Is it unusual not to use a safe word in BDSM play?

[Wo****]

1 minute ago, MossyBoy said:

@cautiousswitch, it is really easy, if you hear that strange word, you STOP!  You don't know why the sub has said it, so it needs to be explained what the problem is, and not everyone, given where they are in subspace, can make much sense to with detailed conversation.  So it may take some time for them to regain their senses.  To simply continue by way of varying the type of actions, is simply unsafe. 

When I used my safe word with Pirate, it was the first time we had anal sex, i didn't want to stop doing what we were doing but I did need to pause it, instantly, so I could tell him I didn't wanna stop but I needed to take it a little slower.

My safe word meant I had that instant breathing space.

[cautiousswitch]

16 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Ah... but...

An example.

I'll say stop to pirate, I don't mean stop, it's a signal to change things, and that came about organically. My safe word is red, I've used it once.

Essentially though, in your scenario, there might not be an actual safe word because stop does the job.

Right, you're in a relationship so the nuances of "stop" was able to develop for you.

I generally like the traffic light because you can use yellow to tone things down without coming to a complete stop or red to do a complete stop, so we generally use them but it's still preferred to state the problem rather than just say "red". 

I did an interrogation scene once where "stop" wouldn't work because it was a reasonable thing to say as role play.  Instead of saying "red" at one point I said, "my left arm is numb".  She knew to focus her attention on easing my arm and while she was doing it asked if I wanted a full stop or to continue.

I only stated the example as a reasonable alternate to a safe word.  If the sub would prefer a safe word over that method then they should use one.  It works for me because I'm a practical person and under duress it's easier for me to state the problem than remember a special word.  "Red" is easy enough because it is a warning sign so often.

[Wo****]

12 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said:

Right, you're in a relationship so the nuances of "stop" was able to develop for you.

I generally like the traffic light because you can use yellow to tone things down without coming to a complete stop or red to do a complete stop, so we generally use them but it's still preferred to state the problem rather than just say "red". 

I did an interrogation scene once where "stop" wouldn't work because it was a reasonable thing to say as role play.  Instead of saying "red" at one point I said, "my left arm is numb".  She knew to focus her attention on easing my arm and while she was doing it asked if I wanted a full stop or to continue.

I only stated the example as a reasonable alternate to a safe word.  If the sub would prefer a safe word over that method then they should use one.  It works for me because I'm a practical person and under duress it's easier for me to state the problem than remember a special word.  "Red" is easy enough because it is a warning sign so often.

Agreed..

Thinking about it you know...

I use "stop" when Pirate is whipping me, when i do, he changes what he does, either uses the flogger or something different somewhere else. Stop means calm it down a little.

Once he's done that, he checks in, asks if i'm ok to continue...

Red, on the other hand is stop.

 

I think the fact that Pirate can push me to my limit while not overstepping my boundaries is because we have, and use, our safe word.

[Deleted Member]

A safe “word” doesn’t always work. What if you’re gagged? So sometimes a safe “action” works really well instead. Like tapping your hand or nodding your head repeatedly. As always, it’s all about communication. And this can only happen effectively in a play scenario if there’s been prior communication about the communication methods to be used. Leaving it to chance, or making it up as you go along is in my view not only risky, but it’s also hugely disrespectful to your playmate. Whatever the scene that’s being played out, genuine care and consideration for the health and wellbeing of one’s playmate should be an underlying foundation for any play session. To do otherwise could be considered to be somewhat reckless. Nobody wants an ambulance crew to be part of their playtime...

[Ky****]

7 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Ah... but...

An example.

I'll say stop to pirate, I don't mean stop, it's a signal to change things, and that came about organically. My safe word is red, I've used it once.

Essentially though, in your scenario, there might not be an actual safe word because stop does the job.

yes that is a problem, in the heat of things we can't use a common word like stop because it can be misinterpreted, i.e. how many times have any said things like 'oh god, don't stop', there's stop whereas a strange word is recognisable as uh oh what's the problem, although in my case @LazyPiratesBounty I don't think a colour would work because I often describe things in terms of colours, especially red-for my clothes etc.

