Confused messages

[Ms_Multifaceted]

Hi hi, I'm brand new here and hope to find my way, but rn I am so confused by a message exchange I had here tonight. An inexperienced but keen and very polite submissive guy messaged, we had a really good chat over about two hours, all very positive, he lives fairly locally and wanted to be of service to me, we exchanged one face photo each and that was mutually positive too. I didn't note anything suspicious about his account or messages, but within 5 minutes of me saying 'good night, let's talk more soon' etc. and him saying 'looking forward to talking more tomorrow', his account is deleted! We didn't exchange any contact details and I'm just really confused that it all seemed very natural, positive and real, but now this. 🤷🏼🤔

 

Any ideas?

 

Thanks.

Edited September 17, 2020 by LadyL
Typos

[Deleted Member]

He prob just chickened out- could have nothing to do with you, like at all...

[foxfun2015]

He’s trying not to be to pushy if you are the dominant ask him

[Ms_Multifaceted]

7 minutes ago, Meowmowmeow said:

He prob just chickened out- could have nothing to do with you, like at all...

I did wonder if it might have been that it got too real for him all of a sudden. Just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the conversation and I wondered if I'm missing a trick or glitches with accounts here. 

[Ms_Multifaceted]

10 minutes ago, foxfun2015 said:

He’s trying not to be to pushy if you are the dominant ask him

I can't ask him anything, haha, the entire issue is his account was deleted immediately after our chat and I've no idea why. 🤷🏼

[Pl****]

Could be a scammer that got booted.

[Deleted Member]

Yeah you never know what is happening in someone head or life. If the account is gone I would def not take it personal or let hurt feelings get you too down. Feel awsomer!!!  Always someone new right?

[Ms_Multifaceted]

Just now, Meowmowmeow said:

Yeah you never know what is happening in someone head or life. If the account is gone I would def not take it personal or let hurt feelings get you too down. Feel awsomer!!!  Always someone new right?

Haha, sure... I guess it can't be that easy to find the right fit straight away. But he had a nice face and demeanour, and he was going to do house chores and give me a pedicure. 😢😂😉

[Ar****]

Sadly some people act very confusingly, and the best thing you can do is try not to let it worry your head.

 

On Tuesday I finally met in real life a friend I started talking to on here back in February. We have had each other's phone number for months and been very supportive of one another. It was a platonic thing - she has a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend for a short while - and we never talked about more than sharing hugs/cuddles. We don't live very far apart and we had made plans to do many activities together (as friends) as circumstances better allowed what with covid etc.

 

We had (what I thought was) a nice and simple hour on the park in town. We laughed, we joked, we caught up on a few bits. She encouraged me to start acting again because she could tell how passionate I was about it... wasn't in a hurry to leave or "get away" from me, and stayed a little longer when it got near time for her to go and get picked up. Just before we set back off reiterated that I could always message her any time about anything and she'd always be there for me the same as I am for her. Then when it was time to go our separate ways, we had a brief hug, I asked her to message to let me know she got home safe, she smiled and said she would and we said goodbye. No indication that anything was wrong or had changed. 

 

15 minutes later I get back indoors, connect to the WiFi, and discover I've been blocked. No message, no explanation, nothing. It knocked my self-esteem for six, I don't mind losing an hour for a date that doesn't work out with someone I don't "know", but this wasn't a date and it made me question how awful I must be to throw six months of friendship away and leave me not even having a clue why, or what I must keep doing "wrong" for people to treat me this way. I've ped out of my funk now and moved forward, it was very unpleasant at the time though.

 

I don't share this story for attention; I'm trying to demonstrate (in an awfully long-winded way, sorry! 🙈) that you aren't alone, and that sometimes people are just downright peculiar and misleading.

 

Hang on in there and don't try to analyse. You deserve better.

[Koby]

For some, when fantasy becomes reality, it becomes too real.

 

I would assume he got cold feet and for some people  it is easier to disappear than confront their feelings. Fight Vs Flight

[Deleted Member]

are you sure the photo was live? most likely to be a ***ager having some fun online. Also what you perceived as positive might not be for the other part....

[ey****]

you can usually tell if the user has deleted their account rather them being booted for breaking rules/terms - but yeah, there's a possibility this became 'too real' (or that a partner found out?!) 

Buuuut.... hopefully he'll come back in a couple of days time and resume.

[Deleted Member]

I had the same thing. Had a message exchange with someone (they contacted me) and then next thing the account was deleted.

[ol****]

Surely the guys on here realise that an amount of cat-fishing goes on. I suspect the older you are the more it is likely to happen (no evidence for that, just a feeling). I suppose it's the same for everybody.

