LA**** Posted August 1 Also, for when it gets hot and fun, there's the nuanced color "blue" for "give me more of that" and I came up with another on my own, "orange" for "switch it up, this activity has satiated me enough"
Br**** Posted August 1 Don't change who you are. Don't worry about being "too much" for some people - they are not your people. You will eventually find someone who gets equally excited and likes to ask lots of questions the same as you and you will find them easy to chat with. Yes it will take an awful lot of rejection to get there, but try and treat each interaction as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 12 hours ago, Love2weld said: What’s AuDHD? Is that different from ADHD? Autism and ADHD.
Da**** Posted August 1 To be honest you may have a thing called Dom frenzy. It is an actual thing. Yes it is very exciting that we have a submissive who is interested and talking to us. I am just as guilty of Dom frenzy as anybody. Sometimes we have to put that in check. We have to build the foundation first. We have to lead by example. If we jump right into it people can get apprehensive. Take your time. Time is everything. If the submissive is really into you they will not communicate with anyone else.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 6 hours ago, reedBROKOWSKI said: I am. The problem I’m running into now that I’m able to control it is the women I actually am able to connect with (when I do) will think I’m too much if I let it happen, and if I hold back they think I’m not interested. And NOW I’m finding that if I communicate my intentions clearly, that’s also a red flag. This is my ***. The perception that my interest in excitement in someone running away with me is a red flag… it makes no sense to me… except for the knowledge that some people, even the greatest people are susceptible to self-sabotage and avoidance of people who offer them exactly what they want/need because they are not yet ready to receive it.
Mi**** Posted August 1 I’ve had many similar interactions. I also have an anxious attachment style so I get it. It seems to be working well by just being upfront about it to begin with. I ask tons of questions and love to talk and talk (my ADHD is strong). When I hit it off with someone I’m honest about that part of me. If they are cool with it then I am comfortable to be myself. If they have something negative to say about it then I don’t feel the need to apologize for simply being myself. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life 🫶🏻
an**** Posted August 1 I don’t handle anxious attachment well because it triggers my primary wound of my mother making me choose favorites. When I say I don’t handle it well, I mean I’m not that patient and tend to be critical or dismissive. I think it’s helpful to consider that and be a little nicer but I also own it as a self-protective measure and not worry about what strangers think of me. It’s kind if revealing that you feel like it’s a you issue and I know it’s a me issue. Haven’t interacted before but I wonder if you considered the other person might just have a perspective of taking the space because they chicken out instead of it being something you did wrong.
Ma**** Posted August 1 You’ve got to learn to disengage after you send a message. Don’t wait for a response, don’t overthink it—just move on with your day. This mindset will naturally help you send shorter, more intentional messages over time. And that can actually work in your favor…….Right now, you come off as pretty talkative. So when you stop talking so much, that silence creates a bit of mystery. And mystery is powerful. Most women don’t want to know everything about you in the first few days. They want something to be curious about. So start thinking of yourself as the prize. Drop just enough breadcrumbs to spark interest, but keep the rest to yourself—for now. Let her work a little to find out more. That way, when she does want to know you better, there’s still something exciting left to discover.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author To be clear, I have disclosed these things. I’ve explained my tendencies… and they seem to be accepted until… poof… gone…
Ta**** Posted August 1 1 hour ago, Teddy_Dom said: This is my ***. The perception that my interest in excitement in someone running away with me is a red flag… it makes no sense to me… except for the knowledge that some people, even the greatest people are susceptible to self-sabotage and avoidance of people who offer them exactly what they want/need because they are not yet ready to receive it. How do you know if you "offer them exactly what they want/need" if you botch it after a short chat? You do not know them, they are not self-sabotaging if they feel you are too needy or pushy for their taste.
So**** Posted August 1 Be honest, upfront and consistently communicative. This is a solid foundation for ANY relationship, Kink or not. Then understand that not every interaction will bear positive results. Bearing positive results doesn't mean continued positive results. Doms focus on control and forms of care. That starts within, so exercise self-control and self-care!
va**** Posted August 1 Honestly I would rather have a Dom be “too communicative” than less. One just left me on read for a week but keeps looking at my profile. Talk about mixed signals.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 2 hours ago, MaybeforYou said: You’ve got to learn to disengage after you send a message. Don’t wait for a response, don’t overthink it—just move on with your day. This mindset will naturally help you send shorter, more intentional messages over time. And that can actually work in your favor…….Right now, you come off as pretty talkative. So when you stop talking so much, that silence creates a bit of mystery. And mystery is powerful. Most women don’t want to know everything about you in the first few days. They want something to be curious about. So start thinking of yourself as the prize. Drop just enough breadcrumbs to spark interest, but keep the rest to yourself—for now. Let her work a little to find out more. That way, when she does want to know you better, there’s still something exciting left to discover. Thank you, this isn’t bad advice as such but it is asking me to mask who I am and that is not what kink is about for me. Kink is about being free to be exactly who I am in a world in which I am ***d to mask my true self and in which unmasking has resulted in the loss of practically everyone I considered a friend. ***ful as it may be I’m learning to accept that to be myself is not to be loved by everyone or in fact by anyone… I’m not here to be agreeable to others, I am here to be me.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 2 hours ago, anna-ihilator said: I don’t handle anxious attachment well because it triggers my primary wound of my mother making me choose favorites. When I say I don’t handle it well, I mean I’m not that patient and tend to be critical or dismissive. I think it’s helpful to consider that and be a little nicer but I also own it as a self-protective measure and not worry about what strangers think of me. It’s kind if revealing that you feel like it’s a you issue and I know it’s a me issue. Haven’t interacted before but I wonder if you considered the other person might just have a perspective of taking the space because they chicken out instead of it being something you did wrong. I accept that someone who is prepared to be as honest about themselves and their own flaws and who is trying their best to accept them and own them, is scary to some. I heard it said recently that people can only meet you where they’re at… and it was by far one of the deepest messages to have received. I think the nature of D/S dynamics means that you’re often pairing emotional maturity with emotional immaturity and part of my role as a dominant I believe is to teach the emotionally immature… that someone who is a source of ***, is not necessarily someone who is to be ***ed and that to love someone or something is to accept that love is ***ful. When you love someone you are a mirror to the parts of themselves that they do not want to face and love ***s them to face those parts of themselves and they can either be brave and learn to grow and they can run and avoid doing the work that is needed to grow beyond the ***. Some people spend their entire lives running because they can’t sit and endure the *** of growth but to live and never grow is an existence not a life.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 3 hours ago, TaliX said: How do you know if you "offer them exactly what they want/need" if you botch it after a short chat? You do not know them, they are not self-sabotaging if they feel you are too needy or pushy for their taste. I was speaking in more general terms. I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m what everyone I connect with wants/needs but I am Autistic… and that means my brain processes significantly more data than an allistic brain making me naturally very intuitive. That and a healthy dose of trauma in life means I’m incredibly intuitive. I can usually read people very quickly… and I can often tell things about people without them actually telling me very much at all. It’s not me making a sweeping generalisation and my statements aren’t applicable to everyone. Just that in my experience it’s often the case that people are scared to actually take what they want.
