A forgotten basic, in the BDSM community and in general

[Ar****]

I was going to start by telling you all about an especially vile - and bizarre - encounter I recently had (not this week, the week before) which led me to wanting to make this post. Except I've realised, the message doesn't need it. 

 

A lot of posts get made asking for advice about different aspects of our community, and a great deal gets made about rules. How things ought to be done. Protocol. Etiquette. These things have their place, but especially as this world has opened up and become more accessible (which is not inherently a good thing) some of the simpler tenets (fun, enjoyment!) have become lost amongst the noise. 

 

I'm not here to start a debate, although I do want to share a lesson. I look around and I see conflict on almost every thread. People seeking a reason to take things the wrong way, making assumptions about each other, dragging other down in some ghastly misguided effort to pull themselves to some perceived "top". Only, when we make an effort to co-operate and respect one another, that is when the whole community rises and we all benefit. 

 

So my back-to-basics Kink Academy tip for today, is simply to be kind. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your kinky p*ers, be kind to your prospective partners in vetting and negotiation, be kind to those you are in dynamics with, be kind to those people you don't get along or disagree with. Your connections will be better for it. 

 

I can already hear the naysayers shouting that it's a cutthroat world and you have to fight for your place, fight for attention, stand out. To those with that mentality I would say you must have heard the proverb you catch more flies with honey that with vinegar. How is being a d**k/b*tch working out for you so far? 

 

It's a rough, bitter world out there at the moment folks, and we never truly know what the next person is going through. Enjoy your weekend 🧡

[Si****]

Preach, Brother!!

[lucylatex46]

Thankyou for your comment I agree

[ea****]

100% great advice

[Deleted Member]

It's a shame it has to be said but hopefully people will read this and re think their approach.

I think it's likely there's a huge amount of altrer egos on this platform, from people who have never experiance a real D/S relationship.

They need to understand that above anything, a relationship is built on respect and trust first. You can't assume every person on here is like the actress you saw on your favourite kink dot com video.

[BruiseWayne]

I mean yeah who's going to argue against the idea that we should all be nicer to each other. The sad fact of the matter is that unfortunately a lot of times behavior that we might consider toxic gets rewarded. Or on a broader scale, there's no real accountability for acting like a POS on a site where it's essentially a bunch of strangers interacting with other strangers. Beyond all that people will twist their brains into a pretzel coming up with every rationalization and justification under the sun for why the things they do are just fine simply so that they can maintain their own personal sense of being a 'good person' and being in the right.

The only real pressure you have to steer people in the right direction is social. Unless there's a shift in the community at large that doing certain things is unacceptable, frowned upon, or something that completely excludes you from being a member of the community entirely people are going to continue acting in a contentious, confrontational, and unpleasant manner.

And yeah like you said a lot of that is due to kink being opened up to a wider audience in the past 10+ years or so. Any time something gets too big and too popular it's going to start to trend towards the lowest common denominator. That's just how it goes.

Even though gatekeeping is considered cringe now there's a reason people used to do it to protect the integrity of their communities and their scenes, be it kink or whatever else.

[po****]

Sadly I've found a lot of smug gatekeeping in the kink community. I'm sure there's people not like that out there, but that's been a lot of my experience

[Se****]

You know I love you but there are things you say that make me love you more - this is one of those things.

 Unfortunately, the people who need to read, understand and comprehend this likely won’t and I wish that was different.

 It is far too easy to be unkind from the safety of a screen and a keyboard and I’ve likely been guilty of it on more than one occasion despite trying not to be. That said, where I realise it I do try to apologise and learn.

 At the very least, if you can’t be kind at least be polite - personally, I’d prefer both.

 Thanks beautiful man for you, your words and god always being there when I’ve experienced unkindness.

X

[al****]

I can't agree more.

I've recently been told that I'm not dominant enough. I explained that during the vetting process, I'm respectful, polite, and reserved. To be blunt, you haven't earned my dominance.

I call it 50 shades of fantasy 😎

[Ar****]

15 minutes ago, alpha420fet said:

I can't agree more.

I've recently been told that I'm not dominant enough. I explained that during the vetting process, I'm respectful, polite, and reserved. To be blunt, you haven't earned my dominance.

I call it 50 shades of fantasy 😎

Mmmm, this! 

