New sub looking for some advice

[Gulfcoastdays]

Well, not many are going to like this. But, you, as the sub , are by multitudes more powerful than you may know. In many ways, more powerful than the dome. Power exchange happens in a D/S relationship because the sub allows themself to pass their power to the Dom. Very few doms have the constitution or charisma to initiate this with their prowess only , though some do exist. Most of this dynamic is dependent on the sub and their decision to enter into the dynamic. Just know that a Dom cannot be a practicing Dom without a sub. A sub can be a practicing and loyal sub 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, all by yourself if you care to. Without you, the dom could very possibly be something that carries on negative effects of regular life like a control freak, someone with an inferiority complex, or even a sexual deviant. You are viewed from the outside in as the more liable off the two, regardless of your own self worth. That’s power, whether you ever realize it or not. But, you need to. Also remember, there is no such thing as 100%. Always be the best you and that’s the you who keeps something for yourself. Remember the Switch.

For the Dom, you must be on your best behavior because you’ve been handed a gift. You’ve been handed a gift by the owner of the gift, and the gift is the owner. Yes that’s power to be gifted that, but you are still dependent on your sub to complete your dynamic. You are the apex of the dynamic. But there is only one way to go when you are at the top. Never take your parter or relationship for granted . This is not about you. It’s not about power, it’s not about control,. It’s about your team, your lover, your confidant. You have to be the best communicator you know. You have to pull everything out of your dub as possible so you best be the best you, that you can be. Other doms are always watching, and so are other subs. Your sun is you best ally, because you r sub is a magnet. Yiur sub is not a tool, a plaything, or a possession. Your sub is an extension of you, there to enhance you, so be the best you and always try and do better, and your only as good as the worst performer on your team.
Remember the switch

[fe****]

It's ok to have limits. Use your safe word. it's there for a way to say stop that thoroughly gets the point across. You're a submissive, not a doormat.

[Deleted Member]

B.R.A.K.E.S. Be responsible and keep everyone safe

[Deleted Member]

Be careful. Be mindful of what you are entering into. Every decision you make will affect your future. As a sub, you are the consumer. Demand accountability from a “Dom”. You are rare and special. Don’t ever forget that you are ultimately in control, even when giving it up- it’s still your right to have boundaries. If you feel that you have “lost control” in any limit that you agreed to and you are frightened, terminate the session immediately. Hopefully you won’t be restrained….this is why you need to really develop a relationship with your Dom.

*Establish a safe word
*Agree on terms and set boundaries.
If any are flagrantly violated, the agreement between you and the Dom is no longer valid. Playtime is over (for now). You can recap the lessons either immediately or at a later time.

ust my two cents.

[Sa****]

Join reddit. r/subsanctuary

[To****]

As a sub: not everyone who calls themselves a Dom is a real Dom, and the fake ones are very dangerous

[Sm****]

I think there is some fantastic advice here. We'll done all.

[Deleted Member]

You have the power to say no, everything you do should be agreed upon before hand. It should be an enjoyable experience for all involved but if a time comes your not enjoying something or something feels wrong/off you should stop and evaluate the situation. 

[Fa****]

As a dom, I tell all of my new people, please be honest, do not accept my inflictions of *** to be absolute, if you hate what I do, then it is not good

[Hezzair]

Don't settle when it comes to a Dom

[Ma****]

Dont do/or agree to something you are not comfortable with. It is okay to say "no."
Or
"not right now, but tell me more."
Or
"Why is the aim of this?"
.
It is okay to ask questions.
Trust is a two way street, and you ought not to be giving it all away, unconditionally. The Dom needs your trust, but you also need the Dom's trust.
.
Take classes in how to spank, how to tie ropes, how to do the things you want to be able to do. It will inform you, on your own terms, and give you needed insights to know when things might be going wrong, or how it could proceed without any issue.
.
If you are surrendering to submission, but dont know any better, is it really submission?
I would suggest that it isn't. Because submission is choosing to lay down your abilities, and to be ***. If you cannit be anything but *** (you dont know good spanking techniques, you dont know some rope foundations, you dont know when too much, is too much) then what exactly are you choosing to surrender and layaside in order to submit? Nothing, really.
.
So start learning. You cant learn everything all at once. But you can start somewhere. So do so.
. Then your submission will be more meaningful, because you are choosing to lay asside your own abilities, and to trust your Dom.
.
By the way, as a point of finer etiquette, always capitalize "Dom/Dominant," and always lowercase "sub/submissive."
It is a "D/s" relationship. Not a "d/s" relationship.

[Si****]

This……
https://www.fetish.com/topic/33610-an-introduction-to-bdsm-arch-style/

 

 

[Ro****]

Trust yourself. Speak up. If they are not listening , dont be afraid to walk away. A dom will listen and care what you have to say.

