Aftercare and Doms.

[TD****]

I was looking through various threads here to learn and get a feel for the community here. A comment someone shared about what new subs would want to know has stuck with me for days.

"Doms need aftercare as well,"

That idea never occurred to me, and I think it's largely why I have stayed mostly disengaged from BDSM practice and fun. I like being dominant and enjoy various aspects of kink, but anytime I've gone into any kind of scene, I have always felt exhausted and rung out after, usually taking days to recover. As enjoyable as those moments have been, they have largely not been worth the recovery.

This isn't a dig at the women I've been with, I have almost always been the more experienced partner and had to lead these moments. It never occurred to me that the intensity, planning, learning, and worry of not being enough or too much could be cared for is something I would be able to receive. It always feels like a major part of the dom role is caregiving even after.

I'd love to learn more about others' process?

How do other doms like being cared for,?

What ways have sub felt reconnecting in after care practice that also tended the dom?

Thank you in advance for the guidance.

[Ad****]

I am partial to cuddling in bed after. If we aren’t in the bed I also enjoy just a long hug sitting in the doms lap and matching my breathing to theirs. It gives some connection time for both partners to process the scene and access how they feel after and what more care is needed, Then go from there.

[Deleted Member]

Subs can play recovery nurse too if they want

[Deleted Member]

I like the idea of having cuddle/process time and telling the dom what you liked and enjoyed and giving them some love after.

[Hezzair]

This is one of the reasons as a sub I always remind my Dom that I am a giver and a healer because it is an integral part of just who I am as a person. I just can't put away that part of myself because I am being the sub role so it gets incorporated into it. I offer aftercare all the time.

[Wr****]

Just cuddling helps me. Personally I'm very sensitive to touch, and touch is my "love language", so the feeling of my partner and I together helps me calm down. Then if they and I are up for it, I like to make sure they enjoyed themselves or say whatever they didn't so we know for next time. Just returning to a sense of casualness helps me. Before I am ever able to meet with someone even for casual fun, I gotta know them a bit. So having a connection of being able to reconnect again in some non-sexual fassion helps me a ton

[Lo****]

Aftercare is my favorite part of being a dom, if I allow them to sleep in my bed, the closeness and absolute surrender is when they awake in the morning and ask for what they need . sometimes i don't want them to leave, even tho they must to maintain boundaries. I prepare a wonderful breakfast and wave bye with my seed dripping and them grinning already planning a return.

[Ma****]

With play partner we do mutual check ins as an essential part of aftercare. It can be days after when the drop hits.

[Da****]

Oh my friend Dom drop is a real thing. I myself have experienced Dom drop. Just like submissives we too as Doms have Dom space and Dom drop. It varies from Dom to Dom. Just as aftercare is important for the sub so it is for the Dom. Sure I have seen cuddling mentioned as aftercare, but the thing that is missing is the mental and emotional aspect of it. You have spent yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. That is why it takes days for Doms to recover. We have put our hearts and souls into the scene we have planned out. It is important as to what happens in the Doms aftercare. Again it will vary from Dom to Dom. One important aspect is to breath. Keep telling yourself that you're ok. Communication is key in this time with your submissive. Each scene is intense with the Dom. As I said cuddling is good for the physical aspect but you as a Dom need to reconnect on that mental and emotional plain. Again communicate with your submissive. Communication is multi-layered. Allow yourself sometime to process the scene you were involved in. Don't analyze the scene just yet. Allow yourself the space to be in Dom space. Include your submissive in the space you're in. Let your submissive know what it is you need not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Maybe it might be talking about the scene that just happened. Get your submissives input. Words from your submissive should carry a lot of weight. Let their energy feed you. Let their sub space collide with your Dom space. Be in the beautiful moment of being in that space together. Drift on the waves of being together. Also use this time as a Dom to meditate. That is one aspect I forgot to mention is the spiritual aspect. Don't ignore what you are going through. That will definitely lead to Dom drop

[Da****]

8 minutes ago, Daddyskinky55443 said:

