Da**** Posted May 11 I actually just spent the better part of the last year with a woman who was asexual. I thought I could handle it, but I am dependent upon human touch and it just kinda fell apart. With her telling me she didn't love me for months, while telling me that every day.
Deleted Member Posted May 11 I think sometimes love isn't enough. Not for this. I was in a relationship for 10 years and it was the most vanilla relationship in the world. BJ on birthdays kinda vanilla. Then I met a woman and spent 4 years with her and had the BEST sex I have ever had with her and she was open to exploring. Sometimes you're just not with the right person, it's sad, but it's true. They need to accept all aspects of you.
Lo**** Posted May 11 You are not alone....but doung the right thing when you love somebody so much can be extremely difficult fathom out in your head. Especially when you're adhd and already have 100 other things to think about!
Da**** Posted May 11 @pleasuredomsuf, you hit the nail on the head!! ADHD and overthinking and the hyper focus on the overthinking..... It's bad sometimes
Lo**** Posted May 11 At the same time everyone says to change the situation but love and care and a live together is hard just to put aside, first fight for it and if it’s going nowhere then finish it. I would love to hope for that myself. Now I’m in the fighting for it bit. And god I hope it works.
Deleted Member Posted May 11 It's why I currently lean towards dating switches and am very upfront about what I want. . One of my exes used to recite Pi or something in his head during missionary sex to stay hard and not prematurely orgasm, but refused to either adjust or allow me to adjust enough for him to stroke my g-spot. This is someone who was aquaphilic and denied both of us the pleasure of me squirting during sex. It got to the point where I began go understand the joke of of the housewife staring up during sex and thinking, "Beige. I think I'll ***t the ceiling ... beige." It was only part of the reason we broke up, but for someone who could talk a good game about wanting passion and abandonment and whatever, he was a stubborn motherfucker during and rather whiny after. . Once I finally had a lover who was paying attention to my sounds and movements and could repeat what he'd gone to elicit the stronger ones, he actually told me in detail what he'd been doing because ... how the fuck would I know? I don't have eyes down there, and apparently saying "Do that again" was not enough for past partners. Those details led me towards getting the most reliable vibrator I've ever owned, and allowed me to give explicit instructions to new lovers who ... have been rather iffy in their ability to follow instructions. 😕 But I'm less likely to get told that I'm the one who is somehow deficient because I didn't orgasm, so it's an improvement. . 6 hours ago, Sweetheart2025 said: I have on a couple of occasions but about 6 months ago we had a talk that kinda broke me. Again I was suggesting that we try different things or even try having sex more regularly. He said something along the lines of " I'm too tired for all that, I work full time, you're at home with our child, of course you've got energy" and " I just like sex as it is and it shouldn't have to be extra work" that extra work statement broke me... Something inside me closed off. Now here's the thing.... I know my husband and I love him. I think there are multiple factors that are preventing him from being more sexually open. 1. His weight has gone up a lot since the pandemic. (For the record ,I don't care!)But it's made it physically impossible for him to be on top and I think that's effected his self esteem. 2. Health problems. He has type 1 diabetes, an interactive thyroid and high *** pressure. All of which he needs to take meds for. Which effects his ability not just to have sex but just physical activity in general. 3. Our dynamic has changed. I've become more of his carer than wife. I pick up his meds, help his meal prep and do 100% of the housework and childcare. It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone you physically have to care for. Sorry for the long post... I know this is a fetish website not a therapy one. But god! It sucks. I feel like a shit wife for being on a sex website... But at the same time I'm a woman and I have needs. It's just hard..