Confused

[Laycette]

Yep I have had a lot of dickheads, doms that wrote a great letter, talked the talk but in the end, ghosted. Lied to, disrespected. There are arseholes out there. I have not given up and keep my standards high. Shake it off, learn, and go slower next time. Interrogate them! You will find the right one, who will make the effort to prove themselves andcearn you trust. Settle for nothing less.

[Deleted Member]

Ive tried to restart this app and send "report issues" so many times about not being able to see comments...

[Je****]

Yesterday at 10:01 PM, callmeprincessplz said:

Ive reported him to the site.

I'm proud of you. I just wish I lived closer so I could ask you out on a proper date. And then make an awkward fool of myself and you giggle. Those are the 2 moves I got.

I hope you're feeling better this week.

[Eu****]

I'm going to keep it simple. No bdsm. No kink. Ect.

A person doesn't talk to another person like that. Period.

[cr****]

I haven’t read all comments on this thread but in quite disappointed in all the closed minds. WOW. OK so about your dilemma. First questions need to be answered but honestly I probably won’t revisit this.
To all of those who say he isn’t a real Dom and apologize on his behalf, shame on you. Who are you to say someone is a real or fake Dom by such a few lines of a one sided recollection? She did not mention any dynamics of their relationship other than getting to know one another. Nothing of how their kinks matched so well that they just had to meet out any mention of similar kink interests. Let’s put into perspective here that he is a sadistic degrader. Let’s say that neither of them discussed the actual meet up and scene. He could have very well thought that the scene was to start as soon as they met so he was already in his Dom persona. So he walks in thinking it’s scene time. Telling her that she is a little more fat than in her picture but she’ll do is actually not that bad of an insult. I’ve been called much worse in my day to day life. So how dare we as a community speak so poorly of an individual that we only know anything at all except that this woman has only known him a month and had her feelings hurt? What if you rushed into a situation, like they clearly have : and now you have this post with all these bashing comments??
To the creator of this post: I’m apologetic that your feelings were hurt, but 1 month is really a short period of time to meet someone from online to play alone with. When I first entered my local BDSM grip the two women who ran it, met with me for lunch before I ever was invited to a munch. The things they drilled into memory for me that shaped my journey for the better were the few and powerful things: 1. You are putting your life in someone else’s hands. I don’t even trust people I’ve known for years with my life so why would I go willingly to meet someone whom I may not have been given the correct name or anything from? Not to mention have seen only photos of this person. Very dangerous situation. 2. See each other on somehow someway. That way there’s no surprises on size for either party because ladies we all know those dick pics are often not the actual man’s pictures or they are angled so they appear much larger than they are. 3. Always know and understand each others kinks. I’ll hit a man or woman dead in their snout for degrading me. It’s a bad PTSD trigger for me so if I meet a Dom who likes to degrade their subs then we can by all means be friends and share our experiences and such but in no way would I scene with them due to that being something they enjoy. Not for the reasons you may think either. But I want my scenes to be pleasurable for all parties involved. No matter how attracted to this person I may be or how well we vibe I will know that I’m not going to be able to fully please this person so as a sub how would I be able to get satisfaction out of it. My soul purpose as a sub is to please my Dom. My pleasure comes from pleasing them and not from how they will please me. 4. Always have a designated play crasher as I call them. That’s someone who is assigned to you for you to call and check in on you ever so often. They are to know where you will be staying, the address and phone number of the establishment. They are to know the persons name, address, phone number, place of employment, age, vehicle, and a description of that person. If they have no ill will towards you then they shouldn’t have any objections to giving you these details. That way if something were to happen and you vanish we have some very important details that may save your life or the alternative. 5. Honesty, clarity, and the obvious 3 safe, sane, and consensual are your rules to live by especially with online. If you haven’t been told any of these things then there ya go. Learn them, live by them. My favorite saying is “I may not be your cup of tea but I’m someone’s whole damn liquor cabinet.” If you find yourself in need of play and craving whatever it is that you personally get out of it then i suggest finding your local group and attending munches, getting sponsored for the local dungeon events (if required), looking into swingers clubs that host kink nights. My munch group often end the munch only to be picked up at Dulca Inc.’s The Farm or CPI The Mark in Nashville (if it’s still even open), for a play party. On later dates of the local group The Kink Kave would host BDSM 101 classes for new members or older ones interested in a particular subject we were discussing that month.
There will always be apples in every bunch. The one thing we as a whole and in individual communities can do to help shape the proper way is by educating. Educate those in all roles. These self proclaimed Dom’s and Masters don’t know any better if they aren’t taught. And never fall for a “Master” who hasn’t been properly trained and served under someone to get their title as Master. Very serious there. I hope that you have better experiences in the future and sorry, not sorry if I offended anyone but one sided stories and lashing out at the other party is not very good practice for any aspect of life in any situation, and especially bad in our lifestyle that is already seen as bad. If you should have any questions or need help in finding your local groups shoot me a message and I’ll be happy to assist you in obtaining the proper information.