[On****]

A good Dom will start building trust from the very first interactions, pay attention to red flags, you should feel safe and heard, responses to questions and concerns should make you feel your well being is first priority. If new to bdsm scenes or sessions and After clear negociation and comfortable, something I do with new s/types and bottoms is a mapping or tasting session, actions are described, opportunity to touch and feel various implements, various aspects of okay carefully explained, limited tastings of toys or implements, what's happening, how and why is all carefully openly explained. Mapping is a great introduction for discovering and understanding. Hope this helps, cheers! 14R

[Deleted Member]

Communication communication communication. Don’t put anything over your safety and health. Don’t expect your Dom to be bullet proof. They need affection, praise, respect and grace too. Always research something for at least a few months before engaging in it. Just because you aren’t “in control” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be educated. You wanna be spanked ? You should know how spankings are done, how to properly give aftercare after a rough spanking like creams, ice, etc, safe areas to hit, and so forth. Always have multiple safewords, always prioritize your mental health, don’t rush into a dynamic, don’t genuinely use honorifics with someone you aren’t in a dynamic with. Always be researching and studying the basics, study things and learn the terms even if you don’t think you’ll be “into” something. Have your boundaries, limits, pet names, etc all written down. Never forget that you’re a person first and a sub second! Also regardless of if someone is your Dom respect, trust, and loyalty aren’t negotiable. Also dynamics are relationships too. They need to be given energy, time and respect even if there’s no romantic feelings cause that’s still a person. Same with play partners. Also AFTERCARE ISNT NEGOTIABLE!!! The only person who can decide your aftercare is you and if your partner isn’t comfortable with a certain part of it they need to communicate that!
For example: you want to cuddle but they don’t like cuddling. A compromise to that could be them playing in your hair, giving you a massage or helping you get comfortable in bed afterwards. Scenes should ALWAYS be discussed! Notes from scenes are sometimes just good feedback and positive and that’s ok!! It’s also valid if a scene doesn’t work for you or your partner and you want to adjust things for next time. Finally kink is CUSTOMIZABLE and it looks different for everyone don’t yuck someone’s yum!! And don’t disrespect others dynamics, preferences, etc as long as everyone is AT LEAST 18, informed, consenting and safe it’s not your business. Also illegal things are not kinks they’re crimes.

[Gi****]

Sub here🖐️ I would tell my younger self don't just take anyone calling themselves a Dom. A real dom wants to hear your fantasies and desires. They want to world build with you. Don't be shy because you think 'nobody would be into that' because if there is one thing you can take away from this community is someone is definitely into it. Don't settle for any jackass, find your unicorn!

[ab****]

49 minutes ago, GingerStaru said:

Sub here🖐️ I would tell my younger self don't just take anyone calling themselves a Dom. A real dom wants to hear your fantasies and desires. They want to world build with you. Don't be shy because you think 'nobody would be into that' because if there is one thing you can take away from this community is someone is definitely into it. Don't settle for any jackass, find your unicorn!

I cosign as a Dom. I want my sub to find her voice so she speaks her desire. Because what the hell is hotter than giving someone permission to enjoy the parts of themselves others would judge. Dom's have to submit to their sub's desire if they want to understand the power they need to wield. In other words, dominance is about authority, not ***.

[ri****]

As others have stated.. do not settle for a dom right away! Have conversations! In the very beginning you may have more dislikes than likes and that is ok! Same if it’s the other way… your likes are higher than dislikes. I would absolutely say that if they won’t meet you in a public space to vibe check and have a real conversation there is a reason and I doubt it’s good. Have fun be safe and remember that you have to give them power in order for them to be your dom. Don’t freely give it away love. Find the right one. P.S.. I am a brat so also a sub just with a little flair

[ab****]

24 minutes ago, richland11693 said:

As others have stated.. do not settle for a dom right away! Have conversations! In the very beginning you may have more dislikes than likes and that is ok! Same if it’s the other way… your likes are higher than dislikes. I would absolutely say that if they won’t meet you in a public space to vibe check and have a real conversation there is a reason and I doubt it’s good. Have fun be safe and remember that you have to give them power in order for them to be your dom. Don’t freely give it away love. Find the right one. P.S.. I am a brat so also a sub just with a little flair

A sub just with a little flair? Hope it is a lot of flair! Isn't the flair the point?

[Mn****]

Join Fetlife and look for submissive women who have lots of experience. We will help you navigate the scene. Go to munches. The kindest subs with excellent experience tend to be women that are plus size and smart.

[ri****]

9 hours ago, abyssSeeker said:

A sub just with a little flair? Hope it is a lot of flair! Isn't the flair the point?

I was being… sassy 😂😂😂. It’s a lot of flair

[ab****]

8 hours ago, richland11693 said:

I was being… sassy 😂😂😂. It’s a lot of flair

Yeah, I got burned by a lot of flair once. Started with a look not much different than your pic. I wasn't confused 😏

[Ne****]

Just from life experiences, I feel led to be Dom.

[Ne****]

Still looking at all the possibilities, could potentially be a sub. But I would love to see what a real sub is like...

[Li****]

As a Dom I always ask for obedience and to try to trust in me. After that I try to build that trust stronger and keep the lead