[Ky****]

@Fredddy loving being gagged I've always thought that a problem, nodding my head doesn't work for me since that tends to happen a lot when I'm being caned, for me its hold a small item in my hand, if I drop it then that's stop, of course sometimes I drop it by accident in which case I'll take it back in my hand to continue the punishment

[Mo****]

29 minutes ago, Kymi said:

@Fredddy loving being gagged I've always thought that a problem, nodding my head doesn't work for me since that tends to happen a lot when I'm being caned, for me its hold a small item in my hand, if I drop it then that's stop, of course sometimes I drop it by accident in which case I'll take it back in my hand to continue the punishment

Kymi, there is a small toy that clicks when you press it, and if you press it enough it sort of sounds like a cricket.  If you tape that to your finger, it can't be dropped and it only needs one finger/thumb to press it.  Or it can be pressed against something, like your leg/head/furniture, and the noise can not be mistaken.  Check out the toy stores. 

[Twinkle-7988]

23 hours ago, Kymi said:

@Twinklere your problem with being bombarded have you checked whether you can set your filters to cut out some of these

I haven't done. I will check it out thank you x

[Twinkle-7988]

23 hours ago, Kymi said:

@Twinklere your problem with being bombarded have you checked whether you can set your filters to cut out some of these

I haven't done. I will check it out thank you x

[Twinkle-7988]

He was reluctant to answer anything. I asked him what he did/used for punishment and he said whatever he decided

[Mo****]

5 minutes ago, Twinkle said:

He was reluctant to answer anything. I asked him what he did/used for punishment and he said whatever he decided

Twinkle, if my sub asks a question, no matter how trivial it might seem, I answer it, because there was obviously something in her mind to trigger it in the first place.  I also do or use whatever I decide, BUT, before we get to the point of an activity, we have talked openly and honestly first, so that I know if there is anything that concerns her.  She has to know deep within her heart, that whatever I decide to do, she trusts that her well-being and safety are paramount.  An example of that is that the girl that I have under consideration, rides track work for race horses.  She knows what a crop feels like already, but if I was to use a cane or whip, then we start with gentler or less harsh *** in order to find her limits.

In my mind, if we use kids as an example, when they were little we used the palm or wrist slap to discipline them, but as they got older, we switched away from that to smacking them on the cheek of the bum or back of the legs.  That is how we should be going with punishments for our subs.  I am not there to be violent and try to break their spirit. 

[Ky****]

49 minutes ago, Twinkle said:

He was reluctant to answer anything. I asked him what he did/used for punishment and he said whatever he decided

think answers like that should be included in a book of warning signs, anyone seriously taking this view is mistaking BDSM play for actually chattel slavery

[Twinkle-7988]

18 minutes ago, MossyBoy said:

Twinkle, if my sub asks a question, no matter how trivial it might seem, I answer it, because there was obviously something in her mind to trigger it in the first place.  I also do or use whatever I decide, BUT, before we get to the point of an activity, we have talked openly and honestly first, so that I know if there is anything that concerns her.  She has to know deep within her heart, that whatever I decide to do, she trusts that her well-being and safety are paramount.  An example of that is that the girl that I have under consideration, rides track work for race horses.  She knows what a crop feels like already, but if I was to use a cane or whip, then we start with gentler or less harsh *** in order to find her limits.

In my mind, if we use kids as an example, when they were little we used the palm or wrist slap to discipline them, but as they got older, we switched away from that to smacking them on the cheek of the bum or back of the legs.  That is how we should be going with punishments for our subs.  I am not there to be violent and try to break their spirit. 

I have come to realise that although I may not be experienced as some I know the difference between age play involvement with minors and pet play and sex with ***s which he doesn't. It was all rather one sided too early on for me

[Mo****]

8 minutes ago, Twinkle said:

I have come to realise that although I may not be experienced as some I know the difference between age play involvement with minors and pet play and sex with ***s which he doesn't. It was all rather one sided too early on for me

In my previous comment, I was not referring to age play.  I am a parent and when I was growing up, and likewise with my kids, when they deserved discipline, that was the degrees their punishment went through.

[Twinkle-7988]

12 hours ago, MossyBoy said:

In my previous comment, I was not referring to age play.  I am a parent and when I was growing up, and likewise with my kids, when they deserved discipline, that was the degrees their punishment went through.

