Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 4 hours ago, gemini_man said: Thank you for bringing things back on track - sadly the nature of Internet forums (regardless of genre) is their ability to go wildly off piste when a contentious point is raised. . For me that connection is all important, without it my submission stays firmly locked away - it's about finding the ying to my yang - someone who truly understands me and can get into my head - find that and anything else flows naturally. . I had a recent experience at a club, that was high protocol based, was very much about serving her, with very little traditional "play" (amounted to some impact play and that was about it), but she knew exactly how to get into my head - she commented afterwards how blissful and relaxed I looked once I entered submissive mode, and that was down to the connection and chemistry between us and how she got into my head. . I'd take that kind of connection any time over simply submitting for the sake of it. Very good point about the bliss. A sub who actually enjoys being a sub, once in sub space, just seems to wallow in it and let go. I think that’s what I don’t see with switches. They don’t let go and immerse themselves in it. They’re still in their head. It’s lovely seeing someone let go, and when they come out of it at the end they truly need nurturing back into the world. It seems to me like it’s a similar to a meditative state.
Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 1 hour ago, Salacious67 said: I hope you don’t mind me coming in on this discussion, interesting post which seems to have raised some heated and open discussion, however going back to the question of the female/male Dommie/sub dynamic and speaking form my personal journey I would say most males come into the world of kink from a stereotypical and probably society based culture of male dominance. Now, I’m not saying a male lead Dom/sub dynamic is bad and this works for lots of people with good connections, respect ans agreed boundaries as for female lead dynamics too, but for me the journey wasn’t simply black and white, I needed to find myself. The idea of exploring switch appealed to me as I want to learn, explore and know what things felt like to me in terms of giving and receiving. Over the years and certainly more so in the last few years I leaned more into my sub side, which comes more easily to me and feels more comfortable as I’m learning this is my natural state., I’m happy to embrace my masculinity, but neither I’m a afraid to show my submissive side and embrace my feelings and sexuality. My job involves me giving lots of me to other’s in time, care, attention and energy which can be overwhelming and the the basis of giving over this control in a dynamic creates that feeling of being wanted, supported, cherished with the feeling of pressure being taken away. The feeling of balance to one’s own self as neither is the female lead dynamic a one way street as they need support too, otherwise burnout within the relationship will appear. The pressure to taken on any Dominant role within a dynamic requires the support of the submissive too, which is equally as important. I take my hat off to anyone who takes the Dominant role, especially in 24/7 circumstances as the pressure must be immense at times if it is one way lead without good support from a sub. Love this insight. I’ve heard it before from a sub, and it intrigues me that you refer to spending time giving others time, care attention and energy so this is a break from that. Whereas it seems from the Domme perspective that subs give time, care, attention and energy to a Domme. So I wonder why that doesn’t drain them too. I’d love more understanding of the difference. And yes, you’re right about the burn out. I have tried a FLR and I was drained. The pressure to always be in control, making decisions, being in charge. Possibly also because in a single parent so spend all of my life being that person to my ***…. Being that all the time for another adult became too much. The expectation of them waiting for me to guide them and provide experiences for them all the time. I lasted 18 months and then I was imploding. It’s a really tricky balance in a relationship. One I need to find!
ge**** Posted July 11, 2025 1 hour ago, DommeDelight said: Very good point about the bliss. A sub who actually enjoys being a sub, once in sub space, just seems to wallow in it and let go. I think that’s what I don’t see with switches. They don’t let go and immerse themselves in it. They’re still in their head. It’s lovely seeing someone let go, and when they come out of it at the end they truly need nurturing back into the world. It seems to me like it’s a similar to a meditative state. It is indeed meditative - I just melt when I go there. . Though curiously I do also switch, though it's a relatively recent thing, my natural state is submissive, and don't have an issue finding that space when in submissive mode
ey**** Posted July 11, 2025 A few years ago (2017) I was at a filming event in Germany - and - was setting up for a scene, my first time shooting with this particular lady I can't entirely remember what I'd said or done but we were walking into the barn and she turned to me and stopped deadpan. "Listen, Mister - when we start the scene, you are my sub, my slave, my slut and I will fuck you up... but right now... we are equals and we will talk as such" As I say, I don't remember what I'd said - maybe she'd asked me about a preference and I'd done the whole "whatever Mistress wants" or some shit. And it was like, ok that's admirable but we're currently negotiating the scene. And there's lessons from that conversation. Like, I was glad to be playing with her because I thought she was great. She was super cute, super funny - and - even 8 years from that day I'm still humbled anyone wants to do anything with me. I don't generally buy into the whole inferiority thing - I know some do as part of a fantasy, and that's cool
Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 I wonder if that’s because you started sub and switch to Dom, rather than the other way around🤔 I haven’t ruled out switching sometimes with the right person. If I were in something longer term with a sub and the trust was there, then trying switching round. I suggested it to the sub I tried FLR with, saying somethings it’s nice for him to take the lead (obv wasn’t suggesting anything too challenging) but his hand went straight to my throat and I didn’t try that again!! I think if the trust was there and the person was in tune with me already, I could submit to them gradually.