I've had a somewhat turbulent year or two so have not engaged in seeking a partner as often as I formerly would, but have definitely noticed a pattern in more recent times of potentials I speak to appearing "bored" and stopping replying because I'm talking to them in-depth about mutual interests, hobbies, wants, likes etc. and haven't dove in telling them what I want to do with/to them in the first 24 hours.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested or attracted to them, quite conversely it means the opposite and I want to be certain there's a solid chance we will have good chemistry outside of the bedroom and kink too, before the beast is unleashed.

[Si****]

43 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

have definitely noticed a pattern in more recent times of potentials I speak to appearing "bored" and stopping replying because I'm talking to them in-depth about mutual interests, hobbies, wants, likes etc. and haven't dove in telling them what I want to do with/to them in the first 24 hours.

Glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed this. I want to know the whole person, not just the kinky part. If I want to just top a scene with a random then there is a club full of them down the road. When I want to enter into something more meaningful then I take my time. Partly for safety, and to really know who I’m getting involved with and partly to weed out the fakes as they get bored quickly!

[Ki****]

I just had a first message tonight bashing me and my profile. Why even take the time to type the hate? Just keep scrolling if you don’t like what you see. Or block and you don’t have to see it again. Sadly, I do think it’s just reflective of a larger problem everywhere. People seem to have lost civility along with the understanding of how to communicate. 

[Ma****]

I can fully say that being kind is the most effective way. The best doms are the kind doms, even when they are punishing you

[Ar****]

38 minutes ago, Kitanya said:

I just had a first message tonight bashing me and my profile. Why even take the time to type the hate? Just keep scrolling if you don’t like what you see. Or block and you don’t have to see it again. Sadly, I do think it’s just reflective of a larger problem everywhere. People seem to have lost civility along with the understanding of how to communicate. 

It's saddening... I'm sorry to learn you've been on the end of that just now. It is a reflection on them though, not you. Wishing you more peace and positivity in your future engagements. 

[Th****]

What a thoughtful post! I don't believe in karma as such, but I think if people behave in a certain way they will eventually find doors closed, bridges burned and messages left unanswered.
Please don't engage, especially emotionally.

[Si****]

2 hours ago, Kitanya said:

 

I just had a first message tonight bashing me and my profile.

 

OK, I’ve got to ask, what on earth did they manage to find to complain about? Your profile looks awesome to me!

[Se****]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Mmmm, this! 

I've had a somewhat turbulent year or two so have not engaged in seeking a partner as often as I formerly would, but have definitely noticed a pattern in more recent times of potentials I speak to appearing "bored" and stopping replying because I'm talking to them in-depth about mutual interests, hobbies, wants, likes etc. and haven't dove in telling them what I want to do with/to them in the first 24 hours.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested or attracted to them, quite conversely it means the opposite and I want to be certain there's a solid chance we will have good chemistry outside of the bedroom and kink too, before the beast is unleashed.

I wish everyone shared your views x

[Se****]

2 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed this. I want to know the whole person, not just the kinky part. If I want to just top a scene with a random then there is a club full of them down the road. When I want to enter into something more meaningful then I take my time. Partly for safety, and to really know who I’m getting involved with and partly to weed out the fakes as they get bored quickly!

Very refreshing to hear, I sincerely wish (as I just said to Aranhis) that more people felt this way. There’s something ridiculously sexy about getting to know someone when conversation just flows and you ask each other questions and learn how the other ticks. 

[ph****]

It's really disheartening that this is where we've devolved. Everything nowadays is a power struggle. As I always say: don't be a dumba**

[al****]

20 hours ago, 4RCH said:

OK, I’ve got to ask, what on earth did they manage to find to complain about? Your profile looks awesome to me!

I second that

[wp****]

Empathy and kindness are core values of mine in all facets of my life

[Sa****]

Kindness and respect go a looooong way!

[ch****]

Two truths i have learned, 1 the more "civilized" a place becomes, the less civilized the people behave. 2 the more anonymous they are the more thier a** shows. I prefer to talk and establish a level if mutual trust before asserting anything.

[Deleted Member]

I refuse to be a prick, no matter how many times I have been done wrong by someone being a b*tch towards me!
I live by the golden rule of treating others better than I would prefer them to treat me…unless they want me to spank them for being a “bad girl”. 😉
By doing so, not only do I cut the cycle of *** and subsequent abusing, but maybe, just maybe I will be rewarded with my kinky vixen 😋

[Mi****]

👏👏👏