Oh my friend Dom drop is a real thing. I myself have experienced Dom drop. Just like submissives we too as Doms have Dom space and Dom drop. It varies from Dom to Dom. Just as aftercare is important for the sub so it is for the Dom. Sure I have seen cuddling mentioned as aftercare, but the thing that is missing is the mental and emotional aspect of it. You have spent yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. That is why it takes days for Doms to recover. We have put our hearts and souls into the scene we have planned out. It is important as to what happens in the Doms aftercare. Again it will vary from Dom to Dom. One important aspect is to breath. Keep telling yourself that you're ok. Communication is key in this time with your submissive. Each scene is intense with the Dom. As I said cuddling is good for the physical aspect but you as a Dom need to reconnect on that mental and emotional plain. Again communicate with your submissive. Communication is multi-layered. Allow yourself sometime to process the scene you were involved in. Don't analyze the scene just yet. Allow yourself the space to be in Dom space. Include your submissive in the space you're in. Let your submissive know what it is you need not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Maybe it might be talking about the scene that just happened. Get your submissives input. Words from your submissive should carry a lot of weight. Let their energy feed you. Let their sub space collide with your Dom space. Be in the beautiful moment of being in that space together. Drift on the waves of being together. Also use this time as a Dom to meditate. That is one aspect I forgot to mention is the spiritual aspect. Don't ignore what you are going through. That will definitely lead to Dom drop

Also one thing I forgot to mention. Avoid alcohol beverages at this point. Alcohol is a depressant. That will send you quicker into Dom drop. If anything drink water. Rehydrate yourself. This goes for the submissive also. You want to have a clear head while processing everything.

[ey****]

Aftercare for Dominants is important, and like a lot of things you may need to work out what is best for you.  It is also something where aftercare is part of the scene planning also - at the other side of things, what do you need and how can you prepare for it?

For a lot of Dominants, they receive aftercare at the same time as their submissive.

That the cuddles, hot sugary drinks, decompression, etc is good for them as well as their subs.  Some may find they have other needs - especially if they feel they question if for example they were a "bad person" for what they'd done in the scene.  Or, if they have a comedown later.

 

 

[Th****]

Dom drop is very real and something that gets overlooked a lot by many. We look after our subs and tend to not get looked after. It is something that needs to be established from the start. Both sides are just as important.

[Rh****]

I think Doms should have before and after care. They are the Strength, the Powerhouse, the Safety net, the Confidant, the Nurturer, and the Punisher all in one. There is so much they do for Subs just to prepare for a scene, or a night together, or even to make the sub feel special. If the Dom doesn't get the same care he will crash and "burn" in a sense and all will be over. There will always be emotions involved in a Dom/ Sub relationship and both parties should do their part in caring for the other.

[Deleted Member]

It's why communication is important...

[Co****]

I am not sure about needing after care but I would say communication and discussion after a session is vitaly important for both sides to make sure everything is ok and done as expected and within boundaries that were agreed before. One thing I like is more reassurance rather than after care. Knowing everything was fine allows you to relax in the role even more and makes it much more complete.

[PL****]

My last long-term partner and I would cuddle mostly and talk. However, he might take the time to put soothing ointments/oils on me and I would then do so on him where soreness occurred. We might get a meal and lie in bed or sit across from each other as we eat legs entwined making sure each felt safe, cared for, and in our case cherished and loved. But other partners were different, each partner must determine their needs and communicate those needs. Learn to talk and tell your partner what you need and how you need it. If you're feeling like you need more this time say so, less say that too.

[Deleted Member]

Dom drop is just as real and at times debilitating as sub drop!

As someone commented, there is a lot of effort on the D's part, holding the big picture of what your sub needs, and how do you deliver the best possible experience, and then all the details and efforts.

It’s exhausting. After learning that I had to account for myself in the aftercare equation, recovery for me, later on, later that day, or the next day(s) became either quicker or nonexistent because didn't require it, as I had finally figured out the secret sauce, and that the base of aftercare that my sub needed was what I as a Daddy or Dom or both needed myself in aftercare.

