BDSM Boundaries

[VictoriaBlisse]

I've written an article on boundaries in BDSM and their importance: 

 

What are your thoughts on limits? Do you agree with me that they're completely essential for BDSM play? 

[Newbiesub868]

I read the article and I do believe they are very important. Just as in vanilla relationships, we all have things we will or will not accept and do or will not do. 

Having limits does a few things in my opinion.  It starts communication which is key for any relationship. When it comes to BDSM it is even more so. If you don’t talk and know your limits and let them be aware you can become extremely vulnerable and possibly abused. 

Each person has the expectations of each other. If you don’t talk about your expectations and your limits with each other you are setting up the relationship to failure. 

[Pa****]

Enjoyed the article, like anything that helps to highlight limits and boundaries; and shares a need to be aware or your own as well as respecting a partners limits.

Newbiesub868 a lovely point that limits need to be communicated and includes expectations...defining soft limits is just as important and helps set the mutual direction of the relationship...being selfish and selfless whilst being respectful makes for a healthier relationship.

[Deleted Member]

I think limits are fluid especially when training a novice. Things they first consider soft limits often become part of play and things they first considered hard limits often end up as soft limits. I'd say key is in the connection. A good dom knows when it's time to push those boundaries whilst still respecting them. As ever it comes down to respect, communication and connection. If you go diving in with full on watersports on a sub in their first session don't get upset if she screams the dreaded r word and you never see her again.

[ey****]

I agree with the article.

I also agree that too many go with a default position of "I will test your limits" (or wanting someone without limits) is a red flag - even the former is saying they are already planning on, well,  taking limits as a passing suggestion and probably targetting them.

Also to consider, if you're a little like me and play with more than one person - you may find your limits differ with each person.  This could be for multiple reasons, the nature of your relationship, wanting to push yourself further for them, levels of trust etc.  so what that does mean is that just because you've seen someone doing something with someone else - doesn't mean that's OK to do with you.

And with that, yeah limits change in time - but for either person, I think it's better in their own time and pace than to deliberately chip away at them.

[VictoriaBlisse]

9 hours ago, Bomomaster said:

I think limits are fluid especially when training a novice. Things they first consider soft limits often become part of play and things they first considered hard limits often end up as soft limits. I'd say key is in the connection. A good dom knows when it's time to push those boundaries whilst still respecting them. As ever it comes down to respect, communication and connection. If you go diving in with full on watersports on a sub in their first session don't get upset if she screams the dreaded r word and you never see her again.

I don't think Hard limits should ever be pushed. However, if the person who has those limits changes their minds of their own accord and wishes to try something that was once a hard limit then fair play. It's always up to the person what their limits are and how they change.  But yes, communication is definitely key. Any pushing of a hard limit should definitely be seen as a red flag though. 

[VictoriaBlisse]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I agree with the article.

I also agree that too many go with a default position of "I will test your limits" (or wanting someone without limits) is a red flag - even the former is saying they are already planning on, well,  taking limits as a passing suggestion and probably targetting them.

Also to consider, if you're a little like me and play with more than one person - you may find your limits differ with each person.  This could be for multiple reasons, the nature of your relationship, wanting to push yourself further for them, levels of trust etc.  so what that does mean is that just because you've seen someone doing something with someone else - doesn't mean that's OK to do with you.

And with that, yeah limits change in time - but for either person, I think it's better in their own time and pace than to deliberately chip away at them.

 

That is a good addition, about different limits with different partners. That is very true and something I recognise myself. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

I don't think Hard limits should ever be pushed. However, if the person who has those limits changes their minds of their own accord and wishes to try something that was once a hard limit then fair play. It's always up to the person what their limits are and how they change.  But yes, communication is definitely key. Any pushing of a hard limit should definitely be seen as a red flag though. 

Absolutely   Victoria that's what I meant.  It's always been the sub that's wanted to change

[ToakReon]

Everyone has limits. Well ... perhaps not EVERYONE, but everyone you should ever consider playing with.

Just think, 'May I torture you to death and then post a video of your final, dying moments online?'

No? Then you have a LIMIT.

People who say 'I don't have limits' are just saying 'I am not willing to consider and express my limits'

Limits need to be thought about, conciously considered and discussed and expressed and agreed.

[ey****]

a lot of people find those who say they have 'no limits' to be frustrating.  

"OK, grab yourself a cup - you're going to cum in it and drink it" - "Oh, I don't do that"

"Grab some items to put up your bum" - "Sorry, no bum stuff"

"Get a wooden spoon and whack yourself in the genitals" - "I'm not really into pain"

So forth.

Give someone building blocks to play with.  Granted so many are common sense - generally if I'm discussing my limits I'll state some in a kind of area : and a lot depends on the person I'm with.  One of my limits is "rushing into something you don't know how to do", for example.     

[Deleted Member]

i've just made a topic whinging about people only being on about sex on here, hoping to get some interesting feedback on that. but i left for some months because of it.

 

i think this site allows people to put enough information on their profile so that no sex chat is needed at all.