Narcissist, ***r, Sadist, Dom?

[To****]

This a common concern throughout the community. How do you know? Do they know? Does it matter?

What are the signs?
How do you navigate?
How do you engage?
Why is it important?


Help… Share your knowledge and opinions.

[RFX]

I must confess being a Mentor/ DOM/ Sadist / Gentleman isn’t such a bad thing.
Iam proud living it out!
👌

[Pe****]

I've been in the scene for over 16 years and practicing kink longer than that. I've met a woman who identified as submissive and openly preached for respect and no means no. She is the type of person who will wait outside another person's home and commit r4pe to get what she wants. I know another guy who is a leader in the local community who has broken the trust and boundaries of multiple submissives, but he is the man at the head of the table, so they excuse the behavior. I know a number of people who have developed connections, which grant them leniency when the average person doing what they do would be banned from the community. 49.5% of the people aren't worth trusting, 49.5% hate you for existing, and that final 1% might be worth your time if they aren't corrupted by the other 99%.
.
How do you know? You don't. People lie about who they are. People lie about who other people are. Some people who everyone thinks are pillars of the community are trash. Some people who the community thinks are trash are diamonds in the rough. No matter who you spend time with, you're rolling the dice. I have a good gut instinct, not that I always listen to it, and that's the best you can have to listen to. Even if we proclaim ourselves to be accepting and building relationships on trust, the kink community is no better than anybody else.
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I live on an island in a smallish community. This much crap goes on behind the scenes in my little corner. Who knows how much goes on in a big city.

[Da****]

In my opinion the kink or BDSM community has become a somewhat safe haven for a lot of predators. I think because out of being discreet to an extent these people have taken advantage of that. A lot of the time it means outing yourself. That is why I have become such a strong advocate for this community. If I see something that I would consider predatory I will be the loudest voice in the room. I did see it first had. This group I was a part of had a lot of consent ***s happening at several events. I became the loudest voice but basically told to shut it. Let's just say I made my exit very quickly. A few weeks later a guy was charged with r. Also it came to surface he was spiking girls drinks. Did I receive an apology?? No. So how do we know?? We can't until it might be to late. That is why vetting people is very important. Meet and greet in public places are very important. It's time to stop these predators from gaining access to people in the community.

[ey****]

I was gonna write something but it got insanely long - and - in short, there's often no way to tell

On one hand, of course, sometimes people/styles are just not compatible and that's just life - like, I mean, calling yourself Master or a Dominant is a narcisistic trait - arguing you earned that right is another narcisistic trait - but it's not really a bad thing, everyone can be narcissistic at times.

But anyhow.   Some things I would generally watch out for 

- wants passwords/logins/devices to your socials : this could be under the guise of "protection"

- tries to steer you away from advice, that could be keeping off sites or keeping you away from community.

- won't take no for an answer / ignores nos / persistence

- presents their way of Domination (or submission) as being the only "true" way

- calls a lot of other people fake

- excessive jealousy

- *** "if you were a real Dom/sub you would...."

- Tries to rush into ownership, 24/7, etc as a starting point rather than end point

- attempts to use a contract as anything other than fun/symbolism/communication

- tries to negotiate mid scene

- tries to do things not negotitated to mid scene

- tries to skip consent conversations, citing experience

- claims to be a newbie and hides behind naivety

- uses language citing that victims "make up accusations" 

- ghosts after play

- disappears and returns as if nothing has happened

- doesn't seem to consider your needs

- attempts to control finances outside of an agreed framework

[Deleted Member]

There’s a component of the community that’s being overlooked and that’s neurodivergent specifically autistic members of the community kink and BDSM roles. All of it is intrinsic to our make up and the reason why narcissist come to it is because it’s a place to control and in the dynamics of human beings, theempathic always attracts the predatory, but we are more than them and if there’s a few loudest voices in the room they’re the ones that make the quick exit

[Deleted Member]

And also, I’ll tell you that there’s narcissistic women on the submissive side that are masquerading as subs that are just doing the inverse and not giving not taking initiative not being what they say. And that’s why you can see narcissism and predatory behavior. It doesn’t feel right. Your nervous system doesn’t feel safe and calm. It doesn’t feel reassuring. It feels confusing. It feels like you have to. There’s all kinds of signs. They have a small tool belt and when they get pressed, they use it in rapid succession and they show themselves.They’ve seen us for years and now we see them.

[Deleted Member]

And one other component of the merit divergent of the autistic community is that we are upwards of 10 times more likely to be ***d because of our differences and five times less likely to be the offenders of it so starts to make sense who’s doing the abusing, they don’t have to be a narcissist for saying they can use the tool out of use in neglect because they were a shame. It’s false self.

[Ta****]

BDSM is ideal for narcissists and psychopaths, I met a few. You do not recognize them or other abusive people if you have not met them before. Even if you have, they mask and act differently. I've become faster in recognizing them - but still fell for a pretty borderliner with narc traits a couple of months ago.
Some people have a better gut feeling than me. Other like me will recognize it when they get hurt - but breaking it off is also not fun.