A lot can (if as a D you are willing to open yourself up to receiving it) be shared in a mutually beneficial way. I started to include the items I required for my aftercare as I prepared those items for her aftercare.

Aftercare included the tenderness, the care, and in my case the love, as I’m not a top, I’m a D or DD, and I don’t play just for plays sake. In my case I’m built as a CG, down to my molecular foundation, I’m a CG!

So, the snuggles, caresses, hugs, huggles, sweet moments, soft and sweet conversations, all later after the intense parts are concluded, are all part of the whole.

Because in the past it wasn’t just a relationship, in this case she was my wife (or with partners before her, still in a committed relationship) that I adored and loved her absolutely, so the snacks, the blanket, lots of pillows, drinks, all of it are set up to be two-way, clearly got both of us. She learned how to attend to my aftercare needs, and receiving them from her was so affirming to me as a D. And she says it's not a lot of effort on her part, just required her being 100% present with me.

As an incredibly unexpected side benefit, when it happened the first time, and at times later, depending on our schedules, where we were, public, private, home, hotel...and how tired we were, lots of variables of course, quite a few times after we had centered ourselves through our aftercare, something she labeled 'cuddling with Daddy's in me' (CWDHCIM) happened (sorry, I discovered I had violated the rules in my first attempt to post this, so I have made it SFW. The first time wasn’t planned. I have been incredibly fortunate in my six and a half decades on this planet, and have been blessed with sharing physical, sexual intimacy with a few women that were Hall of Fame Rockstar Lovers (I am blessed), and we shared mind bending experiences. Anyway, the first time that CWDCIM occurred it was a few hours after we had started mutual aftercare, we were so calm and zen, the most amazing sexual experience either of us have ever experienced before or since occurred! It just flashed over us and happened and it was transformational! We, even though both of us have gone our separate ways after many years together, years, actually now decades later we are still friends and still talk occasionally, and that experience for both of us was we still say is the most incredible experience, sexual or otherwise either of us has ever experienced! Every time without fail in those now infrequent conversations, that first, and unexpected CWDHCIM experience is discussed. It’s now closer to three decades ago than two and it’s still relevant for both of us. When it happened again, it was always incredible and amazing but not like the first accidental time.

With my last long term partner, the one just previous, it happened and was mind blowing for both of us as well when it occasionally happened.

My recent ex says it is for her the single most amazing sexual experience she’s ever had.

It can not just address Dom drop, it can in my case completely eliminate it except for fleeting moments in the very beginning after the intensity is over. And I have not had later on recovery issues.

Like everything else in BDSM, it comes down to conversations, lots of them, then negotiations, many of them, followed by agreements, followed by some sort of verbal or written documentation of said agreement or contract to specifically delineate the scope.

Those ongoing conversations even after years together, are the key and very critical to everything lasting, going the distance and allowing growth and experimentation.

In fact in my being single again, it’s THE MAJOR THING I MISS THE MOST!
Planning, brainstorming, thinking together, and thinking separately and dreaming and…, well it’s what makes it work.

My 7¢, inflation you know!

[Deleted Member]

I like cuddling. I like to receive feedback on any scenes that I've done. It helps with no only with my confidence but it also helps me with what scenes that I can do in the future.

[Da****]

19 hours ago, SDDBosch said:

Dom drop is just as real and at times debilitating as sub drop!

As someone commented, there is a lot of effort on the D's part, holding the big picture of what your sub needs, and how do you deliver the best possible experience, and then all the details and efforts.

It’s exhausting. After learning that I had to account for myself in the aftercare equation, recovery for me, later on, later that day, or the next day(s) became either quicker or nonexistent because didn't require it, as I had finally figured out the secret sauce, and that the base of aftercare that my sub needed was what I as a Daddy or Dom or both needed myself in aftercare.

A lot can (if as a D you are willing to open yourself up to receiving it) be shared in a mutually beneficial way. I started to include the items I required for my aftercare as I prepared those items for her aftercare.

Aftercare included the tenderness, the care, and in my case the love, as I’m not a top, I’m a D or DD, and I don’t play just for plays sake. In my case I’m built as a CG, down to my molecular foundation, I’m a CG!

So, the snuggles, caresses, hugs, huggles, sweet moments, soft and sweet conversations, all later after the intense parts are concluded, are all part of the whole.

Because in the past it wasn’t just a relationship, in this case she was my wife (or with partners before her, still in a committed relationship) that I adored and loved her absolutely, so the snacks, the blanket, lots of pillows, drinks, all of it are set up to be two-way, clearly got both of us. She learned how to attend to my aftercare needs, and receiving them from her was so affirming to me as a D. And she says it's not a lot of effort on her part, just required her being 100% present with me.

As an incredibly unexpected side benefit, when it happened the first time, and at times later, depending on our schedules, where we were, public, private, home, hotel...and how tired we were, lots of variables of course, quite a few times after we had centered ourselves through our aftercare, something she labeled 'cuddling with Daddy's in me' (CWDHCIM) happened (sorry, I discovered I had violated the rules in my first attempt to post this, so I have made it SFW. The first time wasn’t planned. I have been incredibly fortunate in my six and a half decades on this planet, and have been blessed with sharing physical, sexual intimacy with a few women that were Hall of Fame Rockstar Lovers (I am blessed), and we shared mind bending experiences. Anyway, the first time that CWDCIM occurred it was a few hours after we had started mutual aftercare, we were so calm and zen, the most amazing sexual experience either of us have ever experienced before or since occurred! It just flashed over us and happened and it was transformational! We, even though both of us have gone our separate ways after many years together, years, actually now decades later we are still friends and still talk occasionally, and that experience for both of us was we still say is the most incredible experience, sexual or otherwise either of us has ever experienced! Every time without fail in those now infrequent conversations, that first, and unexpected CWDHCIM experience is discussed. It’s now closer to three decades ago than two and it’s still relevant for both of us. When it happened again, it was always incredible and amazing but not like the first accidental time.

With my last long term partner, the one just previous, it happened and was mind blowing for both of us as well when it occasionally happened.

My recent ex says it is for her the single most amazing sexual experience she’s ever had.

It can not just address Dom drop, it can in my case completely eliminate it except for fleeting moments in the very beginning after the intensity is over. And I have not had later on recovery issues.

Like everything else in BDSM, it comes down to conversations, lots of them, then negotiations, many of them, followed by agreements, followed by some sort of verbal or written documentation of said agreement or contract to specifically delineate the scope.

Those ongoing conversations even after years together, are the key and very critical to everything lasting, going the distance and allowing growth and experimentation.

In fact in my being single again, it’s THE MAJOR THING I MISS THE MOST!
Planning, brainstorming, thinking together, and thinking separately and dreaming and…, well it’s what makes it work.

My 7¢, inflation you know!

Very well explained my friend. There are so many things about sub space and sub drop, but hardly anything on Dom space and Dom drop

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Daddyskinky55443 said:

Very well explained my friend. There are so many things about sub space and sub drop, but hardly anything on Dom space and Dom drop

Thank you.

Because for most (not criticism) the concept of Dom space & drop are antithetical to the D/s dynamic. To the D as large and in charge, therefore bulletproof and totally self contained and not needing in any way!

BULLPUCKY!!

The Dom is the strong, in charge, take care of it figure and so who if you are that could ever have soft needs?

It also goes to stuff I’ve seen about what is a D CG? What does it mean?

What is a Caregiver??

Obviously, we could dangerously try to generalize. Of course that’s a very bad idea. OK how about as many baskets or silos as needed for general categories? Better, but still not a good idea or helpful!

As many reasons for being a CG as there are, just as many exist for being an s or an lg, or on the release of power side in a total or less than total TPE!

Nothing I just wrote is brilliant, groundbreaking or even necessary to say LOL, most if not all (another generalization LOL) in the various communities know this. So, why is it even a discussion?

