Tips for a BDSM First Date with a New Sub

The first date with a new sub can be daunting for both Dom and sub. Our guide shows you how to keep things hot, kinky and safe during your first BDSM date. 

Show your new sub that you care

Most people aren't interested in a humourless one-dimensional partner, so show off the more playful aspects of your personality, but only flirt if it’s reciprocated. On the one hand, you want to come across as competent and trustworthy; on the other, you want to exude sexual energy. It can be a tricky balance to strike but never assume that a person is ready to slip into a sadomasochistic role right away. Consent is vital, your new sub will have just as much agency in this process as you, and nothing is more off-putting than being taken for granted.
 

Always show a genuine interest in your date by listening to what they have to say about sex or anything else. Never belittle their job, education or views and don’t act superior. There's nothing hot about prematurely slipping into a role. It seems simple, but it’s an essential part of showing respect to a new sub. It indicates you've got a caring nature and are willing to respect their feelings.

Start with open communication

On a sleazier note, you’ll soon get an idea on the first date of what presses their naughty slave button and what makes them beg for more. Once you know what they enjoy, find out what’s off-limits. In subspace, a person is at risk even if they have given consent - you can make them feel confident about submitting to you by being an excellent communicator. 
 

Use your first date to ask questions about their boundaries and work through your mutual fantasies together, tackling any worries honestly. Later on, you might enjoy pushing the limits of what your new sub can endure, but first, you need to earn it with self-control and kindness.

Establish boundaries

When the conversation gets around to your kinky preferences, tell the truth about your boundaries as a Dominant, explain what you can deliver and what appeals to you. This is not the time to pass off a varsity-level BDSM scene you saw on DVD as your own idea, or say a load of kinky stuff you think your date wants to hear. If you make promises you can’t keep, a submissive will be left feeling confused and worried about their performance, so be realistic.

Safewords are a major part of sexual safety in a kinky situation, discuss which one works for you and have it memorised before any sadomasochistic action takes place. It’s best to negotiate these words together. If you simply impose one on a new sub, there’s a real chance it will be forgotten in the ethereal realms of subspace.

There may be gags or masks involved in bondage that muffle a sub's voice, so steer well clear of anything obscure or lengthy. Also, avoid any technical terms or tricky words that could be misheard - if a safeword can be confused in a heated S&M struggle, it will. Just like in the vanilla world, building trust is a process, and some things might be better left to a little farther down the road.

The first date with a new sub can be daunting for both parties.
 

Take it slow

Go easy in the early stages and check out your partner’s body language to make sure nothing is too tight and they are breathing correctly. Plenty of subs have come to harm trying to please their dom, so be methodical and take it slow. Remember: they're also navigating this new dynamic, and might also be trying to impress.

Don’t spring any moves you haven’t discussed previously. Consent is at the heart of all good BDSM, so over the first sessions don’t assume anything. If something goes wrong, step up to the mark like a pro and don’t allow it to escalate. Give copious amounts of support, practical or emotional, and don’t initiate any more fetish play. When the dust settles, go through what happened and try to figure it out between you. These are the times when you’ll appreciate why a scene has to be mutually negotiated.

After your first date: are you a match?

You choose a kinky partner because you click on a personal level and turn each other on. It sounds like an excellent basis for a relationship, but anything else has to be a mutual decision. Wherever it takes you, the D/s dynamic is a complex and fluid one, ideal for exploring your deepest desires in a safe, consensual setting.
 

Looking for advice on the first date with a new sub? Or are you a sub nervous about meeting your Dom for the first time? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum. 
 

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