Salacious67 Posted July 11, 2025 2 hours ago, DommeDelight said: Love this insight. I’ve heard it before from a sub, and it intrigues me that you refer to spending time giving others time, care attention and energy so this is a break from that. Whereas it seems from the Domme perspective that subs give time, care, attention and energy to a Domme. So I wonder why that doesn’t drain them too. I’d love more understanding of the difference. And yes, you’re right about the burn out. I have tried a FLR and I was drained. The pressure to always be in control, making decisions, being in charge. Possibly also because in a single parent so spend all of my life being that person to my ***…. Being that all the time for another adult became too much. The expectation of them waiting for me to guide them and provide experiences for them all the time. I lasted 18 months and then I was imploding. It’s a really tricky balance in a relationship. One I need to find! I think the difference between having to give to people in a work situation and wanting to give control in a Domme /sub dynamic is that yes you are giving over that control to someone else, which feels liberating and yes you are giving to that person in control, but it’s a different type of energy release and space that you are in want to please your dominant partner and doesn’t feel draining in the same sense that the daily grind of day to day life can have in a work environment, it almost a cathartic experience or meditation in the process. I can also understand how being a single mother and balancing daily life while trying to hold together a Domme lead relationship with the exception to lead the script all the time is exhausting. My own personal experience has been one of delving into work as a distraction at the expense of my personal life as a being single and having dealt with family illness and two bereavements over the last 18 months, plus now having to care for a elderly parent more with not having any siblings, which only to seeks me to find that balance more for my submissive side. I can certainly see how being a single parent can be difficult when balancing a Domme dynamic without that support form a sub, as role reversal looking after a elderly parent is difficult in terms of full circle the child now looking after the parent can be exhausting.
Salacious67 Posted July 11, 2025 2 hours ago, gemini_man said: It is indeed meditative - I just melt when I go there. . Though curiously I do also switch, though it's a relatively recent thing, my natural state is submissive, and don't have an issue finding that space when in submissive mode I would agree there is that meditative state and rope play certainly puts me in that presence with a feeling of calm and bliss…which just makes me go wow!...and I would agree as switch that it’s a lot easier for me to find my natural state of submissiveness.
ey**** Posted July 11, 2025 5 hours ago, DommeDelight said: And yes, you’re right about the burn out. I have tried a FLR and I was drained. The pressure to always be in control, making decisions, being in charge. I wanted to comment on this, but was worried of nudging back off topic, but then found a way to keep this on topic I hear stuff like this too often. People who try FLR, or to be their boyfriend/husband/partner/friends Domme - and find it draining. Or those who say no, and the reason is they feel it would be draining And sometimes it's just that the set up isn't quite right and this can take time to get right. It's also a huge factor why a lot of male subs have issues. Because their partner knows, or feels, this would be extra work/responsibility and there's a lot already on their plate. This is something where sometimes the subs have to be a little proactive. Doing what needs to be done to make things work without being asked. This could be taking on a lionshare of household responsibilities - or other things to benefit the Domme. But also that they will have to accept you won't permently be in "Domme mode." 5 hours ago, DommeDelight said: The expectation of them waiting for me to guide them and provide experiences for them all the time This to me is what flags the most for me. Because this is something the subs should be more proactive with. They are grown adults who can lead their own research and show their own iniative. This doesn't mean you're not in control or leading them; but it does mean you're not micromanaging them on things they should be being proactive on. Sometimes male subs, whether intentionally or not, end up making it a chore for their Domme.
Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 That’s like a breath of fresh air to hear that. And yes I completely agree it’s down to the balance not being right. This particular attempt failed. Maybe we weren’t the right mix. Having mentioned it a few times we weren’t able to make things change. It left me thinking I needed a sub who is more capable or confident. But I think you hit the nail on the head… more proactive would be a huge help. Then we would both be putting the effort in, instead of one saying they will do whatever the other one says and then waiting for instructions. I felt a huge amount of pressure on me. There’s also the constant looking to me and waiting for me to do a kink session whenever the house was empty, which became less fun. However I am conscious that this is meant to be about how subs feel receiving attention from their Domme, not me brainstorming how to do FLR! 🙈
ge**** Posted July 11, 2025 5 hours ago, DommeDelight said: I wonder if that’s because you started sub and switch to Dom, rather than the other way around🤔 I haven’t ruled out switching sometimes with the right person. If I were in something longer term with a sub and the trust was there, then trying switching round. I suggested it to the sub I tried FLR with, saying somethings it’s nice for him to take the lead (obv wasn’t suggesting anything too challenging) but his hand went straight to my throat and I didn’t try that again!! I think if the trust was there and the person was in tune with me already, I could submit to them gradually. It could be, or it could be that intrinsically I am submissive, I am Dom to one person, and that developed naturally and instinctively with her. . I'm not honestly sure I could dominate anyone else (though could Top) which leads me onto your point about submitting - I actually believe that just like in life, we all have those we are dominant towards, as well as those we are submissive towards, and those we're broadly equal to - so it becomes a case in the kink world that you find the right person that pushes your dominant or submissive buttons and and it's entirely possible to switch sides.
Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 10 minutes ago, gemini_man said: It could be, or it could be that intrinsically I am submissive, I am Dom to one person, and that developed naturally and instinctively with her. . I'm not honestly sure I could dominate anyone else (though could Top) which leads me onto your point about submitting - I actually believe that just like in life, we all have those we are dominant towards, as well as those we are submissive towards, and those we're broadly equal to - so it becomes a case in the kink world that you find the right person that pushes your dominant or submissive buttons and and it's entirely possible to switch sides. That makes a lot of sense!
ey**** Posted July 11, 2025 17 minutes ago, DommeDelight said: It left me thinking I needed a sub who is more capable or confident. But I think you hit the nail on the head… more proactive would be a huge help. Then we would both be putting the effort in, instead of one saying they will do whatever the other one says and then waiting for instructions. I felt a huge amount of pressure on me. There’s also the constant looking to me and waiting for me to do a kink session whenever the house was empty, which became less fun. However I am conscious that this is meant to be about how subs feel receiving attention from their Domme, not me brainstorming how to do FLR! 🙈 Oops, I missed a line out of my post. Well. Two But yep - that is the issue a lot of times - and there are Dommes who genuinely enjoy micromanaging - but most do not have the time or energy to. (Equally, one I know did - her circumstances changed and so she then needed her subs to adapt) So me missing lines I'd meant to write that helps keep on topic The first is that this does play into the element of approaching from a position of being inferior - that it already sets off flags about placing someone on a pedestal But, that actually it is exciting that it may be someone you have placed on a mental pedestal and they're gonna do somehting with you - but, of course, having to realise this is a version of them you built in your head, not necessarily how they are. It's also important.... sub frenzy can happen and be a factor/issue - thinking of all that could be. It's important to take things at a time as they come and not pin too much hopes onto something And the second (though it feels like it's more than 2 just now) is that when you're exictedly talking with someone, to try to work out how this benefits *them*
Do**** Posted July 11, 2025 Sub frenzy is definitely a common theme! Like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory, wandering around looking at all the possibilities and thinking…… meanwhile other subs are like the other *** completely losing themselves in the frenzy of excitement like all their Christmases have come at once. That comes across in initial conversations with subs, from the outset or as soon as they get a response.
ge**** Posted July 11, 2025 1 hour ago, DommeDelight said: That’s like a breath of fresh air to hear that. And yes I completely agree it’s down to the balance not being right. This particular attempt failed. Maybe we weren’t the right mix. Having mentioned it a few times we weren’t able to make things change. It left me thinking I needed a sub who is more capable or confident. But I think you hit the nail on the head… more proactive would be a huge help. Then we would both be putting the effort in, instead of one saying they will do whatever the other one says and then waiting for instructions. I felt a huge amount of pressure on me. There’s also the constant looking to me and waiting for me to do a kink session whenever the house was empty, which became less fun. However I am conscious that this is meant to be about how subs feel receiving attention from their Domme, not me brainstorming how to do FLR! 🙈 I think it's an absolutely relevant point to bring up though from a submissives perspective as well as your own - and is worth stating for other people reading - because regardless of the power/control balance, D/s is a two sided coin and it takes effort from both sides to truly make it work - it's no different from any other relationship (vanilla or otherwise) in that respect. There is as much responsibility on the sub to guide a dominant as there is for a dominant to lead a submissive - without that connection, input and understanding it all becomes very one sided and as you suggest, wearing, for the dominant. A submissive can put effort in in many ways without it being a case of taking back control - things like giving ideas for play/scenes, or perhaps preparing a bath or pampering session for their dominant, or simply offering themselves up for a specific activity, or carrying shopping automatically and many many more all play into that effort being shown from the sub side.