[Wi****]

16 hours ago, crazy_about_ropes said:

I haven’t read all comments on this thread but in quite disappointed in all the closed minds. WOW. OK so about your dilemma. First questions need to be answered but honestly I probably won’t revisit this.
To all of those who say he isn’t a real Dom and apologize on his behalf, shame on you. Who are you to say someone is a real or fake Dom by such a few lines of a one sided recollection? She did not mention any dynamics of their relationship other than getting to know one another. Nothing of how their kinks matched so well that they just had to meet out any mention of similar kink interests. Let’s put into perspective here that he is a sadistic degrader. Let’s say that neither of them discussed the actual meet up and scene. He could have very well thought that the scene was to start as soon as they met so he was already in his Dom persona. So he walks in thinking it’s scene time. Telling her that she is a little more fat than in her picture but she’ll do is actually not that bad of an insult. I’ve been called much worse in my day to day life. So how dare we as a community speak so poorly of an individual that we only know anything at all except that this woman has only known him a month and had her feelings hurt? What if you rushed into a situation, like they clearly have : and now you have this post with all these bashing comments??
To the creator of this post: I’m apologetic that your feelings were hurt, but 1 month is really a short period of time to meet someone from online to play alone with. When I first entered my local BDSM grip the two women who ran it, met with me for lunch before I ever was invited to a munch. The things they drilled into memory for me that shaped my journey for the better were the few and powerful things: 1. You are putting your life in someone else’s hands. I don’t even trust people I’ve known for years with my life so why would I go willingly to meet someone whom I may not have been given the correct name or anything from? Not to mention have seen only photos of this person. Very dangerous situation. 2. See each other on somehow someway. That way there’s no surprises on size for either party because ladies we all know those dick pics are often not the actual man’s pictures or they are angled so they appear much larger than they are. 3. Always know and understand each others kinks. I’ll hit a man or woman dead in their snout for degrading me. It’s a bad PTSD trigger for me so if I meet a Dom who likes to degrade their subs then we can by all means be friends and share our experiences and such but in no way would I scene with them due to that being something they enjoy. Not for the reasons you may think either. But I want my scenes to be pleasurable for all parties involved. No matter how attracted to this person I may be or how well we vibe I will know that I’m not going to be able to fully please this person so as a sub how would I be able to get satisfaction out of it. My soul purpose as a sub is to please my Dom. My pleasure comes from pleasing them and not from how they will please me. 4. Always have a designated play crasher as I call them. That’s someone who is assigned to you for you to call and check in on you ever so often. They are to know where you will be staying, the address and phone number of the establishment. They are to know the persons name, address, phone number, place of employment, age, vehicle, and a description of that person. If they have no ill will towards you then they shouldn’t have any objections to giving you these details. That way if something were to happen and you vanish we have some very important details that may save your life or the alternative. 5. Honesty, clarity, and the obvious 3 safe, sane, and consensual are your rules to live by especially with online. If you haven’t been told any of these things then there ya go. Learn them, live by them. My favorite saying is “I may not be your cup of tea but I’m someone’s whole damn liquor cabinet.” If you find yourself in need of play and craving whatever it is that you personally get out of it then i suggest finding your local group and attending munches, getting sponsored for the local dungeon events (if required), looking into swingers clubs that host kink nights. My munch group often end the munch only to be picked up at Dulca Inc.’s The Farm or CPI The Mark in Nashville (if it’s still even open), for a play party. On later dates of the local group The Kink Kave would host BDSM 101 classes for new members or older ones interested in a particular subject we were discussing that month.
There will always be apples in every bunch. The one thing we as a whole and in individual communities can do to help shape the proper way is by educating. Educate those in all roles. These self proclaimed Dom’s and Masters don’t know any better if they aren’t taught. And never fall for a “Master” who hasn’t been properly trained and served under someone to get their title as Master. Very serious there. I hope that you have better experiences in the future and sorry, not sorry if I offended anyone but one sided stories and lashing out at the other party is not very good practice for any aspect of life in any situation, and especially bad in our lifestyle that is already seen as bad. If you should have any questions or need help in finding your local groups shoot me a message and I’ll be happy to assist you in obtaining the proper information.

