BDSM Consent Is More Than Yes or No

BDSM consent means safe, sane, and consensual. In any sexual encounter, this should be a no-brainer, but in kink, it’s non-negotiable, says writer Kayla Lords.

BDSM consent and informed consent

The idea of informed consent means that all parties know what to expect, what a position will be like, or what a toy will feel like. Moreover, they'll have a general idea of what is going to happen in a scene. No, they don’t have to know you’re going to call them "a dirty little slut" just to watch them squirm or that you’re going to stand silently out of their line of sight in order to mind fuck them.

But you both need to know you’ll use a St. Andrew’s Cross or a spanking bench. You should know what a flogger feels like on your skin (yes, both top and bottom). You should know who’s going to be present and if anyone intends to participate - so you can give or withdraw consent. Details matter in BDSM consent so that everyone is kept safe and healthy.

BDSM consent doesn't kill the mood

Before anyone objects that going into that much detail will “kill the mood,” stop right there. Informed consent is what allows a bottom or submissive to give up control in a scene (or relationship). It’s no different than negotiations. In a negotiation, I’m told what the expectations for my behaviour will be (so there are no surprises).

In informed consent, I’m told what will be done to me, used on me, in what position, and where. Furthermore, in this type of BDSM consent, I'm given an opportunity to raise objections, ask questions, request modifications, or withdraw my consent completely.

Details matter in BDSM consent.

The importance of BDSM consent

Without informed consent, you might not know that your partner has bad knees and can’t get on a spanking bench. Additionally, you might not know that certain materials shouldn’t touch your partner’s skin (latex allergies come to mind). Without informed consent, you could hurt or endanger someone - which isn’t safe or sane.

When BDSM consent has been established, and both of you are informed about what to expect, that’s when you’re free to let go and have fun. Yes, you both know the flogger will be used, but your partner doesn’t know where it will land or how hard. Sure, you both agreed to bind your partner’s hands behind their back, but they don’t know you’re going to *** their nipples, which look so tempting when they’re thrust forward. Informed BDSM consent frees you both to enjoy the moment and worry a little less.

Taking responsibility

Every kinkster, top or bottom, needs to be responsible for understanding what will happen in a scene. Bottoms/submissives should ask questions and make sure they have touched and felt the sex toys that will be used. Furthermore, they should know who will participate and remember their safeword. Tops/Dominants should answer questions, try toys out on themselves first, and learn as much as they can before they try a new position or use new equipment.

In a kinky moment, it’s impossible to fully consent or stay safe and sane if you’re playing in the dark and don’t have a clue what you’re doing or what’s happening. You need more than a yes or no to really have consent: you need information before you can genuinely consent to kinky play.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.

What are your experiences of BDSM consent? How do you make sure everyone knows what to expect in a scene? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum.