Advice needed

[Tonyaflowers]

Ok,  so I have been in the fetish life for awhike now. The problem is, my husband is not. We were seperated for awhile and recently are trying to reconnect, and get back together. We have never really talked about this stuff before, and when I told him that I am interested in the kinky stuff, all of a sudden he says he is into kknky stuff too, just could never talk about it. Feeling guilty about thise things. But now he wants to explor it all with me. The problem is, I dont believe him. He just doesnt seem like the dominant type(im a sub)I think he is just saying it all to try and manipulate me in some way. And I havent exactly been hinest with him. I have told him I havent been with anyone else since we been back together, but I have been hookng up with a few guys here and there, exploring my kinky side. I dont think exploring it with him will yield results, but I just dont know what to do? Should I be honest with him and try and move forward should I abandon him altogether(I still love him). Or should I keep things as is. Im so emotionality confused. Any advice would be grateful.

[domegranate]

I don't think anything built on lies and distrust is made to last or good for the soul, even if love is there.

[ch****]

Do you still love him if you've been sleeping with others

[domegranate]

I think blatent honesty or cutting it off are the only options that hold a future. Things might hurt if they don't work out, but if you're dishonest with each other and string it along, it'll probably fail for the same reasons with a lot of wasted time in between.

[Lord_Talion]

Proof is in the pudding. Attend events together, see how he does. If he really isn't dominant I've known some couples that submit together and have known others that are willing to do more than theirr usually comfortable with for their partner

[Ta****]

Honesty is always best, even though it may be uncomfortable to do it is the only way if you want to make it work. Put yourself in his shoes if later down the line he admits he wasnt honest about the same thing how hurt would you be. Honesty is always the best for me.

[Zis]

Hey you, people can be very soft in vanilla life and a hard dom in sessions, like me.
Beside that, deciding while an impulse might never be a good idea. So why is a decision needed right now? If you love him, give him the room to explore and grow. If not possible you can decide later with the knowledge that you tried everything to make it work.
Best wishes

[Deleted Member]

I keep hearing that BDSM is built respect, honesty and consent. It seems that you may both be missing the mark.

[Sh****]

Watch porn together , take turns picking videos …Go to lifestyle events together… join fetlife , join community groups on fetlife that are close to you so you know where all the play parties and munches are at. Make a precedent to have one kinky date a week , if there’s always an excuse you know he’s full of shit. As far as telling him about your infidelities I would refrain, just stop cheating on him. If you are monogamous and wish to be non monogamous discuss it with him.

[Ha****]

Take the bdsmtest.org you both need to answer truthfully and honestly it'll give you an outline of each other's beginning kinks which will evolve in time that is if you both want to be with one another. Then take again in 3 months and see where you stand how your evolving that's part of being truthful with one another.

[Ki****]

My 2p worth of wisdom so please take it as it is.
First be honest with yourself do you see him as you Dom? Would you surrender to him?
Don't get me wrong we all been newbies at some point.
Second who you been with while not together is your personal life you cna share if you feel comfortable but not mandatory, you know him better than us can he accept the truth or will it break him?
Life style and clarity comes from within foremost.

[Emazin1980]

I know it's a hit and miss I've tried it with the last relationship and she turned out extremely jealous about me letting another woman enjoy me

[Jmugg]

Just do what is right tell him the truth apologize. Then you have room to grow.

[OlivierChester]

I would start with why did you separate in the first place. If the reasons are still valid then I personally don't think it is a good idea to start again whatever the new form it takes. You should move on.

Assuming things have changed, you have been together for years and you should have a pretty good feel if he has a Dom side. From what you wrote it seems that you dont think he is.

So unless you are still in love with him, and this would be the right opportunity to give it a second chance. I would say be honest with yourself and him, don't entertain the idea of a back together and move on.

[ki****]

You’ve already told us your decision. You just need to take it. Hope you think of yourself as the more important part of it. Good luck to you two.