😔 I never reproduced, but my understanding is that being any sort of parent - let alone a house-spouse - is quite taxing. The fact that you're horny and still desired your spouse before he started making even that a challenge is fairly impressive. . I sympathize with how much your spouse is going through: health challenges, medication, etc. are no joke. However, there has to be more than one person in a marriage. . (SPOILER WARNING FOR A 28 YEAR OLD FILM) . I'm remembering a subplot from The Full Monty in which one of the men who saw the reaction to the Chippendale-like show was a middle-aged man with a bad-bod, and became convinced that he wife couldn't desire him anymore. He turned away from her, and she got hurt thinking that he wasn't attracted to her. Per movie logic, they had a good talk about it and began shagging like mad again. . (SPOILER ENDS) . Some people don't start getting it until physical advances happen, otherwise it's just theoretical. I don't now if you've tried crawling up your husband's body and straddling him to seduce him, giving him little touches throughout the day, etc. I know that you're not as attracted to him as you used to be, but maybe it's something you can give a go just in the name of research, if you haven't already. . Is he watching a lot of porn and masturbating to take care of what desires he does have? While leading into your not-sexy role as his caretaker, if there are parental controls for his devices maybe you can lock him out of them to help him focus on you? Indeed, some people use chastity devices to not only address porn addiction, but in an attempt to re-focus desire on the key holder. . 7 hours ago, arnhem961 said: He's your husband, you're married. Part of the vows, would be to have his support for things that you struggle with or are dear to you. . The way I see it, you should be direct and open to him about you being desperate to explore your sexuality. And that you only see 2 options left: either he goes along with your wishes himself, or he should be supportive in you finding someone else to experience sexual things with. Because if he can't choose either, then I'm afraid this may be cause for you to divorce him. . Maybe he never realized that he WILL lose you. Assuming he hasn't lost you already. Because him being dismissive towards you seems to tell me he isn't much of a loving/empathic man? . ^^^ This. All of this. OMG, yes. . The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom is an organization that offers an international Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) list. You may be able to find compatible therapists that way. . If he's just not up for trying, maybe responsible, open and honest non-monogamy would be the best option. It's not fair for him to hold you in a "I don't want you that way and nobody else gets you that way either" situation.
Ba**** Posted May 11 I've been in a relationship where i was very upfront with how freaky i am and how important having a matching partner is to me. He either completely lied or just lost interest but i had to leave the relationship because we kept trying for a year to find common ground just to end up both feeling unloved. If you live eachother always try but keep a personal inventory of your feelings. If its something you cant compromise on and he really doesnt want it. Leave before you get too hurt.
Ru**** Posted May 12 I totally understand where you're coming from, as someone who decided to end their 10 year relationship. Some questions that may help is what is he putting in to the relationship? Working full time definitely has the income covered... Is that it? What has he compromised on to help with the relationship? It certainly sounds like you're compromising a whole lot. What's the work he's willing to put in to continue the relationship?
Sw**** Posted May 12 Author @Griot Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I've read over it a couple of times and your so right about everything. I appreciate that you see both sides of this. It's too easy just to demonize my husband. But at the same time I can't wait around forever until he starts making an effort. It's like I'm the project manager of our relationship and that's a lot of work to take on. Maybe I should try and sit down and talk to him again, one last time. Before I actually seriously start looking for sex elsewhere.
Deleted Member Posted May 12 1 hour ago, Sweetheart2025 said: @Griot Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I've read over it a couple of times and your so right about everything. I appreciate that you see both sides of this. It's too easy just to demonize my husband. But at the same time I can't wait around forever until he starts making an effort. It's like I'm the project manager of our relationship and that's a lot of work to take on. Maybe I should try and sit down and talk to him again, one last time. Before I actually seriously start looking for sex elsewhere. In “When Someone You Love is Kinky,” one of the suggestions Easton and Liszt give to mismatched couples if opening the relationship for certain experiences. Hey, swingers exist. 🤷🏾♀️ If he won’t change and he won’t open up the relationship, then whatever his challenges are … he’s not prioritizing you and your marriage. Good luck with your next discussion!
Mo**** Posted May 12 Aye that's a pretty disappointing response to be fair. See if he will have a conversation about you having a hall pass if he's not interested. Might give him the kick up the arse he needs to either make more of an effort in communicating with you, or he'll dig his heels in, in which case you have no doubt about your compatibility. It's not unreasonable to have needs, but it is to chastise someone you love because you're not into it.
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