How did Vanilla become a four letter word?

[CurvedViking]

Maybe I am weird, but I still enjoy vanilla, I just don’t want it all the time… Vanilla definitely has a place and a desire for me, but lately all I have been getting requests for is the heavier kink meet ups. What happened to the patience to develop something…. For me the Vanilla builds trust to go to the level of kink some want… anyone else feel th e same? Open to all responses to this…

[Deleted Member]

Bro, remember the men run this app, if they are rude or outta line then flag em and move on. I respect how ya feel bro.

[BruiseWayne]

Well first of all you gotta let us know what you mean by 'heavier' and even what you mean by vanilla too. It's kinda hard to comment on what you're saying here unless I know what your idea of either of those things are, or what context you're using the word vanilla in.

It sounds like to me that people are wanting to do things with you faster than you're accustomed to doing that particular thing with them. Everybody moves at their own pace though. 

 

Alot of people are into intense and taboo things- me being one of them- so aside from the actual vanilla aspect of getting together and going on a date or just spending time with one another I'm not going to be inviting anybody out to do some vanilla shit lolol. 

[Deleted Member]

Don't let low quality women without morals and grace get a rise outta ya. You are worth more.

[Ge****]

I definitely agree to an extent. I believe it entirely depends on the vibe, at least for me. I always value my partners comfort first, and that usually means being a caring and passionate/sensual partner first before being a sexual deviant, lol. However, if said partner were to be really into the kinkier side of things and wants to jump straight into that then if I feel the right connection to that person then absolutely I’m down. I have always liked starting with dates, then eventually moving on to vanilla sex, then when the vibes are right getting to the kinky shit. I believe doing it that way could help avoid getting too badly hurt if it turns out you’re not actually compatible together

[Deleted Member]

Yes, I agree that if you build a friendship and intimacy it builds real trust and desire for the heavier kinkier times, and makes it so much more intense and enjoyable.

[Mi****]

Totally get it! I’ve encountered a number of people who simply assume that if you respond a few times that you will be there Master/Mistress. Like, hold up there buddy, I still want cuddles and forehead kisses!

[DeviantInside]

Here’s the thing that I found when I found the kink scene in London… everyone was allowed to enjoy what they wanted, as and when they wanted to (as long as not harming or impinging on anyone else), no one minded. It was very welcoming and it depended more about what you were as a person than what you were into. Now I cannot say what it’s like today or in other places, but I do believe that is how it should be.

[CurvedViking]

I understand the married women asking for something more than they get at home, it is often why they have opened their relationship, but lately I have seen an uptick in the single women looking for relationships to start wanting more kink upfront… maybe I need to view the source of here, Feeld and Fet Life being more direct with what they are looking for…

[Pe****]

I think it's more of an issue with general social culture rather than kink culture specifically.
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The immediate gratification that has made hook-up culture so prevalent applied to kink. Find somebody, quickly get the attention you want, move on to next experience. It pairs well with the "know your own value" idea of knowing what you want and discarding anybody who doesn't give it to you immediately.
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Realistically, anybody who isn't happy to move a bit slower is interested in what you can do for them far more than you as a person. If you want a lasting relationship, you're probably better off avoiding these people anyway.
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As for the idea of vanilla being a 4-letter word, I think it's connected to a lack of confidence in personal identity. Vanilla is normal, basic, common. Things that many people, especially these days, *** being seen as. Different is seen as better, special, and raising one's value. Asking to go out for coffee is boring, sex is just normal, but asking for some intense kinky stuff right away proves you're different. Shoving it front and center immediately is basically begging for acknowledgment of what you think makes you stand out. You see the same behavior across all kinds of people. The buff guy who only wears the tightest shirt he can find. The busty girl who never wears anything that covers her cleavage. The anime lover who always wears a Naruto headband. In other words, vanilla hasn't become a 4-letter word, but *** always has been.

[Pe****]

Curse this app and its censorship. Asterisks are both

f34r

f e a r

F
E
A
R

One of those should manage to get through

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Pet_Mimic said:

I think it's more of an issue with general social culture rather than kink culture specifically.
.
The immediate gratification that has made hook-up culture so prevalent applied to kink. Find somebody, quickly get the attention you want, move on to next experience. It pairs well with the "know your own value" idea of knowing what you want and discarding anybody who doesn't give it to you immediately.
.
Realistically, anybody who isn't happy to move a bit slower is interested in what you can do for them far more than you as a person. If you want a lasting relationship, you're probably better off avoiding these people anyway.
.
As for the idea of vanilla being a 4-letter word, I think it's connected to a lack of confidence in personal identity. Vanilla is normal, basic, common. Things that many people, especially these days, *** being seen as. Different is seen as better, special, and raising one's value. Asking to go out for coffee is boring, sex is just normal, but asking for some intense kinky stuff right away proves you're different. Shoving it front and center immediately is basically begging for acknowledgment of what you think makes you stand out. You see the same behavior across all kinds of people. The buff guy who only wears the tightest shirt he can find. The busty girl who never wears anything that covers her cleavage. The anime lover who always wears a Naruto headband. In other words, vanilla hasn't become a 4-letter word, but *** always has been.