I think what you say there has a potentially dangerous vibe to it and is not correct the way you say it. Because how you put it, this Dom is simply an inexperienced poor guy who didn’t know better and didn’t do anything wrong. He was just inexperienced.

But where in earth do you do something potentially hurtful or harmful - without discussing it prior and making sure there is consent first? Which he doesn’t seem to have done.

To know that this is not a proper behavior and dangerous to the wellbeing of the people involved on both sides, is not a matter of proper education, a mentor, a training, BDSM knowledge or experience - it is common sense and responsibility. And you cannot - ops, sorry! - not have that at the expense of others. What he did was not inexperienced but careless. And it shows a way of acting on the lines of “I do without caring for safety”, “I do what I want and check later, regardless of what harm it may cause meanwhile”.

Which is why I find it dangerous if you simply excuse it with inexperience.

Let’s think this to the end. Our way of living has a lot more than insults to offer, right? Let’s say it is CNC or spanking to an extent that actually leaves damages. What about breath control play or playing with knives? Regarding your argumentation it seems to be normal to just do that without asking and discussing it before, without crossing a line if you are just uneducated - because you do nothing wrong, you are just uneducated.

But it isn’t normal. Nowhere on earth - not even and especially not in BDSM - you do potentially harmful or hurtful things to another person without discussing consent first. It wasn’t a small mistake.

So how do we dare to stand against it? Because we dare to protect every Sub out there, who (as you correctly pointed out) lays their life into the hands of somebody else to be safe when they do that. Because we dare to protect every Dom out there to lead within all their kinks freely without the *** to be attacked or having charges pressed against them or finding themselves unwillingly in the position of being an ***r for it later. Because we dare to protect our community to be a safe space - for all of us - which sometimes requires a really loud NO, if something is NOT alright.

Our brains aren’t wired to understand something was really a big mistake if you shrug it off softly and excuse it. If something was bad, the consequences need to show this. That doesn’t mean you should overreact or insult people (and nobody here should insult this Dom), but a loud “NO, this is NOT how Doms act, not a real Dom’s nature because those know responsibility and safety”, is perfectly on point. This is also education. If you carelessly play with fire and almost burn other people by it, you probably get a bit burned yourself. And I’d assume we talk about an adult person here, who made a choice - which means he is responsible for his choice of behavior.

And besides: BDSM, Subs and Doms have many faces. High protocol and a whole life of strict rules and mentored training is not for everyone and not even required. Our kinks have many faces. This scene has many faces. And they are all fine! Some people love to get going faster and that is part of their kink. They still have the right to be safe, though.

Which is why we do not do nor tolerate, anywhere in the world, people who do potentially harmful or hurtful things to others without checking consent first. And that is pretty much common sense. This is not a harsh community. It is a protecting community. And that woman was so correct and friendly to NOT share his nick. He isn’t exposed or something.

And also: Why do you protect his hurt so much more than hers? That is interesting.

Of course everyone should educate themselves and I totally agree with you on that. I think it is great that you pointed that out and offer to help with it. The way your argumentation sounded like an easy excuse for the kind of behavior he showed stroke me just really dangerous, though.

[cr****]

June 2, Wild_Rose said:

I think what you say there has a potentially dangerous vibe to it and is not correct the way you say it. Because how you put it, this Dom is simply an inexperienced poor guy who didn’t know better and didn’t do anything wrong. He was just inexperienced.

