Bryant41221 Posted July 25 My wife was introduced to BDSM by a previous partner and has recently opened up that her sex drive is gone because I’m not really in to that. I want to be and I want to be what she needs but have no idea where to start. We talk a little and she says I need to read up.
UrsaMajor Posted July 25 Look man, I'm not the arbiter of what is and isn't good wife behavior. But it seems to me like if this is something she wants, she ought to be willing to discuss and turn you on to what needs changing.
Wy**** Posted July 25 Under your profile, it says "courses". Take a look at that. I have not looked through them myself, but it should be a good start. Also, ask her what particular kinks she is into, and try to focus on those. See if she wants to show you videos or pictures of the ones she is into. If you run across others that sound interesting to you, let her know, as it will probably help the situation immensely for her to know that you are studying and learning for her. If anyone suggests to have someone else involved, do not listen to them; this is something you two need to work on alone.
sardonicus87 Posted July 25 4 minutes ago, UrsaMajor said: Look man, I'm not the arbiter of what is and isn't good wife behavior. But it seems to me like if this is something she wants, she ought to be willing to discuss and turn you on to what needs changing. Completely agree. Communication is key, and if she's unwilling to communicate, she doesn't deserve to have needs met that she won't articulate.
Dy**** Posted July 25 This doesn't sound like a helpful partner at all. If she has this need, she should be able to openly discuss it, and either have resources on hand, or be willing to help you find them. How you wrote this comes off suspicious, and more in line with a manipulation tactic to get you to be ok with her stepping out to get her "needs" met elsewhere. I hope I'm wrong, but history on this site tells me otherwise. Good luck.
Re**** Posted July 25 Also ask her questions, what dose she like? How? What has she done? Want to do? Take notes. Then look up what she tells you, that way your not indodated on a bunch of extra info. Look for a local munche, go together and see how it goes.
fr**** Posted July 25 She needs to open up about it, that’s the the only way she gets what she want. She should’ve known to help point you in the right direction to information about it. That’s the bare minimum. Tell her that you are no mind reader. (Or potentially tell her to grow up.) Ask what Kinks and Fetish she might have. Ask her to elaborate, and show you. But I suggest as the above poster, to search for munches, classes, programs and courses, because there’s a lot to this lifestyle. In the end you have to ask yourself what you want for yourself too. Can’t *** the lifestyle on you.
Do**** Posted July 25 There are SOOO many different branches to "Bdsm" that there's a slim chance you're going to just guess the exact right way she's looking for. I have no idea how you and your wife communicate; I'm not going to put the blame solely on her. For all any of us know she's been hinting at what she wants for a long time. For all any of us know she's been trying. And now that she's admitted to not feeling aroused you're willing to listen because you want sex. I have no clue. As for her being unwilling to communicate; my first instinct is she maybe afraid of being judged by you when she tells you what she wants. So try reassuring her you're open to listen and you want to learn.
Lord_Talion Posted July 25 Reading is for idiots. Find an experienced dom or master to train you to be what she needs. Or fake it till you make it
Th**** Posted July 25 Agree with all the above. Even if she's been dropping subtle hints along the way, you're both adults in a relationship, so it's on her to guide the conversation. If you balk, that's on you, but telling you to study up and come back primed to give her what she needs is a bullshit response to a conversation she started, and allows her to sidestep any responsibility. These conversations are never easy, but what is the point of a relationship if this kinda nonsense is going to be present. She needs to be present and communicative, and you need to create an environment where, regardless of what she shares, she feels heard and safe. If y'all are at an impasse after that, then it's a new conversation, but hopefully you meet in the middle. Bottom line, though, she brought it up, she takes point (I do think referencing a past partner as a way to broach dissatisfaction with your sex life is a shitty way to open up, though. There are more sensitive/empathetic ways to get there)
Be**** Posted July 25 Maybe try asking her what she likes, enjoys and what she would like to experience specifically. Is there a certain role she wants you to play? Just talk about what turns her on and then you can see if you can fulfill these desires of hers. Maybe some of what she likes will turn you on also. As someone mentioned above there are so many different sides to cover under your BDSM umbrella. Just communicate.