Te**** Posted August 1 Author 3 hours ago, SovereignSolution said: Be honest, upfront and consistently communicative. This is a solid foundation for ANY relationship, Kink or not. Then understand that not every interaction will bear positive results. Bearing positive results doesn't mean continued positive results. Doms focus on control and forms of care. That starts within, so exercise self-control and self-care! Self-control and self-care for a burnt out neurodivergent isn’t the easiest!
la**** Posted August 2 Idk because this is exactly how I am. I’ll be doing great and start a good connection. And after a few days when I get comfortable they go from burning hot to ignoring me. And I’m left confused. I just over share and reply too much. I love talking and texting. And others seem to as well until bam. They’re gone.
Ta**** Posted August 2 8 hours ago, Teddy_Dom said: I was speaking in more general terms. I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m what everyone I connect with wants/needs but I am Autistic… and that means my brain processes significantly more data than an allistic brain making me naturally very intuitive. That and a healthy dose of trauma in life means I’m incredibly intuitive. I can usually read people very quickly… and I can often tell things about people without them actually telling me very much at all. It’s not me making a sweeping generalisation and my statements aren’t applicable to everyone. Just that in my experience it’s often the case that people are scared to actually take what they want. That's just hybris. I'm not neurotypical either, but I don't see us as superior - for all "superpowers" we have handicaps, most often in how we treat people. The way you are writing, you portrait yourself in a very unflattering light, to put it mildly.
Te**** Posted August 2 Author 2 hours ago, TaliX said: That's just hybris. I'm not neurotypical either, but I don't see us as superior - for all "superpowers" we have handicaps, most often in how we treat people. The way you are writing, you portrait yourself in a very unflattering light, to put it mildly. I don’t buy into the superpower narrative. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just know from previous experience that I’m very intuitive and the science behind why. I’m not trying to claim anything that’s not true about myself and I think you’re simply intent on misunderstanding me for some reason so I’ll say no more.
st**** Posted August 2 Same with me ... I'm also a self aware very intense ADHD guy and I'm glad you brought this up.
Al**** Posted August 2 I’ve found on all dating apps that women can only deal with one question at a time. Usually the last one.
Al**** Posted August 2 I think it’s something to do with getting so many messages, with so many questions.
LA**** Posted August 3 Avoidant attachment seems to come in a lot of forms, with the commonality of a *** that drives a need for safety. If you treat the idea like a normal phobia, I think it's easier to relate and to understand. The trouble is a matter of how irrational the phobia is. Also if you'd rather not have the phobia or even rational *** altogether. I have a *** of heights that I'm good with and only want to stop catastrophising over it while flying. So I drink a little at a bar before a flight or deal with it when I need to fly. If you avoid a *** to the point of hurting yourself to get away, then it is most definitely irrational and thus a phobia. The best known way to deal with a *** is exposure therapy. You can even use the classic example of a child who ***s a puppy. The anxious partner is a puppy you need to experience 50 away with a barrier between you long before you get to petting them. To be sure, it's not just being them, but how they behave that scares you, so there might be a need to target what makes you turn inward and ask even just a friend to expose you to that in small doses. I think something like that is the most helpful for getting an avoidant to become secure. Also, I would advise that I noticed a trend of a lot of people confusing their the***utic healing from relationship traumas as being of a mind that is never feeling guilty about anything. A recent avoidant woman I was getting to know started to lose interest in me, which I take no issue with, it happens, but she seemed to not like herself for losing interest and that quickly manifested into her blaming me for feeling bad when I didn't put any guilt on her at all over and emphasized that she owed me nothing. She accused me of being manipulative and it came way out of left field. I respectfully let her be and didn't even guilt her over what I observed in how this manifested. I would like an apology that she accused me of being manipulative, but whatever. The point I'm making is that if you should feel guilty because you've done something mean like that, then embrace the guilt and be a better person for correcting it. It's things you shouldn't feel guilty about that a past relationship put on you that you ought to be trying to heal from. Know the difference.
v3**** Posted August 3 Find someone else with AuDHD. 😂 I kinda have the same issue but believe me, it’ll be worth it when you find someone that matches you!!
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