But where in earth do you do something potentially hurtful or harmful - without discussing it prior and making sure there is consent first? Which he doesn’t seem to have done.

To know that this is not a proper behavior and dangerous to the wellbeing of the people involved on both sides, is not a matter of proper education, a mentor, a training, BDSM knowledge or experience - it is common sense and responsibility. And you cannot - ops, sorry! - not have that at the expense of others. What he did was not inexperienced but careless. And it shows a way of acting on the lines of “I do without caring for safety”, “I do what I want and check later, regardless of what harm it may cause meanwhile”.

Which is why I find it dangerous if you simply excuse it with inexperience.

Let’s think this to the end. Our way of living has a lot more than insults to offer, right? Let’s say it is CNC or spanking to an extent that actually leaves damages. What about breath control play or playing with knives? Regarding your argumentation it seems to be normal to just do that without asking and discussing it before, without crossing a line if you are just uneducated - because you do nothing wrong, you are just uneducated.

But it isn’t normal. Nowhere on earth - not even and especially not in BDSM - you do potentially harmful or hurtful things to another person without discussing consent first. It wasn’t a small mistake.

So how do we dare to stand against it? Because we dare to protect every Sub out there, who (as you correctly pointed out) lays their life into the hands of somebody else to be safe when they do that. Because we dare to protect every Dom out there to lead within all their kinks freely without the *** to be attacked or having charges pressed against them or finding themselves unwillingly in the position of being an ***r for it later. Because we dare to protect our community to be a safe space - for all of us - which sometimes requires a really loud NO, if something is NOT alright.

Our brains aren’t wired to understand something was really a big mistake if you shrug it off softly and excuse it. If something was bad, the consequences need to show this. That doesn’t mean you should overreact or insult people (and nobody here should insult this Dom), but a loud “NO, this is NOT how Doms act, not a real Dom’s nature because those know responsibility and safety”, is perfectly on point. This is also education. If you carelessly play with fire and almost burn other people by it, you probably get a bit burned yourself. And I’d assume we talk about an adult person here, who made a choice - which means he is responsible for his choice of behavior.

And besides: BDSM, Subs and Doms have many faces. High protocol and a whole life of strict rules and mentored training is not for everyone and not even required. Our kinks have many faces. This scene has many faces. And they are all fine! Some people love to get going faster and that is part of their kink. They still have the right to be safe, though.

Which is why we do not do nor tolerate, anywhere in the world, people who do potentially harmful or hurtful things to others without checking consent first. And that is pretty much common sense. This is not a harsh community. It is a protecting community. And that woman was so correct and friendly to NOT share his nick. He isn’t exposed or something.

And also: Why do you protect his hurt so much more than hers? That is interesting.

Of course everyone should educate themselves and I totally agree with you on that. I think it is great that you pointed that out and offer to help with it. The way your argumentation sounded like an easy excuse for the kind of behavior he showed stroke me just really dangerous, though.

Ok so you clearly didn't get what I was saying in my comment. You asked a question that I clearly stated. She doesn't specify any consent about anything in her original post. That is why I said maybe he thought as soon as they met that the scene was to start. That would actually make sense on why he said what he said. The things he said were not as bad as some of the things that I've seen in person when a Domme was doing a scene with her sub. We don't know the dynamics in which was discussed prior to their meeting nor do we know what each prefers link wise. Nothing in my comment was dangerous. And like I said sorry not sorry if it offended anyone but if we jump and seclude or report every Dom that hurt a subs feelings because it wasn't properly discussed or maybe he was too mean in her eyes then we'd have an abundance of subs and no Dom's. I've had my share of fake ones and getting your feelings hurt although it's a hit to your ego it's not means to report him. You have to have advocates for both sides here. I was saying that questions needed to be asked on order to get the full story. The rest of my post was information that was given to me by very successful members of the BDSM lifestyle who happen to run a very successful business and like the famous Comicon theres Pony Play weekend and they are the creators and Hosts for that event. Nothing in my comment was dangerous and I'm sorry you see it that way. But it seems to me that there's a lot of "feelings" being hurt and I might suggest that if your that sensitive you may want to seek a different lifestyle. Degrading is a very healthy form of BDSM play and shouldn't be shunned because of someone's feelings getting hurt, that's the whole point of that particular play. If it weren't discussed prior to meet up then I could see how she got her feelings hurt. You trying to attack me is doing nothing for you seriously. I've lived this for over 21 years. All the details to their meeting were not stated. Stop making assumptions and accusing someone without all the facts. You can't be judge, jury, and executioner all in one honey. Now you have yourself a blessed day. And learn a little instead of attacking because I didn't entertain weak minded individuals with soft asses.