2a**** Posted July 25 I will say for me after being in lifestyle in and out for about 15 years and then getting into a relationship with someone who wasn't my sex drive was definitely not how it was during the times when I was active she knew it she could tell and I could tell but as soon as we end it things changed and I got back to who I was and I see now that that was an issue because I was trying to make it look like it wasn't or didn't know if it really was.
Mi**** Posted July 25 I hate to say it dog, but this is the point in which she’s telling you you’re not it . This is just one thing off of her list of reasons why you’re not the guy this is the one big one that she’s gonna use against you until the big D paperwork hits
ey**** Posted July 25 Every now and then someone signs up with a blank profile and posts a question which doesn't make sense. Sometimes they even try the same question after periods of time, making even less sense. Like, you met her, dated, married and all this time didn't work on kink she knew was important to her - and she says it's important to her, but isn't giving any guidance - on even what to read up on And then you sign up and clearly having not done any reading, make a post.
St**** Posted July 25 Now, I have a different opinion. Before you give up ask her what really turns her on and what she really wants. You get on here and take the bdsm test and have her take and see how far apart you are and see how close you are . Go through the classes to learn what you need to I think that she will be honored that you are trying to learn and you might learn some new things about yourself, you might learn some new kinks about you. Good luck
su**** Posted July 25 Jesus some positive comments on here for you Just be honest and ask her what she likes and explore together nothing better then starting a journey open minded and working out what works for you both Kink and bdam is so vast and unlimited and just remember it’s about having fun and enjoying yourselves, don’t hide from it have a laugh with it
Ra**** Posted July 25 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: Every now and then someone signs up with a blank profile and posts a question which doesn't make sense. Sometimes they even try the same question after periods of time, making even less sense. Like, you met her, dated, married and all this time didn't work on kink she knew was important to her - and she says it's important to her, but isn't giving any guidance - on even what to read up on And then you sign up and clearly having not done any reading, make a post. How was your comment helpful? Or necessary…. you realize you could scroll past it without tossing in your negative opinion.
TheFirstHoeKage Posted July 25 Dear Bryant, I commend you for your willingness to explore new aspects of intimacy with your wife. It's essential that both partners are on the same page and open to growth before diving into any specific practices or habits. To start, I recommend taking some time for self-reflection and reading up on topics like emotional intelligence, communication skills, and healthy relationship dynamics. Some great resources include books like "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. When it comes to exploring different fetishes or lifestyle choices as a couple, it's important to approach these conversations with curiosity and openness. Common areas for couples to explore together might include roleplay scenarios (like dominant/submissive play), sensory deprivation techniques (like blindfolds or soundproofing), or even more adventurous activities (like bondage or light *** exchange). Remember, the key is not just about finding what feels good in the moment but also creating a deeper sense of trust, vulnerability, and shared intimacy between you two. Take things slow, communicate openly about boundaries and desires, and prioritize building a strong foundation of love and respect above all else. Wishing you both all the best, Lori
ar**** Posted July 25 Maybe she is telling you to read up (without her being an active participant in "getting you ready"), because she's used to being told what to do & her knowing this in advance because she "fed you the pointers" would destroy any surprise and excitement for her?
So**** Posted July 25 10 minutes ago, arnhem961 said: Maybe she is telling you to read up (without her being an active participant in "getting you ready"), because she's used to being told what to do & her knowing this in advance because she "fed you the pointers" would destroy any surprise and excitement for her? You're assuming she's the sub?
sp**** Posted July 25 That’s a bunch of bullshit that you have to redesign yourself for her sexual needs. Because she’s probably been elevated well beyond average. If she wants a better sex drive, she should work out with weights and as a team, you guys should learn what she needs together not just her telling you go figure it out! Then she has an excuse for you to fail for her to go find something else elsewhere
Pinkpariscutie Posted July 25 If you are interested and she wants it. There's several google information on it. But ask her what she is specifically into. So you know what to research. Does she want you to be a Dom or a Sub? What exactly does she like? Bondage, whipping paddles spanking being controlled etc. Best of luck 🤞
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