Or here may be the jump off point for her to seek professional help.  

Justhere4info, we all wish you well, and the very best. It'd be great if you could let us know how you get on. Sending you blessings, rapid healing, a good resolution and love. :heart: You do what you feel is the best and healthiest for you.


😘what a beautiful heart felt honest writing my friend, inspirational 😘

19 hours ago, handlungsbedarf said:

But not with anyone here! Not even with a "nice experienced hobby psychological interested person". What is wrong with you people? Giving advice in a situation you cannot even imagine...

Really?!  I'm reading a few of posts from folks, who can not only imagine the situation, but, who have actually been through something similar (or worse).  Think about it.  Often, you can learn more from someone who has been through Hell, than from some pampered spawn of the rich, whose parents just happened to by him/her a doctorate degree, but ultimately, has only read about Hell.


I feel also; professional help is often, on paper, the correct answer - but - a lot of folk who've been for 'professional help' haven't always got the support they needed especially not first time

speaking of my experiences in the UK - if you are unable to pay, you can often be stuck on waiting lists and wait a seriously long time to be seen.  Sometimes they'll try to poke you onto online programmes - and I did have a paid-for counsellor that my work paid for that, well, wasn't that great.  (this was just general MH issues)

my knowledge of the system in the US is that a lot is insurance based as of who you can access and a lot at lower tiers of insurance are not often that great.  So, seeking pro help can be expensive and prohibitive.

I'm still not saying folk shouldn't do this - but I think sometimes - in this case - the reassurance that the feelings were valid is certainly a first big step.  Because that's the difference between "something happened to me that was bad and I need help processing it" versus "something happened to me and it wasn't bad but it negatively affected me and I need help processing it" which are different lines entirely.

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