Apologies I didn't mean you at all I meant the guy I was talking to. I'm going to leave for a bit now I'm getting rather anxious about it all. Thank you for your advice it is appreciated 

[Mo****]

On 5/5/2020 at 7:55 PM, Kymi said:

@MossyBoy being one of them I wholeheartedly endorse that bit about wishing so much advice was as easily available years ago, or indeed that I'd used this forum a year ago since I was still making mistakes like this until lockdown caused me to start reading and commenting on forum, which has changed a lot of things.  Maybe its helped me see myself as a sub not a doormat. 

Kymi, some want to be a doormat, and that's fine, if they really DO want to be a doormat.  I am not here to judge them, but if they're a doormat, because that's what their self esteem and confidence tells them, along with some shit opinion by some fucked pretender, then that's where they need guidance.  You have worked out you want to be a sub rather than a doormat, and good for you for realising that.  It is great to have this sort of venue to ask, and to seek guidance and advice, where no one will judge, and they are prepared to use their own activities/roles as examples to show your not alone.  We are all in this life together.

 

On 5/5/2020 at 4:17 PM, Carnelian2 said:

I can relate to everything you have written. I wish everyone would be as balanced as you in their outlook.

Carnelian, I don't know if I am as balanced as what you think, but I am honest, I won't try to con anyone, and I know what I would like from someone if I was in the subordinate role, and I most certainly wouldn't lower my standards, or just hand over control to them if I DIDN'T trust them implicitly.  For me, it's a standard, and I'm not prepared to lower them for any reason.

Edited May 7, 2020 by MossyBoy
spelling and grammar

[Wo****]

On 5/6/2020 at 8:13 AM, Kymi said:

@Fredddy loving being gagged I've always thought that a problem, nodding my head doesn't work for me since that tends to happen a lot when I'm being caned, for me its hold a small item in my hand, if I drop it then that's stop, of course sometimes I drop it by accident in which case I'll take it back in my hand to continue the punishment

I use a clicker....

We use it to communicate a few things, or have done... one click for I'm on the edge, pleaseeeeeee lemme cum, several for I need to be ungagged.

 

Agree red might not work for everybody, I think for us it works as its the traffic light system thing, my "stop" is probably amber.

As long as it's a word you'd not normally use, you both know what it is... could be any word.

[Ky****]

that's two advising clickers, must try it

[Wo****]

4 minutes ago, Kymi said:

that's two advising clickers, must try it

Do!

 

The fun really starts when you're clicker trained to cum 😊

[Ky****]

Just now, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Do!

 

The fun really starts when you're clicker trained to cum 😊

u make it sound like you should be LazyPavlovsBounty, lol, love to know how that training works

[Ky****]

5 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Do!

 

The fun really starts when you're clicker trained to cum 😊

Do! that sounds like a command, are you getting all switch on us? lol Pirate may have to keep an eye on the restraints and floggers, if your getting the habit of command never know where it might end lol

[Wo****]

😆😆

I'm just incredibly suggestible....

 

I've not really explored my Dominant side..... maybe I should 😋

[Deleted Member]

whatever method you use should be agreed before any action takes place - once the action starts, you may find that the DOM does not communicate except through his/her actions - it might depend on how well you know each other, how well you know the other person's background and experience in Dom/sub play - the less experienced you are, the more risky is the behaviour - the DOM can take advantage but still claim later that he/she took what you said  at face value and acted accordingly - if that means yogurt emotional/sexually/financially/physically hurt by the encounter then you may have only yourself to blame.

 

Been absolutely clear in your own  mind what you are asking/expecting from the other person - if unsure, do not take part - do not meet - find someone else with the experience - take it slowly, find out what you can tolerate, what works for you and stick with that - only through a lot of experience might you discover what path in life you want to take and with whom

 

It is all about TRUST and HONESTY - chat to the people with the same needs or desires as you - they may have advice that could prove useful and/or important to allow you to avoid the pitfalls and mistake shuteye may have made themselves before they too judged it was safe to meet up with people they may not have known beforehand - the safe situations and what safe word(s) or actions they have learn to adopt