Advice needed

[Deleted Member]

You have to tell him the truth. He’s probably saying he’s into it because he wants to try for you. You have to tell him the truth and then he’ll be insecure about being a “better dom” than the other people you hooked up with. So communicate about what you like so that he can be better and then make sure he knows that

[Tc****]

Always be honest and you already cheated on him so you should do the new scene and be his friend. Definitely don't keep cheating on him tho obviously. That's the main problem in relationships. Not being honest or faithful. Shitty. I don't judge I'd help you cheat too it's not my conscience but you should not keep doing that to him. That kills men also not just ladies

[Deleted Member]

If you're trying to reconnect with him you probably shouldn't be trying to connect with other men. If you'll notice the majority of poly people don't have lasting relationships. A lot of failed marriages because of it as well.

[Ki****]

I’m kinda of a similar view to the others here. You got back together for a reason and you say you love him. If you DO Love him and want to make it work then focus on YOUR relationship. Is he just saying he’s into Kink because he IS? I suggest using the BDSMtest.org to find out. If you both do it and then share results. Answered honestly, the results will perhaps help you both work together. Ideally, you have a Dom and Sub with the respective opposite needs. If not, then you’d have to work together to see how you can make it fun for both of you. Hope this helps.

[ey****]

Since there's some bits you're on the fence over - tell him the truth and see what happens.

That...

You're unsure if he is actually into kink.  But that doesn't mean you won't do anything

That you have been hooking up with other guys to explore

If he is (genuinely) interested in exploring kink, then maybe you could - but that also doesn't mean stopping the other hook ups.  Or.  He doesn't have to want to explore things, you can still be a couple but that make it clear you will be meeting people for play. 

[On****]

Time to have some difficult conversations with your husband, the foundation of kink and bdsm is trust and communication, you both need to feel secure in expressing needs wants and desires, and to figure out how you can help eachother discover what works and may not work in your dynamic.

[Sweetestsadist]

Sometimes the love of our lives can't provide everything we need. I was headed for a divorce as well. But we really did love each other still. So after finding out he had a kink as well (which didn't line up with mine), we had many therapy sessions with a relationship therapist (specializing in kink). We are now in a great place with an ENM marriage. It can work. As expensive as therapy is, it's a lot cheaper than a divorce. I have my best friend back too. It can work! It's an effort on both. Lots of talking. There are no secrets between us, minus the things our other partners share with us. Those things have nothing to do with our relationship. Best of luck to you. I hope you find some clarity!

[Th****]

Sounds bad saying this but what the eyes don't see and the ears don't hear the heart can't mourbn.

[Th****]

4 hours ago, Sweetestsadist said:

Sometimes the love of our lives can't provide everything we need. I was headed for a divorce as well. But we really did love each other still. So after finding out he had a kink as well (which didn't line up with mine), we had many therapy sessions with a relationship therapist (specializing in kink). We are now in a great place with an ENM marriage. It can work. As expensive as therapy is, it's a lot cheaper than a divorce. I have my best friend back too. It can work! It's an effort on both. Lots of talking. There are no secrets between us, minus the things our other partners share with us. Those things have nothing to do with our relationship. Best of luck to you. I hope you find some clarity!

This. Therapy both individually and together, find kink/BDSM friendly/informed providers. 

You say that you feel like he's being manipulative while you're also telling us that you're manipulating him. Lying to him about seeing other people is manipulation.

 

It also seems like you're doing some projecting your desires for what you want his interests in kink to berather than allowing space for authentic curiosity and exploration. Leave the assumptions about roles aside and start from a place of learning and curiosity. 

[lukaspot]

Honesty is the kinkiest start, if you want real heat, lay it all out. Either he steps up as your Dom or you walk away, but playing games won’t satisfy either of you.

[Deleted Member]

Be honest with him 100% if u love him the way u say and in this lifestyle u need to be 100 with him all the time if not brake up and be with someone that u can be 100 with

[Pe****]

I'm sure my opinion won't be the most liked but I'm a fan of hard truths.
The two major questions only you can answer.
You love him. Why?
You want a Dom. Why?
You aren't loyal and you don't respect him, but those things don't matter to him because he's desperate to keep you. Because of this, you think he'll do anything to keep you. You call this manipulation to make it a punishable flaw in him when the real issue is that it's submissive and you want a somebody to Dom you, to take charge. It's much easier to justify leaving somebody who is trying to manipulate you than somebody who isn't satisfying your hedonistic desires.
.
What are you willing to do to make this work? He needs to learn to be dominant, if that's possible. This might mean rules to establish a power dynamic. Getting him to think in terms of pleasing himself instead of JUST you. It might mean you not getting what you want while he learns to provide it. Are you willing to find a Dom (or more likely a Domme, another woman generally makes a man more comfortable) to teach him? If you're worried about him just trying to please you, are you willing to find another sub he could use the same ways you want him to use you? Getting a submissive person comfortable with being dominant is extremely difficult when they already view themselves as submissive toward the person you want them to Dom.
.
You got 3 options:
1. Stay with him and help him learn to be what you desire; beyond the reasons you already claim to love him.
2. Stay with him, but make make it an open relationship; for both of you.
3. Leave him and stay out of his life. No break up and get back together games.
.
What is not something to do is continuing to do things behind his back. It's not fair toward either of you.
.
Figure out what matters to you and act accordingly. Good luck
If you actually appreciate what I had to say, you're welcome to message me privately.

[Yi****]

I've always wondered if the most successful couples have the same fetish. Almost anyone can roleplay , why don't you two try that angle. You said you are experimenting so perhaps results may vary. I think you also said you've enjoyed being a sub recently so that is a sign.

[Yi****]

PS I don't suggest revealing all truths if it will harm somebody else some things we do need to keep private however I'd also look for some spiritual forgiveness for that decision also like telling a therapist Maybe

[my****]

Don’t get back together with him, tell him you’re looking for something else. Set him free, even if it hurts him. He’s trying to hold on to you, and clearly you’re already gone.

[Deleted Member]

Be honest about your self discovery while you were separated... the question is if youre going to try and make an ACTUAL go at getting back together. If so. The best place would be marital counseling where you can have a mediator help you work through this unknown territory....gage his comfort level in discussions and express concerns to the therapist and have them draw it out... more often than not people admit tobthings they normally wouldn't in presence of a third party as opposed to 1 on 1

[na****]

Never understood why the reflection of the dog is so perplexing to me. Like on one hand I’m like yeah it gets tricked into the illusion of another dog right. But on the other hand it’s like aye let me set my bone down and see what is up with this dog, but then again it’s back to the dog not trusting to lay the bone down because the illusion of the dog right? It’s many ways this thing could go to me. So it’s a little weird 😂 but I get from it is TRUST.

[gk***fan]

I'm not going to make a recommendation one way or the other, but it kind of sounds like you already know what the answer is. Instead, I am going to state a few things as I see them.

1. There is zero trust in this relationship. You don't trust that he is being honest with his desires and feel that he is being manipulative. You are also not being honest about your experiences while you were apart. You cannot have a D/S relationship without trust, respect, and clear communication.
2. You two split once already and are now trying to get back together, what made you two so incompatible in the first place that you called it off? What's so different now that you think it will work this time?
3. You really need to step back and ask yourself honestly, "Do I actually still love him or am I attached to the idea of being with the person I want him to be?"