Is it unusual not to use a safe word in BDSM play?

[Twinkle-7988]

Is it unusual to not have a safe word during BDSM punishment? It seems rather dangerous to me as some of the rules that I will always have to stick to are not well thought out or considerate of my circumstances. I believe I would set myself up to fail from the start. 

[Deleted Member]

Honestly that’s more common then you think as some people focus more on the punishment then their actual safety

[Deleted Member]

This is very concerning and you should not be contemplating submitting under these circumstances

[PixieDust]

I find this very disturbing,  safety words are there for a reason and that is to keep you safe and I would be disengaging from play if these are not in place or agreed to prior. 

Your safety, well being and consent is paramount. 

[Mo****]

Everything that is done in this life is to degrees.  Punishments can be harsh, but NOT over the top if discussions have highlighted your thresholds, and this is where communication is essential.  That is why choosing the right dominant is sooo important.  It is your trust and well-being you are placing in his hands, so if in doubt - don't!

For me, I have to KNOW my submissive inside out, know her limitations through discussions, and then commence any activity on the lighter side and work up from there.  This is finding and pushing the limits, but safely and properly risk assessed.  

To just allow someone to beat your arse willy nilly is stupid, just as it is stupid from a dominants perspective to simply lay into your sub with no thought of consequences is stupid & dangerous.

We in this lifestyle get our kinks in different ways.  The aim is that We ALL have our needs met and satisfied, and once again from a dominants perspective, it is NOT my aim to violently *** my sub, and drive her away from me or this lifestyle.  Her safety and well-being are paramount.  So I urge you to discuss these things openly and honestly, and if you feel that the trust is not there, then don't do it, and if need be, walk away from your circumstances, rather than become a punching bag for some thug.

This is one of the dangers from hooking up with a beginner or worse, a pretender.

[Twinkle-7988]

Thank you all for your advice.  I ask a question and get told to Google it. He hasn't even asked about my limits. I'm supposed to be filling out a form which I haven'tbeen given which is a yes, no or maybe. He is very dismissive

[Deleted Member]

@Twinklethis male (I refused to even say man) is not a Dominant 

[Mo****]

1 minute ago, Twinkle said:

Thank you all for your advice.  I ask a question and get told to Google it. He hasn't even asked about my limits. I'm supposed to be filling out a form which I haven'tbeen given which is a yes, no or maybe. He is very dismissive

Twinkle, I really think that this guy is someone you don't want or need in your life.  You can do better than what he has to offer you.  I urge you to read the threads for submissives in the Forum section, and see for yourself what other dominants and submissives have had to say on different topics.  This life, does have some real dangers to it, and those dangers can range from physical and mental *** through to serious ***, and possibly even financial *** or possibly even death (extreme).

This life is suppose to be fun, exciting and fulfilling, not hard or dangerous, so your choice of a dominant is crucial.  And it may take some time to find the right one, so don't get disillusioned.  There is no end or use by date to this lifestyle.

Don't rush in, build trust, make sure he has displayed respect for you and your situation, and that he is prepared to communicate (which includes listening) with you. 

[Carnelian2]

2 hours ago, MossyBoy said:

Everything that is done in this life is to degrees.  Punishments can be harsh, but NOT over the top if discussions have highlighted your thresholds, and this is where communication is essential.  That is why choosing the right dominant is sooo important.  It is your trust and well-being you are placing in his hands, so if in doubt - don't!

For me, I have to KNOW my submissive inside out, know her limitations through discussions, and then commence any activity on the lighter side and work up from there.  This is finding and pushing the limits, but safely and properly risk assessed.  

To just allow someone to beat your arse willy nilly is stupid, just as it is stupid from a dominants perspective to simply lay into your sub with no thought of consequences is stupid & dangerous.

We in this lifestyle get our kinks in different ways.  The aim is that We ALL have our needs met and satisfied, and once again from a dominants perspective, it is NOT my aim to violently *** my sub, and drive her away from me or this lifestyle.  Her safety and well-being are paramount.  So I urge you to discuss these things openly and honestly, and if you feel that the trust is not there, then don't do it, and if need be, walk away from your circumstances, rather than become a punching bag for some thug.

This is one of the dangers from hooking up with a beginner or worse, a pretender.

I can relate to everything you have written. I wish everyone would be as balanced as you in their outlook.

[Ky****]

anyone that dismisses the idea of a safe word from the start is not really someone you want to be submitting to.  While with time you may find you don't need to use it at this stage its vital that you do since you need to be able to reach your limits not have them wildly exceeded.  OK 1 extra cane stroke after the agreed number to stretch limits, but you need to find what they are.  This you cannot do until you have played within your comfort zone.

[Deleted Member]

Twinkle, I raise my hand too and ask you to reconsider that guy candidature to be your Dom. He’s cutting corners, doesn’t look experienced and he might damage you emotionally and physically.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Twinkle said:

Thank you all for your advice.  I ask a question and get told to Google it. He hasn't even asked about my limits. I'm supposed to be filling out a form which I haven'tbeen given which is a yes, no or maybe. He is very dismissive

me advice.  

put him in the bin.

 

[Deleted Member]

Its one thing for a submissive to say they dont need to want a safe word (which is scary too by the way), but for a dom to say they dont want you to have one is so downright frightening.

If you continue down a path with this person, who's to say they will even listen to a safe word if you quite rightly insist upon one.

I would suggest just walking away before getting in too deep with someone who doesn't know how to be a good dom, or worse, one who doesn't want to be one.