Ah ha, because knowing and recognizing and applying and implementing are all very different.

It’s the disconnect we see every day in life. Just because something is obvious doesn’t mean the connection is made without intention, presentness, care, understanding and maybe even empathy and compassion.

All things never in high supply in history and now, in late 2025, almost extinct! NONEXISTENT!

It all boils down to communication!!!!

We have to on every side of whatever dynamic or kink or relationship you are a participant in, have to either have space there or make the space available yourself for real, thought out communication! Open, honest wants, needs, and desires! We are doing better at teaching about the bedrock need for negotiation and consent! About go zones and no go zones! About boundaries!

I believe the critical next growth area in all of the ‘BDSM’ communities is more discussions and conversations well before the negotiations start! Then the D will start to have standing to have a place to say, to express the consequences (both great and terrible and varying degrees thereof) of holding the big, no, the huge picture of Dom space and the drop!

I thing that in reality very few people have ever been taught the critical components of professional salesmanship! I DO NOT MEAN PUSHY, CLOSE THE SALE CAR OR FURNITURE or INSERT your favorite hated sales people directed businesses!

No, I’m talking about a professional process that if you have professionals with integrity, results in one of the following outcomes; we can meet your needs, you need something we don’t sell/provide, would you like a referral to a competitor that might be able to meet your requirements, or I’d like to give you a referral but I don’t have one, I don’t know who can help you, or the result of this process is you do not need what I sell or provide!

It’s very similar to having an honest neighborhood mechanic who you walk in to knowing you need a brake job on both axles, all 4 wheels, tell them this, so they now have the opportunity to rip you off, but instead, they come back and tell you that you still have 15,000 - 20,000 more miles on your rear axle brakes, let’s just do your front brakes.

Professional ‘qualifying’ as it should also be known is a two-way conversation requiring a tremendous amount of listening by the professional to ‘qualify’ the real needs and wants of the potential customer!

Think of a sales process for a business for a technical product. You have to have a clear understanding of everything that the product is meant to do! Therefore you get professional, almost always degrees professional sales engineers asking probing questions and then 100% being active listeners before asking the next appropriate question until you get to a set of real specifications!

The process in the BDSM community needs to make that next big leap in the progress of qualification so that the negotiation and consent and contract or agreement are based on bedrock foundations of understanding!

Then you, me, others won’t have to read or hear a majority of horrible stories inducing heartbreak about others like we do! No more tearful feelings!

Doms not having their needs being met or not meeting their s’s needs!

Not having to read about a sub writing that her needs aren’t being met or they can’t meet their D’s needs.

All clearly communication issues, BUT NOT AT THE POINT OF HEARTACHE, but very early on in the ‘relationship’ process! It’s clear that all these awful situations we read about come from circumstances doomed to fail before they even started.

It is all because neither actually knows their own needs or those of their opposite!

COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION CONVERSATION CONVERSATION CONVERSATION well before negotiations begin!!

Then we will start to have our actual real needs met, and just as important, meeting the actual real needs of our opposites!!

[Deleted Member]

On 8/29/2025 at 12:02 AM, Duchess3D said:

It's why communication is important...

🙋🏾‍♂️🙋🏾‍♂️

[Im****]

We cuddle beforehand. I call it his "pre-care". He needs affirmation that he has my love, acceptance, and consent, before we begin.

[Do****]

Communication is foreplay

The drop is real for both parties. The Dom can go from an emotional high to a drop after the scene just as much as a sub can. Both parties need to discuss aftercare protocols and make sure it rein***s the dynamic. Snacks, water, cuddles, quiet time, cool down with body checks, watching a show together, showering are all great ways to provide aftercare. The chemicals released during these activities often rein*** the relationship as your body is flooded with dopamine after cortisol. This is not a one size fits all regimen, but deeply personal and tailored to each individual. Communicating with your partner before and making sure you meet their wishes is more important than the play. Rein*** the security, trust, and respect that keeps BDSM a place of refuge for those that crave it.