I now have some "rules" if somebody contacts me. These include:

Do they have a picture posted

How long have they been here

How active are they on the site, placed like the forum or chat.

I think of it a bit like weeding.

As to the "we met and I got blocked". Well, that's life.  A little dispiriting if you think the conversation has gone well but no different to "I'll call you" and then it never happens.

[Deleted Member]

Having had the privilege of growing up as as the only girl child with three brothers who I adored and sort of raised me, I've gotten to spend the last 31 years in the "dating world" thinking, behaving, and playing the field in ways that are societally assigned to "boys/men" whilst still having all the fun of trying to be a "decent girl/woman" and having ovaries/female hormones, whee! I mean, I was a chunky *** that smelled like a stable and I was attracted to all kinds of pretty girls and boys, ya know? You bet I was on dialup local BBSes in the 90s catfishing babes and getting catfished too. Also many many hookups for pasty nerd sex. Never in my life did I imagine I'd have so much booty on a pocket computer, but here we are!

Even so, with all my teflon emotions (therapy really, but shh) and decades of experience, blah blah blah, I still have stuff like this happen. Sometimes I shrug and move on, sometimes something actually stings or hurts to the point where I need to flop down with my bullet journal and look over my rules of engagement, my goals, what have you. By that I mean, we all are human, not machines, and we can find ourselves suddenly feeling *** and confused because we got a little excited and ran past some checkpoints. Regardless of what's going on with the other person, I usually find an adjustment I need to make, priorities refocused, etc. Sometimes I'm like, "Me, out of it! go have a wank and take the dog for a hike" and that's enough.

 

At any rate, I will say that all the replies I've read in this thread are correct and/or have great points. You just don't know what's going on with them and if it's not being presented to you, then by simple mathematics, it must mean that it's none of your business and not meant to be at this time. Maybe it's the wrong time, the wrong person, so on. I've had someone leave me in the Sahara with my cup still full of sand. (song reference anyone?) I've also literally had someone delete their account after good talks, reactivate, bounce, return, bounce, return. Still in contact, actually, and sort of close, have hung out in person. Whenever they've bounced, I've shrugged and let the universe handle their business. (still human with feelings, but it's not optional) Yes, the person is new to BDSM and has had a lot of personal stuff going on and has expressed to me they bite off more than they can chew and get overwhelmed. They need a stable presence and education more than I need a date, so I've been able to just be there for them as my boundaries allow. I have no expectations of them and the friendship doesn't cramp my style.

So I ain't gonna tell you what to do or give you advice, but I will say that  putting to paper my personal rules of engagement, lessons learned, tips for my future self, etc is really helpful. Why? Because my personal demographic ("older" pan polyamorous dom top cis woman) brings many inquiries and without taking sort of a "clinician's" approach, I could not navigate BDSM dating in the modern world. It's too much. There's 100 people that have no cleu/are fake/need therapy>relationship/are attached and cheating/decide I'm not for them for every genuine connection. Even then, the genuine connections are subject to all the things that affect our lives.

This site has been great for forums, info, and I've got real ass friends I met in the chat room here. Even dating, although it's got more fake (using pics straight up stole from porn people) profiles than I've seen on ALL other dating media combined. IDKWTF is up with that, but eh. So I hope you will stay here a while, hang out in the chat lobby (I'll see ya when the FET app is back in the Google Play store; can't sit at a desk to chat :P) and give us a chance. Great topic and replies! Thanks to anyone who read my whole TedTalk. Now returning to the shadows for another month.

[Ar****]

4 hours ago, oldfellow said:

As to the "we met and I got blocked". Well, that's life.  A little dispiriting if you think the conversation has gone well but no different to "I'll call you" and then it never happens.

Your rules make sense and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but this part - no. Normal people don't act that way, and this community (or most of it) in particular takes pride in communication and ethics. I've made several other platonic friends through this site whom I regularly or semi-regularly share messages and/or phone conversations with; if I met any of them then blocked them immediately without explanation (especially after such conversations as in my example) I should be thoroughly disgusted with myself and they would have every right to be upset at my behaviour.

 

And is that not essentially what the OP is trying to ascertain? Catfishing and scams are one thing; plain shitty or ignorant behaviour there is no excuse for. "Life" is so much more 💜

Edited September 18, 2020 by Aranhis

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Aranhis said:

*snip*

I don't share this story for attention; I'm trying to demonstrate (in an awfully long-winded way, sorry! 🙈) that you aren't alone, and that sometimes people are just downright peculiar and misleading.