[Twinkle-7988]

16 minutes ago, Bigbeardeddaddy42 said:

Its one thing for a submissive to say they dont need to want a safe word (which is scary too by the way), but for a dom to say they dont want you to have one is so downright frightening.

If you continue down a path with this person, who's to say they will even listen to a safe word if you quite rightly insist upon one.

I would suggest just walking away before getting in too deep with someone who doesn't know how to be a good dom, or worse, one who doesn't want to be one.

 

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

me advice.  

put him in the bin.

 

I have been trying to come up with a suitable response to his latest request. Decided he didn't deserve one. So binned and blocked.  

Thanks for your advice however I am reluctant to post again as I am now bombarded with messages from "True Dom's"

Take care and hope you stay safe x

2 hours ago, Kymi said:

anyone that dismisses the idea of a safe word from the start is not really someone you want to be submitting to.  While with time you may find you don't need to use it at this stage its vital that you do since you need to be able to reach your limits not have them wildly exceeded.  OK 1 extra cane stroke after the agreed number to stretch limits, but you need to find what they are.  This you cannot do until you have played within your comfort zone.

I understand this and its what I had expected to happen

[Ky****]

@Twinklere your problem with being bombarded have you checked whether you can set your filters to cut out some of these

[E-dUbBs]

@twinkle well done he sounds like bad news
Love this community we all watch out for each other it’s awesome

[Mo****]

Twinkle, don't ever be reluctant to post something.  If you don't know or are not sure, there are many good people here who will give their opinions and guidance, IF you want it.  None of us want to see you or anyone else for that matter, put at risk because some arsehole has no idea of what this life is about.  There are many experience subs here, who recently came out, so to speak, about some of their decisions in their early days, and if you were to ask them, they would say they wished they had this avenue back then, to help them realise that there were better ways and prospects.

On those messages your getting from "True Doms", evaluate them, to see if they are just out to prey, or are they real and  want to get to know you, with either  a view to a friendship or a possible relationship.

Remember, we are all like minded people who share a common interest in the life of kink.  Your a sub, and I'm a dom, but neither of us belong to the other, we are just people who share that common interest, and possibly a friendship.

Take care girl.

  

[Ky****]

@MossyBoy being one of them I wholeheartedly endorse that bit about wishing so much advice was as easily available years ago, or indeed that I'd used this forum a year ago since I was still making mistakes like this until lockdown caused me to start reading and commenting on forum, which has changed a lot of things.  Maybe its helped me see myself as a sub not a doormat. 

[Deleted Member]

It's not unusual, not everyone has a high tolerance for ***, so if you feel uncomfortable or it's too ***ful then use the safeword

[Vandalslut]

17 hours ago, Twinkle said:

Thank you all for your advice.  I ask a question and get told to Google it. He hasn't even asked about my limits. I'm supposed to be filling out a form which I haven't been given which is a yes, no or maybe. He is very dismissive

Binned and blocked?  Well done, Twinkle. Should you meet any others like this, run - do not walk - run - in the other direction from the would-bes-if-he-could-bes.  They're not Doms.  They're not even men. A responsible Dom will insist on a safe word, even if you don't think it's necessary, and will answer questions without reference to the Great God Google.  You've learnt a very necessary lesson without too much damage. Good luck in the future.

[cautiousswitch]

17 hours ago, Twinkle said:

Thank you all for your advice.  I ask a question and get told to Google it. He hasn't even asked about my limits. I'm supposed to be filling out a form which I haven'tbeen given which is a yes, no or maybe. He is very dismissive

Forms can be the fastest way to get to know someone, but should lead to a discussion rather than be seen as an absolute.  The yes, no, maybe as opposed to rating your experience or interest leaves too much room for interpretation on the dom/me's part if it isn't talked about after it's been filled out.  I'm curious what kind of questions he has on it and would appreciate you sharing some samples if he ever gives it to you.

I personally believe that the dominant should be the one to initiate conversation about limits and safety words.  They have a right to say that your limits don't meet their needs but that should end any D/s relationship between you rather than them trying to talk you into changing your limits.  Anything else is showing a lack of self control on their part and a dominant needs to have self control.

[Wo****]

You don't have to use a safe word but you should always have one to use.

 

 

[cautiousswitch]

1 minute ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

You don't have to use a safe word but you should always have one to use.

 

 

I've known a couple dommes who don't like safe words but would prefer to just be told what's wrong so that they can start correcting it immediately rather than risk not remembering what is meant by some strange word.  The sub still gets an out but they say stop instead of asparagus.

[Wo****]

2 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said:

I've known a couple dommes who don't like safe words but would prefer to just be told what's wrong so that they can start correcting it immediately rather than risk not remembering what is meant by some strange word.  The sub still gets an out but they say stop instead of asparagus.

Ah... but...

An example.

I'll say stop to pirate, I don't mean stop, it's a signal to change things, and that came about organically. My safe word is red, I've used it once.

Essentially though, in your scenario, there might not be an actual safe word because stop does the job.

[Mo****]

4 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said:

I've known a couple dommes who don't like safe words but would prefer to just be told what's wrong so that they can start correcting it immediately rather than risk not remembering what is meant by some strange word.  The sub still gets an out but they say stop instead of asparagus.

@cautiousswitch, it is really easy, if you hear that strange word, you STOP!  You don't know why the sub has said it, so it needs to be explained what the problem is, and not everyone, given where they are in subspace, can make much sense to with detailed conversation.  So it may take some time for them to regain their senses.  To simply continue by way of varying the type of actions, is simply unsafe.