^^^ All of this is tremendous. 🤘🏽🤘🏽🤘🏽

[Do****]

I definitely agree that vanilla is also needed. I tried FLR for 18 months and the pressure on me as Domme to always initiate kink sessions……. I really missed the romance of a snuggle and snog and making love. I don’t miss one night stands or meeting for sex only, blokes just wanting to have a quickly or get their end away without any regard for whether I came or not. But within a relationship I definitely missed just the loving romance side of sex.

I guess the concept of vanilla being a four letter word comes to mind when I see profiles in here that just want hook ups / some fun. Kind of feels like they need to be in Tinder looking for that, rather than FET. For some reason I don’t like thinking of this as a sex/hook up app. I like to think of it as more interesting and deeper than that.

[ba****]

Unfortunately most people have not been giving the opportunity to explore a slow build, so it can take someone (coming from their own personal experience) quite sometime to find some that is like “But what about building the tension and having really good missionary? 🤔” Then you have the other side that thinks everyone should be kinky before vanilla and have a mentality that vanilla is for “beginners” or boring people (yes there are people think vanilla is boring😒)

[Do****]

I think the idea of a slow build is an interesting question, as I take it completely the opposite way around and hadn’t considered doing it that way. I am happier starting off with kinky and letting it become more intimate if the chemistry develops. So I don’t kiss or have any penetration (except pegging 😈) unless I get very close to them and it develops into something. At which point I would probably not be seeing other subs. I have a slow build from kink to include vanilla.
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Now I’m interested thinking about the opposite way you’re suggesting. For some reason, whether it’s a female thing I don’t know, I’m less happy having vanilla sex with someone I’m not close to, than I am having kink play. 🤔

[Th****]

Like @BruiseWaynesaid, without clarification of exactly what you mean by vanilla and "heavier kink meetups" it's a little challenging to reply fully accurately. 

My personal experience and observations tie in to some of what @Pet_Mimic has said about hookup culture infiltrating kink & BDSM.

People are wanting immediate gratification and a specific experience they aren't looking at potential partners as a whole person and treating them as such. It doesn't matter who they are as a person or if they like and get along with each other as just people first. It's shallow and surface level. 

Vanilla shouldn't be a four letter word, regardless of how it's being used. I dislike when kinksters use it in a derogatory way like it's a negative, it's gatekeepy and unappealing. Vanilla isn't less than and kink and BDSM it's "better" they're simply different things that can exist together or separate. 

[Th****]

10 hours ago, CurvedViking said:

I understand the married women asking for something more than they get at home, it is often why they have opened their relationship, but lately I have seen an uptick in the single women looking for relationships to start wanting more kink upfront… maybe I need to view the source of here, Feeld and Fet Life being more direct with what they are looking for…

Different people will want to progress at different rates. This is where i feel very clear discussion up front is important to determine if you're on the same page as others as far as what they're looking for or what their understanding of something is. Relationships come in many forms, friendships, play partners, romantic, sexual, D/s dynamics. I'd like to see more people asking "what does that mean to you?" or saying things like "what this looks like for me is...." 

[Th****]

5 hours ago, DommeDelight said:

I definitely agree that vanilla is also needed. I tried FLR for 18 months and the pressure on me as Domme to always initiate kink sessions……. I really missed the romance of a snuggle and snog and making love.

This makes me a bit sad to hear that was your experience. It shouldn't be that way, "the romance of a snuggle and snog and making love" can and should absolutely still be part of it all. An FLR is still a relationship at it's foundation. 

59 minutes ago, DommeDelight said:

Now I’m interested thinking about the opposite way you’re suggesting. For some reason, whether it’s a female thing I don’t know, I’m less happy having vanilla sex with someone I’m not close to, than I am having kink play. 🤔

I don't think this is gender based at all, it's likely more sexuality based. As in someone being allosexual, demisexual, noetisexual, grey, ace, etc. 

There's also a separation between simply kink play as a top or bottom and D/s where the connection and intimacy can go so much deeper. 

[Do****]

13 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

I don't think this is gender based at all, it's likely more sexuality based. As in someone being allosexual, demisexual, noetisexual, grey, ace, etc. 

There's also a separation between simply kink play as a top or bottom and D/s where the connection and intimacy can go so much deeper. 