[Deleted Member]

As a woman who was once married & now divorced & also was not too sexually compatible with my ex...Love is still pretty important. All I can offer in advice is: definitely think carefully before divorce..especially someone you love. There are ways to improve that might be worth it, if he's willing: sex therapist, etc. Divorce is so hard and you can start out feeling relief, thinking you made the best decision in the circumstances..and then regret it later on. Just my opinion, but I also personally think it's pretty important to be honest w a serious partner (established bf, husband, etc) about anything the average person might consider important. My ex husband was bossy and took care of a lot of things but he was pretty vanilla w me and when I asked to spice it up, he kinda ignored my requests (he was way more experienced sexually when we got together, compared to me, so I found that surprising)...I cheated soon after that but I always regretted not trying a little harder first..

[Wi****]

Be honest with him about your infidelity, at least give him the opportunity to break the spell you somehow have on him, god knows how!

[co****]

I am in the middle of a divorce right now. This is my best advice I can give. It is definitely difficult, but I was in a loveless marriage where the other person didn't care about my wants and needs, and just wasn't a great partner not just in bed but also a partner in general. If you are feeling this way you can try to confront it, see a therapist and talk through some of it and what your options are. If you don't think you'll be able to bring yourself to the point of trusting him, you are better to cut bait than wait, because you will both just get more resentful by the day and you don't want to be 3 years down the road feeling the same way.

[ka****]

You gotta give him a shot. He’s talking the talk, see if he can walk the walk. You love him so atleast give him that. Get all the prejudices out of your head and see what it do. I’d have a convo before so he knows what you’re into and go from there.

[Fi****]

How about option three. Being dominant is a state of mind. An ex gf asked after a few months of being together “Why didn’t you tell me you were a Dom?” I didn’t know. I’d had maybe 6-8 partners before my gf. Including my ex wife and that was 20 years. And with my ex wife. It wasn’t “vanilla” but mostly. Anytime I wanted something more it was kinda shut down. So I can understand where you stand on your needs and feelings about your husband. Just based on how my ex gf knew. So third option. Hot wife. Maybe your husband would cuck. That would have to be a whole different kind of discussion. But I’d ask if the two of you watch porn together? May be a way to give a subtle hint. You’re a sub. Watch his body language. Listen to how he talks about it if you say anything. I’m always for trying to work things out. And it may not. But hot wife has become far more accepted. Good luck and if you can’t be good, be good at it.

[ka****]

I would keep the infidelity to myself for now. That plus the fact you didn’t give him a chance could go left. And I’m thinking he should have put it on you knowing you were down with it, but again, give him a shot and put emphasis on how bad you need this so he’s motivated to come with it🤷🏾‍♂️

[Or****]

I feel like he should be given the chance to be a dom, but he should also be told about the other guys.

[Deleted Member]

Honesty is actually the best policy. Considering you already know what your going to get from your husband and you won't be happy. I'd say move forward and explore yourself.

[Purple_Rabbit]

That's sad to read, he suddenly changed his mind and states he is into it suddenly and you say, manipulate you, that's so negative, clearly he is trying, don't knock him on that, if you have to post something about him, a bf on here, where i bet he hasn't read what you've said here. I would be honest and surrender this attempt of an relationship as well. just saying, that's my choice and that's what i've done with my ex, cut all ties, because, if you don't know, you clearly shouldn't move forwards till you know what step to actually take in the first step, or you may do more damage with out realising. end of the day, your life, your choice, you do what you feel is right. :)

[Deleted Member]

Real talk; Don't even bother reconnecting if you're gonna sleep around without even talking about it. Unless he's abusive and you're not telling us, he doesn't deserve this crap. You should've been open and honest with him when you've had the chance, now you'll never get to see if he can dom you how you like. DO NOT get back with him only to sleep around and accuse him of trying to manipulate you because he's trying to give you what you want. Either tell him everything, accept his response NO MATTER what it is, and move forward with honesty or move on to another victim.