[CopperKnob]

20 hours ago, crazy_about_ropes said:

Ok so you clearly didn't get what I was saying in my comment. You asked a question that I clearly stated. She doesn't specify any consent about anything in her original post. That is why I said maybe he thought as soon as they met that the scene was to start. That would actually make sense on why he said what he said. The things he said were not as bad as some of the things that I've seen in person when a Domme was doing a scene with her sub. We don't know the dynamics in which was discussed prior to their meeting nor do we know what each prefers link wise. Nothing in my comment was dangerous. And like I said sorry not sorry if it offended anyone but if we jump and seclude or report every Dom that hurt a subs feelings because it wasn't properly discussed or maybe he was too mean in her eyes then we'd have an abundance of subs and no Dom's. I've had my share of fake ones and getting your feelings hurt although it's a hit to your ego it's not means to report him. You have to have advocates for both sides here. I was saying that questions needed to be asked on order to get the full story. The rest of my post was information that was given to me by very successful members of the BDSM lifestyle who happen to run a very successful business and like the famous Comicon theres Pony Play weekend and they are the creators and Hosts for that event. Nothing in my comment was dangerous and I'm sorry you see it that way. But it seems to me that there's a lot of "feelings" being hurt and I might suggest that if your that sensitive you may want to seek a different lifestyle. Degrading is a very healthy form of BDSM play and shouldn't be shunned because of someone's feelings getting hurt, that's the whole point of that particular play. If it weren't discussed prior to meet up then I could see how she got her feelings hurt. You trying to attack me is doing nothing for you seriously. I've lived this for over 21 years. All the details to their meeting were not stated. Stop making assumptions and accusing someone without all the facts. You can't be judge, jury, and executioner all in one honey. Now you have yourself a blessed day. And learn a little instead of attacking because I didn't entertain weak minded individuals with soft asses.

It's funny how, when someone shares an unhappy experience and is reaching out for advice, there's always someone who provides the person whose accused of the harm with excuses.
The problem being, that the excuses are assumptions that you've created having first accused other commentators doing exactly that.
You've suggested that the 'D' is a 'sadistic degrader', no where in the OP is that indicated. You've suggested that you've received worse comments that fat shaming. That doesn't make it right let alone acceptable particularly when the OP doesn't suggest that it was negotiated.
To suggest that maybe the 'D' had thought that the scene was to start immediately is dangerous. It's something that should have been communicated and another assumption by yourself.
Clearly their kinks didn't match when the OP identifies as a brat (outlined on their profile) for the 'D' to have made the comment they did. Another red flag.
The fact that a waiter noticed how uncomfortable she was and supported her to leave the situation is all we need to know how the encounter went.

[Mi****]

July 18, CopperKnob said:

It's funny how, when someone shares an unhappy experience and is reaching out for advice, there's always someone who provides the person whose accused of the harm with excuses.
The problem being, that the excuses are assumptions that you've created having first accused other commentators doing exactly that.
You've suggested that the 'D' is a 'sadistic degrader', no where in the OP is that indicated. You've suggested that you've received worse comments that fat shaming. That doesn't make it right let alone acceptable particularly when the OP doesn't suggest that it was negotiated.
To suggest that maybe the 'D' had thought that the scene was to start immediately is dangerous. It's something that should have been communicated and another assumption by yourself.
Clearly their kinks didn't match when the OP identifies as a brat (outlined on their profile) for the 'D' to have made the comment they did. Another red flag.
The fact that a waiter noticed how uncomfortable she was and supported her to leave the situation is all we need to know how the encounter went.

Exactly!!