I don’t know how you get to quote certain bits…. Whether that’s a web based thing not available in the app?
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But yes that’s how it felt. There was affection but the assumption was that it would lead to D:s play every time. I found I missed him just taking the initiative and wanting to take me to bed. The idea that anything that occurred was always initiated by me and with me in control, and led to disappointment if it wasn’t kink. I didn’t want to be a bottom, just wanted him to show he wanted me for more than being his Domme I guess. I suggested he be in control once when having sex. His hand went straight to my throat so I put a stop to that and didn’t suggest it again. It was my second attempt at FLR and the first only lasted a couple of months. I think I definitely had the balance very wrong, and there’s definitely something to be said for the importance of vanilla alongside kink or there’s a notable gap in the relationship.
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People talk of CNC where a Domme lives with her male as a slave long term, always under her control. I wonder how they manage without the affection or natural expression of desire. No vanilla at all. Do they get that from someone else?

[Salacious67]

2 hours ago, DommeDelight said:

I think the idea of a slow build is an interesting question, as I take it completely the opposite way around and hadn’t considered doing it that way. I am happier starting off with kinky and letting it become more intimate if the chemistry develops. So I don’t kiss or have any penetration (except pegging 😈) unless I get very close to them and it develops into something. At which point I would probably not be seeing other subs. I have a slow build from kink to include vanilla.
.
Now I’m interested thinking about the opposite way you’re suggesting. For some reason, whether it’s a female thing I don’t know, I’m less happy having vanilla sex with someone I’m not close to, than I am having kink play. 🤔

I think everyone deep down wants and need the vanilla side as balance, we all crave connection as humans being to be  hugged, kissed, feel wanted and to make love and to have those date nights enjoying good food, wine and company it goes hand in hand. 
 

I do like your idea though of building up that connection first to see what develops through kink is a great idea and in a wave it also creates the dynamic foundation form which to move forward on if things develop further. 
 

I alway think about the normal way of meeting someone vanilla first being awkward and less open as them you come the the kink and then sex side of the relationship it can be difficult to express your emotions and desires for a certain dynamic and it can be hard to set those expectations and boundaries properly and the other person may not feel the same want entering into a dynamic, leaving someone to get hurt or embarrassed. 
 

Turning things on it’s head is a novel idea in my opinion. 

[BruiseWayne]

3 hours ago, DommeDelight said:

People talk of CNC where a Domme lives with her male as a slave long term, always under her control. I wonder how they manage without the affection or natural expression of desire. No vanilla at all. Do they get that from someone else?

I can only speak from my experience here, but I was in one of those 24/7 live-in relationships before as the Dom, and we didn't not include vanilla things into the mix it was just understood that whatever I wanted to be in charge of I would be in charge of that. We did a lot of lovey dovey kinda stuff, but the M/d dynamic was a very big part of the things we did and experienced together. It was always practical to have certain aspects of the dynamic ALWAYS being active in the first place too. Like if we were out in public or around vanilla folks or other couples who weren't kinky. 

 

IMHO even in a live-in M/s relationship things aren't completely devoid of romatic type feelings or emotions they just wind up getting expressed in different ways. 

 

Though it's not completely inconceivable to me that certain people might not gaf about any of that and just want to be enslaved by someone else. I'm sure it happens often enough, but I would venture to guess it's kinda rare. 

[Do****]

1 hour ago, BruiseWayne said:

I can only speak from my experience here, but I was in one of those 24/7 live-in relationships before as the Dom, and we didn't not include vanilla things into the mix it was just understood that whatever I wanted to be in charge of I would be in charge of that. We did a lot of lovey dovey kinda stuff, but the M/d dynamic was a very big part of the things we did and experienced together. It was always practical to have certain aspects of the dynamic ALWAYS being active in the first place too. Like if we were out in public or around vanilla folks or other couples who weren't kinky. 

 

IMHO even in a live-in M/s relationship things aren't completely devoid of romatic type feelings or emotions they just wind up getting expressed in different ways. 

 

Though it's not completely inconceivable to me that certain people might not gaf about any of that and just want to be enslaved by someone else. I'm sure it happens often enough, but I would venture to guess it's kinda rare. 

I was thinking more the CNC slave set up. Where the slave is always on their knees. Sleeps on the floor. Stays in the house when the Mistress leaves etc. Eats after the Mistress. Where there’s a CNC contract in place. The stricter level of D:s where s is slave.

[BruiseWayne]

9 minutes ago, DommeDelight said:

I was thinking more the CNC slave set up. Where the slave is always on their knees. Sleeps on the floor. Stays in the house when the Mistress leaves etc. Eats after the Mistress. Where there’s a CNC contract in place. The stricter level of D:s where s is slave.

Ah. Well I'm sure you need to REALLY get to know someone before you agree to a setup like that where you're basically giving up completely control of your life. So I would imagine that's not something someone just jumps into lightly and those two people really know one another. 

 

Then again people can be incredibly stupid too, so who knows right?

[Ra****]

I thought vanilla was a term for white people