ey**** Posted July 11, 2025 1 hour ago, DommeDelight said: Sub frenzy is definitely a common theme! Like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory, wandering around looking at all the possibilities and thinking…… meanwhile other subs are like the other *** completely losing themselves in the frenzy of excitement like all their Christmases have come at once. That comes across in initial conversations with subs, from the outset or as soon as they get a response. It's almost funny that... I go the other way sometimes. I will actively try to not frenzy, or *** I'm being pushy, or overly demanding and so this can end with me coming over cold and disinterested. There probably should be a happy medium. So I guess that tides back to the first question "don't fuck this up" a common thing on my mind.
ge**** Posted July 12, 2025 7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: It's almost funny that... I go the other way sometimes. I will actively try to not frenzy, or *** I'm being pushy, or overly demanding and so this can end with me coming over cold and disinterested. There probably should be a happy medium. So I guess that tides back to the first question "don't fuck this up" a common thing on my mind. Totally hear you on this - I pretty much always hold back for the same reasons and sometimes think I come over as cold and disinterested as you suggest, when actually I am far from it, quite the opposite in fact. . Even when it's there right in front of me I do it, just yesterday someone suggested playing at a future event we're going to, and rather than saying "yes that would be great" - I deflected and asked about others that are going . I'm the same on sites like this, or in clubs - very rarely send a first message, or approach people, and in part it's because I don't want to be one of *those* guys that spams/pesters people, but mainly it's because I don't want to come across as being pushy or demanding, or putting pressure on others unduly.
ey**** Posted July 12, 2025 1 hour ago, gemini_man said: I'm the same on sites like this, or in clubs - very rarely send a first message, or approach people, and in part it's because I don't want to be one of *those* guys that spams/pesters people, but mainly it's because I don't want to come across as being pushy or demanding, or putting pressure on others unduly. Yeah - same Randomly an old story comes to mind in Pedestal - basically I had a memory card that needed returning to someone but she wasn't going to be there so was like "Oh, do you know _______ give it to her?" and I didn't know/know said person but knew *of* them. Sought out said person, said hello and actually said person recognised me from online and was excited to meet me (that felt nice) and so I was like "_______ told me to give you this card" so I did, and she kinda put it into her top and patted her boobs and was like "that'll keep it safe and winked" and I either before or after a photographer went by and the whole group of the time was huddled into a photo I noticed her feet and I was mentally "Oh, god I want to... should I ask" and then felt she'd probably already hundreds of guys ask and hundred more would ask so didn't wish to burden. Though, it was contextually different. Sometimes I wonder how I get anything done cos of stories like that.
Do**** Posted July 12, 2025 12 hours ago, gemini_man said: I think it's an absolutely relevant point to bring up though from a submissives perspective as well as your own - and is worth stating for other people reading - because regardless of the power/control balance, D/s is a two sided coin and it takes effort from both sides to truly make it work - it's no different from any other relationship (vanilla or otherwise) in that respect. There is as much responsibility on the sub to guide a dominant as there is for a dominant to lead a submissive - without that connection, input and understanding it all becomes very one sided and as you suggest, wearing, for the dominant. A submissive can put effort in in many ways without it being a case of taking back control - things like giving ideas for play/scenes, or perhaps preparing a bath or pampering session for their dominant, or simply offering themselves up for a specific activity, or carrying shopping automatically and many many more all play into that effort being shown from the sub side. I love all of this! There was definitely far too much of suggesting play scenes though. That was a daily thing and became overwhelming. I prefer personally to be able to instigate play when not expected rather than when constantly nagged for every day. Love effort on both sides though. That feels much less daunting!
Do**** Posted July 12, 2025 11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: It's almost funny that... I go the other way sometimes. I will actively try to not frenzy, or *** I'm being pushy, or overly demanding and so this can end with me coming over cold and disinterested. There probably should be a happy medium. So I guess that tides back to the first question "don't fuck this up" a common thing on my mind. Yeah disinterested can often lead to never actually making plans to do anything in person because it seems like they’re just wanting to chat and not actually wanting to do anything. It’s a difficult balance for you subs!
