Finding Very Specific People? Am I Too Picky?

[wi****]

I have a lot of things I NEED people to be okay with, but I also have things I WANT in my relationships. Ideally, all of it would be doable, but I’m wondering if I’m just too picky, and how to deal with it all. Like, I’m disabled and AFAB non-binary, and can’t drive. I also can’t host unless something becomes dedicated/long-term due to my building’s visitor policies. I’m also into petplay as both a kitty and puppy, and am looking for a long-term owner who’s preferably AMAB. Finding someone local who’s good with all that AND clean AND okay with me being ENM isn’t easy, to say the least. What should I do? Am I doomed?

[Li****]

I have a whole different set of needs all of my own and find it just as challenging. I just remind myself… don’t lower your standards. The right one will come along. ~Patience is HARD… but it’s a necessity.
Just keep searching! Hugs 🤗

[la****]

I truly believe that our person is out there. But when we look too hard it doesn’t come to us. You may not fill ALL the buckets in one person- but you may find one that fills many. (And is enm to fill the others)

I don’t know how mobile you are. But finding a munch. Or social environment/event in the kink world (check Fetlife) is a great way to meet people.
Good luck!

[de****]

I was that rare person who could step up for someone with a lot of needs and we had everything in common and it still didn't work out long term. I think making some sacrifices is just life and keeps you from delaying happiness. No one and no thing will be without flaws. But a partner who is safe, clean, respectful, communicative, honest are green flags.

[Jo****]

Without candy coating , you are in a a specific box . This world is hard enough to find someone that actually cares . Of course kink relationships are more honest from the start with things being less hidden , but you have a lot to share . It’s fine to have boundaries, needs , etc . Maybe journel , and reflect on yourself , self love and care . Find the parts of you that are most important and let them shine . ✨ the more specific you become the less likely that person is attainable .
But it is possible to find someone that values that parts that you do show ..

[La****]

If finding someone that is compatible with you in most way is easy, there wont be so much people still single, or using dating apps. It’s just the cost of having standards. The question is, would you be patient until you meet someone that will be worth of everything, or would you surrender to the boredom and loneliness?

[si****]

All of that sounds pretty doable. But for my experience (as an owned slave, 25 years in the lifestyle) a large question for a s type is what do you offer? What service to you provide? What’s in it for the D type?

[su****]

Im very specific too

[pe****]

Yes

[Deleted Member]

Don't take this wrong but maybe some pictures of your smile and living life doing something you enjoy. Also share some of your interest outside of the bedroom and maybe that will help.

[Al****]

The more filters you demand, the smaller the pool to eat from.

[Ro****]

From someone who is solo poly, can't drive and somewhat of a handicap ( hearing impaired) it has taken years to find those I have a good stable connection with. Don't let it hold you back from meeting people. I suggest looking into munches and such to help expand your friendship circle and get yourself familiar with those locally. You don't know what you might find out there until you do. Since you are ENM you can find those who can fill different needs for you that works for the both of you. So be open minded in that aspect but still keep a standard for the quality of people. As in honesty communication and all the good things to build trust.

[Deleted Member]

As AFAB ppl we are constantly told that we need to b accepting of anyone and anything that has interest in us. Your boundaries are your boundaries. They are for YOU! If they have a problem, they can not engage. But some things you could consider if you want to be more flexible. I think something to consider is your visitor policy of your building. Does that mean people can't come over at all??? That doesn't seem ethical if that's the case. Idk a building that can prevent you from having guests for a few hours even during the day. Maybe im missing some context here. Also, my ex is disabled and didn't drive for most of our relationship. They still made effort to come to me by asking friends to drop them off. You could do that or offer to pay for gas or Lyft if that makes you feel safe to do so. I think as long as you're showing you're willing to do your best bc youre interested in them too, I think a reasonable person will be understanding. As far as clean, do you mean of STIs or ***? Honestly for either, I'd make sure your info about them is up to date as both have been demonized severely. Make clear any grah areas or exceptions you might be willing to have. Also of course partners too. For example, there is medication for herpes to lower the transmission ability. That's on top of some having a low transmission rate while not actively breaking out. Is that a exception you'd be okay with or not? What about if you knew most of the population in the u.s. already has hsv-1 oral but are asymptomatic? If it's ***, how long does something stay in someone system that youf be willing, if at all, to engage with them afterwards? But again, you don't have to change JACK SHIT. You are ALLOWED TO BE PICKY.

[Ho****]

With our society being so mononormative and afraid of what others may think of them anything not vanilla especially enm can be difficult to find. Like was said, the more filters you put on your search the less you will find. You will find your people and when you do be sure to cherish them.

[iv****]

You’re actually upfront and honest about your needs and wants. The only people that honesty is scaring off are the ones who aren’t right for you. Or potentially narcissist. Unfortunately, you just kind of gotta sift through and figure it out

[Da****]

whether or not you are too picky is up to you. Im kinda picky as well and it makes it harder to find people but its up to you if you are ok with that

[To****]

I don't think you're doomed but it may take a long time. I think some might feel restricted by the expectations like not being able to hast but if they're able to host instead and you explain why that could ease the tension.

I am curious, why AMAB? That's very specific and as a fellow trans person I'm nervous when agab is brought up this way. For me it's information about my past and the further I transition the more irrelevant it is in my life. For a lot of other trans people talking about AGAB as a permanent fixture in their life might be uncomfortable and misalign with their experience. I think you might have more luck with cis men and more clear wording about what exactly you want from a partner that you believe their AGAB would impact.