*snip*

Long-winded folk unite! I'll just say that sometimes people need to see other people's stories, so you keep on posting. From my infrequent lurking around the forum I've noticed you've been through it a couple times and you're still kicking around. I even recall I felt shit about something that didn't go well with a sub once and I read something you posted about an experience and I found it helpful even though I didn't reply. I'm a "cover myself in mud and hide in a cave lurking forums till I get better" type but community wisdom is the BEST mud. So thanks for that. (unless I've confused you with someone else and in that case thank them but you too)

"Keep Learning and Growing!" -Ava, Up All Night [2011]

[Deleted Member]

lol, just had the same experience.  Thanks to your post and the messages in it, i don't feel bad at all.

[foxfun2015]

It should be noted that I get a similar scenario with girls have you considered he was getting off being told what you would do to him even though he had no intention of following through that’s more common than you think

[ol****]

19 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Your rules make sense and I wholeheartedly agree with them, but this part - no. Normal people don't act that way, and this community (or most of it) in particular takes pride in communication and ethics. I've made several other platonic friends through this site whom I regularly or semi-regularly share messages and/or phone conversations with; if I met any of them then blocked them immediately without explanation (especially after such conversations as in my example) I should be thoroughly disgusted with myself and they would have every right to be upset at my behaviour.

 

And is that not essentially what the OP is trying to ascertain? Catfishing and scams are one thing; plain shitty or ignorant behaviour there is no excuse for. "Life" is so much more 💜

Life is not fair. Folks do some odd things for reasons that we may never ever understand.

This site, by way of example, allows you to block people you have never interacted with. Now there are good reasons why it allows that and you need to see things from the perspective of both parties.

As I said, you meet somebody IRL. you talk, you get on well, you get their number, they won't take your call. It happens, stressing over it will not help.

You don't know their situation, only what they told you.

You don't know what they felt, only what you think they said they felt.

You always face the danger of hearing what you want to hear. It happens in nearly every single conversation you ever have.

Plus the danger of the sort of question that goes "You like me, right?" It's a tough question to answer honestly and politely. Some folks will say "No, not really", very honest and potentially hurtful, some will say "Yeah", possibly dishonest but not immidiately hurtful. Now add in, what does "like" mean to you and what does it mean to the person giving the answer. Conversation is a minefield of potential mis interpretation.

[Deleted Member]

It happens a lot but you should at least be relieved that he didnt do this later into the relationship.

[Ms_Multifaceted]

Hey all, wow... 🖤 You really got onboard with this discussion thank you so much! So just after I posted, a random Dom started sending me weird messages, giving me grief that made no sense accusing me of having loads of accounts and being an escort, I blocked and he continued from another account, I blocked again, since then my account onsite was reported as fake twice in a row and I couldn't access it without verifying... I didn't abandon the thread or account!

People do indeed act in very peculiar ways.

It's so nice to see how many of you put real effort and thought into being supportive! Thank you! 😙

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, LadyL said:

Hey all, wow... 🖤 You really got onboard with this discussion thank you so much! So just after I posted, a random Dom started sending me weird messages, giving me grief that made no sense accusing me of having loads of accounts and being an escort, I blocked and he continued from another account, I blocked again, since then my account onsite was reported as fake twice in a row and I couldn't access it without verifying... I didn't abandon the thread or account!

People do indeed act in very peculiar ways.

It's so nice to see how many of you put real effort and thought into being supportive! Thank you! 😙

Try the ignore option. It will not let him visit your profile. 

And a message filter will help you avoid unwanted messages.

[Ms_Multifaceted]

11 hours ago, foxfun2015 said:

It should be noted that I get a similar scenario with girls have you considered he was getting off being told what you would do to him even though he had no intention of following through that’s more common than you think

Hey, yes I've experienced that in the past, for that reason I barely gave him anything to go on. It really honestly seemed like a super genuine interaction. But I'm not heart broken, he wasn't meant for me at this time. Haha.

[Ms_Multifaceted]

6 hours ago, oldfellow said:

Life is not fair. Folks do some odd things for reasons that we may never ever understand.

This site, by way of example, allows you to block people you have never interacted with. Now there are good reasons why it allows that and you need to see things from the perspective of both parties.

As I said, you meet somebody IRL. you talk, you get on well, you get their number, they won't take your call. It happens, stressing over it will not help.

You don't know their situation, only what they told you.

You don't know what they felt, only what you think they said they felt.

You always face the danger of hearing what you want to hear. It happens in nearly every single conversation you ever have.

Plus the danger of the sort of question that goes "You like me, right?" It's a tough question to answer honestly and politely. Some folks will say "No, not really", very honest and potentially hurtful, some will say "Yeah", possibly dishonest but not immidiately hurtful. Now add in, what does "like" mean to you and what does it mean to the person giving the answer. Conversation is a minefield of potential mis interpretation.

The dynamic was nothing like this. 😂