Do**** Posted July 12, 2025 11 minutes ago, DommeDelight said: I love all of this! There was definitely far too much of suggesting play scenes though. That was a daily thing and became overwhelming. I prefer personally to be able to instigate play when not expected rather than when constantly nagged for every day. Love effort on both sides though. That feels much less daunting! I should explain that doesn’t mean don’t ever ask for play. Sometimes is nice to go with a request too and have unplanned. But if asked for daily then there’s never a point where you can take a sub by surprise and tell them to get into position or just kneel and see them taken off guard so to speak. Love surprising a sub with an experience i know they’d love and blowing their mind!
ey**** Posted July 12, 2025 2 hours ago, DommeDelight said: Yeah disinterested can often lead to never actually making plans to do anything in person because it seems like they’re just wanting to chat and not actually wanting to do anything. It’s a difficult balance for you subs! It can be - but - two lines of thought, ha First is - putting care into how you write or come across shows you, well, care - and that can sometime translate well. Second is - a sub who is too pushy might blow his/their chance with the person both now AND in the future but a sub who blows their chance due to seeming too passive does still have chance in the future.
Do**** Posted July 12, 2025 4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: It can be - but - two lines of thought, ha First is - putting care into how you write or come across shows you, well, care - and that can sometime translate well. Second is - a sub who is too pushy might blow his/their chance with the person both now AND in the future but a sub who blows their chance due to seeming too passive does still have chance in the future. Very very true! And yes you can very much tell a person who is thoughtful about things. A sub who has considered their position in the kink spectrum, what motivates them and what they’re looking for in life or to try in the future…. Very different from “woohoooo I found a Domme🥳🥳🥳”. Also means the ultimate meet from someone with meaningful conversation would have more depth and achieve more for both parties. Ultimately a sub who can’t achieve meaningful conversation can’t build the connection needed to have a meaningful experience. If I can’t find out enough about them to know how it would work and what he needs from me and is wanting to give to me, it cannot happen.
Salacious67 Posted July 12, 2025 It’s always a fine line and a difficult one to balance when messaging someone with wanting to show interest and start a conversation without coming across a passive and being perceived as not interested or not showing enough interest and then going the other way as over zealous. I’ve been on the passive side and had people tell me I should me more open and forthcoming, so I’ve tried to balance this a little more which I hope I’ve managed in the right way, fingers crossed. Communication is never easy in a text environment and sometimes it can be difficult to engage with people and convey the message correctly without that body language to help support the communication in the right context like when face to face, on the other I’m not advocating people should meet up straight away as judgements and safety are paramount in feeling comfortable before actually meeting. I like to get to know the person as a human being not just what interests we may have in common in terms of like and dislikes which yes is import in terms of a dynamic, but equally they are a person and chatting about life in general is import too, with light hearted and deeper conversations. I can also understand that someone people may not feel comfortable wanting to open up on more personal things until they feel comfortable doing so, which should be respected
ge**** Posted July 13, 2025 14 hours ago, DommeDelight said: I should explain that doesn’t mean don’t ever ask for play. Sometimes is nice to go with a request too and have unplanned. But if asked for daily then there’s never a point where you can take a sub by surprise and tell them to get into position or just kneel and see them taken off guard so to speak. Love surprising a sub with an experience i know they’d love and blowing their mind! Oh absolutely and didn't read it any other way than it was intended originally. The suggestions for play wasn't necessarily about initiating it either, and definitely not about the kind of thing you are suggesting (that would be completely overwhelming and tiresome) - was more getting at going to the effort to suggest possible play styles, or new things to try at the dominant's time of choosing etc - maybe something like updating a BDSM Checklist or similar to indicate new interests....that kind of thing
ge**** Posted July 13, 2025 23 hours ago, DommeDelight said: Yeah disinterested can often lead to never actually making plans to do anything in person because it seems like they’re just wanting to chat and not actually wanting to do anything. It’s a difficult balance for you subs! It's definitely a fine balance but I've found, where a genuine connection and chemistry is there, that it flows naturally from initial contact to meeting to potentially more certainly on sites like this. . In person (bizarrely) at clubs/Munches etc it can be a little more difficult to manage to find that balance and gauge interest - but again if that connection/chemistry is there it will find a way.
Recommended Posts