[Mi****]

It does take practice but I think the more knowledge you gain through experience and research, the easier it gets to recognise such people. By then though, it can be too late for some people and they experience a great deal of hurt.

[Deleted Member]

What is the second, censored word - I beg you pardon? I’m a foreigner, it’s hard to guess

[La****]

Like some people already stated above, what you can do to prevent is relying on your intuition and gut feelings. Yet, to be able to have sharp intuition, you need to learn pattern recognition that mostly will gained from knowing and respecting yourself, experiences and learning. Even by all of that, you can still be fooled. Thus, the best you can do it not to get attached too fast and giving yourself too much for a person. For a long term thing, I might say three months is the minimum to spot necessary red flags. Time usually gives the revelation. Self perseverance can only be done by being cautious and aware.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Villainellee said:

What is the second, censored word - I beg you pardon? I’m a foreigner, it’s hard to guess

a - b - u - s - e -r

a banned word on the site to protect the kiddies. 

[Ca****]

Found on tumblr, written by: gentleman dominant daddy.

This is not a complete list, but these are some important things to watch out for:

-Desperate/thirsty. An established dom is not hurting for sex. He won’t be just trying to get nudes or hook up. If they’re pushing for nudes right away, that’s a flag.

-Assuming Dominance. If they assume dominance and start giving commands without getting to know you or get your consent, that’s a flag.

-Too Young. If he’s 20 something and calling himself a daddy, that’s a flag. A dom, maybe. But not a daddy. He’s going to cause harm even without knowing what he’s doing.

-Hot Temper. A Daddy is someone who is in control, first of all he’s in control of himself. Any person who cannot control their own temper has no business being a Dom. Ever. That’s a flag.

-Poor Communication. It is absolutely essential for a DD to be a good communicator. If that’s lacking, or if you’re always wondering when you’ll hear from him next, that’s a flag.

-Erratic Behavior. Sudden mood swings, changes in behavior, etc, are all red flags. Remember, a Daddy should be a calm and steady presence.

-Unresolved trauma. A healthy DD will be working through his mental and emotional issues with a licensed therapist. This includes mental issues or disorders. If he’s severely depressed, Bipolar, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or any other mental disorders, He should not be a Dom. If he says he’s figuring things out on his own without professional help, that’s a flag.

-Only Interested in Sex. A healthy DD is there for much more than sex. While it is true the dynamic of the relationship is highly sexual, he must care for you beyond just play time.

-Inflexible/uncompromising. A healthy DD will understand that sometimes things don’t work out according to his schedule, and he should be able to compromise and change with whatever happens.

-Alcohol or drug dependency. Again, a DD should be in control of himself at all times, that means he should not be inebriated or high unless it is a rare occasion. He simply has too much power to allow himself to not be in control of himself.

-Does not check-in or use safe words. A healthy DD regularly checks in with you to see how you’re doing and make sure you’re doing okay.

[Ta****]

7 hours ago, Capt_1_Eye said:

Found on tumblr, written by: gentleman dominant daddy.

This is not a complete list, but these are some important things to watch out for:

-Desperate/thirsty. An established dom is not hurting for sex. He won’t be just trying to get nudes or hook up. If they’re pushing for nudes right away, that’s a flag.

-Assuming Dominance. If they assume dominance and start giving commands without getting to know you or get your consent, that’s a flag.

-Too Young. If he’s 20 something and calling himself a daddy, that’s a flag. A dom, maybe. But not a daddy. He’s going to cause harm even without knowing what he’s doing.

-Hot Temper. A Daddy is someone who is in control, first of all he’s in control of himself. Any person who cannot control their own temper has no business being a Dom. Ever. That’s a flag.

-Poor Communication. It is absolutely essential for a DD to be a good communicator. If that’s lacking, or if you’re always wondering when you’ll hear from him next, that’s a flag.

-Erratic Behavior. Sudden mood swings, changes in behavior, etc, are all red flags. Remember, a Daddy should be a calm and steady presence.

-Unresolved trauma. A healthy DD will be working through his mental and emotional issues with a licensed therapist. This includes mental issues or disorders. If he’s severely depressed, Bipolar, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or any other mental disorders, He should not be a Dom. If he says he’s figuring things out on his own without professional help, that’s a flag.

-Only Interested in Sex. A healthy DD is there for much more than sex. While it is true the dynamic of the relationship is highly sexual, he must care for you beyond just play time.

-Inflexible/uncompromising. A healthy DD will understand that sometimes things don’t work out according to his schedule, and he should be able to compromise and change with whatever happens.

-Alcohol or drug dependency. Again, a DD should be in control of himself at all times, that means he should not be inebriated or high unless it is a rare occasion. He simply has too much power to allow himself to not be in control of himself.

-Does not check-in or use safe words. A healthy DD regularly checks in with you to see how you’re doing and make sure you’re doing okay.

That's a nice list. Except for 20yo not being a daddy seems like gatekeeping - with someone around their own age they can figure who's daddy and have fun